The Things I Took So Long To Realise...

Hello Diary,

I have just reprimanded Hang Tuah for his misbehaviour. It has been two days continuously and his attitude just drove me up the wall. I find myself shouting at him trying to discipline him and I took the cane to hit him but I simply could not hit him with it. Perhaps he is just too adorable to be reprimanded with a cane or maybe I simply do not have the heart to carry out harsh disciplinary actions on animals, which I know can be very helpless. If you ask me what my weaknesses are, I would say my family, the elderly and animals. If I can do miracles, I would protect all the animals on earth. I cannot tolerate cruelty to animals. If I come across any cruelty to animals, I am sure I would have stand up for the animals. 

How has it been going for you Diary? Things on my side are fine I guess. Yes, I had found a job since the last entry I wrote to you and after three days, I quit. Nothing is new isn’t it? Well I hated the job and I was not comfortable in there. The environment and the benefits in the end to me are not attractive. Well, I found a new job again and this time I somewhat know I can stay long. I have not started work yet, they are doing some background financial checks and I am waiting for the clearance. The job scopes are the same with the old bank I was with and I know I have an ex colleague who will be working together with me, so yeah I can say with confidence that I will be comfortable here.  

The interview went well and I have set up my mind to tell the interviewer the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but of course that did not how exactly it happened actually. Well who could have blamed me? Nobody tells the truth in an interview. You somehow have to cook some sort of stories to secure the job. Telling the whole truth and nothing but the truth is madness and a risk. The interviewer was an ex staff of the old bank I used to work for. It was a smooth interview because he asked me questions that were fair and not very difficult to answer. The interview was straightforward, simple and long. I asked him relevant questions that I have just read over the internet on the most suitable questions to ask during an interview. I listened to him and I answered his questions earnestly. Of course, I did not tell him that I have had two short previous banking experiences after my last job and before the interview. That was really the part that I was not honest. I could not, and anybody would have agreed with me. How can I include 13 days and 3 days of experiences in my resume? Doing that would just be suicidal that will lead to other more difficult to answer questions.     

At the end of the interview, he offered me the position right away and I knew I nailed it. I wanted this job Diary. The environment would suit me and I know I would be comfortable. He asked what my concerns are and I told him there are only two things that I look for in a company which are the financial rewards and how comfy I can get in that new environment. That was a candid answer. After job hunting and well, perhaps job-hopping, sincerely I realised how important it is to be comfortable in a new environment.  However, there are two things to aim at in my life:  first, to get what I want and after that, to enjoy it. It took me almost my whole life to realise that only the wisest of humankind achieve the second. The environment has to be conducive and superiors have to be tactful on how to tackle issues with staffs. Honestly, I was comfortable with my job before but yeah I was looking for more in terms of monetary rewards to open my own food stall quickly. You know that happiness is excitement that has found a settling down place but there is always a little corner that keeps flapping around.  

I got the job, which offers me great monetary rewards, but I swear the working environment sucks to the core. I felt like I was going to hell when I reported to work. Hence, monetary rewards are not really the whole thing; you have to be happy coming to work or at least at ease and comfortable. Now I know.   Man is fond of counting his troubles, but he does not count his joys.  If he counted them up as he ought to, he would see that every lot has enough happiness provided for it. 

Hidupkan Mimpi Itu

Hello Diary,

Sudah sekian lama aku tidak menulis dalam bahasa Melayu. Rindu. Itu lah satu satunya descriptions yang boleh aku rasakan pada kau dan seluruh orang orang yang pernah atau masih aku sayangi. Rindu sekali pada keadaan hidup dahuluku di Subang Jaya. Ya, aku masih tidak boleh get over the fact that I have moved back to Singapore. Oh maafkan aku ya, terlupa sekejap yang aku sedang berbicara dalam Bahasa Melayu pada kau. Kadang kadang, boleh dikatakan aku hayal hingga lupa pada objective utama. 

