when she's not there anymore...

dear diary, i thought i have a lot to write but when i tried the words just wouldn't come out through my fingers. there are so many things on my mind and i wish i knew how to tell you. i am missing aramis and i cannot deny it. i wonder if she is feeling the same way too. i have been feeling down lately but i tried to ignore it thinking that it is just another unexciting day. the more i tried to ignore it the more i am feeling it so clearly in my heart. i just don't know how to begin and how to carry on. i am all by myself now. i feel relieved but at the same time i am sad and hurt. i think it is time to focus on my life with or without someone to love because i know love is all around me, i just don't know it. i made a promise to myself to open my eyes and feel all the love that i see...even if she's not there anymore.

the woman without a face...

Dear diary, I know I am missing someone very much but it is hard for me to say out her name. It is almost impossible for me to do so probably because I know I will never be able to tell or to say to her how much I have been missing her. We have chosen not to speak to each other quietly and we both know the reasons why. One of us is feeling angry or sad, or hurt by the other but we just didn?t want to admit our faults and our guilt. Ego had taken over our rationality and both of us let it rule our hearts and minds. I am missing her so much that every time I scroll down the list of friends in my mobile, I will stop and literally touch the screen which shows her name. How I miss receiving a sms from that name so fond to me. I wish she knew that I am longing for her but my hands are tied and my lips are sealed. There is no power that can compensate my craving for her attentions. It is unbelievable these feelings I have for her. It is undeniable. Why did we meet only to be separated? Why did we ever become friend only to be cold to each other? My heart is so fragile now diary. It?s becoming so soft like the brain of a baby inside the skull. You have to carry it gently and carefully, otherwise it will knock against the skull and will break eventually. I am trying hard to hold back the tears. Every time I think of her, my heart sinks a little and I can literally feel the pain and the sufferings. I knew it?s broken without even touching it. I have made friends with a few people but none of them can make me feel the way I feel for her. She is one in a million, like a rare gem. I wonder if she is going to remain as the wind that I have fallen in love with till the day I breathe my last breath or will she be that rare gem I have found that I can finally hold to touch and to feel. I do not know but I wish I knew. I stored all the messages I have from her in a folder in my mobile. I keep reading and reading every single message she sent me. It helps me a little to ease the pain and the craving to have her. I think my heart cannot take it anymore diary, it is about to explode anytime soon. It?s getting dangerous and I am afraid it might kill me eventually. I am sad and heartbroken over what had happened. One blow after another and she knew what I have gone through. I cannot have anymore loss. It is too much for me to handle and I can only cry in silence. I cannot deny it anymore, she will be the one whom I have loved and love still and I wish her many success, endless happiness and everlasting good health no matter come what may.

killing my time...

hey diary, how are you? i am sleepy and tired. i called corn pie just now but she seemed busy. i thought i could just chat on the phone. well anyway, i have been planning for the things to do next year and it seems to me that i will be very busy. so many things line up for me to do. i hope i won't lose focus...i still can't transfer word file from my palmtop to my desktop and i wonder why that is. i have not figured it out yet. i miss someone very much diary...i miss her so very much...

i have to go now, i will write again soon. take care. oh by the way, i might get myself a laptop soon..take care now.

achy achy heart....

dear diary, lots of things happened for the past 2 weeks and i wonder if i ever really going to learn my lesson. i am sure i am mature enough to think but it still happens to me. one thing for sure, it happened to me because i allowed it to happen and i can only wonder why did i allow it. i think it is probably because i just wanted to have a good time regardless of how uncertain it is. perhaps i have been longing to feel the way she made me feel for a long time. it doesn't matter who made me feel that way and how it happen, all that matters is i feel good when i felt that way even though i knew that i would get hurt eventually. only then i realised that i have been missing love so much in my life. i thought it was ok and i could handle it but i just realised that it's difficult when you try to deny something which your heart craves so much for. i have been trying hard to deny love in my life only to realise that love is undeniable. it is true that i am not looking but i have to admit that my heart jumps whenever i started to feel the excitement of the possibility of a love newly found. after awhile, some mishaps brought me back into reality and i began to have my feet firmly on solid ground. dreams can be turned into reality only when the dreams are rational and realistic otherwise it takes effort of the whole batallion of army and energy of a man of steel to accomplish it. my heart sank when she broke the news to me. it was painful and i could literally feel that my heart was hurting so much. i have noticed a pattern about all the love that i have found. the women whom i am fond of always seem to break my heart and the women whom i am not fond of but take a liking on me never even let a fly hurt me. that's the saddest thing and yes i have to live with it.

