The Day When The Giraffe Made an Outburst

Dear Diary,

My day has been fine except for a shock I had while scanning the items. Remember Giraffe I told you about? She works near my scanning station and she made an outburst just now which shocked and puzzled everyone else especially Mouse deer and I. Giraffe was teaching a new staff to scan and apparently, this Tortoise is slow in learning and he does not pay attention during the on the job training. Giraffe is a naturally impatient person (I thought I am impatient but wait until you meet Giraffe).

Tortoise is learning how to scan for three days continuously and unwillingly, Giraffe is his trainer. After the many mistakes and lack of interest Tortoise shows Giraffe, she could not handle it anymore and yelled at Tortoise at the top of her lungs. I was stunned. I did not turn around to look because I do not want to create any attention. I continued with my scanning and gave Mouse deer an eye signal not to look. It was unexpected. I told you how the people in the warehouse behave. They are so much bolder and loud than the colleagues I had in the banks I worked. I supposed I have so much adjusting to do.

After the team leader took over the situation, I spoke a few words of empathy to Tortoise. He seemed to handle it well. He seemed unaffected and I thought it was cool. It is probably because he is a man I supposed. I started to imagine if I were in his shoes, what I would do. I probably will stay quiet and merely apologies for the mistakes but I will never respect Giraffe as a good trainer perhaps. I have been working there for a full two weeks now and all I can say about her is she practices favouritism.

She chooses people she wants to be close. She practices double standard. She becomes nasty with people she does not favour, to name a few; Mouse deer, Blurry and the latest 1 to the addition is Tortoise. I see through her and I definitely do not want to get too comfortable with her. She is friendly and nice to me but I know it is merely because I portray myself as someone independent. I am quick to learn and I do my job carefully trying to make as little or zero mistakes.

I always work together with Mouse deer and she seems comfortable with me. I am the scanner and she is the packer. I have never lost my patience with her neither has my temper tick while working with her. Mouse deer’s personality may be as straight as a perfect ruler may and she may come from a special education school but she has good work ethics and that is something I respect about her. Just about today, I found out that her grandfather passed away last night and yet she is present at work today. When I asked why she did not take the day off, she told me it would be a waste, as she would lose a day's salary, which resulted in less salary. I supposed she has this typical Chinese attitude about work and money. I used to have that kind of mentality when I was in the bank. One day of absence affects my total volume of sales and I swear to God I had a full perfect attendance throughout my contract.

When I had my business in Kuala Lumpur, my attendance was perfect too for the first six months of running the business. In one of the books, I read business owners should go to the field and learn as much about their business as possible rather than leaving it to the staffs to run it. Start the business from scratch and participate in everything about the business at the early stage and as the business progresses, keep participating.

Mouse deer has begun to open up to me. She is chattier with me now and I think she has gotten comfortable with me. We work well together even the team leader agrees and occasionally Giraffe would come to our station and tried to intimidate her just for the fun of it. I guess Giraffe merely wants to be playful but deep down inside I disrespect her for that. She seems to be bullying and picking the weaker staffs and I do not like it. Why can't she just leave them alone? Giraffe tries a couple of times to ask me to join her for lunch but I politely decline.

The Manager has offered me a full time position in the warehouse last week. I asked him for a week to think about it. I appreciate it but I am not interested. It is the monetary rewards. The full timers here work five days a week from eight to six in the afternoon. However, they have to commit to overtime everyday of the week and that includes Saturdays. They bring home two or three hundreds more than a thousand dollars net. To compare that with what I earn in the banks, it is just a fraction. I like the job because it is stress free. I can adapt to the atmosphere but I certainly cannot settle with that kind of money.

I am in a tight spot. With the news recently, I know I am certainly in need of a full time job but I need to save for the stall. I have to do it myself and I have stopped myself from hoping to get the loan approved. It is taxing and it has caused me a lot of disappointments and perhaps some misunderstandings. I do not know how to explain to you. All these while, I have been hoping and waiting. It is not easy, as I have to be dependent on people. I cannot do it on my own so I feel helpless to a certain extend. I do not have the papers under my name. It is on somebody else's name and that makes it even more difficult for me to be aggressive in the loan applications. I have decided to try to make it happen my way and that means I have to wait again and longer this time.

