Keep Calm And Say Astaghfirullah

Dear Diary,

How are you? I wish you well there, wherever you are. I had a lot to say to you before I began writing but it seems that I am having a mental block now and I am unsure if I can continue writing. Oh well perhaps we can talk about my work ya? 

I have gotten my own permanent desk in the office. I have set up my pc and it is ready to use. I have not organised my stationaries and documents yet. A part of me feels excited but another part of me feels scared. Taking over the desk from my predecessor also means that I am holding 3 accounts officially and that scares me. Why does it scare me? She has moved to a new office downstairs and that means she is nowhere near me if I need to ask her questions about the account I took over from her. I hate it.

I hate the arrangements that were made. I hate the on the job training I had. I hate how things are done so quickly without even consulting me if I would be comfortable about it. That is the thing. I wish my manager takes notice that I still need guidance to serve all these 3 accounts. I can always talk to my superior about this but I had done it before and things were better a little but after awhile, things go back to the usual. I cannot be talking to her frequently about my problems as I certainly do not wish to be seen as someone who likes to complain and making excuses.

I want to keep this job but I hate it when I always have mixed feelings about it. Where did the mixed feelings come from? Is it from me? Perhaps I must coach myself that it is all in my imaginations. It is about mind over body. When my mind is clear, then the worries will be gone. But, how can I not worry when I know help is hard to come by on that one particular account. I pray hard to Allah that things are gonna be fine for me at work. Saying “Astaghfirullah” has been my practice. I know I have no one else to talk about this fear and worry I have about work, but I know I have Him to turn to. He never pushes me away. 

The Power of Istighfar – Astaghfirullah (I seek forgiveness of Allah) 

People often forget the importance of the simple yet powerful dua (supplication) – Istighfar i.e., saying “Astaghfirullah” (I seek forgiveness of Allah). Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) recited this at least 100 times a day. Let us see the benefits and virtues of reciting this simple beautiful supplication insha Allah.

• Istighfar (Astaghfirullah) is the gateway of relief and happiness. Whenever you are in distress start reciting it and Insha Allah it will take you out of your anxiety and will put you in a peaceful situation and will give you happiness.
• Istighfar removes anxiety and duas are answered.
• Istighfar opens the door of sustenance.
• Istighfar opens the door of mercy.
• Istighfar opens the door of knowledge.
• Istighfar is also gateway of productivity.
• Istighfar relieves you. When you feel that sadness within you, when you are disturbed and frustrated, when anxiety surrounds you, say “Astaghfirullah” “Astaghfirullah”…
• Reciting Astaghfiruallah is an effective method of calming our self and wipes away the variety of worldly worries from our mind and body. It may also help us, if we are suffering from depression, it calm us and lessen our depression.
• Astaghfirullah also helps us to refrain from all forms of sins. Regularly saying this reminds us that Allah is everywhere and in this way there is very small chances of doing wrongful actions.
• Ibn Abbas (May Allah be pleased with them) said: The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) said,
  

  “If anyone constantly seeks pardon (from Allah), Allah will appoint for him a way out of every distress and a relief from every anxiety, and will provide sustenance for him from where he expects not.” [Abu Dawud].

I Am Confuse

Dear Diary,

I have always have mixed feelings towards my job. Up till today I sometimes feel like quitting and sometimes I feel that I am enjoying my job. I know I am confuse and the reason is because it depends on how it goes in the office. I supposed I only feel good when things go smoothly and I know how to get things done. But I must know that I am new and it will take me sometime to be master of my own trade. 

To go through the learning process is a pain as the environment is fast pace and people want you to get things done as quickly as possible. How the hell can I get things done fast when it is only less than tenth times that I do it? Everything is new to me. The office, environment, systems, colleagues, work scope and most importantly workflow. I need time to learn the ropes. 

Some colleagues are friendly and some are not. Some are understanding while some can be assholes. I know it will be easy for me in the long run but to wait to get there can be miserable. How long do I need to be good at it? I am not sure Diary but I am giving myself 6 months to get there. I am holding 3 accounts and within a month they expect me to learn all the workflows and processes of all the three accounts. 

I have 3 predecessors that I am learning from. Two are on leave for a week now and I am left on my own to do the work. I do not mind the hard work as I know this company pays for all my overtime but I somewhat feel upset that my Manager overlook that I still need guidance about my work. Perhaps she knows but the leaves were probably approved way before I joined so she really has no choice but to let them go. 

I am rather pissed. I have got other offers. A recruitment agent is offering me a position in the similar field but I declined the offer. My old team leader called me back to join her as a part timer but I had to decline too. I know I would be comfortable working there but it is going to be part time salary and I cannot afford it anymore. I have to think of my financial commitments and that is probably what makes me stay in this company. 

