money is indeed what everything's about

dear diary, it was the last episode of survivor last night and everybody knows who is the winner now. it is Tom, the fire fighter and i think he deserves it. he is a very athletic guy winning most of the immunity challenges till the very last episode. he is forty years old but can be a great challenge to the young people physically. have you noticed something about the current trend now diary?

reality television programmes are in and in countries like the America where entertainment is everything, ordinary folks like you and i are able to be fifty thousand richer or millionaires just by doing some stunts, enduring living in an island away from civilisation and to be the first to reach at the final destination after travelling almost around the world. it looks like people no longer need to depend on lottery to get rich quick since there are many other alternatives available. and what's even more attractive, apart from standing a chance to win big money, if you happen to have some commercial qualities which can be valuable to the producers, you might win yourself some fame as well.

i would love to know what it feels like to have a cheque of one million dollars with your name on it. it sure feels good and i am sure will make all problems go away. let's face it, many of the primary problems people face concerns money, outstanding bills, mortgage loans, personal loans, study loans, renovation loans and even domestic problems are caused by money. i have often heard that money cannot buy everything but in actual fact you do need money to buy everything in this modern digital world. the world has changed and people don't exchange goods anymore instead they buy and to buy goods, people need money.

experiences have taught me that it is crucial to be cash rich, my insurance advisor has told me once that many singaporeans are CPF rich instead of cash rich. he is probably right because personally i have come across many people who are without savings. they depend wholly on their salary and are always broke by end of the month before their next pay day. it is somewhat sad but we just can't help it. i have been there and done that before. it feels very miserable to have to be dependent so much on your salary without having any savings. what's even worse, there are too many outstanding bills to be settled and you are almost into something which is over your head. if you are not careful, you might drown and it's very dangerous.

i am glad i have graduated from those days and believe me, it sure feels good now to be debt free with reasonable amount of extra cash in hand. if i had won a million dollars, i would set aside a hundred thousand dollars for charity. i would donate it to the orphanage and the mosques on behalf of the whole family excluding my youngest brother. i would give dad, mum and my eldest brother each a hundred thousand dollars with the conditions that they are not allowed to use the money to finance my youngest brother's undertakings if he were face with any financial difficulties. i will pay the remaining mortgage loan and the car loan for my family.

i will build the dream house mum always wanted on her plot of land back at her hometown. it will be the most perfect and beautiful house. those are the few things i want to do if i won myself a million dollars. *chuckles* yeah, but those are just fantasies which is possible but difficult to bring to life. perhaps i will be only half or maybe a quarter to a millionaire in twenty years time when i get my insurance pay out. *chuckles* oh how pitiful i am to have to wait for twenty years before i am able to be at least a quarter of a millionaire. *giggles*

talking about insurance, i need to get another policy from NTUC. this is more of a necessity because i might have to take up study loan and i am planning to use the three years once payout to service the loan. i have it all planned and i hope i am successful in getting the loan so mum needs not have to be burden with financing my studies. with my savings and the loan i think it suffices for me to get by. i just have to live moderately and not too expect too much luxury. we are reaching the end of May and i am all excited about the whole thing. please make it go smoothly for me and i will be the most happiest woman on earth.

little sister's gift has arrived but there was no one at home to receive it. i have to collect the gift from the nearest post office from tomorrow onwards. the parcel will be redirected from the main post office to the one nearest my home. i cannot wait to collect it. i want to look at my little sister!! she will surely be excited if she knows i have got her parcel. she called me on sunday and asked if i had received the parcel. she sounds cheerful and noisy as usual. i wonder how would it be like if we have met. she's shorter than me and that is why i assume she's cute.

short people are usually cute just like chicken pie. little sister told me about her cousin who just passed away. she was only 17 and she died of liver cancer. i feel sorry for her and i know how does it feel like. i tried to divert her attention from her cousin but i guess she was focussing on that topic. she told me how she felt about the whole thing and when is it going to be her turn. she asked how come it's so easy for her cousin to leave and why is she still here. somehow i believe little sister is frustrated over her condition. many times she told me how she gets so irritated over people who befriended her over sympathy. she gets annoyed when people change towards her just because she has leukemia.

everybody seems so nice and kind and she hates it. i didn't say much when she complaint to me, i just listened to her because i know she doesn't need me to say anything. she just wants me to listen and i will do just that. as much as i want to explain to her about it all still, i have to put her needs at the top priority. she doesn't need anymore explanations, she just needs a friend who would treat her like any other girls regardless whether she is sick or not. i will be that friend of hers, we will not talk about her illness and there will be no special treatment. i am going to treat her the same like how i treat my other friends, if i happen to treat her extra special, that is only because she is my little sister.

little sisters get special treatments from big sister most of the times so she has nothing to complain about if i treat her special. you know diary, everytime she mentions about death, i can feel that tears started to form in my eyes. i just feel sad when i hear her talking about it. i don't want her to go, she has so much to do and so many dreams. she told me that she has the intention to embrace Islam and how was i so glad when i heard that. she's not sure about it yet but she's been contemplating about it. the only thing that's stopping her is how she is. i truly understand her when she said that but i hope it is not too late for her. i hope she has the opportunity to do just that.

she wants to come clean if she is converting and she wants to lead a straight life. she does not want to remain the same even after converting. i guess she is in a dilemma and i comprehend her situations. i probably would say that i am in her situations too, the only difference is that i am a born muslim and she is not. turning over a new leaf does not mean you are getting married are you? i don't really know what i want right now. my focus is on my studies more than anything else. love has not crossed my mind yet although i do feel something for a few people that i have known. i have no more excitement about it to pursue anymore. it is like i have lost all the juice and steam. being around girls make me happy but i am not sure if i want to commit myself with relationships. i'll probably remain single with many intimate girlfriends at my beck and call.*chuckles* life can be fun if you just know how to enjoy it while you can...

don't take my kindness for granted

dear diary i have been looking forward to the amazing race on wednesday only to be dissapointed when my favourite team lost. there were 3 teams left and they were, the notorious rob and amber, the decent uchenna and joyce and the unmatch couple ron and kelly. i began to like rob and amber right from the beginning of the show probably because i am quite familiar with them from survivor. rob is playful and fun while amber is the typical girlfriend who would just sit back and enjoy looking at her fiance's mischiefs. they are known to be the most infamous team on the show and are very good at scheming their way to win the game.

they are the most competitive team on the show and are very consistent in their performance coming in first most of the times. mum hates them because they were sleek in that show and were very manipulative and cocky at times. i like them because i just thought they were adorable and fun. as far as i can recall, i couldn't recall one episode where they had quarelled and shouted at each other. i cannot remember if they had ever been in disagreements over a decision made, thay have always been loving towards each other and i think they are really a compatible couple. they were so cool and relax with each other but still manage to stay in the game being in the top 3 position most of the times. i like how they treat each other and would love to have that kind of bonding with my girlfriend if i will ever have one.

it is probably possible to be like that with taj mahal because she is soft and i am hard. she behaves like amber and will just sit down and watch me behaves occasionally smiling at my mischiefs. she doesn't controll me or tells me how to behaves. i think she is the kind who lets the more dominant one in her relationship have the upper hand. if she sees the need to correct my attitude then she will, otherwise she would gives me the freedom to behave how i like but of course without getting overboard.

i don't know if i can have that kind of relationship with chicken pie. she called me last night to say that she will be coming to singapore next weekend and hope to meet me. she is going for a cruise and the boat is leaving from singapore at noon on sunday. she will be leaving kl on saturday after her class about 3 in the afternoon. i don't think i can meet her on saturday as i will definitely be in JB. so i told her that the only time i can meet her is on sunday morning. she is not really excited upon hearing that cos she has the intention to go clubbing on saturday night here and have another taste of singapore nightlife.

this is the thing with chicken pie that i don't fancy. although i enjoy being with her but she enjoys clubbing which is not my cup of tea. she likes to party and she usually will have dinners, lunch or tea with all her friends whom i think are those kind of people. do you get what i mean diary? i can tell that i will not get comfortable with her friends and if we were a couple, her friends would consider i am unfriendly, proud or vain. well what the heck, who cares anyway when you are an introvert by nature?

talking about relationships, it makes me miss aramis so much. how is she doing right now? is she thinking about me? is she in good health? i miss her diary...i miss her so much, everytime i see a black RAV 4 i would think of her and imagining that she's driving it and smiling at me. everytime i come across anything related to penang, it would remind me of her and every eurasian woman seems to look like her. i really don't know how would i feel if i come face to face with her. i wish she knows how i am missing her so badly that it makes me feel so empty inside. if only i had been a little patient.