I can always go back to the bank but I know I cannot handle the stress. I am so, so worn out that I want to call it quit. However, it is just my mind playing with my heart. I want to be by myself for some time now. Take care Diary. *hugs*

I Still Have Something To Be Proud Of

Dear Diary,

Work is good today. Since I have been working here, I have notice that I have not been stressed over anything. I take things as they are and I live on a day to day basis. I take things at a time and I do not get work up over things at work because there is nothing that I have to worry about at work. It sure feels like a teenager again during my school vacation where I worked part time. The money is not a big deal. I can hardly survive but I have enough to pay my bills and my car. I cannot live luxuriously. Working like this makes me watch how I spend my money as I do not have the liberty to spend unnecessarily anymore. 

Mom and I are still not talking and that makes it feel awkward to be at home. I try to stay late at work for as much as I could everyday but ironically I can't. Time and again I try to be patient with things at home especially with mom. I know she is watching and observing me. I guess she somewhat knows that I have quit from the bank and have landed myself in some odd job because of how I wear to work nowadays. I do not give a damn anymore. I am tired of having people to tell me what and who I am. I am also sick of people reminding me of all my failures. It is okay Diary. I have lived with my failures for 35 years and I am still hanging on. I know some people will only judge you based on your failures alone. Frankly, I do not give a fuck anymore. 

I have given up trying to impress and please mom. I do not try hard anymore because I know I do not have to. I have been reading lots of books, mostly business books on successful business people around the world. The owner of starbucks Howard Schultz had to try 225 times convincing people to invest in his ideas of a chained coffee shop. He never gave up until he became successful. I do not know how long do I have to try. I guess I will keep on trying until I die. Yes, it is not easy and I am simply reading those books to keep motivating myself. 

I am not sure when do I get to make my parents proud of me but I guess I have to stop myself from trying because the more I try the more I struggle. The television in my room is finally broken and that leaves me with only my ipad and books to keep me entertained. I have to buy a new television but money does not come easy anymore. I can wait but it sure can be bored without the television. 

Hello Kitty and I have discussed about what we are going to do if our loan application get rejected again. We came up with Plan B and that makes me drift away a little from my dreams. I am a little angry at things but I do not know how to express myself not even in writing. There are so many regrets that I have in myself. I have made many wrong decisions. I could have easily started my business here if only I had known what I wanted to do when I came back here but I overlooked myself. 

I watched The Pursuit of Happyness on youtube the other night and it kept me awake until one in the morning. Chris Gardner is a millionaire now. Looking at his journey, he is surely one hell of a survivor. I do not have his sheer desire to succeed but I know I am unemployable nowadays because all I want now is to be my own boss. I cannot stay put in one job. I cannot be contented with the kind of job I have. I cannot keep my job. Period. 

Diary, at times I wonder if Hello Kitty would give up on me. She seems to be living the perfect life now. She has a job that she can make a career out of it. She is paid handsomely and her bosses acknowledge her work. I am happy for her while I look at myself in the mirror and all I can afford to do is grin. Well, I know deep down inside her she is studying me but she is so careful with her words and attitude with me that I hardly notice it. But how long can a person be careful with things? You can say wrong things in a conversation and one thing can lead to another. But then again misunderstanding can happen and it takes an explanation to make you understand. 

Just about two days ago we were talking about people in our lives and I cannot help but to compare myself with them. I have always thought that I have nothing but to compare myself with them, at least I can say I am better off than them. I am in between jobs let alone a career. How much I got, whenever I can I try to share it with my parents and I guess that makes what I earn blessed. Someone told me before that it is not important of what I make, it is the leftovers that matter and what I do with the leftovers. 

I may not have a career or a business yet and I do not earn a four figure salary anymore nowadays but I can still keep my car and share that little piece of wealth I have with my family no matter what they think of me and how much failures I have in my little black book. I am going to make it there. I know I will and I must make it there. I promise you.

My Bad Cold Sunday

Dear Diary,

It is a Sunday and ironically, I have to be up by six to send mom to work. She is in the morning shift. I scrambled out of bed when I heard knocks on my door. I had a quick shower and got ready as fast as I could, as I knew mom would not like to be late for work. She is like that and everybody knows that. If you are late fetching or sending her, she could give you a sermon about that and at that point of time I sure feel like shoving up a cucumber into her mouth for that matter. It annoys me as I find her too much at times. She can never compromise on anything and that makes me even more disengage from her.   I guess I have somewhat got exhausted of her personalities. 