I pray and hope that things are going to be fine for me Diary. I really do.

Engkau Nurkasih

Hello Diary,

Diharapkan engkau sihat dan baik baik sahaja di sana. Aku di sini seperti biasa mengharungi liku liku hidup yang penuh dengan onak dan duri tetapi aku masih tetap berdiri teguh di mana sahaja aku berada. Umur aku kini sudah menjaugkau 38 tahun. Ucapan Happy Birthday dikirimkan oleh dia seperti biasa. Tetapi tahun ini agak lewat sedikit, tidak seperti tahun tahun yang lalu di mana dia tidak pernah gagal mengucapkan tepat atau beberapa minit selepas pukul 12 malam. 

Aku kagum dengan kesungguhan dia. Sungguh aku tertanya tanya ada apa dengan aku wahai saudari sehingga engkau tidak pernah gagal membuatku tersenyum di hari lahirku dengan hanya ucapan yang ringkas sahaja. Ya, memang benar aku selalu menunggu dengan hati yang besar segala apa jenis message dari dia. Hati terlonjak lonjak dengan penuh excitement apabila mendapat message darinya. Aku malu pada diriku kerana tidak mengingati hari jadinya tetapi sekarang aku sudah ingat dan aku berjanji bahawa aku akan melakukan yang sama pada dia.

Kadang kala, mahu sahaja aku memberitahunya bahawa aku sudah bertemu NurKasihku. Tetapi aku takut. Aku takut dengan keadaan. Aku takut akan jawapan yang akan diberi kerana hati aku kini sudah pulih dan aku tidak mahu lagi menyakiti hati aku. Kalau sakit lagi, agak susah untuk aku mahu mengubatinya. Cukuplah sudah masa masa yang lalu. Aku seperti orang yang tiada jasad. Hidup hanya kerana aku terpaksa. Aku bernafas tetapi aku bagaikan di dunia fantasi, seperti aku tidak wujud di dunia. Kehilangan dia begitu amat terasa. Setiap hari aku menyalahkan diri sendiri. Cukup benci aku dengan diriku waktu itu. Jikalau engkau tahu apa di dalam hati aku wahai saudari, engkau pasti percaya yang cinta aku memeng tulus untuk engkau. 

Ingin sahaja aku luahkan tetapi mulutku terkunci, jari jemariku terkaku dan otakku terbeku tidak boleh memikirkan apa apa lagi kecuali rasa yang  amat takut bahawa mungkin aku sendiri sahaja yang mempunyai perasaan terhadapnya. Lebih baik aku menyayanginya dari jauh. Wahai saudari, tahukah engkau bahawa perasaan kasih sayang aku terhadap engkau tidak pernah berubah atau berkurangan walaupun sudah tidak ketemu dengan engkau sekian lama. Sayang sekali aku dengan engkau kerana aku masih membawa gambarmu di dalam wallet aku. Tidak pernah aku keluarkan gambarmu kecuali jikalau aku ingin menatapmu. Kalau hati aku boleh berbicara dengan sendirinya, sudah tentu dia mengatakan aku gila. 

Engkaulah Nurkasih. Engkaulah wanita yang aku ingin jadikan sebagai sumber inspirasiku. Engkaulah wanita yang aku mahu menghabiskan masa tuaku bersama sama. Aku mahu mencintaimu dan menyayangimu dan aku juga mahu menjagamu di waktu engkau sakit, aku mahu membuat engkau tersenyum di waktu engkau sedih dan aku juga mahu menjadi wanita yang engkau yakin engkau boleh mengharapkan aku di saat saat engkau memerlukan seorang teman. Aku mahu jadi orang itu untuk engkau. Aku masih sayang dengan engkau tetapi aku takut untuk meluahkan.

Kadang kala kita berfikir yang kita boleh hidup berseorangan tetapi kita perlukan seseorang untuk bercerita. Betul kan? Kita perlukan teman untuk berbicara cerita cerita harian di tempat kerja, di rumah dan di mana mana sahaja. Kadang kala, tidak perlu kata apa apa pun, tetapi kita tahu apa ada dalam hati masing masing. Chemistry. Itu yang membuat two becomes 1, betul tak? Apa apa pun permintaan oleh dia, walau susah macam mana sekalipun, kita akan cuba untuk lakukan. Itu namanya cinta bukan? Kenapa aku masih memikirkan dia walau sudah bertahun kami berpisah? Kerana aku tidak pernah membiarkan cinta aku padanya padam di dalam hatiku. Sampai bila? Biarlah Diary…biarkan saja. 

Diary…aku penat. Aku ngantuk.  