driver text message me last night and asked if i could wait till next month for him to return my money back. it seems that he is faced with another domestic problem and it is quite serious. he has been ordered to move out of the house by his family and the police came to his house last night to enforce the order. i kind of expected that he could not repay my money back but i never expected this to happen. i feel sad for him but at the same time i feel so annoyed by him. it's not because of his inability to settle his debts but it is more because of his attitude towards life and his approach to bring solutions to all his problems.

he can be so stupid sometimes till the extent that people lost respect towards him. time and again i have repeatedly told him to move out of the house since his family is treating him like a beggar. he took his time and always procrastinate. i do try to put myself in his shoes sometimes and i can only imagine how i would fight back and talk back if my family were to treat me like that. i would plan myself a strategy to get out of the house and will not wait till i am chased out. driver can be so inefficient most of the times and always wait for things to happen rather than make things happen for himself.

his mind is narrow and shallow that i get so pissed with him always. he only thinks that the only way to get out of the house is to get married but he found himself a useless good for nothing girlfriend who has become his fiance. imagine this diary, when you are going to get married, you are about to share everything that you own and owe, good or bad, sadness or happiness and trouble or ease. i was the one whom he had to turn to for money to go to work when he just got this job and i was the one who he asked for help when he was chased out of the house. i never asked him about his fiance because i knew how would i have reacted if he told me about her. i just did not want to add another misery to his already so troubled life.

in times of needs like this, who do you expect a person to call if he is already engaged? naturally it would be the fiance but not in his case and do you want to know why? his fiance only cares about his wealth and does not wish to get involve with his problems. she only will be with him when his pocket is loaded with money and will distant herself from him when he is in need of help often giving excuses just to escape from giving him aid be it financially or morally. i hate that bitch diary and if only i could have a chat with her over coffee and tell her what i think of her, wouldn't it be nice?

this is what i don't understand about driver, he is so desperate that he would marry any girl just to get away from his family even if the girl treats him no better than how his own family treats him. i have tried all i can to give him suggestions and alternatives for solutions but he still stick with his old fashion and impractical and unrealistic plan. driver got the message that i despise his fiance very much and never talk about her to me anymore unless i ask. you know diary, sometimes i wonder if i had gone overboard with him. i am so harsh with him and i always have straightforward talk with him. i think i have hurt his ego so many times that he has grown immune to it. i just feel i had to do it to make him wake up and realised there are so many options he can opt for and not to be too dependent on something which is uncertain and a waste of time.

i knew he would call me to seek help soon after he text me his predicaments and i knew somehow i had to help him. as much as i want him to be independent, still i knew it is not the right time to expect that since he's not even mentally stable right then. as expected he called and i called hippo immediately. it is just his luck that hippo has been divorced and her house is vacant now as she is putting up at her parent's. i negotiated with hippo to rent her house to driver at a reasonable price and gave driver her number for him to arrange where to meet to finalise the deal. hippo asked if she can trust driver and if it is possible to expect prompt payment for rent from him. i couldn't tell hippo about the duration he is taking to clear my debts because i knew he desperately needs a place to stay by that night itself.

i told hippo to meet driver and see for herself and then make her decision. i thought it is only fair for me to say that. i text message driver back and told him that i expect him to pay my money back next month and i also expect him to be prompt in paying the rent and not to dissapoint me and humiliate me with hippo. hippo has been a long time friend of mine and i do not wish to see our friendship suffers because of him. he didn't reply me back but i figured he knew i meant what i said. i am not trying to be mean or adding more pressure to him but i just guess i had to do what i had to do.

i can't be too lenient and soft on him because he has played me out before and i know he is capable to do it again. desperate measures call for desperate times and it could be that he is agreeing and saying yes to anything and everything now because he is desperate for a place to live and desperate for money when he borrowed from me. it is only natural for desperate people in need of help to agree with all the terms and conditions placed upon him in order to get what he needs. i hope he appreciates my help and will not dissapoint me because if he does, i will probably go to his workplace and humiliate him. *grins* never take my kindness for granted and never underestimate my wicked side, that's what i told him and i meant every word i said.

as much as we want to be kind and nice, we cannot allow ourselves to be taken for granted. there are always boundaries and some lines which people cannot cross. if they were to cross them, it is at their own risk because that's what life is all about. we take risk everyday unknowingly and if we have made some costly mistake, we better be ready to face the music. this time is probably the last time that i would lend anyone money again. i am tired of it diary and i don't like to feel miserable for not getting my money back or having to face the misery of late repayments.

waiting is painful and i don't want to feel the pain anymore. i am just a human as ordinary as i can be lending help to those who needs it but i just figured that giving help in terms of money can be very risky and i have decided to stop it. i have turn to volunteering work as an alternative and it gives more pleasures and satisfactions. it opens up my soul, my heart and my mind. i began to see things with my heart together with my eyes now instead of just my eyes. if anybody thinks that i am mean or bad, stingy or miserly then all i can say is i am no angel or a prophet.

i hope driver will have his life straightened out someday somehow and i hope he will successfully figure out if it is really worth to marry someone like his fiance. it is sad to know that his family can afford to do such heartless act against him but it also helps me to realised what a good and blessed family i have. we may not be the richest family on earth but the warmth in our family surely gives me more than enough feelings to be fortunate and blissful. it makes me contented and grateful and most of all it makes me love them even more than i ever could. i thank god, my parents and my brothers for making my family a happy family in its own special way.

my amateur review of sepet

dear diary, it has been two weeks since i last visited my late brother. my schedule is so tight now that i hardly have time to myself. i am always busy attending my driving lessons on saturday morning, attending my quran class on saturday afternoon and probably go to JB after that with my family and be home as late as 1-2 in the morning. it is becoming my fixed routine and i feel exhausted sometimes. sunday is the only day that i can have to myself but that is only before June because i will be having my driving lessons on sundays in june and july as the test date is drawing nearer then.

i am not sure if i will have enough rest and sleep but i do not mind because i know this year is going to be tough for me. apart from stripping my shopping budget for the whole year, i know it is the year where my mental and physical energy is required most. i am getting used to it and believe me it can be quite fun actually. i feel so energetic and like i am walking on a treadmill. you just have to keep on walking to stay on the treadmill and be consistent with the speed. there is no idle time and i feel that not much of my time has been wasted. it is quite amazing.

i bought some videos in JB last saturday. one of them is `Sepet' and i can say that it is a good film with good dialogues even with simple story line. i have read about the reviews before and taj mahal have given me some of her opinions on it and i know i have to watch it. i like it very much because it touches on the reality and it brings the audience to internalise with the story, it captures the audience's attention to think with the writer. take for example, orkid's best friend is so crazy over american actors and anything hollywood is so great to her. this is true in reality, have we noticed how our society easily accepted foreign talents and think highly of them but do not think like that towards our own local actors. it is like everything and anything that comes from the west is so perfect and vice versa.

we try to copy their ways and styles and ended up being so unoriginal. i have come across people who speak english like the african americans in chatrooms and i had so much difficulty understanding what the hell they were trying to say. it's about the spelling because they literally spell the words according to the african american slang and i just don't get it. i was just thinking to myself, why do we have to speak english like how they do when we have little or zero verbal influence from them. is speaking good and easy to understand english not enough that we also have to keep up with the accent and slang as well? perhaps some people have the perception that since most of us dress like them, we also have to sound like them when we speak in their language without passing that subject in schools ironically. another thing that caught my attention was when they were talking about the race they think that is most laziest. it makes me think why are the malays is always associated with lazy. personally i do not agree if there is any race on earth that is created to be lazy. it is a very subjective issue and in my opinion, lazy is one characteristic in an individual which if not controlled can be very disruptive to one's success rates.

lazy is one of human's characteristic that can be found in every individual regardless of race, background and religion and i guess it is up to the family conditioning and that person himself to stop that characteristic in him from growing and becomes a part of his flesh and blood. in that film, Jason asked orkid what happened to the malay film industry, it is no longer producing flms like the ones during P.Ramlee's days. i just thought to myself don't we have good malay films nowadays? we do have capable malay film directors and producers that have made good and impressive malay films don't we? to name a few, people like Shuhaimi baba, Aziz M. Osman, Uwei Shari, Erma Fatima, Datuk Yusof Haslam and many more. these are the people who have kept the industry going with their own specialties.

we have to have diversities and it is natural that one man's meat maybe another man's poison. we cannot expect that every films made will be a success so i just hope that people will stop saying repeatedly that the malay films nowadays are of no quality because it's absolutely wrong to say that. we have come a long way and credits should be given to film makers for trying instead of endlessly and mercilessly criticising them. what is even appalling is to support pirated copies of these films. it is sad and unfair to them and to those who support pirated products, you ought to be ashamed of yourself. ultimately, i am impressed with the film although it has a sad and mysterious ending. i never like stories which have a hanging ending. orkid never knew that jason met with an accident and i couldn't tell if he had died from the accident because orkid's phone call to jason was answered and i strongly believe that the writer wants the audience to conclude their ending according to their own imaginations and preferences. it was overall a good film, one that interacts with the audience's minds. watching the film made me wonder if mum and dad were like that when they just met.