Dad and I went to Johor Bahru after that. We had breakfast there and did what other Singaporeans do when they are in JB; we pumped petrol into the car. Dad brought me to this car wash and I immediately fell in love with its concept. Nothing very outrageous about this carwash but it has facilities that could attract many customers. It has a café where patrons can sit for coffee or tea and even for light meals. The café serves drinks as well as food. It has wireless internet service and it has a small provision shop inside the café. I like the carwash and I knew, this would be the kind of carwash I would run if I have the opportunity to open one in Kuala Lumpur

We came home at half past ten and I took a nap. I was dead beat and I kind of got unhappy that I couldn’t spend my weekend being lazy at home. Somewhere deep inside I knew I would snap at anything soon. I woke up at noon and started to do my laundry. I needed to wash my socks. You know Diary, I have to wear safety boots at work and I need many pairs of socks. Some of them in the warehouse do not change their socks and everytime they change their shoes, the unpleasant smell of smelly feet and socks invades the air. That smell reminds me of my schooling days. I try to change my socks everyday because I know I would be just like one of them who have smelly feet if I do not. 

The thing about working in the warehouse, people are rowdy and rough. Eventually, you have to be one too to survive. I start work at eight and I have noticed the difference in the crowds. Most of them are blue collar workers. They rush for the train like there is no tomorrow. They talk loudly on the trains to each other. It is different working in the banks. The crowds are civilised a little and I speak good English with them. In the warehouse, I speak a mixture of broken English and street Malay. They are mostly Malaysians so they can speak Malay, which I always find a good thing. 

I fetched mom at half past two in the afternoon and then we went for lunch. I thought I could head straight back home after lunch but no, my parents wanted to go to the beach. They did not want to go home. This is my parents. They like to go places and I swear it can be demanding at times because they may be financially independent but they are dependent when they want to go places. There is a feeling of regret I have in me. I thought mom would be independent once she would have her license but no. It is just the same. I brought them to Sembawang Beach and we sat there for a while. I bought ice cream for them and we walked to the beach.   

The beach was undergoing some upgrading works and many parts of the beach were blocked thus there were not many places to hang out. We finally settled at one part of the beach. Mom brought her novels and she did her reading. Dad sat and admired the beach while I sat dreaming of becoming my own boss. There were a couple of stray cats. They might have survived from the leftover of food from the nearby restaurants I thought. The cats look clean even though thay are stray. We spent about an hour and a half at the beach and then went home. 

While at home, I was preparing myself to fetch my brother from the bus terminal. I was already feeling a little unhappy about my weekend. To make things worst mom knocked on my door. I opened the door and she asked what time do I want to leave to fetch brother. Do you remember Diary in the earlier part of this entry I told you that I might snap at little silly things soon, yes, that was it. I was upset as I have to spend my weekend like any other working days waking up early from bed. I have to fetch this person, and then send that person and then fetch that person again and send that person againand as if those were not enough, I have to go here and there because other people want to go to places. I was angry. I was like a bull waiting to charge at anybody who come in my way. 

When mom asked me that, I answered her firmly. There was a strong resentment in my voice and she told me off immediately telling me that she still rules the house and holds the crown of the fiercest woman in the house. I threw my ipad on my bed to show her my dissatisfaction. Since then, she and I are not talking to each other. So there goes my weekend.

The Brother Whose Priority Is His Hobbies

Dear diary,


I woke up at six today, took my shower and sent my brother to the bus terminal. He is going to Port Dickson for a triathlon race. In case I have not told you, my brother is an avid triathlete now. He has been running, swimming and cycling since two years ago. He has not got sick of it instead I have. Since his involvement in the sports he has been coming home late and spending most of his free time with that. He showed very little interest with what is going on at home. During the midst of moving to our new home, he simply did not care about packing the stuffs. I had to do it most of the time. At that time, I just came back from my four years stay in Kuala Lumpur and had not really decided what to do next. Time was definitely on my side and he took it for granted.


I kinda got upset with everything. He totally left almost everything to me. I had to find the movers, I had to find the buyers, I had to find the new home, I had to pack, I had to think of solutions to get cash for the upfront payment of the new home and I had to unpack once we have moved in. As if those are not enough, I had to organise the stuffs at the new home. Of course mom and dad helped me with some other matters but really Diary, they are old and I am the youngest among them. I am supposed to be the energetic one.


