Am I Sick?

Dear Diary,

I went to Tan Tock Seng Hospital yesterday. The appointment was at a quarter past 2 but I was early. I registered myself and waited for my number to be called. The doctor who served me was a female doctor and that made me feel rather delightful. 

I have always prefer a female doctor. It is probably because I am a lesbian. The doctor interviewed me and I answered her. She made me go through some test. I went for the blood test, sputum test and another chest x ray. 

It cost me close to two hundred dolars. That was after government subsidy, imagine if it were without subsidy. People say, you are better off dead than sick in Singapore. I suppose they are right. 

The result came out today and there are three possibilities. The doctor asked me to go for a ct scan and she will call me tomorrow for the appointment. 

I am tired Diary. She said the last possibility is lung cancer. The first two could be lung infection and tubercolosis. I do not want to think about it. 

Stay Calm and Collected

Dear Diary,

I have not written for a long time. I want you to know that I have not forgotten about you. I never have and I never will. I have been working and I have been busy with work and family. I spend my time with my parents in Tangkak at least one weekend in a month. I am with a new company for almost three months now. It has been good although I do feel like quitting at times. My heart is still not in Singapore you know. It is somewhere else where I know will make me feel happy internally.

I have gone for a medical check up for the new company. They have found something unusual in the x-ray result. It is in my lung. I have been referred to a lung specialist on 4th June. I was scared when they broke the news to me but I am not anymore. Perhaps I have grown old enough to accept whatever comes to me. I have not been diagnose yet so I will use the time to appreciate life I guess. I have stopped smoking although I have to admit I discreetly smoke a stick occassionally.

The doctors asked if I have any family members diagnosed with cancer. I said yes. I was calm. I did not show any reactions. It is still too early to speculate. I have not lost weight drastically. Yes, I have been coughing for over three months now. And sometimes I have difficulty breathing. At the initial stage, there was wheezing sound when I breathe. The wheezing sound is gone now. The cough is still around but it is not that chronic. I have been down with fever many times since the cough started. It comes and goes. I have been drinking plenty of water since this new job. It is a desk bound job so it is easy for me.

I am good Diary. I feel good. I do not feel like I am sick or something although I feel that my body is weak at times. But I am only feeling that because I am feverish. So it is the fever that makes me weak, is it not? Oh...never mind Diary. I am strong I know. I am just remembering my late brother in moments like this. *sighs* Nine years have past Diary. We still do not talk about it. I avoid talking about him with my parents as I know I will break down. It is fine I know but not infront of my parents. I have to be strong for them.

I am keeping this news to myself. None of my family knows about this. Like I said, it is too early to be thinking anything. Even if I have been diagnose, be it good or bad, I have decided to keep it to myself. I am not sure what they are going to do with me at the hospital. The only thing to determine what is in my lung is through the MRI scan. I supposed that is what they will do. I hope they will do that and diagnosed me finally. The waiting and guessing are killing me softly.....