little sister just text message me and apologised for being quiet again. i don't really mind actually because i never expect her to send me news of her daily what's more when we are communicating by mobile phones. it's costly come to think of it. she has been hospitalised and i don't really know what is her condition now. i hope she is fine and well and the hospital stay is only for routine check up and nothing serious. she's so sweet asking for my address to send me birthday gifts. she said she will send me her photos and i am really looking forward to see the pictures than the present. i truly appreciate little sister's friendship diary, i feel happy and glad that i have known her but at the same time, i am also afraid of losing her.

i don't mind if we have lost in touch but i am afraid if she would be gone like my brother. there's nothing left for me if she's gone. life would be quiet and i know i will feel a little incomplete because i know all these while even if she is missing, she will come back to me and i will have her all to myself again as my little sister to share my life stories and to update her on the happenings in my life. however, if she is really gone and never coming back, my life stories that i have reserved for her will be permanently stored in myself and it is sad not to be able to share with her. she has always been that one person after my brother's death that makes me feel strong because she listens to me.

she makes me feel brave and confident because i have to act like a big sister towards her and ultimately, it makes me bolder. i don't feel timid anymore and i do feel important to her. i have had my brothers to look after me and to protect me from harm and when one of them is gone, i feel so handicapped and afraid sometimes. little sister helps me to overcome that fear and i am thankful for that. i love her diary and i hope i am given the opportunity to grow old with her together.

i have to remind dad to pay my late brother a visit this sunday. it's been awhile now and it's about time to visit him. i keep thinking about him everyday and how things were when he was still alive. they made me gloom and angry. i was always thinking about the things i could do for him which i didn't when he was sick. there was a time when he asked if i could accompany him to the 7-11 nearby. it was late at night and i knew he asked me because he knew he couldn't make it there alone.

he was getting weaker diary and i could have followed him but i didn't. how i regret so much for not accompanying him. i feel so much hate for myself. i wish he knew how sorry i am diary. if only i could know how he was feeling when he was leaving us, if only i could know if he has forgiven me for all the shouts and snide remarks i passed at him. if only i could hear his voice one last time and if only he could have given me a sign that lets me know he will be fine. i talk to him in my thoughts. it's like a silent conversation i will create between him and i. i enjoy it and i smile to myself thinking of all the good times we had. one week after his death, i collected some of his personal belongings and put them in a box.

i photocopied the newspaper orbituary section where his picture and our warmest wishes displayed. i kepth them in the box. it has a few pictures of him too. they were taken in KL when he was there to meet his girlfriend. it was a coincidence that his girlfriend passed away a few years before his death. she had asthma and i remember how he cried when he received the news. i felt sad for him and knew how much he loved her because he never cried for a woman like that before. i knew he had plan to marry her and i knew he would be in KL by now if both of them had been married. my brother was the most happiest person when he was with her. he was madly in love with her and i can see she was serious with him too. she died and he moved on untill he passed on and they probably will meet in heaven.

i am not sure but i knew she was that one girl my brother loved so much until his death. i don't know what's going on in the other world, the only way for me to find out is to end myself or wait for my turn to get there. that is one place i know i will get to no matter how long or how difficult it takes. i am not ready diary, but i know i still have to leave when my time is up. it's sad to leave the loved ones behind and it's even more scared to leave without preparations. i'm doing my best now diary and i hope i am successful. i heard it's not going to be easy for people like me to be there. it's hell and nothing is good about hell. like i said earlier in my thoughts to you, we do things at our own risk and if it's time to face the music, just shut up and face it. there's no escape this time and no superhero to save you. you are all on your own and it's all between you and Him and only then you will know how mighty He is and that you are nothing at all compared to Him.

tuesday night is not tuesday night anymore

dear diary, i have nothing to look forward to on tuesday night anymore. TCS5 has stopped showing The Practice and The Alias has taken over it. i don't quite like the Alias because i do not watch it from the beginning furthermore, it does not interest me that much. i am not in love with any of the characters so i find it boring even though the genre is action. monday night seems usual with nothing much changing, i am not an avid fan of The Casino but i think i might be one soon. last week one character from that drama caught my attention. i have watched The Casiono every monday but i have never really get attracted with any of the characters however, last monday changed everything. she's black and british and she speaks with an accent. she's so gorgeous and sexy when she tried to do her job to break up an argument on the casino floor between an american gentleman and some bristish rowdy chelsea soccer fans.

it was really sexy and captivating to watch a woman handles tough situations like that. she was in her executive suit, high heels and hair done nicely, her long legs and her dark skin look all so perfect to me. not only she speaks with an accent but she speaks with wit and humour but at the same time firm. i fell in love with her character immediately and i guess credit should be given to the real her for bringing the character to life. i want a woman like that diary...a woman like that makes me nervous and drools. goshhh, she is so sexy!!

someone from the housing development board came yesterday to take pictures of our house to value it. dad and mum are selling it to us and the proper procedure is to get the valuation of the house first. we have gone to HDB and make enquiries about it. my brother and i are not elligible to take up loans from HDB as both of us are still single and below 35 years old. the banks are our only options and i am just concern of the repayment period and amount.

from what i understand HDB loans are provided up to only 80 percent of the selling price and i am wondering if it is the same with banks. if only 80 percent of loan is provided, that means we have to come up with 20 percent of the total sale price first either by cash or CPF. dad bought the house for 320,000 dollars and i hope he sells to us at below valuation price. i am doing some mental calculation here, if he sells to us at 260,000 dollars, 20 percent of that price is 52000 dollars. i think my CPF and my brother's CPF have enough to pay the 20 percent upfront. now, banks give repayment period up to 30 years and 260,000 minus the 20 percent upfront payment will give 208,000 dollars. ok diary, i am calculating the maths without interest so the figures here might not tally with the actual one.

208,000 divided by 30 years gives us, 6933 dollars and 6933 dollars divided by 12 months in a year is 577 dollars per month. from my estimation, if we add that amount with interest, it would be about 600 dollars per month. so that means, from my rough calculation and estimation, we are paying 600 dollars for mortgage loan monthly for 30 years. split that into two and each of us will be paying 300 dollars per month. if we split that into 3, it will be 200 dollars per month. that's not so bad if i work but when i am not working anymore, it can be quite of a headache. even if we have to top up cash, at least it would still be better off than the current situation because i know dad pays about 1000 cash for the house right now for mortgage. nevertheless, we would be in a better position after the sale transactions have been complete.

i hope things will be better for us and all of us will manage somehow. i know that every problem has its solutions and it is either that we are a part of the problem or we are a part of the solution. we have tried to make it right and come to a sound and most practical solution, so i hope the bright sides are on our side and that none of us have to make big sacrifices to solve this issue. i have thought of ways to overcome this concern and i have made many enquiries and research to come to a conclusion and i have lay out my plans and suggestions to my family members. i have pushed for my brother to get the process done fast and not to dilly dally with it. i have never stopped praying and i have never stopped believing that He hears my prayers and i hope he will not dissapoint me.

i know i can depend on my family and each one of us have our own specialty to overcome our flaws. we may have had our disagreements but i know when we are faced with problems that concern the whole family, we will survive and make it through no matter how difficult it is, no matter how long it takes, we will pull through just like how we did after having lost one member of our family. i am so sure that if my late brother would have been alive, he would try his level best to contribute his efforts, money and energy to help solve the problem. he's gone now but his spirits still live on with us and we are carrying them in the background. he may be physically departed but i know his courage and determination are in our souls.

diary, my younger cousin is getting engage next weekend and i know this will create talks among my aunties about my status. i know they have been talking and wondering but i have been quiet without saying a word. i pity mum and dad sometimes but i know that i don't have to get married to make them happy. i can expand the family without getting married can i? i can give them grandchildren without getting pregnant can i? it's all about waiting and i hope they are able to wait. it is either my brother or myself now and it looks like none of us are going to get married. my brother is so busy with his work and studies while i am just busy with my own thoughts. i have plans of my own and it will make my parents happy, it's just a matter of time. i will make them the happiest parents ever with love, affections and attentions that money can never buy, this i promise them.

when you think you cannot be silly....