as i was recovering from the heartbreak, i received a call last night and i was in shock when i heard the voice. it was little sister. she is in KL now and she explained to me on why her silence. she was in australia after the bone marrow transplant and her parents took care of her and i think they were being like all parents do, overprotective and she ended up being like a prisoner under her parent's care. i don't blame her parents. no parents would allow their children to be neglected. my heart stopped a little while when she called. i couldn't believe it was her because it has been sometimes since i heard from her. she left without a note, no goodbyes, no farewells and no nothing. i was left alone and i got lost a little. i became a little crazy checking my email everyday hoping to receive an email from her. the email never came and i kept on waiting and waiting and soon, i got disheartened. she came back into my life and i was the happiest woman alive. we spoke for about 50 minutes and i told her how worried i was when she was gone. i told her about the many events that happened to me and she gave me some advice that i would definitely follow. she has always been the little sister; my little sister, cute and always adorable, mischievious and sweet. she's going back to australia soon and i knew then that it's going to be hard to keep in touch with her. anyway, she will give me her phone number in australia, that should be okay. you know diary, when she called i felt like i was in a dream, it was such a surprise. i am glad that i have heard from her and that she is safe. i miss her so much more than words can say. i wish she will be cured and will be blessed with good health always for i love her and i want her to be happy.

yesterday was a day where i had no interest in everything. i missed zuhur, asar and isyak prayers on purpose. i knew what was wrong with me and it's all because of her. i got the news right before i was leaving home to my cousin's place. i got demoralised and i instantly became disinterested in everything that happened on that day. i couldn't be bothered anymore but unsurprisingly, i still managed to smile and laugh. i guess that is me, always managed to look A O K when i really am not ok. well, never mind, i am ok now and i know i will be fine. i called corn pie last night for awhile, she couldn't talk much cos her cousins were with her and she was leaving home with them for supper. i couldn't be long either since i called from my home fix line. we hung up and she sent me a text message after that explaining and apologising. she's nice and can be quite thoughtful, that's what i like abt her.

we brought Tuah to the market with us on sunday morning. we put him in his carrier and he was calling out to us to release him. he's so curious and he explored everything he saw. we bought him a leash and wore it on him yesterday and let him out of his carrier. he became tired and when we got home, he threw himself on the floor the moment he stepped inside the house right in the middle of the entrance. i guessed he was too tired and exhausted to walk further. i carried him in my room after that and put him to sleep on the cushion. he slept there very soundly until we left the house to my cousin's place. my parents became very sympathetic and soft on him when they saw him sleeping like that, i guess he has become the baby in our family and will remain one always.

hello diary...

dear diary, it has been a long time since i write to you. please accept my apologies. i have been busy and didn't even have time for myself let alone for others. since the start of ramadan, i have had my hands full at the preparations, there were so many things to do this year but ironically we did not celebrate Syawal as how we used to. we have one less family member, everybody else's family is expanding but my family is not growing at all, in fact we are shrinking. i feel so sad thinking about it and i am so angry with circumstances sometimes. i feel that it is unfair but what can i say what can i do? i am not trying to push the blame to others but i can't help thinking where did it go wrong and why did it have to be my family? i know i cannot change what has been written and i cannot fight fate even with all the energy i have but i am quite depress over the whole thing. a brother was taken away from me since i was young and another brother has left me for a bigger world. i am only left with one now. i feel so lost sometimes. there's something that makes me feel unhappy but i don't know what it is. dad keeps telling me that he only wishes to be with his sons, daughter and wife in paradise. i knew he misses my brother very much but he is holding back his thoughts from us because perhaps he knew too that all of us are coping with his death. i still shed tears for him quietly and when i am alone reminiscing. i have been thinking about him a lot lately and i remember how i used to joke and tease him. i cannot have the good times anymore with him because he is gone forever and all that is left now are the memories i had with him.

hang tuah is with us now and he has become comfortable with the house and us. he has been a good boy but since he is still a kitten and growing up, he is naughty occasionally, however he is always adorable. i can see that he is growing bigger day by day and he doesn't stop growing. ragdolls cat grow to as big as 20 pounds especially for male ragdolls. hang tuah is almost 2 kg now and he is only 4 months old! i played a lot with him since he came home and i never get tired of him. he is such a lovely and adorable kitten with blue eyes. i cannot deny that the reason why he is with us now is to keep us busy and fill our time with him so that we will not be thinking of him too much. hang tuah's presence indeed help us to overcome the feelings of loneliness.

i have not heard from little sister anymore. i have no idea what happened to her and what is she doing right now. there's not a single news from her and i am thinking of the worst right now. i knew she was going for the bone marrow transplant and that was it. i never heard from her eversince. i do not want to think negative but i am actually thinking of the worst right now. it's so unlike her to do this. please put her in safe hands.

aramis is gone too. i just don't know what to say about her anymore. history is repeating itself now and i am feeling it all over again. she should have left me alone and i should have learnt my lesson.