Sedih. Ya sedih aku dengan keadaan diri. Sudah sekian lama tapi masih lagi ada harapan untuk kembali ke Subang Jaya tempat yang pernah membuat aku rasa gembira sekali. Walaupun tidak kaya, tapi kehidupan aku masa itu cukup untuk membahagiakan aku. Dengan kawan kawan yang aku sayangi, aku amat gembira berada di sana walaupun berjauhan dari keluarga. Hidup aku kini selepas 2 tahun kembali masih lagi dibayangi oleh pengalaman pahit dan manis aku di sana. Sudah berapa kali bertukar perkerjaan kerana aku hanya berkerja sebab aku tahu aku mesti berkerja. Tidak pernah aku berkerja dan berasa happy dengan perkerjaan itu. 

Usah ditanya berapa kerja yang sudah aku ada atau berapa interviews yang sudah aku pergi. Banyak sekali pengalaman interviews yang aku kumpul hingga aku rasa aku boleh meneka apa yang akan ditanya oleh interviewers interviewers itu. Banyak sekali pengalaman aku sehingga aku sudah berasa mual dan jelak dengan routine mencari kerja. Aku begitu ghairah mencari kerja dahulu ketika baru pulang ke Singapura tetapi keadaan sudah berubah bagi diriku. Menyampah, malas dan sudah tidak ada semangat untuk menjalani routine itu semula kerana aku tahu aku tidak pernah ada hati yang penuh untuk melakukan kerja itu bersungguh sungguh. Aku hanya berkerja dengan harapan aku boleh mengumpul duit dengan secepat mungkin atau sebanyak yang mungkin dalam masa yang singkat supaya aku boleh membuka business aku sendiri dan secara tidak langsung aku boleh menjejakkan kaki ke Subang Jaya lagi. 

Diary, kalau engkau tahu sejujur jujurnya, aku memang tidak pernah berhasrat membuat perkerjaan yang pernah aku ada di sini sebagai career. Begitu lantang aku berbicara di dalam interiew sehingga aku senang mendapat perkerjaan. Ada kalanya aku berpendapat kalaulah ada pertandingan best interrviewee, memang sudah lama aku mengangkat trophy kemenangan. Tapi sebenarnya aku hanya menipu diri sendiri. Oh, I am not merely looking for a job but I am looking for a job which I hope to turn it into my career. Itulah ayat aku yang selalu aku gunakan untuk memancing interviewer untuk memilih aku. Bila diberi peluang itu, aku hanya boleh bertahan dalam 3 hingga 6 bulan sahaja. 

Penipu. Itulah aku Diary. Tetapi, aku rasa bukan aku seorang sahaja yang buat begitu. Inilah dunia dan selamat datang ke dunia aku ucapkan pada semua. Siapa sahaja yang tidak pernah menipu di dalam interview? Bohong sekali kalau tidak ada langsung di antara kita yang menipu. Itulah hakikatnya bahawa kita harus score dalam interview untuk memiliki kerja itu. Cuba bayangkan senario ini Diary, jikalau aku berterus terang dengan interviewer bahawa aku memilih untuk memohon kerja itu kerana aku harus berkerja untuk menyara diriku kerana diriku ini mempunyai keperluan asas yang harus aku jaga. Ini adalah soal makan dan minum dan soal aku ingin mencapai cita cita aku sebab aku ingin mencari wang yang banyak untuk membolehkan aku membuka sendiri kedai makanku yang sudah lama aku impikan. 

Kebenaranya, aku tidak pernah mahu membuat perkerjaan ini sebagai career aku sebab aku mempunyai agenda aku sendiri. Berkerja untuk setahun atau setahun setengah sehingga duit dan criteria aku mencukupi untuk mempunyai business sendiri. Yaaa....itulah dia jawapan aku.

Adakah kau rasa aku akan diambil kerja sedangkan aku memang tiada minat atau passion langsung untuk melakukan tugas itu. Semestinya interviewer mahukan seorang yang boleh berkerja lama di dalam syarikat itu. Sebab, high percentage of staffs turnover tidak begitu menguntungkan syarikat. 