Last night was funny as I was not able to log in to the computerised theory trial test at my driving school. It was anti-climax as I was all ready to practise the questions before my test date is due. Students are able to book dates for theory trial test through the internet at home, however I guessed I did not complete the booking at home and since the booking was incomplete my name was not registered through their system for the theory trial test last night. I consulted the instructor and he told me to register in the school via the computer kiosk. It was my first time using the kiosk and I made a blunder by inserting my IC into the receipt slot. I was supposed to scan the barcode on my IC to the scanner but I didn?t know where and how to do it, so thinking the receipt slot was for me to insert my IC, I inserted my IC there and voilla, it got stucked and couldn?t come out. After encountering many mishaps and blunders, I do not get panick easily anymore. So I ask for assistance from the customer service officer and she referred me to the technical staff outside. I couldn?t find any so I went back to the kiosk again, and this time, determined to get my IC out of the slot, I made use of my two thumbs and forced the IC out of the slot. silly me!! It came out and I re-registered again for the other dates and this time, I did it correctly. I was lucky because most of the students were in their driving class already at that time, so there was no queue; otherwise I am sure I was going to be stared at with hatred for holding up the queue and causing one system down. I just couldn?t imagine that.

I bought a very useful and convenient carrier bag for for Hang Tuah. It cost me 79 bucks and I might have to go without lunch everyday day till next month. I have been looking for something like that for a long time but the one I found was expensive and also not foldable. The one I bought is foldable and it?s bright red in colour. I can carry it like a backpack at the front or at the back, and also I can carry it like a briefcase. It has windows on both sides so that hang Tuah will be able to see outside and it has a small opening at the front for him to stick out his head to have a clearer view outside. I tried to put him inside the bag and he seemed to be quiet. I hope he will remain quiet in the bag when we brought him out cos with the old carrier, he couldn?t shut up. I will try to bring him to the nearby shop and see how he behaves in the new carrier bag.

I got a sms from Russia last night on my way to driving school. It was a surprise because I didn?t expect it to be from her. The idea seems so distant. She wished me a belated happy new year and asked how is my family doing and what have I been up to lately. I replied her and she told me she misses me. The thing with Russia is that, she has the qualities that I look for in a gf but it?s what she is that bothers me a little. She is neither a lessie nor a butch but most of the times she dresses more like a butch only that she is not extreme. And you know how I cannot bring myself to pair up with a butch or butch look-alike. It?s madness to do so cos I will only invite unwanted attentions from the public and it?s hell if I were to bump into my relatives while walking side by side with a butch. I do not wish to invite unnecessary problems to my already existing ones. Russia is someone I would talk to about heavy issues and someone I would converse with intellectually. I have always enjoyed any conversations I have with her. I can speak to her about anything although at times there are disagreements. Probably because of her background and her age. I really don?t know what?s going to happen to us but I am sure we will remain as friends because I have not imagined myself pairing up with her as a couple although I do miss her sometimes.

I sent aramis a test message asking how was she doing when the tsunami hit asia. She is in penang and I just had to find out her condition. She was safe from the disaster and I was so thankful about that because I knew she likes to go to Batu Ferringi. It was a very straightforward talk, there was not a single bit of the old habits anymore. I guessed, both of us knew it is so over between us. I am scared to get involved with her anymore and she is probably ashame of herself and somehow got the impression that I hate her. Frankly, I still have a soft spot for her but at the same time I am keeping my distance from her. It hurts to love somebody like this.

weird dream, the toe nail, hang tuah and my definition of sexy

dear diary, i had the weirdest dream ever last night. it was scary but quite comical. the characters in the dream were hippo, myself, a loanshark and his gangsters, mum, dad and a child who happened to be mine. hippo borrowed some money from a loanshark and i was her guarantor. she couldn't pay the loanshark and now the loanshark had sent some gangsters to intimidate us. hippo persuaded me to run away from singapore to avoid the loanshark. she wanted us to escape to thailand and never to come back to singapore. i refused because it would create a lot of problems and i don't want to be an illegal immigrant in a country and i don't want to live in fear.

i adamantly refused while she continued to convince me to run away. after awhile, i got news that my mum was killed by the gangsters and a child, a baby in fact was also killed and that child happened to be mine. the gangster burnt the child to death like how we barbecued chickens. they tied the child to skewers and placed her near to the fire and let her burn. in that dream, i remember vividly how the child died. it was so brutal and wicked, most of all it was sad that they could do such a thing to a child. hippo continued to persuade me to escape to thailand. after hearing the news of the deaths, i finally agreed with her that it was necessary for us to escape to thailand because it was getting serious and violent. the dream was so real and it seemed like it was happening in reality.

hippo and i hurriedly packed our bags and i saw my dad looking at us. i heard some knocking on the door and it was dad waking me up. i woke up and was drenched in sweat. this hardly happened but when i woke up and realised that everything was a dream, i let go a sigh of relief and how thankful i was to know it was just a dream. it's crazy, scary and i think the most frightening dream i have ever had. i remember i was so scared in that dream especially the time when i received news of the death. it's just something that i never thought i would dream of. after waking up, i realised that almost all my pillows dropped to the floor. i must have had a very rough night...

diary, i am looking at my toe right now and i am smiling to myself. it is without half a nail and it looks ugly and unusual. the doctor said it will grow again but it will take a long time for it to grow. so can i consider myself abnormal now? everybody has full grown big toe nail but i only have half grown toe nail. the other half is missing and my flesh is exposed and it is very pink. i touched the flesh and i am fascinated with it. there's nothing extraordinary with it but it's just something which i don't get to see often. i mean, the flesh is supposed to be covered by the toe nail but since half the nail is gone, i am actually able to touch this part of my flesh which is usually impossible for me to do. do you get what i mean?

i am actually able to feel it! *grins* it's so soft like baby's skin. *chuckles* excuse me diary but i am just so excited being able to see, touch and feel something which i don't get to see, feel and touch everyday. it is like, a big fat man who has to depend on the mirror to see his own little brother because his belly has grown too big and has block his view. he lost weight and his big belly is gone and now, after so many years he is able to see his own little brother without depending on the mirror. that is the other senario.

diary, do you remember sveaty, the bear russia gave me for a birthday gift last year? hang tuah has made him his sparring partner. he was afraid of sveaty in the first place. after awhile, they got better acquainted and have become boxing buddies. i would use sveaty to punch hang tuah and hang tuah would retaliate by biting and scratching him. i think hang tuah knows that sveaty is lifeless and only moves when i made him moves so he is not afraid of sveaty anymore. he uses all his fighting skills to attack sveaty whenever he likes and i can tell if sveaty is really alive, hang tuah would have been scratched to death looking at the way hang tuah handles him. hang tuah is a coward because he only is brave with the vulnerable.

there are 2 stray cats outside the house and one of them is known to be a bit fierce. he is very small compered to hang tuah but his fighting spirit is so big that it scares hang tuah away. everytime we open the gate hang tuah always runs out of the house to the corridor and the cat will come near him sniffing. hang tuah would do the same too. now, ragdolls cats are known to be very adorable cats, they do not know how to fight and they are not violent. they are friendly cats and they love humans and other cat's companions. after sniffing each other, the cat slapped hang tuah's face and hang tuah would just sit still with his head looking down as if he couldn't understand why was he slapped when all he ever wanted was to be a friend. it has happened many times until we became worried for him and disallow him to hang around at the corridor anymore. he just doesn't know how to fight back and to defend himself.

a natural reaction is for a cat to slap back the cat which has slapped him but i think that natural stereotype reaction does not apply to ragdolls. so this enforces my opinion that ragdolls are only playful and naughty with someone or something which he has got comfortable with. hang tuah plays rough with my brother and i. if he wrestles with our hands, he would occasionally bites and scratches our hands. if he wrestles with sveaty, he would do the same thing to sveaty but he just gets timid with unfamiliar things or other cats. therefore, this makes us aware that hang tuah may not know how to survive if he is lost. he only eats premium cat's food and nothing else.

he doesn't know how to defend or to protect himself. he is like the pure house cats which doesn't know how to survive on his own. in comparison with human, he is the equivalent of the rich men's sons or daughters who are so used to having people do their house chores that they don't know how to do them on their own. it is a lucky thing that we have planted a chip that carries our details and home address at the back of his neck. if he gets lost, he can easily be detected from the chip and we can locate him and get him rescued. i cannot imagine how would all of us feel if he is lost. it would be very worrying and i am sure we will all not be able to sleep peacefully at night until he is found.

dad probably will be the most worried one. he has grown attached to hang tuah and feeds him every morning before he leaves for work. he pampers hang tuah and i can see that hang tuah is getting spoilt. we have repeatedly told dad not to mix his dry and wet food in the morning because wet food is only to be mix with his dry food in the evening. we encourage hang tuah to eat only dry food in the day time. since dad started to take over the feeding job every morning he has broken the rule and thus hang tuah refuses to eat his dry food in the day time and will not eat it at all until evening when we mix his wet food together. we don't have the heart to watch him starve himself anymore so we just leave it to dad to feed hang tuah however he likes. nevertheless, we made sure that dad doesn't feed him with wet food on its own because the most proteins come from the dry food.