ash was supposed to come here and spend the weekend with me but she had to cancell it. i was looking forward for her visit cos it's been a long time since i had friends sleeping over my house. i miss their company. we planned to skate and eat seafood but since she couldn't make it, i think i will just skate alone. i was a little pissed with ash actually. i told her to inform me early once she has got the ticket so that i can arrange to pick her up. she didn't get back to me until after i made 4 calls to her which were never answered and 3 sms which she answered eventually. if there is anything i hate, it would be that kind of attitude; a lack of resposibility. busy is not acceptable, it is just excuses and i hate it. nevertheless, i have always enjoyed ash's company cos she is easy and not difficult to please. i hope she is able to make it some other time.

corn pie and i are getting closer and closer each day. we met once and it all started from there. i just feel comfortable with her. she shares the same wavelength as i do and i found out that she and i have a lot in common. she's my age and it's easy to talk to her. i hope our frienship lasts cos she's someone good to have as a friend.

got to go diary. write to u some other time.

all my love

dear diary, i received an email from little sister yesterday. i read her email with sadness and concern. the doctor took her blood some more and they are going to come out with the result soon. i am sad and i am afraid. i feel so sorry for her but i know she won't like it if i show it but i hope deep down inside her she knows i care. i hope to be there soon to give her a hug of courage and support for what she is going through. i keep thinking about her and wonder how is she doing right now. i cried a little for her but i am always praying for her. i have found true friend in her and i will pray to God to give her a good health.

i went skating last night and today for maybe about 10 km. it was tough cos there were a lot of climbing up hill. my thighs went the extra mile for me like never before. it was fun and exciting and i hope to do it again every weekends.

mum told me that she tried calling my late brother's old mobile number and to her surprised, she heard his voice in the voice mail greeting. he was using prepaid card last time and it is still active. his prepaid has a voice mailbox service which allowed him to record his own personal greeting and he did. i heard his voice and i couldn't stop myself from crying. i tried so hard fighting back my tears infront of my parents. dad is still sad over his death and he cried when he listened to his voice. i looked at dad with heartfelt sympathy and how i wish if i could do a miracle, i would bring my brother back to life. i am still missing him and i never stop to think about him everyday. i am going to top up the prepaid so that the number will remain active and so as his voice mailbox. that's the only way i can still hear his voice.

please God, keep my sister safe from harm. give her an eternal happiness because she has been someone i feel so emotionally attached to nowadays. i share everything with her and i tell her stories. i don't want to stop doing it. you have taken my brother so please do not take my sister away from me. i love her like my own sister and please understand how i feel. for all the love on earth, please give us the chance to feel the love we have for each other, near or far till death do us part...

the girls...

dear diary, a lot of things happened for the past week and my time is so filled up that i hardly have time for myself let alone to write. before i begin even further, please accept my apology. aramis and i are talking again but this time i drew an invisible line between us. i do not want things to be like before and i always keep it short and simple. it all started when she began to text me back after keeping silent for 2 months. i didn't ask why nor demand for explanation. i let it be. she voluntarily explained and i was hurt even worse than before. well, people make mistakes and i didn't really care anyway. i know where i stand and i am going to keep it simple from now on. the love is still there but i don't want to get hurt again. if we are meant to be together then we will be no matter how long it takes for us to realise that. i miss her everyday but i know i cannot get too carried away. but i am glad that we have started talking so that i do not have to carry the burden of missing her anymore. she's just too special and i don't think i can ever forget her even in 40 years from now.

little sister is gone and i have no idea what happen to her. i do not feel good about it and i sense something bad. the transplantation of mone marrow usually takes only 2-3 weeks the most but it has been over a month and i am so lost. i am puzzled and i don't know what to think anymore. wherever she is, whatever she is doing, i wish her good health and always be happy. i hope she knows how much i have been missing her.

russia text me 2 days ago asking when can we break fast together. it's hard to say because i hardly have time for myself nowadays since syawal is approaching. i think she would understand, she has been in my house for a couple of times and has mingled with my family members, so i assume she would know. i do miss her company sometimes. she's the kind of person who would make me feel safe whenever i am with her. i just wish that we will remain friends always regardless of what happen. i wished her happy birthday one month too soon and it was embarrassing. i sent her a card but i think i am going to call her on the day itself to make it up to her.

ash has been sms'ing me quite frequently nowadays. she always said she misses me and i begin to have doubt. i never doubt her statement before but after awhile i started to see the change in her. she's become wild and sometimes insensible and that makes it hard to accept what she has said. she was not like this before. i knew her as a decent young girl who has little knowledge of fashion but she has proved me wrong after we broke up and i just find it so sudden. she's behaving like a play girl nowadays and it really turns me off. i just thought that she's trying to grow up too fast and feel old before her time. it's so not cool and unoriginal but i know she still hopes for us to be together again somehow, i just sense it. i still love her but only as a friend, i'm not sure if i am able to go beyond that.