The carrying, loading and unpacking of the boxes were mostly done by me. I was totally exhausted and I honestly think that I have drained almost all of my energy including the reserved ones. I got sick for a week. I came down with fever, cough, flu and sore throat. All four in one and I got three days medical leave. I was angry but I kept the anger to myself. Unlike the old house, this new house solely belongs to my brother and I am living in the new house out of his goodwill. Otherwise, I really have nowhere to live. Now you know how desperate I am to start my own business so I can financially stabilised myself here. I must Diary because anything can happen in the future. I had it planned but I have not got the opportunity to execute it.


My brother is not a bad person. He is a brother with brain and compassion but he can be oblivious to his surroundings. I have seen the difference in him since his engagement in the sports; he prioritise his hobbies more and that is very upsetting. Mom often reminded him and voices out her dissatisfaction to me, but I chose to simply listen to her. I did not want to add fuel to the fire because I know, she would be more than willing to take to heart my bad attitude than my brother's. I had given up being vocal about things at home. I take a different approach nowadays. I prefer to remain silent and keep things to myself. Perhaps I simply have had enough of giving in or maybe I am just feeling like that without any basis because I know how sensitive I can be.


I still hope that I can achieve my dreams someday somehow. No matter how long it takes, I know I will if there is still hope in my heart or just a glimpse of hope. I do not know for sure when it will finally materialised but the hope that I have shall aid me through the days I have left to live.

What I have Become

Dear diary,

I went to Mustafa Centre with my family tonight. Mum text me and said she is not cooking. I knew we were going out for dinner and I knew it would be more than just dinner. We had curry fish head and I had an onion and egg prata. Dad and mom had nasi beriyani each. I did not want to have rice, as it was somewhat late. Dinner was good and after that, we headed straight to Mustafa Centre. Mom wanted to do grocery shopping and I wanted to tell her how much I hate to do grocery shopping there. I would only go to Mustafa Centre if I want to buy electronic, perfumes or watches but never would I go there on my own to buy groceries. The place is simply crowded not with locals but with foreigners, mostly Indians from India. It is a big place and it has extended its wings. Mustafa centre has everything from kitchen utensils to gold bracelet and rings. You name it you got it. 

The grocery department of Mustafa Centre is where irritates me the most. People walk with trolleys and baskets and believe me it can drive you up the walls. The aisles are narrow and there are just so many things in that place. At every corner, you can find things put on display. The width of the aisle is only about 1.5 meters some aisle are even smaller. Therefore, you can imagine what it is like to walk with your trolleys or baskets into a crowd in that place. I do not understand why mom likes to do her grocery shopping there so much. It is simply madness and time wasting. 

It is difficult to browse for your groceries because when you do so, you might be hogging or holding up the crowd. You have to have lots of patience in that place and not to mention plenty of free time. You cannot be in a hurry or a rush otherwise you will become late simply trying to shop. The cashiers are at an ungodly section of every floor. If you are so used to the other hypermarkets like Giant, Carrefour, Tesco, Cold Storage and Jusco, you will find that Mustafa Centre is so disorganised, messy and disoriented. It is like there was not any proper planning for everything. It is no wonder why it was forced to close for a period of time as it has been found by the authorities that it did not meet the standard safety criteria. One of it was the emergency exits are mostly blocked. The situations improved after that and people simply keep coming back as they find shopping there is perhaps exciting and fun. I find it like that too but not at the grocery sections of that place.

Mom did the finding of stuffs while I stood at a corner to wait for her with the trolley. I got tired of standing and I began to lose my patience with my surroundings especially mom. There I was involuntarily wasting my time accompanying my mom at the most inconvenient supermarket. I was sleepy and tired from the day’s work. I had been standing all day and I felt stupid having to stand like that when I could be sleeping in my bed or I could be writing to you at the comfort of my home. 

Just when my temper is building up, mom came and we paid for the groceries. I was tired but I did not show mom any signs of it. I knew she has her reasons for doing it. I simply have to tolerate but I do not have a high tolerance level. Mom knows that. I take after her a lot so she should know. She must know because we have practically been living under the same roof for 35 years. 

She probably knows I have all her traits. I am the younger version of her. She passed down her fiery and hostile temper. She blessed me with her sense of impatience. She completes me with her stubbornness. I grew up watching her. I am she. Many times Hello Kitty has reminded me of that and I quietly resent it. I do not like that, as I know how unpleasant it can be to watch my mom lose her temper at trivial silly things that is not even worth that temper. I felt sickened to know that I am slowly becoming her. 