Memang dari aku kecil, kalau bermain sendirian atau dengan abang abangku, aku akan memainkan peranan sebagai seorang penjaja makanan. Kertas akan aku gunting mengikut ukuran wang kertas untuk aku teruskan imaginasi aku bahawa kertas itu adalah wang. Products jualan aku ketika itu selalunya makanan seperti mee rebus, mee siam, lontong, mee soto dan macam macam lagi makanan. Itulah permainan aku ketika kecil dan sumpah aku tidak pernah bosan dengan permainan itu. Memang aku bercita cita untuk menjadi bos dari kecil. Suka sekali aku pada idea untuk menjadi nadi dalam syarikat milik aku sendiri. 

Penat. Aku penat Diary. Aku penat untuk bermimpi lagi. Banyak kesilapan yang aku buat di dalam hidupku yang jikalau aku meneliti keadannya, aku sebenarnya hanya membuang masa dengan berhayal dan bermimpi. Marah sungguh aku dengan diriku. Marah yang tidak pernah aku boleh tunjukkan. Mungkin juga aku sudah mula berputus asa dengan harapan, mimpi dan hayalan yang pernah aku agung agungkan. Tetapi, pernah aku mendengar bahwa mimpi adalah kunci untuk kita menakluki dunia. Mimpi yang bagaimana rupanya Diary? 

Aku tahu hidup tidak selalu adil tetapi kita boleh mengubah keadaan jika kita mahu. Ya, aku masih punyai mimpi dan cita cita cuma aku tahu ia akan mengambil masa untuk mencapainya. Tiada mimpi yang mustahil untuk kita. Sampai ke bulan sudah manusia jelajah inikan pula untuk mempunyai kedai makan sendiri. Aku hanya perlu akur dan tunduk dengan keadaan bahawa walaupun aku tidak suka atau tidak ada passion melakukan kerja yang aku buat, aku harus menghabiskannya sehingga aku capai criteria aku untuk membuka kedai makanku sendiri. Itulah dia theory yang simple dan mudah sangat difahami yang aku ambil 2 tahun untuk memahami semenjak pulang ke Singapura. 

Bodoh. Mungkin juga tapi jangan salahkan aku Diary. Saudaraku pernah memberikan pendapatnya terhadap aku. Dia bilang, aku ini adalah late bloomer. Ya mungkin juga. A very ambitious and a strong headed woman but very impatient yang selalu lambat sedar tentang keadaan. Diary, aku masih punyai nilai. Aku tahu walau berkali kali aku tersungkur dan terjatuh, aku tahu nilai diriku masih sama dengan manusia lain. Yang membezakan aku sama dia hanyalah seteguh mana iman dan amal kami. Bersabarlah wahai diriku sayang, biarpun lambat perjalanan aku, asalkan aku jangan berhenti sampailah aku di sana nanti. 

Get That Fighting Spirit Back

Dear Diary,

I wonder if you find it hard to breate sometimes because I do. Everytime when that happens, I feel like there is something heavy on my chest making it harder for me to inhale and exhale. I am not sure why but that happens to me always. I can inhale but the inhalation does not seem to suffice. Nevertheless, I am still breathing and I suppose I still have that to be thankful. 

I have been rude to Hello Kitty again and I know it has taken its toll on her so she shot back at me this time. I let it be because I thought I ought to have it. If you ask if I deserved Singapore capital punishment for doing that, I would say yes. Time and again, I find it hard to control my temper and often I snapped at her for the slightest and silliest mistake I thought she did. I feel lousy nowadays losing the spirit to live and to reach for my dreams. Shit happens and I let it got the better of me. 