something is wrong with chicken pie. her phone was turned off since 2 days ago and it has not been swithed back on. she has 3 numbers and i tried all her numbers but in vain. this is so not her and i am worried. it's just so unusual for a person to switch off his mobile for more than 2 days unless he is away from mainland. i wonder what could have happen to her. i miss her sweet voice. she has this very sweet voice that i can never get enough. you know what diary, i have begun to think of her often and it is freaking me out. i do not want to have any intimate feelings towards anybody for now and i hope i know how to handle things from there.

i have not heard from dancing queen for a few months now. i guess she has been busy and i couldn't be bothered to call her anymore. she's always not free to talk whenever i call her so i got fed up and stopped calling. the last time we met was in KL in april this year. that was the last we saw each other. i got turned off by her attitude and i decided to leave her alone. she likes attention and i knew she would do anything just to be the centre of attraction while i on the other hand likes to remain low profile and mind my own business. sometimes, i just feel that she has been going overboard to be in the limelight which causes me to lose some respect for her. the thing about dancing queen is she can be as pretty and hip as she wants, look as old and mature as she wants, get all the attentions she wants but still thinks like a kid. i can tolerate that last time probably because i got hook on her and overlooked her shortcomings but i started to realise we can never be together. it's impossible even though she once openly told me she hopes that we are a couple someday somehow but i can only smile at that. nevertheless, she is still somebody dear to me.

i guess my friendship with von dutch has ended and there is no way i can revive it. some things happened and both of us didn't like it. she was nice to me but it was ruined by her partner who somehow i think got jealous of us. the funny thing is, i didn't even try to come on to her, in fact i didn't even ask for her number. she gave it voluntarily and we started talking on the phone soon after that. i cannot recall if there were any intimate conversations between us so i was puzzled for what had happened. she apologised and i took it too hard, i was rude and blunt and cold towards her, she got the message and she left me alone.

well, what can i say and what can i do? she left me with no choice. i tried to create conversation with her but i knew it was pointless. she didn't reply me back, that's when i knew it's over between us even as friends. our friendship was short but it was sweet.

Busy Thursday

dear diary, i spent my thursday at home doing some project for someone. it is her birthday today and i wanted to send the file by email but i can't. it is a powerpoint presentation file and i have got some interesting stuffs in it. i have got our chat logs, my pictures and some of my poems written for her in it too. i did it so nicely and i also inserted our song in it for her to hear. the file is too big to be send via email. i have got other options but i have to wait for the time.

we are returning the maid back to the agency tomorrow and it is kind of sad. we hired her because of my late brother and now that he is gone, we don't require a maid anymore. we are all adults and there are no kids or aged people in the house. all this talk about the maid brings me back to my brother. i have to go now diary, don't wanna be in self pity for losing my brother.

oh yes, by the way, i miss my sister so much. she hasn't written for few days and i am worried. i hope she is happy and fine. i hope her butch gf didn't do anything to her. some butch can be so insecure and edgy and i wonder why that is. little sister, if u read this, where have you been? send me news of yourself ok..?

tired of her...

dear diary, i bought another savings insurance policy today from Great Eastern. i didn't have the intention to buy but the insurance advisor was pretty and she has flawless skin that i just couldn't resist admiring. she was the only female advisor at the booth and i quite enjoyed the time spent with her. i bought a savings 25 years plan which covers the common 30 illnesses, PTD and death. it does not have high sum assured but that is not my concern cos i have other policies from other Insurance companies to take care of it, so long as i know what i bought and what are my protections. it is important to be insured, insurance can act as savings, protection and as an investments, you will never know what can happen to you.


i am still not hearing any news from little sister. i am so worried about her. i don't know what could be wrong. she's not usually like this. she has not sms me and emailed me and there's no way i can find out what's wrong with her unless her mother calls me. she told me that her mum keeps my number for emergency. i am trying to think straight now and i will not let any negative thoughts take control of my emotions. she was hospitalised last few weeks cos the doctor wanted to take a sample of her blood and i am not sure if she is hospitalised again because of that this week. i just wish she is doing great and nothing bad has happened to her.

i am going skating tomorrow with designer again and it might be in the morning after i visit my brother's grave. we might be skating for 10 km this time under the hot sun. i got to bring my windbreaker and a cap. designer still can't skate at full speed cos she has yet to master the correct techniques. i might be leaving her far behind but i will keep a look out on her. it's good to skate when you already know how. you can feel the wind hitting your face and the adrenalin rush as you overtake the other skaters smoothly. it's really fun and exciting. i might be enrolling myself into the class soon to learn other skating techniques and skills. i have to wait until Ramadan is over though.