I Am A Kind Scanner

Dear Diary,

Work is good today and I am getting along fine with the surroundings and atmosphere. I was given a bigger responsibility but I think I can handle it. The responsibility is to be a scanner for the products to be packed away for deliveries. I have to make sure that every item to be delivered is scanned correctly into the system and the correct boxes are used. 

It looks difficult on the surface but it is easy once you get the hang of it. I was partnered with Mouse deer and it was good until a senior staff snapped at her for asking questions too many times. I felt sorry for her because I knew she only wanted to be sure, of what she was supposed to do. You see Diary; Mouse deer is from a special school. Now when I say special it means, she is from a school of the less 'smart' children. Her IQ level is below the standard most people have. Thus, she has difficulty understanding instructions unless you explain those instructions to her as if she is a five year old. 

I am new to scanning therefore; I need a packer who knows what kind of boxes for each product. Mouse deer could not help me with that although she has been a packer for a month. Because of that, a senior staff snapped at her for asking questions she was supposed to know the answers. I pretended not to hear anything when it happened but really, Diary, I felt sorry for her. I guess she was merely a victim of an impatient staff who expects her to be a fast learner. Perhaps that staff should have put herself in Mouse deer’s shoes before setting her expectations. 

I tried to be helpful to Mouse deer but I can only do so much as I am still very new to the job. I supposed however hot tempered I am, there is still some sense of patience in me. I tried to talk to Mouse deer not to take the incident to heart. I told her that it will happen anywhere and to simply take it easy. She understood me but I can see that she was afraid of that staff. Well Diary, to someone timid like Mouse deer, anything can be scary. She does not know how to talk back and all she does is to apologies repeatedly which can be quite annoying at times. I perfectly understand the situation. 

Anyway, how are you Diary? I have missed you and I want to talk some more but I am sleepy and tired. I am writing to tell you that you have not been forgotten and I have always thought about you when I am alone. You have been my diary and you will always be regardless how often I write to you. I love you Diary, please take care.

I Am A Labourer Now

Dear Diary,

The job hunting has stopped. I have gotten myself a temporary job that pays peanut but I am happy doing it. It is cheap labour but as long as it keeps me happy coming to work, I shall stay to complete the contract. I did not need to go for any interviews for this job. I just needed to agree to work as a hard labourer and the job is mine. It is a three months contract and yes, this is a holiday job. Work starts at eight in the morning and ends at whenever.

The people in the new workplace are friendly. There are many temporary staffs as well and most of them are way much younger than I am. I did not feel uncomfortable though because the environment here is simply simple. I come to work and wait for instructions. I do as per instructed and then I go home. When I got home, I do not need to think about work neither do I have to dream about work. It is a carefree holiday job that does not give me any pressure at all.

I wear jeans, t-shirt and sneakers to work. Ocassionally I would wear slippers. I do not join the crowd with proper office wear anymore instead I join the blue collar crowd nowadays. It is the nature of my new job that makes me relax I guess. I do not need to iron my office wear clothes anymore instead I grab any of my old scruffy levis jeans and any t-shirt to go along with it. If I am too lazy to wear my sneakers, I would just slip onto my slippers. I do not do my hair neither do I put on some make up to work because I will get sweaty and dirty therefore there is absolutely no need to look pretty.

On my first day, I was taught how to fold some of the boxes used to pack the products. On my second day, I was taught how to pack the products into the boxes and on my third day, I was taught how to scan the products before packing them into the boxes. It is a fun job suitable for people like me. I have gotten sick of having a desk bound job. I have got fed up with a job in the air conditioned office that promise me nothing but unhappiness. I am tired of the rat race Diary and I ended myself in a warehouse. *grins* Now what do you have to say to that?

The warehouse is not an air conditioned warehouse but there are many wall fans that can blow your wig off your head if you are wearing one. It is a good thing that I wear my hair short. It can be very irritating having such powerfull fans blowing your hair all over your head while you are trying to get some work done. I am attached to Giraffe. She is a mother of three and is a full time permanent staff of that logistic company. She has a very playful character which makes me feel comfortable working with her. I have fun at work.

At times, I chuckle to myself watching Giraffe works because she has this funny characteristic that only makes you want to be playful with her. Everybody thought I was Chinese on my first day. I even had people talking to me in Mandarin. It was the usual stuffs for me. I knew I had it coming. I have been getting a lot of that since I was young. Anyway, I like this job because I do not have to write any report neither do I have to achieve any sales target. It is just me and the boxes. There are a couple of things that I have to learn but it is not as difficult as doing sales for banks.