Occassionally, I would think that I do not deserve any love from another human being given my attitude like that. I do not appreciate the people who love me and always take them for granted. I supposed that is really who I am. I know I have not been good to the people surrounding me and I have no excuses for that. Honestly, I really think I should be alone so I will stop hurting people or make them cry. I have broken too many hearts I have lost count already. I am trying to be a better person, I have tried and I think I tried too hard until I feel so helpless. 

How are you Diary? I hope you are not sick of my stories that are lace with miseries and depression. I am not sure of what is going on with me. Yes, I have felt that I have had enough of these dreams that I have had. It has always been these dreams that keep me going but I am beginning to lose hope and faith. I am starting to weaken on the inside and somehow lose my fighting spirit. I do not even know the answers to simple questions anymore.

I need to find myself back Diary. I need to do it quick. 

Glee - Perfect (Lyrics) HD

I Cannot Cope Anymore...

Dear Diary,

I do not know how to begin. I feel so angry with myself, perhaps a little disappointed. I believe I have made a wrong decision again. Time after time, I have taught myself to get over it and I thought I did but I did not. It is just so difficult for me. I know what I want but I simply do not have the strength to go on. I am so tired most of the times. To be honest, to tell you the degree of disappointments I have to myself, it is like taking a dagger and stabs it into my heart repeatedly. That is how I feel right now.

Perhaps that is not enough, I could do with banging my head onto the wall until I break my skull so that the broken skull would pierce into my brain. I am so angry now and I do not know how to let go. I cannot talk about this frankly to anybody because I know people will just get sick and tired. Who wants to hear sad stories? All everyone is interested in is happy stories. I do not know how many times I have sighed for today and I know it is not a good thing to be doing. I know I am angry but I do not have the channel to let go. 

I have only you. I have been keeping to myself lately. I am too ashamed to let you know. You have been there for me, I know but I have not been likewise. What the fuck am I doing now Diary? I should not have made that fucking decision but I did and now I have myself into trouble. All my life this is what I have been facing. All troubles but nothing. I fucking hate myself now. All the talks and all the efforts, they have just gone to waste. I fucking hate this so much!  I hate everybody and I hate myself. Fuck fuck fuck!

I am so screwed now Diary. I really feel like giving up now. I do not know how to tell you anymore. I do not pray anymore. I am so angry about everything. I know I should not be feeling this way but I cannot help it. I have lost all hope and faith. I am tired, I really am. I am stressed and my brain simply cannot take it anymore. I have tried to do my best and stay optimistic but I failed again. How many failures do I have to have in my life? I can only take so much. 

You will not know Diary. When your desire is stronger than your capability, it can make you insane slowly. I know I used to be the one-woman crusader. I was almost invincible. Nothing can hurt me and I do not regret anything. However, I have lost that spirit. It is the age maybe but I know I do not have it anymore. I wish I could have it back in me so I can shield myself from any disappointments or stress. No one will understand me. Sometimes, it hit me. I know now why did I have had so many girlfriends before. That explains why I have had so many jobs before. When I have it, I never feel contented. All I want is more without being thankful for what I already have. 

I am fucking jobless now for a month and I have not gotten any offers yet. I have sent enough resumes but this time it seems harder to even get an interview appointment. I did not stay long in that dream job of mine because I hated my fucking manager so much. I hated everything about her and how she handled me. Perhaps my ego was too big for me to handle than her. Either way, I knew I would not last a month in that job. Things did not go my way Diary. I have this desire to come back to Subang Jaya but my heart just could not wait. I knew I have to wait and be patient about it but I cannot. I know it is I that I have to deal with. The problems have always been me. I have never been part of the solution instead; I have always been a part of the problems. 

I am so sorry for myself. I tried to talk about this to people, but I know it will defeat the purpose. What can they do Diary? Even Hello Kitty seemed to be too occupied to console me. She made me promise not to change my job when I finally got myself a new job. I am not sure when will that be. It does not look good on my side. I have decided not to talk about it to her anymore. I guess there are some things that I simply have to keep them reserved. 