aramis text me again and i replied her after 24 days of silence. i didn't say any lovey dovey things in my message. i was being blunt and straightforward but i didn't sound rude or angry. i answered her with short and sharp answers. i just want to let it be. the main thing to do now is to protect my interest, everything else does not matter when it comes to her cos i know she can be selfish and amazingly insensitive. i don't want to hold grudges anyway and it's not good to remain silent with her for a long time.

i think she has got my message that i have become tired of her. i don't know. she thinks what she wants to think. i have nothing much to say anymore. you know diary, it is unbelievable how some people can take things for granted so much that they are becoming heartless, selfish prick. they only think of themselves and disregard other people's feelings and views. you try hard to understand and give in to them because you love them but they just wouldn't listen and understand. they don't see what you are going through because they refuse to open their eyes to see and feel. and after awhile, when you have realised how they have taken advantage of you, you start to stay away and ignore them. they noticed it and they asked you why and they apologised. it is always so simple with them. one apologies after another and they expect everything to go back to square one. well they can kiss my ass goodbye if that's what they think. there are times when you can forget and forgive but it's not that simple especially when our own interests are at stake. i have been forgiving and forgetting but let me tell you something diary, it sure feels good to get back sometimes. i guess that's when they came up with the saying, don't get mad, get even. this is what it's all about. talk to you later again diary...

memories live on...

dear diary, according to the calendar it is 14 more days to aidilfitri and my family has not made any grand preparation for it. i spent the weekend helping my mum cleaned the kitchen. we rearranged the glasswares and cutleries and we threw away all those unused and unwanted tablewares. it was very tiring and confusing cos i think mum has got many tupperwares than tablewares. she's just so crazy about tupperwares that i reminded her not to buy anymore. it's taking up a lot of space and we almost run out of it.

mum said that she wants to bring over most of the tablewares and tupperwares back to our house in malaysia once it is ready. the house project is still put on hold pending further plannings and negotiations. it has been her dream to build a house there. the land is inherited from my late grandma and it is divided into 4 plots. mum got her share and she's been saving to have a house there.

it all started from grandma, when she asked mum to have a house built there. grandma said that if mum does not build a house there, she will never set her foot there in the future. it's true to some extent because the house left by grandma after she died has been taken over by my greedy auntie. it was pathetic, i still remember the surprised we had when we came home to visit grandma's cemetery. we got to grandma's place at 3 in the morning and we were welcomed by a motorcycle parked in the house when we opened the door. we were all shocked and dumbfounded only to realised that the house late grandma left was rented out by my auntie without our knowledge. she didn't even have the decent courtesy to let us know. we had nowhere to go so we just explained to the tenant and we slept in the kitchen. i felt so humiliated.

i was more dissapointed than surprise because my auntie, an educated woman with good background would do such a thing and it's all about wealth. it's sad because in the event of someone else's death, fighting over his/her estate is something disgraceful and despicable. since then, mum and mak utih are determine to build a house there of their own. there is no place for us to seek shelter anymore when we come home and building a house of our own is the only option. i used to hear grandma said that no matter how small or big the land is, no matter how rich or poor a man is, no matter how old or new a house is, to live in his own home on his own plot of land is something that everybody must achieved. somehow, i guess she is right. there is nothing greater than to have something your own that you have work hard to achieve.

grandma has been living alone since she got divorced from grandpa. she went back to her hometown in muar and settled there alone. she made her own living selling clothes and jewellery to villagers. she was so independent and strong-willed. i have heard that she was very thrifty and she saved hard on every penny she earned. she was a small time businesswoman, trading and doing business based on guts and instincts with sincerity and honesty as principles. she had no proper educational certificates nor did she has any business background but she still made it regardless of her shortcomings. what even impresses me is she could afford to buy a piece of land with her own hard earned money. this woman is amazing. she is what we call today the iron lady with extraordinary women power. i admire her guts and glory, i admire her strengths and will and most of all i admire her perseverance and determination. she is definitely one woman i will look up to for motivations and inspirations.

it was a sad weekend when i helped mum cleaned the kitchen. we cleaned the kitchen thoroughly and most of my late brother's medicines were kept in a big container in the kitchen. there was a packet of nestum mum bought for him just days before his death. it was unopened and still kept in the plastic bag from the supermarket. he couldn't eat anymore solid food so mum bought the nestum for him. when we were cleaning, we came upon the packet of nestum and mum cried when she saw it. she told me she had bought it for him but he left too soon. i tried so hard to hold back my tears, i didn't want to cry infront of my mum. i didn't feel good crying with her because i know she is coping with his death too and how can i cry when i am expected to be the strong one?