How My Work Is

Dear Diary,

It has been barely a month I am in this new job and I have lost 2kgs. I knew it because only I know how my body works. I gain weight easily and lose them easily too. This new job is a fast pace environment with so many paperwork to do. I felt like I have to chase the time. I am always behind time and the backlog is growing. I swear to God I have never been in a job that requires me to do so much of paperworks. It can be a little too overwhelming for me. I feel like I am in something over my head. 

At times, I just want to get out of it all. You know, like walking away from it. That is what I usually do. I walk away from things that bother me or I feel if they are trouble, I would walk away. But this is a job. This is a job where I get paid to do handsomely, by my standards. And I was thinking, if I carry on with that kind of attitude, I would get nowhere. I have not gotten a career Diary. I have gotten a car, a house, hobbies, savings and all the nitty gritty little details but at my age, believe me or not, I have not gotten a career. I need to have one. I must have one because I would not be having my own business anytime soon. 

I am coaching myself to have faith with this new job. It offers me opportunity that I could not possibly get elsewhere. Perhaps I can but it is not easy. I work 5 days a week, Monday to Friday. I do not work on public holidays. I start work at 830am and I finish work at 6pm. I stay back everyday and it is considered overtime. I think in a month, I can clocked about 40 hours or more of overtime. But there are regulations in singapore where an employee cannot clocked more than 44 hours of overtime in a month. It is a law that the ministry of manpower has to protect employees. 

I do not mind the overtime because ultimately, it is for my own benefits. I gain monetarily and who cares if I have to work late everyday as I have no other commitments except for my family. I do not have a girlfriend, therefore I do not have to set aside my time for love. It all boils down to me. My parents are officially retired and I need cash to support them financially. This job can offer me good money because it gives me opportunity to stay back beyond my official working hours. Annual wage supplement,  variable component scheme and variable performance bonus are something which I can look forward by the end of every year for as long as I stay in this company. 

Oh Diary, please pray for my well-being. I like this job although it can be a little too much for me to handle. I am new and I have so much to learn, I am still not good at everything but I am getting there. There are many challenges I have to face especially remembering all the workflows. Sometimes I am scared and I have no one to talk to and to share. I keep it to myself. I do not want to bottle things up. I know I must tell. I want to share with you but I am always staying back at work and I leave office at 830pm almost everyday, at times I stay beyond 12 midnight just to do the month end billing. I get home at 10 or 1030pm. By the time I take my shower, it will be 11 at night. I wake up at 615am from Monday to Friday. 

I skip lunch because I am slow to get things done. There will always be problems that I face when I process orders and I have to rectify those problems before I am able to upload it into my system. All that takes time and it eats up into my time. I really don’t know how am I going to cope. It will take time, and I hope they will give me time and understand.

The Lost Cable Is Found

Dear Diary,

I did not use my polaroid wide angle camera at all while I was in the middle East. I really thought that it was broken. I told you that I got a replacement didn't I? Well guess what? While I was charging the camera, I also did not realise that I switched it on and so it was charging and at the same time it was also recording until I had used up all the memory available in the SD card. 

As I wanted to use it I could not get it to work. It was vibrating all the time. I did not realise that it was the signal that the memory was full and the SD card should be replaced. If I had known, I would have done it but it did not occur to me that it was the memory card and not the camera. I gave up and I left the camera alone. I was proud of myself because at least I did not throw the camera against the wall. You know how my temper can get right? 

After the trip, when I unpacked, I realised that the cable charger was with me all along. After my Gunung Datuk trip I actually put the cable charger in my tripod bag. My tripod was with me but I did not use it at all thus I did not open it. Silly was I not? I was pissed. I was dissapointed with myself. How can I not use the wide angle camera when I travel. I felt so dumb. The dumb is getting dumber isn't it Diary?

My New Job

Dear Diary,

I have gotten myself a new job in a logistic MNC. It has been 2 weeks now since I started and I have mixed feelings about it. I like my job scopes but there are just too many paperwork for me to do. Learning paperwork is not something I hate but I hate learning paperwork from someone who expects me to remember after the first time she teaches me. 

We got to be pragmatic and reasonable. The speed that she was going was fast and how in the world can I grasp what I had been taught? Everything was new to me and I have no logistic background. I have had a couple of years working with Fedex and Schenker but the experiences I had there were totally different than what I am doing now. Give me a break for goodness sake!! 

I am trying my best and I am coping with all the workflows that I have to do. I am beginning to understand the reasons why I have to do this before I do that. It is all becoming clearer to me. I suppose it is easier to do things with understanding. 

I felt so lost in the first week doing things blindly just following instructions. I did not know what I was doing and the purpose of it all. The second week was a little better as I began to comprehend things better. I am still not fast like the seniors but I know I can overcome this hurdle. I hope to do more orders so I can be good at my paperwork. The only way for me to be good is to do more. Practice makes perfect isn't it?