I wonder what is it about me that makes her stay. Looking back at how I have treated her, everybody would agree that I am not girlfriend material. I am not worth it. I know that and I am assuming she knows that too. There are too many miseries and failures in my life. I have failed school, I have failed in business, I have failed in investments, I have failed in my career and I have failed in so many relationships. I am 35 this year and I do not know where I am going. I have failed my parents, I have failed myself, I have failed so many people who have loved me once and I probably have failed Him. Perhaps I am just born to be a failure. I am beginning to believe that. I am blunt spontaneously sometimes which people can mistake that as rude. Rolly Polly would agree with that. Even Traveller, Manhattan, Pumpkin, Dark Chocolate, Gummy Bear, Hippo, Flying Waitress, Pontianak, Broken Angel, Minah Rempit, BabyDee, Vogue, Little Sister, Infinity, Hello Kitty and perhaps Beautiful would agree too. I am not sure of Flying Babe, I do not know what she thinks of me now. I wish I knew but I do not. But really, it does not matter anymore now does it? It does not make a difference. I am nobody to anybody now. A dreamer will not change just like how a leopard cannot change its spots. 

It saddened me to be talking like this about myself. Believe me Diary, if I could stay stronger I wouldn’t talk like this. I have to admit defeat this time. It was never easy for me to come back here. You know where my heart belongs. You know what my desires are. You know who I love. You know what I want to do. No one, no one knows me best but you. I was forced to come back and what do you expect me to feel Diary? I was not ready to come back, honest to God. It was always there that I want to be. Everybody knows that. I was all alone, even if I had friends, I still had to rely on myself.  I am struggling then and I am still struggling now. I have failed so many times that I am beginning to feel so worthless. It is not easy for me. It has never been easy. Nobody would have understand, even how best I tried to explain. Therefore, it is not really worth the try of telling and explaining.   

I do not know how I feel now but I still know what I want. People may have done their judgements on me or perhaps I have done the judgement on myself but I am still breathing Diary. I am still breathing and deep inside me, I know when I own my breath, nobody can steal my peace. I will learn how to smile once again, breathe with contentment and go slowly. What matters most is I never stop. 

I Miss You

Dear Diary,

I miss you so much and I am sorry for not writing.

I Hope To Cross The Mountain

Dear Diary,

The training was boring and I was uncomfortable there. I felt very different from the previous bank I was with. This bank is more strict and stringent with their rules and regulations. All the other trainees were much younger than I am and somehow I felt left out. I had been warned about this and I absolutely understand. There will be tests and quizzes after every topic covered and we have to score at least eighty percent to pass. We are only allowed to re-sit once and if we fail again, our contracts with the bank might have to be reviewed. 

The other trainees are mostly men and there were only two other woman including myself. The other female trainee is a 20 year old woman who wore like as if she was going to the club. I did not pay much attention to the rest. All I wanted was the training to be over as soon as possible. I cannot wait to go out to the field to make sales and bring home a handsome salary. Jason, who sat beside me, yawned non- stop and I couldn’t help but to chuckle at his natural ways. Diva Devil, the 20 year old woman trainee was given a brief comment by the trainer not to wear such dresses again as it is too revealing. I just sat there and listened while observing the environment.

I am not sure what I feel about this. I have not got myself comfortable yet I guess. I simply want to make money, lots of it and I know I have to ignore other unpleasant distractions that I might have here. I do not have to mind about the working colleagues I will have, it will just be the bank and me. That is all that matters. I miss Hello Kitty as she accompanied me for the interview. Somehow, I miss her familiar face in this new environment. I felt safe when she accompanied me and I wish she would be here but she is not. I assume I have to brave myself for this whole new and totally different atmosphere. Wish me all the good things and pray for my perseverance to be strong as nobody trips over mountains.  It is the small pebble that has been causing me to stumble.  I want to pass all the pebbles in my path and I will find that I have crossed the mountain. 

I Feel It Too...