it's so heartbreaking and so sad. i try not to think about it but missing him and thinking about him is undeniable. he's a part of me and i know he is alive in me. i will have to live on without him and i know i will cry for him every now and then till i breath my last breath. i am working hard to achieve my goals for a better and comfortable future. i am sure my brother will like it and encourage me to work even harder. that's what he would do for me. i know that my success will be his success too and i will try to hear his voice whenever i am down because it gives me strength and most of all comfort that i have always missed since he was gone. please God, blessed me and my hard work for a better tomorrow in duniawi and ukhrawi...for myself and for all my loved ones...

who's the judge...?

dear diary, it rained in the afternoon again and my fingers almost got numbed. some lunatic moron turned the air conditioner to full blast and i was freezing! it was so cold i felt i was in the refrigerator at the freezer compartment. i almost fell asleep just now but i managed to stay awake by excusing myself to the toilet to wash my face with ice cold water every 30 minutes.

i missed the singapore idol on TV last night but i didn't miss The OC. singapore idol is not in my favourite tv program list, therefore, it's no surprise if i had miss it. the competition is getting tense and crucial as there are only 6 idols wannabe left and they are considered to be the best to have managed to remain in it this far. however, i do have my own reservations about all these idols craze. the best might not be crowned as the singapore idol because this competition is all about the people's choice. you stay because of the number of votes you receive and to secure the highest number of votes is to be likable to the mass; the public. some people have the cut, good quality voice, good looks and versatile but there's just something about them the public doesn't like and they get eliminated because the votes are not coming in for them. ironic isn't it? back at the american idol, i remember Simon Cowell said that this competition is about your voice quality, doesn't matter how you look like. it's a singing competition, what else do you look for if not for good powerful vocal that can deliver any songs in a singing competition? that's the norm but when the results depend very much on the discretion of the public, then anything can happen. these idols wannabe will eventually have their own followers and fans. the more fans they have, the more number of votes they will get. if the public decide that an idol wannabe is not friendly or does not appear appealing to them, obviously votes will not be coming in for that particular idol. in my opinion, singaporeans cannot become good outstanding singers like the indonesian or phillipino or any other asian countries that is popular in producing singer with powerful vocal chord. looking back at Asia Bagus, some of you might remember this program which was hosted by Najib Ali and Tomoko (If i got the name right). i hardly remember contestants from singapore who had powerful voice that we can be proud of. the very first grand final top prize was awarded to the infamous 'Construction site', the singapore rap group which did not make it big after winning it. Kris Dayanti of indonesia was beaten by merely 1 point but looking at her achievements and success now, we might have thought she holds first place. singapore is definitely not a place where you can sing full time to make a living. the market is small and it's not encouraging. english is the national language and singaporeans would rather buy an english album from international artist than an english album sung by a local artist. that is just how people think over here. even if the album is in another language which can be appealing to the local market, still it is hard to sell. i am really wondering what will happen to the singapore idol after winning the title. can he or she survive by singing in singapore or their fate will be the same with 'construction site' that seems not constructing anymore? i do not know. it is hard to predict since things are often changing, but i doubt the winner can have his cake and eat it. the life of the singapore idol will change but i don't think it's going to be permanent unless she/he moves to a country where she/he is sure to be successful.

i went to Levis just now and wanted to buy the denim shirt i told you about. i went to wisma atria levis counter but they didn't have my size anymore and so i went to takashimaya and no they didn't have my size too. i asked the sales person to check with their other boutique but most of them did not have my size or that model anymore. it's difficult because it's an old stock. it's denim Type 1 sleeveless shirt that comes in 3 colours but i only like the darker blue and they didn't have that in my size anymore. they only have large and it's too big for me. they have S for the other colours but i prefer the darker blue cos i think it looks more outstanding. i look nice in them. i am not sure if i want to go to the other boutique and find out. the sales staff was not very helpful and did not volunteerily call many of the boutiques to ask. he wasn't busy when i came and that really turned me off. i had to ask him to make the call to the selected boutiques without him having the initiatives. i couldn't stay long anyway so i left in a hurry. i am still contemplating to buy or not to buy. i am sure if i really search for it, i will find it somewhere here in singapore. i might have to make a stop at Centrepoint later and check the levis boutique there. i hope they have it cos i still need to get a haircut and do my laundry. gosh, i have so many things to do later on. i might be skating tonight if it doesn't rain with hulk. he told me he has started to practice skating but he still has yet to learn how to glide. he only practiced for 30 minutes alone and having been skating for some time now, i know he will not be able to learn fast. it could be because of ramadan that he has slowed down, otherwise he should be able to glide already by now. everybody seem tired and weak and worse of all lazy. i must drink more water today, i have not been drinking a lot of water and i don't want to get dehydrated. i have to buy some milk from 7-11 or cold storage on my way home.

i received a hari raya card from pumpkin yesterday. she's nice to me and i think i might fall for her anytime soon. she seems caring and sincere. she calls me, she sms me, she chats with me and she send me a card. aramis always promise to send me gifts but she never did. she always makes me wait and hope for things that never going to happen. she always gives me empty promises that only bring more miseries to my soul. she was missing from my life for 3 years and she came back only to hurt me even more. i often wonder why did i fall for her knowing that it will only bring more pain and sufferings. i smile at that question, that's the only thing i can afford to do. it helps me heal a bit...

live to tell...