The job is very physical demanding less of my brain power. It is a simple job that gives me some peace before I decide what do I do with my life. We are still submitting the loans application. I had been hopeful and I am still hopeful that at least one or two out of the many applications we will be sending are successful. There is still a silent strong desire in me to be my own boss, once again.

Few Little Stories

Hello Diary,

I am good today. I felt rejuvenated and calm. I had two appointments today in the morning and that helped to kill the time in the morning. I finished at 1130, had my lunch in town and I went straight home. Life was easy today since I did not have to idle much outside. The house was empty when I got home. Mother is working in the afternoon shift and that really suit my schedule. You see...I had resigned from that job, remember the most boring job ever?  I could not take it anymore. That job was full of nonsense. I just did not feel I belong there. 

I tendered on June 1 and Mr. Tortoise let me go immediately. I was not a confirmed staff so he could give me an early release. I took his offer without having second thoughts and now, I am just back, to what I am good. I have decided I do not want any permanent job. Therefore, I am on the lookout for any temporary job and most likely, I will know my place tomorrow. I guess I just have to wait. Both the interviews today went well. Not much of dramas or lying as I answered them accordingly. 

The loan is still pending. We need to wait for another one or two more months before we can make a fresh application. I am waiting and I think Hello Kitty is waiting too, patiently. I suppose she is the most patient of the two of us. I am not complaining I am simply doing what I have to do waiting. I have taught myself to be relaxed. I guess being out of that boring job did me some good, as I no longer feel pressured to achieve anything. There are many things about that job that makes it so lame. It is simply not worth talking about.

I am in my last year of being a youth Diary. In addition, I am still trying to decide what I want to do as a career. I may still look like a lost child but I know what I want, it is just that time is not on my side yet. I have told myself many times about that. I bought myself a new phone. Well, I did not exactly buy one. I renewed my contract for another two years with the telephone operator I am with and I have to choose between iPhone 4 and Samsung S2 free. At first, I opted for iPhone but the colour I had wanted was out of stock and the salesgirl suggested Samsung S2 to me. She said it is more user friendly than iPhone and many of her colleagues had switched from iPhone to S2. I took her advice and I never looked back since. 

On the first night of using S2, I was somewhat awkward. Everything seemed different and I have not understood what was so great about this android phone. It has claimed many praises and some reviewers even said that it could be the best phone on earth. Well, I gave myself 3 days and I could not agree more with them. This android phone is simply amazing and it has more features than an iPhone. I can do more with it. It is interactive and it really lives by its name smart phone, while iPhone is simply an iPhone. Oh well, enough said Diary. This phone is a birthday gift to me and I love every bit of it.

I surrendered myself to Allah this evening. After shower, I took my wudhu and prayed. It has been a long time. I do not want to get too lost Diary. I know somehow I have to get back to Him. I have been reading a lot of motivational stories and quotes. I suppose I have something that I can still be proud of, determination. It is okay that even at this age, I am still struggling to make a living but that is only because I am too stubborn to submit myself to being an employee permanently. I want to be my own boss. I do not want to have people bossing me around. How long will I take to be there? Well, beats me but I had been one before and I am sure I can do it again, can't I?

Sedikit Dari Apa Aku Rasa

Hello Diary, 

Apa khabar kau di sana? Sudah terasa lama sekali aku tidak menulis. Jadual harian tidaklah begitu sibuk tapi masih tidak ada masa untuk menulis. Hari hari yang aku lalui seperti biasa. Hanya menunggu masa for that something to happen. Sementara menunggu, aku masih lagi mengharap dengan penuh yakin bahawa suatu hari akan terjadi juga perkara yang sangat aku ingini sekali. Pernah aku terasa seperti mahu menyerah kalah tetapi sebagai manusia, masih ada sedikit perasaan untuk tidak berputus asa. Lumrah hidup...bila gagal atau lama sangat menunggu, pasti akan terasa seperti putus harapan atau hilang segala semangat yang ada.  

 Aku masih berusaha walaupun usaha aku tidaklah begitu effective tapi hanya itu yang mampu aku lakukan. Kadang kala, teringin sekali meminta dari ibu bapaku tetapi siapalah diri ini. Aku tidak pernah membanggakan mereka apatah lagi menyenangkan mereka. Sudah tak terkira berapa kali kegagalan aku. Buat itu tak menjadi buat ini tak menjadi. Apa sahaja yang boleh aku buat yang akan menjadi. Kalau diukur kajayaan aku...mungkin hanya seberapa baris sahaja di muka surat pertama. Tidak perlu muka surat kedua untuk mencatit kejayaan aku.  Tetapi...despite all that, aku tahu aku masih ada cita cita, harapan, semangat dan mungkin juga segelintir teman teman yang percaya aku akan sampai juga di destinasi aku. 