Dear Diary,

I feel like a kid having to go back to school come tomorrow. It will be my first day of work at a new office, in a new environment with a bunch of young, energetic and money driven colleagues in a new company. I am feeling a mixture of emotions at present. I am scared but I am also excited about this new job. I am not sure if the environment matches my previous company but certainly, it is going to be different. To be honest, I truly felt comfortable in my previous company but the reason why I did not renew my contract was the monetary rewards. If only the monetary rewards are more significant, I would have continued. 

I have gotten everything ready. I have ironed my clothes, my bag is ready and all the documentations I need to bring are in the bag. The shoes are polished and the alarm set. I cannot believe that I am feeling like this all over again. I need to sleep by now but I know my eyes just won’t shut even if I lay myself in the bed. 

I have been chatting with Traveller today. She is my ex girlfriend. I just discovered that she has just lost her sister to cancer. It was pancreatic cancer to be exact. She was 38 when she breathed her last breath in December last year. I was shocked when she told me as I had met her sister many years back and she was quite a looker. She was young, hip and vibrant. I did not know what to say when she broke the news. It was very casual of her and I did not know how to react to the news really but I have to admit that I know how Traveller felt. I have been there and done that and so I know. We understand death for the first time when He puts his hand upon one whom we love. 

It is the same with Hello Kitty’s dad. I knew exactly what she felt and as much as I wanted to make things better for her, I knew she has to face the miseries or having to cope with the loss of her father. It will never be easy. Imagine this Diary, some people resort to suicide after being dumped by their lovers what’s more losing flesh and blood. It cannot be painless to cope. My brother passed on in 2004 and I am still missing him. I can still shed tears reminiscing about how he spent his last few days. Even now, tears are welling up in my eyes talking about this. Nothing can take the sadness away. There will always be streams of sorrows and memories about this event that has ripped the lives out of our loves ones. We can only sit and feel the heavy thud in our hearts and it is going to be something that is grueling to tell. Watching a peaceful death of a human being reminds us of a falling star; one of a million lights in a vast sky that flares up for a brief moment only to disappear into the endless night forever. 

 Traveler has always been nice to me. I left her many years ago and I am still surprised at how she is still able to utter those words to let me know the she still misses me. We know what happened between us and she knows me too well. The FaikaNur I used to be. I feel sorry for her and if I could just spread my wings and fly to her just to give her comforting words, I would. Although we hardly hang out while I was in Kuala Lumpur, Traveller was always there when I needed her. She is a good friend who never once ignored my texts or calls. Even how busy she was, my calls were always answered, my texts were always replied. She would make the time for me if I needed her. That character she has that makes her different than the rest who shamelessly confess love, care and friendship with me. Genuine, that is what she showed me. No need for 24/7 interaction online of offline or constant meeting ups for coffees or teas, just one phone call away and she was there. I somewhat feel her loss too and listening to her stories of how her sister died gave me the chance to make it up to her for all the wrongs that I have done to her.  

My silent prayers go to her and her family and to all the people I have known who have lost someone close. No matter how heartrending it is I pray we all accept that death may be the greatest of all human blessings because we know there is a better place other than earth and the memories we have of the faithful departed is the diary that we all carry about with us.

I Am Living In Reality Now

Dear Diary,

Sleepy. That is what I feel right now but I will not go to bed yet Diary. I want to write to you and tell you my bedtime stories before I call it a night. I just came back from late dinner and I was not so happy with what I had. We were supposed to have fish head curry with the pratas but the waiter only informed us that they were out of fish head curry after they served us with the pratas fifteen minutes later. All of our hopes were crushed and I was dumbfounded, as I had waited for the fish head curry to start my dinner. Dad was cool and I gave him that look. I was wondering how on earth anybody could be cool about it. I could not but I just could not be bothered about everything at that point of time so I let it go.  