i am so sleepy now diary. wouldn't it be great if i could just go to my room and lie in bed with aramis or chicken pie or taj mahal...i get no excitement nowadays even when i am thinking about them. don't get me wrong, i still love girls but i get bored easily. i don't know who i really want anymore. being single seems to make me happier than being attached. it's great to be single you know. you got all the time, money, energy and goodies all to yourself. you don't have to share and it is easier to make decision. if you are attached, you have to think of her and making decision takes longer because you have to consult her first and if a decision has been reached unanimously it is great but if it isn't, arguments and misunderstanding might occur and they give nothing but misery.

i think i am changing a lot but it's hard to say probably because i have not met a girl that i think is worth the attention. aramis has no doubt stayed put in my heart but i've grown tired of her game. i will probably still end up alone cos i am beginning not to believe that gay relationship is worth it. i prefer platonic relationships than sexual nowadays so that i can still go out there and explore what the girls have to offer me. being tied up with a relationship is like having one of your leg chained to her leg. your movements are restricted and your every move is being watched. i hope i can find a girl who is intellectually stimulating because to me that is sexy. i define sexy like that and she needs not have to reveal her body, it's all about the brains and not the skin. sexy is more than just a pretty face, sexy is having a certain quality that enable people to get attracted to you not on the merits of your looks or body, sexy is about having a magnetic characteristic that people just can't have enough of and sexy is about natural beauty that comes from within. it's really tough being sexy according to my definition isn't it? screw me...*chuckles*

he exists in my imagination

dear diary,

i took my family to dinner on sunday to celebrate mother's day. we left early and had maghrib at the sultan mosque. the place we were suppose to go to was crowded but i managed to get seats. it was a cafe and it has western concept like The Breeks. it is two months old and i understand why the service is slow, disorganise and poor. however, one good thing i could say about it is, it serves good food that makes your money worth. it has good reviews and that was why i decided to bring the family there. since it is new, it only accepts cash payments and i had to walk about 500 meters to the nearest ATM machine. that was inconvenience number 1.

the seats i got for my family, had one spot light which shine directly above my dad's bald head. it was really making him uncomfortable and we had to change seats cos according to him, he's getting headache already and i was just afraid that it might makes him even more balder *grins*. that was inconvenience number 2. after changing seats, we had to wait for a very long time before someone took our orders and that was only after my brother called him. that was inconvenience number 3. finally the owner of the restaurant came to our table and cooly apologised to us that his kitchen had run out of ingredients and stocks and it is literally impossible for them to cook what we have ordered. that was inconvenience number 4. i looked at him and i laughed in disbelieve. i was saying in my heart, after all that trouble you caused me to walk 500 meters to the nearest ATM machine and after your spotlight did an ugly job to my dad's already bald head giving him a headace, now you are telling me that your cook cannot have our food prepared because you had run out of stocks.

i was embarassed with my own family. there i was with good, squeaky clean intention to give a treat to my family especially mum on this special occassion but had to be dissapointed with such news. it was so anti climax but all of us managed to keep our cool. the owner tried to make it up to us by offering free sandwiches to us. we accepted his offer but decided to turn down his offer and head to the nearest turkish restaurant just across the street. we didn't lose our cool and just thought that there are still rooms for improvements on his part and we were just there to support.

the good thing about that location is that it has many cafes and restaurants and one can go to other places if face with problems like us. we decided to settle for turkish cuisine and was very satisfied with the service and food served. it was really an enjoyable experience and i cannot forget how tasty the food was. they were all delicious right from the starters to the main dishes. i begin to enforce my belief that whatever happens has reason and it was a blessing in disguise that the first cafe we went to was a dissapointment.

we would not have known of the good food and warm service offered at the turkish restaurant if not for what happened at the cafe. mum, dad, my brother and myself enjoyed the meals. although at first i did not understand the menu and was apprenhensive of eating there, i was happy that they did not let me down especially my family. it was a great satisfaction and i wouldn't mind going there again for the second time and so forth. i paid the bills and was surprised at how cheap it could be. not only that it serves good delicioud food but the prices are very affordable too. this is what i say, satisfaction guaranteed when you eat at that restaurant.

chicken pie called me when we were waiting for our food and i had to cut the conversation short cos i did not want to be softspoken out of a sudden and be mushy on the phone. that would bring nothing but suspicions among my family members especially mum. chicken pie got the message and put down the phone. after dinner she text me and told me she misses me very much and wished me goodnight and hoped that i will dream of her. oh yes, one more thing, she called me baby *grins*.

you know, i have always knew that going steady with chicken pie would make me feel so loved because chicken pie is the kind who calls someone she adores with names such as, 'darling', 'sayang', 'honey', 'dear', 'baby' and whatever that you can think of that sounds loving. i like that very much and i like it best when she calls me cos she has this very sweet voice that gives you the impression that you are talking to a sweet, cute and adorable woman. she's a very loving person and someone i should say caring. i am sure i will not feel neglected if i were to go steady with her. i do miss her and i do think of her most of the times but i am just afraid. i am afraid that aramis might appear in my life again and screw things up between chicken pie and i. aramis has the reputation like that in my life because i have love her so much that no girls on earth can overtake her position in my heart.

i dumped kiddo for aramis and history is going to repeat itself if i am not careful with my steps. eventually someone will get hurt and i don't want that to happen. i still have taj mahal to think about. geeess, i am so screwed up with girls already. tell me what to do diary? perhaps i should just remain as friends and then draw a line somewhere and stop getting intimate with them. this is for everybody's sake. i think that should be the way but how can i when almost every girls i met ...ermm..never mind. i will tell you some other days.

mum and i talked about my studies after dinner and i told her of my detailed plans and she agrees with me. i made it clear to her of my needs and wants and i can see the excitement in her face. she is happy for me and she asked how long is it going to be before i graduate. she did her calculation and told me how old she would be when i finally reach my destination. i looked at her and i nodded and i felt a slight sadness in my heart. i didn't know exactly wht did she mean by that but it could either mean, she was thinking if she would still be alive by then to watch how i achieve my goals or could she still afford to finance my studies by then.

i knew what she was thinking and i should have given her a hug, a big bear hug just to assure her not to worry about anything and i will make it there. i felt so much for her and i realised how much she wants me to get there. if there's anything i can do to make her all smiles i would and i walked beside her making a promise to myself that i will take care of her and dad even if i have to sacrifice my goals. i will do whatever it takes to give them a comfortable life. i love them so much and i want them to be happy, please god, allow me to have the time and capabilities to turn my dreams into realities, for them, myself and the whole family.

there's not many of us left in the family, logically speaking there are only my eldest brother and i and if he can't take care of them, it has to be me and i am ready for it if i have to. you know diary, i keep praying to God to bless my parents with good health. i am so worried that they might get sick or disable because i know what it is going to be like. i always have this fear in me for them. it takes great patience to endure such test from God because i have seen it and feel what it is like. i have witnessed someone so strong and healthy to be so sick and helpless like a child. anything can happen to us and i am so scared of that. i often think of my late brother and wonder what is it going to be like if he were still alive.

i wonder if we would have been the same like before. i wonder would i have realised how much i love him, i wonder if i would have been remorseful for all the wrongs i have done. i felt his lost all these while and i have been holding back the pain. i will definitely feel blank on my birthday because it is so close to his death. it is just one month apart from my birthday and it falls on the same date as my birthday as well. i am not over his death yet diary. sometimes i imagined that he was still alive hanging around in the house. we have never been separated and have lived under the same roof all our lives and it is difficult to get used to the fact that he's gone forever. i miss him so much and i only can hope to see him again in the afterlife and i don't know when it is going to be.

i want to shout out loud how much i love him and how sorry i am but i can't. mum is indeed a very strong person, i think she is stronger than me. i just had to cut the conversation short everytime she spoke about my late brother because i knew i will break down anytime soon. most celebrations are done without him now and i keep reflecting on the past when he was still around. i have to stop doing it diary but i can't. it happened naturally and i need it to happen because it will at least ease the pain a little. when it happened, i would just forget about everything else and would be in my own world imagining him to exist. it's how i comfort myself and i hope he understands. i am not sure if my parents are doing the same thing like i do, they seemed calm and fine on the surface but we cannot take everything at face value. how can you tell a broken heart that is beyond repair from a smiling face? if you have figure out how, let me know and i will learn.

i'm queen of the road

dear diary, it looks like i have to go to JB every saturday nowadays. it has been the family's routine and i think it will be ours for a long period of time. i had my driving lesson as usual on saturday morning. dad sent me to the driving centre and i wasn't late. i repeated what i have learnt last two saturdays. i think i am improving because i am picking up the techniques already but it's just that i get forgetful sometimes. the correct technique for changing gear is to release the accelarator pedal and depress the clutch pedal simultaneously.

after that, change to my desired gear, depress the accelerator pedal at the same time release the clutch pedal simultaneously slowly. i have already registered that in my brain however, the instructor was confident that i could start driving on the road and there i was sitting behind the wheel driving back to the driving centre. i was so excited but at the same time was nervous that i forgot all the technique. it was chaotic but not so bad and credit should be given to me for not getting panic on the road at my first try.