Ya Tuhan...sungguh tidak senang untuk diri aku mengharungi jalan ini. Mungkin senang pada yang lain tapi bukan untuk aku sebab aku adalah seorang dreamer yang mudah hilang focus. Aku tahu apakah yang ada di dada aku tapi aku hanya manusia yang perlukan sokongan moral. Ini bukan self pity tetapi hanya kenyataan yang jujur.  Sudah berapa hari aku menghabiskan masa membaca tentang fakta fakta untuk project aku. Ada juga aku berkongsi dengan ibuku tetapi hanya kritikan demi kritikan yang dilemparkan kepadaku. Aku hanya berdiam seribu bahasa dan pada masa itu juga aku tahu, walau macam mana susah atau lambat pun aku mesti berdiri di atas kaki sendiri. Aku tidak marah, cuma terkilan tetapi siapa yang punya angkara kalau bukan diri aku sendiri? Kegagalan aku lebih banyak dari kejayaan aku, jadi janganlah berkecil hati jikalau dilayan sebegitu oleh seorang insan yang paling aku harapkan untuk memberi sokongan moral kepadaku.  

Diary, di dalam hati aku ada seperti satu perasaan yang sudah sekian lama aku pendamkan. Perasaan itu seperti melonjak lonjak tidak sabar untuk break free, kau paham maksud aku? Tapi masih belum boleh aku lepaskan perasaan itu. Banyak sekali perkara perkara yang membuat aku memendam perasaan aku dengan keluarga aku. Ia bukanlah dendam tapi satu perasaan yang susah untuk aku luahkan. Mungkin boleh, tapi mungkin juga itu hanya perasaan aku sendiri. Engkau pun tahu betapa sensitive hati aku ini. Mungkin juga perasaan yang aku ada hanyalah mainan hati dan emosi.

 Diary...ketahuilah engkau, aku menulis bukan untuk meminta atau menagih simpati. Ini hanya sedikit luahan yang perlu aku keluarkan daripada berbuku di dalam hati. Semua orang tahu kalau perasaan yang tidak sihat dibiarkan membesar di dalam hati, ia boleh menjadi suatu penyakit. Tidak pernah aku meminta mereka percaya kepadaku tetapi jauh di sudut hati, ingin sekali aku mendengar kata kata perangsang untuk aku membekalkan diri meneruskan perjalanan ini kerana aku tahu aku perlukan itu untuk membakar sedikit semangat yang telah tinggal di dalam diri ini. Semoga aku tabah, jiwa aku kuat dan minda aku sihat apabila sampai di sana kelak.

I Will Give Up If It Is Time

Dear Diary,

I am writing to you to let you know that I am on a verge of giving up. I have become so tired of things. My mood is not so good today and I know I need a break from things. Nothing that I had planned had worked out except to job hop. Come to think of it I really do not know what has gotten into me. It is not about love anymore. It has become so complex that I can never imagine. I am not sure if I still know what love is all about. 

Trust is life. I have heard that somewhere in a movie. Yeah, it was in Goodwill Hunting. The main ingredient to a successful relationship is trust. I suppose I have gotten sick and tired of attempting to be trustworthy in a relationship. I have become worn out of making an effort and explaining. There is a big ball of anger in my heart right now that I believe will explode anytime soon. I feel like shouting out so loud that even God cannot hear. I feel like smashing hundreds of watermelon with a baseball bat. I have never done it but I know doing it, will make me feel delightful. It gives me a good sense of satisfaction and a steady outflow of all the anger I have inside me. Watching the watermelon smashed into pieces that are just impossible to put back together will help to put my anger at ease.  

Diary, one thing I have learnt from everything I have gone through is to stop having hope. I hope everyday for my dreams to come true. Everybody said it was not easy but nobody said that it was going to be this difficult either. When someone gives you hope you start to wonder and ponder. Everything you do revolves around that glimpse of hope you have and you start to question yourself. I do not want to be indebted but at the same time, I want it so bad. I do not want to be misunderstood but I have become so tired of making it happen on my own. I have lost Diary. I know I have a choice.