Dear diary, I am not sure if we are into the monsoon season here but it has been raining almost everyday and night. Getting the clothes to dry can be quite difficult especially when you have a lot of laundry to do. The festive season is coming and the existing curtains and bed sheets have to be washed and cleaned. All those add up to the amount of laundry I have to do this few weeks. It?s only sunny in the morning before 12 noons but I have always missed it because I am not a morning person. I usually wake up at 9 and by the time the washing machine stops spinning it will be 9.45 which leave me with merely 2.5 hours to put the morning sun to use which is an insufficient amount of time to dry the clothes. I have been doing my family's laundry every fortnight and I hang them to dry indoors usually.

It helps a bit cos I do my own personal laundry every Friday night and I need the space to dry my clothes outdoor. I never let anyone do my laundry because I don't trust them to handle my clothes. Even the maid was not allowed to wash my clothes. If there were anything that I will never let anyone do, it would be doing my own personal laundry. I go out 5-6 times a week and I dress up to occasions. I don't wash my clothes immediately after use instead I gather them in a laundry basket and wash them altogether on a weekly basis. I don't mix my own clothes with the others.

It is just a principle I have about my belongings. I am not sure but I guess that is how I was brought up. I am the only girl and growing up with 3 boys, wait a minute, it's 2 actually, yes, growing up with 2 boys mom has always separated and differentiated my belongings from my brother's. I am the obedient child and follows what mum told me to do. I only eat my share of food and drink my share of water. I only use my stationeries and never took from by brothers. Simply said, I never like to use things that belong to others and I expect people to be like that too. I wouldn't say that I am selfish but I hate to lend my stuffs to people. I would rather buy them the stuffs with my own money than having them to borrow from me. It?s a bit crazy but it's the truth.

I remember when I was 8 years old, a friend always had to borrow my sharpener, I didn't like it but I lent it to her anyway with conditions that she use it with proper care and return it to me immediately after use. I often nagged at her for not having her own sharpener, as it was not an expensive thing to buy beyond our 8 years old pocket money. At one time, she got uncomfortable with my constant nagging that she stopped borrowing from me. I felt bad but what can I do what can I say? In my opinion, if a thing is as important as eating and drinking, why can't we all make an effort to make it readily available for our own convenience? I may be right, but situations and circumstances have to be taken into considerations here. I didn't know her family background. At one time, we were chit chatting with each other, and she told us spontaneously that her family sleeps at night without shutting the main door. She continued telling us that they had to leave the door open in order to feel the wind because they didn't have a fan. I remain silent and I thought to myself how thoughtless I had been. I gave her my sharpener the next day hoping that it would make her day brighter than usual.

I have changed a little ever since. I started to share my food and drinks, I have started to become sensitive towards other people's shortcomings but still I am particular about lending people my favourite stuffs. I don't think I would lend my mini disc, my inline skate, my palm top, my watches or my clothes to people. I mean, I am not stingy but there are some valuable belongings of mine which I have to keep private don't I and people just have to respect that, like it or not.

You know what I have been thinking all afternoon diary? I have been thinking about this girl I tried to woo when I was in secondary two. She was a Sikh and she immediately caught my attention when I first laid my eyes on her. She was pretty, sharp nose, hazel brown eyes, and flawless skin, natural brown hair. You know how those south Indian girls can look like right? Gosh, they are simply gorgeous; I think they are naturally outstanding than those fake Hollywood actresses. I did get her name but it was such a difficult name to remember. I always tried to get her attention whenever I can. She was the school's councilor and I purposely became the regular latecomers just so I could have a one to one interaction with her. Being so close with her gave me the cold hands and my heart always seemed to beat faster than usual. She is just the one woman I adore.

Her looks are magnificent and it could drown out all the other beauties. She is simple but I am sure if she has learnt how to dress up and apply some make up, she will be a drop dead gorgeous babe! I wanted to be close with her, I wanted to be her friend so that I can know what are her favourite drinks and what are her favourite food but I had to change to a new school when I entered secondary 3 and it broke my heart. I never saw her again and I do wonder sometimes, if she would have remembered me like how I am remembering her. We did talk to each other and exchanged smiles but those were just about it. I was not given the opportunity, she was friendly though and she was not selective in making friends. She talked to me without failing to smile.

