FaikaNur - Dear Diary: April 2019

Thursday, April 4, 2019

Ayah

Ayah.... Rindunya ati ngan ayah.... Tuhan aje yang tahu. Tak sangka ayah pergi cepat sangat. Tak sempat nak bebual lama lama ngan ayah. Ayah coma sampai meninggal. Ati tak dapat nak cerita ngan ayah. Ayah ati mintak maaf ayah.

Dear God,
I believe in You.
I believe in the identity I am blessed with.
I believe You know how I have fought hard.
All my life every step of the way
there wasn't a single day in my life
I am unconscious of this inner battle.
I have been my own warrior, fighting , choosing to fight
only to discover, I am my own enemy.
I fought against myself
and tried not to be her
but above all, I believe.
I acknowledge this choice to be mine
perhaps, my preference would be witnessed
as a weakness or a disease
but I have come to the conclusion,
I can no longer make this life livable
unless I come to terms with her.
You know how hard I have fought.
I know a few words to express them.
My vocabulary is as limited as my knowledge of
Your identity. But I know You hear me when I pray.
I know You grew with me every step
every inch of the way.
I have hoped, I will not regret
this decision I have made.
I tried and persevered - I lost.
Indeed defeat I must accept,
readily do so but will not come to a stage
where I must fight only to find
in the end to emerge as a winner,
is to end Your precious gift; life itself.
Everybody said people like me live in a closet
to a certain degree it's true, but not alone.
I have You, I know that, I believe that.
I never thought, I am alone in this fight.
There was You, one who understands
the closet I am living in is not small.
Your forgiveness is imperative
for all the indulgences I partake in my future.
Should You fail to find in Your faith to forgive me,
then I fully understand.
Perhaps I have failed you,
indeed somehow you stopped
loving me the way I believed you.
I hold myself to blame, I am the guilty one.
If you cannot love me still, I won't hate you.
I realised my decision has made me unworthy
of a love as almighty as yours.
Perhaps I am weak,
I would rather admit defeat than die
for dying would be an insult to You.
I now admit to You,
myself and all the love on earth
I am gay...

FaikaNur - Dear Diary

I Am Sensitive

The Other Side of Me

Thursday, April 4, 2019

Ayah

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