How has 2012 been treating you so far? I hope all is good and may you have many blessed days to come for the whole year. My day was fine except that I cannot stop feeling sleepy. I guess I have to teach myself to be discipline once again. After three weeks of holiday, it is time for me to come back to work. I have told you I have gotten a new job haven’t I Diary. I can say that it is a much-awaited job. I will still be in the banking industry doing sales but a different kind of sales than my previous job. I am excited about this new job but at the same time, I am also afraid that I might be doing nothing but work and work and work. 

This job requires a lot of my time and most likely, I might be working 7 days a week. So you see Diary, there will not be plenty of leisure time for me. I figured it would be a good thing for me on the other hand as I can devout my time to work and avoid myself from getting distracted. The interviewer has told me that this is the job with unlimited income. How much I can earn has no ceiling but I have to give up my social life in order to do it. I listened, I heard and I digested what she said. 

I felt thankful for getting this job because I know the minute I left my old job; I have landed myself with this new job. There are no words I could use to describe how I feel. At least I know I will not be short of income. I honestly did not know how I landed myself into this job. During the interview, I was drilled for answers and there were two panels of interviewers. I almost wanted to give up but I knew I could not as since joining the banking industry, this particular bank has been the most talk about bank that offers a very generous commission structure and a base salary. Many have said, oh if you want to earn big money, you must work for this bank. That is all what I have heard of this bank and yes, I am grateful to be given a chance to join its sales force. 

I have shared this news with my mum however; she does not seem to be excited about it. Perhaps I was just the one who is being overly sensitive about things but you know I am a naturally sensitive person. At times, I wish I would have some kind of magic that could make this sensitive nature of mine go away. I know I cannot do that. I have been very careful with people nowadays. I put my feelings as my utmost priority. I stopped putting myself in dreamland and always pinch myself to make me come back to reality. I know what is mine and what is not and I have come to terms with the fact that I cannot make everything or everybody mine. Perhaps I can do that in dreamland but I am aware now that I am not living in one and I shall not make myself a victim to false hopes anymore. It hurts a bit to missing the things that I used to have but I must know where I stand. Whatever I am, there must be some pride in me that makes me different from the rest.

I have not stopped believing but I have stopped allowing myself to be too carried away with fantasies that I know are only one sided. Everytime I think of it, I get so ashamed of myself and most importantly hurt. Shame on me for being too honest and straightforward with my feelings that I have forgotten to protect myself from all the pain and hurt. I have learnt my mistakes Diary and I will not let it happen again. My mother, I am not sure what she feels about me having this job but I know what I want. I hope she blesses me with this new job because I need her blessings desperately so that I always have work for my hands to do, so my pockets hold always a coin or two, so the sun shines bright on my windowpane, so the rainbow be certain to follow each rain, so the hand of a friend always be near me and may Allah fills my heart with gladness to cheer her.

I have hopes in this new job because I know what I have been working on since the day I came back to Singapore has finally showed up shining some lights onto the path that was once dark. Yes, I may still be in phase one of my dreams and I have got myself lost in some fantasy love affairs but this road that I am taking now will someday bring me to my destiny. I have faith Diary, with or without love in realities or fantasies. May the sun shine, all day long, everything go right, and nothing wrong. May those I love bring love back to me, and may all the wishes I wish come true!

I Became A Witness...

Dear Diary,

This is the first entry I am writing for 2012 and I am finding it hard to write. It is probably because I have not written for quite sometime and perhaps I have lost it. I still want to tell you stories like how I have always done but I find it awkward nowadays. Pardon me Diary; I am sure it is not you but me. Many things happened and they are all good.

I became a witness to a near fatal accident in Tuas Checkpoint. A girl fell off from the motorcycle she was pillion riding with her boyfriend. I was going back to Singapore from a day’s out in Johor Bahru and while driving on the bridge linking Singapore and JB, these two motorcycles zoomed past us that caused me to be surprised at the speed they were riding. I could hear the roar of their engines and I knew it then that they were speeding. It was probably at 130 to a 150 kilometer per hour. 