I know I am not girlfriend material. I do not live in a cave where having friends and acquaintances are remotely impossible. I have my needs and I have my desires but I am only human that can only take so much of nonsense. Who is the bad guy here Diary? It has always been me. People judge me before they even knew me. It is sad, I know. It has got to a point where nothing really matters anymore, not even my dreams. At the end of the day, I believe it all boils down to myself. I have a choice to put a stop to this. What is love if you keep feeling lousy about yourself thinking about it? 

I have noticed that people pay too much attention to other people's fault that they overlook their own. They talk too much about themselves that in the end will only contradict themselves. I supposed we simply have to take a good look in the mirror and then we will know. It does not take a genius to figure that one. All the assumptions, we know that they are termites of relationships. However much we know it, we still assume very easily. And that is the saddest part of all because in jealousy there is more self-love than love and assumption is the great exaggerator.

Happy Mother's Day Emak

Thank you mother for giving me life, granting me the opportunity to breathe air, to learn how to walk and run again after the many falls, to experience sadness and happiness, to watch the sun rises and sets, to feel the rain on my skin and to celebrate love for all mankind...these simplest things I cannot repay, the gratitude I cannot express but you know this gratitude I have is the memory of our hearts, an art of of painting an adversity into a lovely picture...Happy Mother's Day Emak...

The Real Truth

Dear Diary,

It has been awkward for me. I have never felt this way before. Work has been such a bore to me nowadays. The environment here is so different from what I am used to and honestly, I have never expected it to be this way. I have become so lazy to the extent that I do not care anymore about my sales targets. I see no purpose in trying to be a good salesperson here. The monetary rewards is not impressive and most significantly, I have lost interest with anything relevant to this job. It is just unbelievable how they do things here. I am fed up with the redundant workflow systems and I am especially tired of being there.

I am turned off right on the very first day of work. I have said it before and I am going to say it again, this is by far the worst bank I have ever worked. Mr.T, my team leader is one hell of an egotistical man. He annoys me with his silly remarks about general issues making he look stupid and childlike. The department is unofficially divided into different groups. We are separated by our race by nature of its environment. There are many Chinese than any other races and the Chinese there are the type of Chinese who simply hang with their own race, so it seems. I may be wrong but this is what I feel and see. There is no racial integration and that makes me feel so awkward and uncomfortable. It is simply weird to be working in an environment like this.

It is different Diary. I cannot cope with the environment and I cannot comprehend the workflow. I do not know how long I can last there. The group of colleagues I am hanging with is the ones who have worked there for less than a year. They are the friendlier ones and there is a good balance of integration with this group of people. We have Indians, Malay, Chinese and Sikh. This is how it is supposed to be I guess. They are the ones that make me feel comfortable. I would not last a day without them, this I know for sure. I just come to work daily without any goals. For all I know, I have to be at work just so I could earn a living and fill up my time while waiting for my dreams to come true. Life is not easy nowadays Diary. Everytime I am halfway up, I am always halfway down.

I should have stayed in my previous job. Ermm...well never mind. I guess I must focus on the next thing to do. I could have asked from my parents but I am too ashamed now. If only I have not disappointed them too many times in my life, I would not be ashamed to ask from them. Perhaps, I should just be bold and ask from them but I know I cannot.

The loan application still needs a little more time to be finalised. So what else can I do except to wait? I have stopped myself from becoming too hopeful on it and to prepare for any bad news. I have become somewhat spiritless and mostly I mind my own things becoming oblivious to the surroundings. I am a walking ghost Diary. I wake up every morning to go to work that I never have a passion for. I go home to have my dinner, spend my time watching the television and I go to sleep whenever I decided to. Sometimes, I looked back at what went wrong and I supposed I have to stop feeling sorry about the mistakes I have made. Oh well Diary...life is indeed a roller coaster.

I am not enjoying my job but I am enjoying the company I have in my job. I am seated right next to a man who talks nonstop but I would say rather knowledgeable. He is a well-read person and he knows practically almost about anything and everything. I supposed that is why he talks nonstop. It can be very taxing to chat with him but I find him amusing sometimes. He is someone I would take as my entertainment in the office. He never fails to have topics for conversations and he is a man of his own. He goes lunch alone and he does not mind being alone without any friends. I guess he talks too much most of the times and this make people become uncomfortable with him.

I am still planning to have my own food stall Diary. I think I will someday, it is just a matter of time. I have to go now. Good night Diary.