You know diary, sometimes, when you come across a girl that you like, you really want to touch her and hold her. You started to imagine she was in your arms, it's a good feeling until you realised that it's hard with a lot of obstacles because you are simply a lesbian, which the society shuns. I guess, the hardest part for a lesbian is to watch someone she admires so passionately in the arms of another man. That?s when we know how tough life can be for us. It?s sad when the people you admire and adore cannot accept what you are. Some of us are lucky to be able to turn straight girls into bisexuals but some of us are not. I never tried to hit on straight girls before. It?s just something I don't believe in. my x-gfs have mostly been lesbians naturally without being influenced. There?s only one person whom I have never consider as a genuine lesbian. She seemed lost in her true identity and doesn't know whom she really wants to love. Always making excuses for her mistakes and very emotionally disturbed most of the times. I don't know if she was using that to attract attention because she seemed to cry easily with me during our courting times. It was like she did what she did to have sympathy with what she has gone through in the past.

Honestly, she got my sympathy and my love but it was somebody else that she loved. I was just there to fill up her time and got her attentions diverted for a while from the girl. We do not talk anymore because she thinks I am superficial and I think she is emotional. One man's meat maybe another man's poison. It?s impossible to please everybody and we must always remember that we only have one life to live so make the best out of it. For people to like and hate us, always think that it's bound to happen because we humans will never be perfect for everyone. Think that even our Prophet had enemies let alone us. I never let anymore of such things bother me because I have learnt that trying hard to please everybody is the first step to failure because it is impossible.

Little sister is still silent without any news. I am beginning to get worried and negative about things. All the emails I sent her are not replied and I really hope this silent from her is because of the transplant and not because of anything else. I am just afraid if I have said something wrong that makes her stay away from me. I really don't know what could be the problem except for the transplant. Where could she be diary? I miss her so much and I hope she knows it. There?s no fun without her in my life. It?s been more than a month and how much longer is it? If the transplant seems to be successful without any complications, I heard that it only takes 2-3 weeks before the patient could come out of the clean room. But I don't know the situation now with little sister. There?s no news, no emails, no sms, no phone calls no nothing from her. Please god, make her safe and help her heal. She?s young and she has so much to look for in her life. Give her a chance...please.

Diary, I am contemplating on whether or not should I buy this shirt that I have been eyeing. It?s Levis and I like it very much. I have a strong feeling that I might get it anytime soon. I know myself and if I want something I will get it. It?s denim and it's nice, been eyeing on it for a long time but I have been putting the idea aside that I actually forgot abt it until last night. I went to orchard last night alone for a while. I just went to wisma atria and takashimaya. Many shops were having sale and surprisingly I didn't buy anything at all. There were a few tops that I liked but thinking back of how many tops I have bought this year made me put them back to where they belonged.

Furthermore, they didn't have something different. They are all of the same pattern with different design. I wanted something rugged but trendy, something simple but stylish, not something common where you can see everyday. You know, I think I really should get that Levis top. It?s worth it, I just don't know when to get it but I must get it before this Saturday though so that leaves me with only tonight and tomorrow. I want to wear it on Saturday night to geylang serai. We will be going there for dinner and do some hari raya shopping. I am sure geylang will be crowded this Saturday. It?s end of month and it falls on Saturday. People have every good reason to visit geylang. We are going dinner to this newly opened restaurant, which has received a lot of publicity due to its tremendous advertising campaigns. It?s always like that with newly opened restaurants during Ramadan. People flocking in non-stop like there's no tomorrow. My family has been trying to book a table since last month but we were always told that it's fully booked. I wonder if it can survive after Ramadan cos newly opened restaurants in geylang serai are known to be popular during Ramadan but will eventually closed down after that due to poor response from the public. That is why they say; things are hot when they are new.

geylang serai is not popular as it is during Ramadan. It?s the Malay kampong Singaporeans call it, but it's just in the name. It doesn't have any big names shopping centre that can attract tourist and Singaporeans from all walks of life to visit geylang on regular days. Unlike, Mohd Mustafa and Samsuddin Company in little India, geylang serai has nothing similar or as good as that. Therefore, even good restaurants find it hard to survive in geylang off Ramadan. Sometimes, I wish the Malay society would have an entrepreneur who thinks big and different like Mohamad Mustafa and Samsuddin so that we can have a tall building standing proud in the heart of mind you, not Orchard road but Geylang Serai and attract all the tourist, foreigners and Singaporeans from all walks of life and races to give geylang serai a totally new vibrant environment.