the first few meters after coming out of the training ground was bad. he didn't prepared me mentally at all that it was time for me to go out, i was circling around the circuit when he stopped my car, got in and point me to the direction where to head. i only knew that i was driving back to the driving centre when i asked him where we were going. i knew i will be driving on the road on that day but i had expected him to tell me when it is going to be so i can quickly calm and compose myself before coming out of the circuit. the minute i was behind the white line, i felt my heart beating so fast i felt that it could fly out of its place.

i read myself some prayers silently and try to focus my attention on the road. when i moved out of the circuit, i stalled the engine and the car stopped in the middle of the straight road. it was such a narrow escape for me because there was no car behind me otherwise i think i could have been knocked from behind. the instructor almost lost his cool with me and was kind of surprise that i did what i did. he expected me to be alert and know of the technique and controlling of the legs movement. i was surprised at my performance as well and i knew i couldn't be nervous and had to calm myself. the road was not busy and i had time to focus and relax.

the reason why i stalled the engine was i thought he meant for me to depress on the brake pedal when he said 'place your feet on the brake pedal'. this is what happened when you are having a nervous breakdown, simple things can seem complex and hard to comprehend. everything seems to be so difficult and new and like you have never done it before. i was supposed to change my gear from 1 to 2, so i had to release the accelerator pedal and depress the clutch pedal, then change my gear but instead i release the accelerator pedal and depress the brake pedal fully.

gosh, i was really lucky there was no cars behind me otherwise i was sure i will be hit from behind. oh boy, that was really a narrow escape. i started the engine back and i moved off. i did not have a smooth start but it was okay at a later stage although i occassionally made little mistake here and there. i knew what i have to do then and it's all about focusing and being calm and collected. i noticed that when i was calm and compose, i could drive better and did not make major mistakes, therefore the next lesson i will read some prayers for calming myself down and also the prayer for travelling in a vehicle.

driver was supposed to return my money back on saturday. he text messaged me on thursday evening and asked when we could meet. we arranged to meet on saturday after my driving lesson but he didn't call me neither did he text message me. his phone was switched off and i kind of thought that history is going to repeat itself. you know that he played me out once before don't you diary? i started to feel cheated and angry a little. i waited till sunday but there was still no news from him until at 2 in the afternoon. he told me he would return my money on monday evening and i told him to take appointments seriously next time. i spoke harshly and firmly with him not to take my kindness for granted and told him to walk the talk instead of making me wait. he got quiet again and i had to call him to make sure he understands. he explained his blunder and promised me he will return my money back today in the evening.

you know diary, one of these days i might have to stop giving people loan. it's sickening that i have to keep on chasing them to return me back my money. i am just so fed up with things. it looks like my disgraceful youngest brother is not going to return my money back and now i have to act like a loan shark to get my money back from driver. i hate to be mean but circumstances are making me mean. mentioning about my youngest brother is already making me so sick. i tell you diary, i am so over him as my brother. he deserves nothing but hate from me.

i understand now how did my late brother feel towards my youngest brother and now i know why he left such will before his death. it is sad that something like this has to happen in a family unit but i guess we have to take the bulls by the horn in certain situations and just learn how to live with it. he doesn't grow up with us anyway and so i guess the bond is not as strong as how it is with my other family members. i always take him as an outsider because i knew he will be one forever even if we are related by blood. he hardly knows relatives from mum's side and very distant from them. he gets uncomfortable being with us when we are with relatives on mum's side. i just realised that he will never be a part of us because he simply can't.

you know diary, i have been waiting for the day where i can give him a piece of my mind. i am waiting for any slightest provocation from him and i promise you when the time comes, i will put up a very spectacular show that one will never forget the experience. mum and dad are not talking to me about it because i guess they knew what went wrong and do not wish to get entangle with it. perhaps i should start writing my wills to exclude him from possesing any of my belongings and properties. i have changed my beneficiaries for my CPF and insurance policies. he is excluded now and i like it to remain that way and nothing he do will make me include him again even after he has return my money back although that seem unlikely. do you understand how i feel diary?

as much as i hate to be feeling this way for my own flesh and blood, still i have to protect my interest and ensure that only those who deserves my hard earned money gets to taste it when i die. i don't want any hopeless, useless lunatic to be enjoying with my money earned from my sweat. if you know him well enough, he can be very cunning and an opportunist. he shamelessly asked dad to buy him a motorcycle if he passes his licence. what was so appalling was that he did not have the slightest shame and regrets for all the trouble he had caused to the family.

diary, i hate him so much now that i began to think that it should have been him who died instead of my second brother. if you could feel the temperature of my heart right now, you would have understand. people might easily mistook me as heartless and wicked but if they had known the real facts and stories behind my actions, they would have understand. i just hope that dad would be wise enough and do things fairly next time. i am sorry for saying what i have said about him to you but i need to let it out diary. just hear me out, that's all i asked you to do.

looking for a place for me

dear diary, i saw satria on yahoo messenger two nights ago. we chatted and i think i might be her housemate soon if everything works according to plan. it all started when i asked her about a suitable place to stay near to the college i will be studying at. the college offers accomodations for students but i would like to keep my options open and if i can get a place to stay which is cheap, affordable and safe why not? she's renting an apartment somewhere in some place known to be an elite area. i might be taking one room from her. it's not vacant right now but it will be soon just before the time for me to move in.

the current tenant might be moving out to penang and that leaves the room empty. i am not sure yet but we'll just have to wait till the time comes which is not too far away from now. satria told me that her place is not too near neither it is far from the college but since i will be driving, then there shall be no problem to get to college. it takes 30 minutes approximately to get there excluding the traffic jams. i just figured that i will not get caught in the traffic jams as definitely my school hours will not clash with the office hours. neverthless, i should be mentally prepared to face the traffic there and be prepared to get stuck in traffic jams.

chicken pie called me just after i took my shower and i told her about the accomodation thing. i just thought she would be happy and glad for me that i am able to find cheap safe place to stay but instead she didn't sound really happy about it. she asked who am i going to stay with and assumed that she's one of the girls i am fond with. she was joking and teasing me but i just sense something else. she told me that it is far from the college and traffic will be bad and it will be more expensive than i think it might be because of petrol and toll. she sounded uptight when she told me about the disadvantages of living there and then made it up to me by telling me that she does not meant to scare me but she just wants to give me her honest opinion. i didn't say much, i just let her talk.

from my experience the tone of her voice sends me a signal that she's upset but i can't figure out what is she upset about. i believe everything she said about traffic, tolls and petrol but i couldn't help to wonder why did she have to be uptight about it when it's not even confirm i will be putting up there? i explained to her that i need a place which is cheap and comfortable. i'll be paying the rent out of my own pocket money and of course i have to find one which allows me to stay within my budget. i have an offer from satria and i know it's going to be comfortable and safe cos satria and i have been long distance friends for more than 5 years. i was surprised at chicken pie's reaction because i knew she knows about my financial plight, i didn't expect her to be so uptight about it. in the midst of the small argument, i asked if she can find me a place which is cheap and safe but yet i will feel comfortable living in?

she said she will find me a place and said her colleague might be able to take me in. for goodness sake, how can i even be comfortable living in with a total stranger on my first day few thousands kilometers away from home? that's the thing about this whole argument, she just can't see the point i am trying to make here. it's just like the time when she wanted me to come to KL a few days earlier so that she can have more time to spend with me but she didn't think if i would be comfortable putting up at her place with the whole family. do you remember diary? it was during CNY and i had to think of excuses to politely decline her offer. what really puzzles me is the fact that we are not even attached to each other. i didn't really counter attack her arguments because i never take it seriously anyway, i let her do the talking most of the times. i had to cut the conversation short cos i was rushing to catch the Asar prayer time and told her i had to go before the time is up. she understands and i rushed to get the wudhu but it proved that i spent too much time on the phone. i had to forgo Asar and i don't know who to blame. *grins* the phonecall delayed me but i don't want to think about it.

you know diary, i got so excited watching amazing race. i think this time round i am really getting emotionally involved. i like rob and ember team and i hope they will be the winner for this season. ron and kelly are their toughest competitor and they are the one who rob and ember should watch out for. ohh geess, i think i will be very dissapointed if rob and ember lose the race. ohhh please make them win. TCS 5 is not showing anymore of The Practice on tuesday night. i don't know why, it is probably end of season and i feel so wasted cos i missed the season final episode last tuesday. i hope that it will come back soon cos i really love the practice. talking about tv programmes, The OC, One Tree Hill and Everwood are playing tonight and i am so excited. you know what diary, i still haven't called the rag and bone man to collect the tv. i think i should already, it's good to have extra cash in hand.