I did not pay much attention to them as I figured that it is just natural for riders of big bikes to speed on a road like that and that was when I saw it. The pillion rider on the first bike fell off and rolled herself on the road. I was stunned and shocked. It was a narrow escape from death for her as there were no other cars behind that could knock her out of her life. 

Hello kitty and I stopped the car by the side and I came out of the car to have a closer look at her. I saw her got up and stumbled clumsily to the road divider and just stood there holding on to the metal railings. I crossed the road to get closer to her. The helmet she was wearing was still intact but the visor broke and I could not see her face. I did not know if she was bleeding from her face but I could see the impact of the fall. The flesh on her left knee was torn off and I could see the bone. Blood was flowing out of the cuts she had from both her badly bruised arms. Her shirt was torn, her body was bruised terribly and there were scars all over her hands, body, legs and feet. Her buttock was exposed because her jeans were ripped off and the flesh on her buttock was gone. Her bone was the only thing I saw and there were bits of flesh hanging by the skin. The toes on her feet showed her bones, they were bleeding and while she was there standing, blood was dripping from every one of her fingers. I was shaken by the sight I felt my hands were shivering. I stood by her side watching her and all I could do at that time was to wait for her boyfriend to come. 

He might not have noticed she fell off as he only stopped about 100 meters away. He and another rider on the other bike came running frantically towards us. I was looking at them but I also made sure I did not lose sight of her as she seems to be weaker and I was afraid that she might just collapsed on the road adding another possibility of being crushed by the fast moving cars that zoomed past us. I did not dare to hold her, as I knew every inch of her body was covered with bruises and a touch would be painful. Her boyfriend was in trauma when he got to us. He was crying and I knew it was a cry of regret. He probably regret for speeding. His friend was in a shock too and I knew it then that I had to intervene as she was losing so much blood from the fall she could slip into unconsciousness anytime. 

I told them we have to bring her to the hospital and I could help to ferry her across the causeway, as she was not fit to ride on a bike anymore. We exchanged phone numbers and I took her passport. They escorted me with their bikes and at that moment, I really felt like the most important person. *grins* hello kitty drove towards the customs clearance lanes and we were let in without having to queue. That strengthens my feeling of being the very important person and it was sure a good thing having to cross the causeway skipping the usual process.

We stopped at the side and many custom officers came to the car to look at the victim. They took my statements as Hello Kitty was too shock to say anything. She has a weakness for blood and with the victim’s condition; there is no need for much explanation of her loss for words. We waited for the ambulance and I can sense that that pain has just sunk in for the victim. She was in a state of pain and nothing else but pain. There was nothing much we can do, as there were no paramedics stationed at the immigration building. Blood stained the car seat and the officers advised us to get it washed and sterilized soon after we are able to leave.

The ambulance came about 15 minutes later and when they came, there was this commotion as the paramedics needed to know what happened. Her boyfriend seemed like he was in a worst condition than the victim herself so I was the one who had to explain. I became this storyteller out of a sudden and I felt good doing it. *grins* Her boyfriend really looked like one piece of human slouching against the wall sitting down with his face buried in his hands who seemed to have just received a death sentence. 

The victim was taken to the hospital and we were allowed to leave. I felt somewhat proud of Hello kitty as she was the one who wanted to help badly. I hesitated a bit initially as I knew what we would be getting ourselves into if we rendered help and the process can be tedious. I did not want to go through the process but at that point of time, I figured that we needed to help as there were no one else that stopped. I guess we needed to act as if what we do makes a difference.  It does and in about the same degree as we are helpful, we will be happy.

With this new year, I got myself a new job after the incident. I may not have the chance to open up my own business yet here, but I know this job promises me something more than my previous job. The road to success is always under construction and I know I am in the queue to be successful and to bring my fantasies to reality. It is just a matter of time. I am still in phase one Diary, but this time it is better. I am thankful and blessed. Let’s celebrate Diary….Happy New Year.