I Have Grown Fatter

Dear Diary,

I went for my medical check up today. It is a requirement for my new job. I had to weigh myself and guess what? I had put on weight. I knew I had that coming as I have difficulty squeezing myself into my skinny jeans and working pants. Let me see, I have not been working for almost 3 months. I had been an odd job labourer working like a student on school holidays earning measley salary that is barely enough to pay for my car. But I am happy you know. if I am not, I would not have put on weight. That makes sense doesn’t it?

My first day of work was on the 6^th of April. I was scared to start work. I don’t know why. It is probably because I had been resting too much at home. Cable TV was my bestfriend and the internet was the alternative. I did not write much to you Diary although I had all the time in the world. I went for 3 weeks vacation to Middle East and had good food there. At home, I took 3 meals a day and how would I not gain weight with that kind of lifestyle. I did not go for jogging and I took the lift up to my level 3 apartment instead of taking the stairs. Really, this cannot go on. And I supposed the reason why I got scared is because I knew I do not have the privilege to have that lifestyle anymore once I started this new job. 

I swear I am going to lose it. Watch me Diary.

Aku Sudah Pulang

Hello Diary,

Aku sudah pulang dari Middle East. Sudah 3 minggu aku pulang dan aku tidak pula rasa jet lag atau kepenatan. Perjalanan aku alhamdulillah, syukur tiada apa apa yang bahaya berlaku walaupun aku hampir hampir terpaksa menukar jadual penerbangan aku dari Doha ke Oman. Di saat itu itu aku terasa amat kecewa dan marah dengan immigration officers di Doha. Begitu kurang ajar sekali mereka dan disebabkan merekalah aku hampir terpaksa mengorbankan flight ticket yang sudah di bayar dan ditempah. Hampir- hampir. Ya Diary, tetapi alhamdulillah syukur kepada Tuhan berkat doa aku dan dengan izin Tuhan, aku dapat berlepas. 

Pengalaman di Doha tidaklah begitu gah. Pada aku, di Doha biasa biasa sahaja. Aku suka sekali dengan Souq Waqif di sana. Begitu unik dan terasa aku di negara Arab. Di Doha mahal mahal belaka barang barangnya tetapi masih mampu lagi kerana exchange rate SGD besar bila ditukarkan kepada Qatari Riyal. Aku tidak shopping sangat di Doha kerana tidak ada apa yang aku ingin sekali beli. Ada juga yang aku beli seperti leather jacket, bag tangan, abaya, fridge magnet dan apa lagi aku pun lupa.

Aku tiba di Oman selepas ke Doha dan aku rasa aku lebih sukakan Oman dari Doha dan Dubai. Banyak yang boleh aku ceritakan pada kau Diary tetapi aku agak malas mahu bercerita kerana banyak sangat yang harus diceritakan kalau aku mahu betul betul bercerita. 

Tetapi kesimpulannya, Oman adalah negara yang cantik dan aku suka kepada Oman kerana Oman masih mempunyai identiti Arab dan aku banyak berkunjung ke nature wonders of Oman. Di  Doha tidak boleh banyak ku ceritakan, pengalaman pahit aku hanya apabila aku sampai dan pulang di airport. Aku suka souq waqif di antara banyak banyak souq yang aku pergi. Di Dubai, aku cuma sukakan old souq nya dan juga makanan cina hot pot yang aku makan. Tidak terasa langsung aku di middle east bila di Dubai. Aku lebih terasa yang aku berada di India bila di sana. Abu Dhabi biasa biasa sahaja. Aku pergi juga ke Grand Mosque dan ya, sungguh cantik sekali.  Apa apa pun, perjalanan aku di middle east selama 18 hari di 3 buah negara amat membuka kan mata aku. Jikalau aku diberi pilihan di antara 3 negara ini, aku akan memilih Oman.   

The Replacement Cable

Dear Diary,

The traffic to JB was smooth yesterday and coming back into Singapore was too. This was a rare experience given it was Saturday yesterday. I was prepared to be caught in the jam for more than 3 hours but I did not, Alhamdulillah!! 

We had lunch at City Square and AK Noodles House. I love those noodles they have and the crispy bowl. It is one of my favourite eating place in JB. I simply love noodles more than rice. Dad liked what he ordered very much and so did mother. I ordered the same food like how I always do. This is the thing with me. I am so loyal to a menu that I find it sinful to change. 

After dinner I went to a nearby phone accessories shop and thank God they have the USB cable I was looking for. I was so glad as it makes me have 1 less worry to handle. Wait, do I have more than a thing to be worried about? Haha

I tested the cable when I got home and it works fine!! I woke up today feeling nervous about my journey especially the flight I am going to take. It is just something in my head right Diary? I am going to be fine. My mother is going to be fine. Insha Allah. This thing that I keep thinking about is playing with my mind. I must not allow it anymore. Ok never mind that.