you know i went to east coast on sunday night and i ate seafood. i am so crazy over seafood, i ate cockles, squid, and those, you know, what do you call them? snail?? and those siput sedut..hahaha...really don't know what you call them in english. i love seafood you know. i have fixed menu if i am having seafood, i just love seafood that i think i will never get tired of it. i love chiili squid, tomato crabs, those snails in white big shells (i don't know what it's called in malay and english *grins*), cockles, siput sedut, lala, ehhh, i think i love all seafood lah. goshhh the one stall at newton serves good tasty seafood. i love to have my seafood there, there's another one at lau pa sat, but go to the chinese stall, they cook better seafood than the malay stall there. however, the chinese stall is not Halal so if you mind, then just settle for the malay stall. i love the chinese buns there, they are serve big, hot and crispy! you eat them with the chilli crab sauce and you can never stop.

i actually had plans to take the flying waitress there you know, cos i remember she mentioned to me about having chilli crabs when i went out with her the second time but i guess it's not meant to be. *smiles and shrugs* there's another one seafood stall at JB, i think it's called Lido, it's popular for it's fried baby crab and it's chilli siput sedut, some people call it chuk chuk is it? i go crazy over seafood but i know i have to control my intake as they are high in cholestrol. probably i will bring my family there to eat some day on my treat. i am sure they are going to love it. i am so hungry right now diary and i am starting to crave for so many things. i think i better stop now. you take care, bye.

salute to all mothers

dear diary,

i saw many skaters at east coast and i only realised how much have i been missing skating. i looked at my toe and i can only pray for it to heal fast so i am able to get back into action with skating. it's been a month and a half now and the fats and calories in my body are accumulating. ohh damn...i really need to start skating. the bandage to my toe has came off and i can see the nail is gone exposing the flesh, it's not 100 percent dry neither it is 100 percent wet but i can sense that it is healing, i feel pain occasionally but it is bearable. sleeping over at pizza's house really taught me a lot on how it is like to have a toddler in the family. it's not easy neither it is tough, you need a lot of patience and energy.

i cooked breakfast for them in the morning and i played with battery so that pizza can do her housework. she is 8 months pregnant now and her movements are very slow. battery is such a drama queen faking cries occasionally because i fell asleep while playing with her. i woke up to her cries and i knew she was faking the cry cos there were no tears in her eyes. i think she takes after pizza because pizza is such a drama queen as well among all of our cousins. she is emotional and more sensitive than me. it would be boring without her cos she always has stories to tell and things to say and having her around is never going to be boring. i helped pizza a lot with taking care of battery for the two days we were together. i helped put battery to sleep and helped to carry her to her bed while she was sleeping.

it is tough being a mother and i understand now why paradise is at the bottom of every mother's feet. battery just grew more attached with me wanting to come with me till to the toilet. i had to think of some stories to tell her not to make her follow me into the toilet. kids can become so attached to you easily if you managed to win their hearts. it gives me a little experience that i am needing to prepare myself for motherhood. oh come on diary, it's not like i am getting married but i know i will have children someday, biologically or not. one thing i learnt about having a toddler is, you will have some graffiti on your walls and never expect your house to be squeaky clean. i have always love big families and i was thinking about 4 children but now i think let's talk about 2 children first. *giggles* i don't mind taking in 4 children if they are not toddlers but if they are, then 2 is enough.

there's this tv show on tv called Adoption and it shows how couples managed their time, energy and money having adopted children around. some of them even have 12 adopted children and from different races! this documentary film is usually about families in the united states and i truly admire them for being able to love children who are not theirs biologically. i sometimes wonder if i am able to love the children if i were adopting any soon. i think i can because if i can love somebody who was a stranger to me and if i can love a cat who is not even human, why can't i love children who are not my own? it's debatable but knowing myself i think i can. i always have soft spot for animals, children and old people. they make me soft and weak at the knees. *chuckles*

oh yes diary, i watched Music Extravaganza and i saw Dayang Nurfaizah. goshh, i could really fall in love with that woman. her hair has grown longer and it makes me even more attracted to her. she seems, tall, dark, slim and sweet. she grooves and i like her moves. cherryl samad is another one of my hot favourites from malaysia. geeezzz, these women really have something that makes me crave for them. probably not the most gorgeous or beautiful but absolutely attractive and charming. *grins* oh well, i guess i can only admire them from far because these are the women that i can never have even if i am goo goo gaa gaa over them.

oh diary, i bought 'Bone + Formula' from Nature's Farm and it is for my bones. it contains calcium and i bought it at 20 percent discount, thanks to my membership. i saw one poster there about Collagen Matrix and i asked the nutritionist what are the benefits. she explained to me and gave me one of the brochure about it. it is good for the skin and helps to bring back the youthful glow. i have no doubts about the benefits but i guess i have to wait before i make my purchase because i think i have spent about 100 bucks this month for supplements and i don't want to spend above budget. i just have to wait for some other months i guess. i am already seeing the result from taking Primrose Oil and Vit B complex and i think the collagen can wait.

oh diary, little sister called me on my birthday and she wishes me happy birthday. she told me the birthday gift will be delayed a bit for the holiday. she promised me to send her pictures as well and i am actually looking forward for her picture than the present. kinabalu and decent exposure sent me their wishes through sms. kiddo sent me her wishes through email and told me her mobile phone broke and it is being repaired at a shop. she lost all her contact list in the phone and asked me to email her back with my number in it. i don't understand that girl. how can a person have her mobile phone lost, broke and soaked in water so many times? it seems unusual and i just thought that what is there to repair if the phone is broken? i don't really know how severe it is but it's just unlikely that you want to repair a broken mobile phone. i might as well buy a new one unless the phone has sentimental values, i might still keep it. i haven't replied her email yet but i plan to do so soon.

i am not hoping but was just wondering if aramis remembers my birthday. i think she doesn't and she never will. she always gives me false promises and i have began to learn not to cling on to every word she says to me. i know what she is like already and i have grown used to her styles. she probably hopes for me to text her a birthday wish on her birthday but she doesn't bothered to do so for me. she's like that, always will be like that. she only hopes and wants me to give her all the attentions in the world without returning me back what i deserve. i am not expecting anything in return but isn't it natural for a person to expect just some nitty gritty little something from somebody she deems special?

her birthday falls on the day i will have my driving test and we will see if i get any text from her reminding me of her birthday or probably she will do the same things like what she did to me the other day. i am sure something will happen within those period and we can only wait and see. i miss her diary, and i cannot wait for her to know that i will be moving out of here soon to KL. i just want to see what is her next move. i will not tell her unless she asks and i will not text her unless she texts me first. she will surely asks my whereabouts if i happen to text her from my maxis mobile line. i'm not going to ask her of anything anymore. i am not sulking but i just want her to make the move first. i want to see her reactions and i just want to know how far is she willing to prove to me what she has told me. i know what she is like, and i want to see if she can go beyond her usual self to prove to me something. we just have to wait and see.

i am wearing my new nike sneaker now. it's a birthday gift from my eldest brother. i love this nike sneaker, it's brown in colour with the nike logo and shoelaces dark brown. it's not made from the usual shoe material but it's made from rugs. you know that rug material where people can usually find rice in them. it's kind of unique that's why i like it. you know diary, once i started going back to school, i cannot do anymore shopping and i cannot eat luxuriously. everything has to be well spent and i have to be thrifty with my spending habits. i guess, it's back to the good old days but i am sure it won't be that bad for me. because i have shopped enough and i have more than enough shoes, bags, jeans, pants, clothes and everything else that a student needs. all i have to do then is to focus and give all my attentions to the books.

seeing the enemy on my birthday

dear diary, i have been waiting for the rag and bone man to come and collect my old tv but till today they didn't come. i have decided to call for a different rag and bone man. i hope to sell my old tv set to them for at least 50 bucks and 100 bucks the most. i saw the advertisement in the paper that they take used working or spoilt tv at a minimum price of 100 bucks. however, i am not hoping to sell at 100 cos these advertisements always look good on the surface and most of these rag and bone man don't keep to their promises. they have a reputation to buy stuffs at the most cheapest price and i am not going to let go of mine until i am able to sell it at 50 bucks the least.

i went out for dinner with my family on friday night. it was my treat since it was my birthday eve and i didn't expect to be so bitter during the long weekend especially on my birthday. during dinner, dad received a call from my youngest brother from home. he came over to the house thinking that we were at home. the minute i knew it was him, i became so angry. i got very tense and i knew i will be very unhappy when i got home. he was there when we got home and i didn't take a single look at him. i didn't even acknowledge him. he does not exist to me and he will never exist in my life.

i grew so annoyed with him and i have lost all respect towards him. he tried to make small conversation with me but i didn't act as if he had talk to me. i treated him like a useless transparent plastic bag at my disposal. he got the message and he left me alone. he spent the night with us and mum turned the prayer's room into his sleeping area. i couldn't even be bothered to see if he was fine. i minded my own business and try to keep my composure because i knew, if anybody start with me on that day, i will run amok and someone might get a very bloody tongue bashing. i guess my family knows me too well to even bring up the topic. they left me alone and i left them alone.

i made a call to my driving school and told them about my toe and how i wasn't able to wear shoes during the lesson. they understood and allowed me to wear sandals so i went for my driving lesson on saturday as usual. i woke up in the morning and dad sent me to the driving centre. it was my second practical lesson and i have begun to learn how to drive a car and understand the mechanism of a car. i learned how to use the reverse gear and how to change gears from 1 to 4. the instructor left me alone in the car for me to learned how to reverse at the most minimal speed. i could feel that my left leg started to shiver and aching. i had to control the clutch pedal when reversing because i was told to go very slow as possible.

now i understand why my brother argued so much with my dad just to get him to agree to settle for an auto transmission car. i think i did okay for the second lesson and he told me that we will start learning on roads on the next lesson and boy was i excited. dad fetched me from the driving school and took me to the polyclinic to get my dressing changed. i didn't have to wait long cos i didn't need to see the doctor. the nurses changed my dressing and i just figured that i could do this on my own. they didn't really do much actually. they took the bandaged off, washed my toe and bandaged it again. i could do it at home myself i thought. we went home and there he was again. i greeted hang tuah when i got home and proceeded to do my own things. having him at home was such an eye sore everytime i unintentionally looked at him, so i stayed put in my room.

i got online and there she was, my old friend. do you remember oldie, diary? i told you about her didn't i? she was online at MSN and we chatted for awhile. we haven't been chatting for 2 years i think. we just lost in touch and i really don't know why. we talked about stuffs, people and us. she's doing ok and well i suppose. it's good to know that an old friend is doing fine after not keeping in touch for a period considered long. i think i behaved myself when i chatted with her. *grins* i didn't try to be funny neither did i try to be cocky.

everything done at moderate level and we didn't even talk about relationship stuffs. she told me she was in JB and wanted to ring me but was afraid. i didn't really know why but i figured that i might have made her feel that way when we lost in touch. there wasn't any news at all, i just became quiet and silent occasionally sending my thoughts through email. i became silent and quiet with lots of people especially old friends. i don't know but i guess sometimes we have to do that don't we? too much of something is bad and it is good to have time to ourselves alone to be able to reflect on what we have done to the friendships or relationships we have. things said that were never supposed to be said and acts done that were never supposed to be done. we grow older and hopefully wiser and the maturity teaches us that self-reflection is a neccessity in life.

as i am getting older, i realised that i never get excited easily nowadays. perhaps it's the age that mellowing me down or it's just things in my life that keep my two feet firmly on the ground. what happened to my late brother, the thing my youngest brother did to me and the thought of moving away from my family in search of a better tomorrow in a strange land, they all make me even deeper in thoughts when i am on my own. i enjoy being alone nowadays, it's just me and my thoughts. i wonder if i will ever get to meet all the people i once love in the after life, the people i once cared for and still do. i wonder if i am still going to be gay in the after life. i can only wonder sadly.

i went for my quran class as usual and i feel a little lost after being absent last week. i saw the familiar faces and the not so familiar faces. module 2 is tougher and there are a lot of new things to learn and know. it is dificcult without lots of practice and i am hoping that i can get through with it smoothly. i am learning quran with tajwid and that what makes it a little difficult because the ustaz emphasised on the correct and proper pronounciation of every letter. we must be extra careful spelling and reading paying attention to which letter that the pronounciation needs prolongation or vibration. we need to recognise the symbols that indicates how to read and spell the letters. i get blur sometimes and i am lucky that i have my mum to tutor me when i am lost.

my family fetched me from class and we headed straight to jb. there he was again and it made me even more annoyed. i have begun to hate him so much diary. i am not sure if i am able to talk to him again. for now, i can't even look at him let alone have him near my sight. if only i had known that he was coming along, i would have stayed at home instead. the more longer he was near my sight, the more tense i got. i was very upset having him around but i couldn't let my parents know because it would hurt them and it will only make them sad. i tolerated with everything and i had to put up with all the nonsense on my own. i found out that he is also taking his class 3 license and not only that, he is also taking his class 2B as well!

all i could feel at that moment was to come up to him and give him a good spit in his face. imagine this diary, all these while he was having a lot of financial problems due to his own doing and all these while my dad has endlessly supported him financially. i lent him the money with the thought of helping a flesh and blood in need of help and look at where it got me? he could have paid my money back but instead he is financing his driving lessons without sparing a thought to settle what needed to be settled first. i swear to god on my late brother's grave that i will not acknowledge him as my own flesh and blood anymore. i have grown to despise him so much, i have grown to hate him so much that it is beyond description what i think of him right now.

tell me that i am too much diary but i don't give a fuck. it is not about the money but it is more of his fucking attitude. i have my reasons, he knows it and my family knows it too. i am just dissapointed with how things had work out. i think you know how i feel diary. you know about that episode don't you? i made my parents lost 20K in one week and since then i have never asked for any financial assistance from them again. i learnt how to survive on my own, you know that yourself don't you diary?

everything that i own is from my own hard earned money. sometimes, i feel that it is unfair how my parents are treating us but i brush away this thought. dad sent my eldest brother to UK to further his study and spent so much on his education, dad spent so much on lawyer's fees just to save my youngest brother's ass from the law. he provided financial assistance to my late brother as well for him to get by, but he did not spend much on me except for that 20K.

when i told him i wanted to further my study, he seemed to be having second thoughts on providing me with financial assistance. i knew that look on his face and i didn't ask anymore. i kind of knew what to expect and i didn't put any hope having him to finance my studies later on. i save hard from now and when i lent my youngest brother that money, i meant well but he dissapoint me very much diary. i took the money out from my savings and that money was meant for my studies. my parents knew about it but you cannot expect them to be on my side because after all we are all their children. all they could say to me was, 'he is your brother after all'...yeah, and i am his sister.

is it too much for me to ask for what is rightfully mine? you know that they gave financial aid to my eldest brother when he took his license? do you know that they gave my brothers pocket money on their first day of job? and do you know that i had to sell off my mobile phone so that i have enough to cover for my transport before i got my salary? they could have asked me but they didn't and i couldn't be bothered to ask from them either. i knew that they would be glad to assist me financially if i had ask but i didn't. my parents are not bad parents but it is just with me that they are different because i am stubborn and i live by my own rules and principles at home. i am the only one in the siblings that counter attack my parents if they pick on me and usually i say what is true and you know that truth always hurt don't you diary? they know that i am fine until i ask them for help.

honestly, i may be the only daughter but i am the most independent of all. experiences taught me to be a tough bitch. my friends call me the iron lady, the one woman that shows off the woman power in her. i don't know, deep down inside i get sad sometimes. i often feel that i am not treated fairly but what can i say and what can i do? i get hurt most of the times thinking about it. i am prepared to face anything, if i have to work just to put myself through school, then i will. it's not a problem to me at all. mum has offered to finance my studies but i know i cannot be totally dependent on her. i have to work out something and i just have to keep on working hard to make ends meet on my part. i have to get out of here, i need to be somewhere else. the chances of running into my youngest brother is thick as long as i am here and i cannot afford to have another look at him even for a split second. i love my family very much, he just didn't earn a place in my family's list. as much as i hate to leave my family, i need to be where my heart feels i belong.

mum bought me a birthday gift and a hand made durian cake. the gift is a book by the famous malaysia's cartoonist, Lat, `DR.Who?`. i have not read the book yet but i truly appreciate it. the cake was nice according to my cousins and brother. i didn't eat the cake cos i only eat cakes which are chocolate in flavour. pizza came over the house on sunday afternoon with battery and i cooked them rice with fried chicken and eggs. knowing that i have not been using my cooking skills a lot lately, it was a surprise that the fried rice turned out okay. battery was her usual self, very shy and always hanging around her mother during the first few minutes of the visit. after she got comfortable, she began to run on her own around the house. the ever charming hang tuah entertained her with his climbing and running skills.

battery grew fond of me and followed me wherever i went. somehow i think she got attached to me because i was the only human beside hang tuah who entertained her. i helped pizza to put battery to sleep. i never knew it was so difficult to put toddler to sleep. i had to carry her around the house, i had to accompany her watch TV and i had to read her a book before she fell asleep. i was creating up a story cos i was too lazy to read her stories from the book and thank god before i knew it, battery fell asleep in my arms. i carried her to the bed room and lay her down on the mattress. in a minute, i too fell asleep. we woke up and got prepared to go dinner at east coast beach food court. battery wanted me to carry her and i had to carry her until we got into the car. in the car, again i had to make faces and tell stories to battery to make her feel fun and i began to feel like a clown from a children's entertainment agency.