no more far and away

dear diary,

 i miss you so much and i have lots of stories to tell. my hair has grown longer and i intend to have it trim again back to the same pattern i had when i went to KL last two months. my hair grow fast and during this period, i just don't want to keep it long. i am not sure but i have been telling myself to keep it long but it is just not happening. everytime it grows up to a length where i consider long, i surely cut it short. i guess i am enjoying the convenience of wearing my hair short. when hair is short, it requires little maintenance and that is good. i don't even comb my hair nowadays. the only accessories i have on my hair is a clip. it reminds me of my secondary school days. i do want to grow my hair long, probably i will grow it long till it reaches my waist. i haven't worn my hair like that before and it surely will change my look. i can play with hang tuah with my long hair. he will surely love it.

he's getting very comfortable at home you know diary. he's always awake in the morning before everybody leave home for work and everytime he sees me in the morning, he will lie on the floor and roll his body till he can't roll anymore. he will put his feet high up in the air with his tail waging telling me that he's in a relax mood. he will open his legs wide and expose his tummy to me indicating that he wants to be rub on the tummy. he loves it when people rub his tummy. sometimes, when he gets mischievious, he would bite gently or nibble my hand when i rub his tummy. he is so adorable and i love him so much. the house is empty and quiet without him. we are planning to get another one to be his playmate. it would be fun watching them play with each other. dad told me last night that he wants to have another cat for hang tuah to play with. he wants to bring home a stray kitten from his office.

i told him not to cos we are planning to get a british short hair. alley cats are hard to discipline and they are more prone to climbing on top of tables and cupboards. hang tuah is a rag doll and he's easy to discipline. we do not have any problem with hang tuah except he is adorable. he is so irresistible. he's grown bigger now and his eyes are getting bluer. his face has shown some manly qualities and he doesn't look like a kitten anymore. i still remember the first day he was home. he looked so young, cute and vulnerable. he sniffed everything across his way trying to get familiar with the smell. it was difficult to hear his voice then but nowadays, i can hear him call out to us many times in the event he couldn't find us near his sight. he loves people and likes to be in the company of people.

my weekend was hectic. i got very tired and sleepy a lot nowadays. apart from the lack of sleep, i go out a lot lately. we were in JB on friday evening and on sunday afternoon. being in malaysia only makes me feel impatient to move out of here. it can be crazy sometimes being in a place where your heart does not desire. you feel so lifeless and bored. how i wish i was born a malaysian instead. when i was at angsana, i saw about 10 Kenari parked in a column. they were all kenari which have been enhanced. i immediately fell in love with it and i roughly get an idea how i want my car to look like.

i think there were all Kenari Aero cos all of them were with rear spoiler and skirting. i have always like solid white and black for cars and i saw 3 of them which were white in colours. they looked so good and beautiful. if i were to have one, i would want it in solid white without any trace of other colour. i will have rear spoiler, side, front and back skirting, all solid white in colour. i will change the bonet cover into a sporty one. the sports rim will all be full cover solid white in colour. seats will be in black all leather. gosshhh, it will look sexy on the road. all windows will have visors with tinted glass. i will have, ahh what do u call that...that metal thing that can be found at the bottom front and back of a car for protection. i want to have that on my car.

i am not sure if it is too much to have sunroof but i will only have sunroof after all other things have been done. i don't want to end up accessorising my car too much. ohh, if kenari cannot meet with my budget, then i might have to settle for kancil. if i were to have kancil, it will have the same look like how i want kenari to be. if kancil does not meet my budget, then i just have to settle for the bus. hahaha...i am trying to save as much as i can. if possible i don't want to pay more monthly installment so i have to come up with at least 10-15K downpayment. ohhh, i have to think of my course fees, my rent, my food and other miscellanneous fees, most importantly i have to think of my insurance. arrghh, it's not easy to prepare the stuffs you require for overseas studies especially money. but planning is made easy when you have sufficient money in hand. everything is within your reach when you have the means. no stress and no worries. i might have to work part time while studying. with transport of my own, i can go back to singapore as and when i can. i hope it is a smooth sailing for me, please make it easy for me.

the new car is cool. it's bright red in colour and shines brightly at any light that shines on it. there are many mazda on the road nowadays and i am not sure it is because we are driving one or it's just it. it has spacious leg room and that makes it comfortable. that's the reason why i have been going out often lately. dad said we need to warm the engine and get used to the car. the first trip we made with the car was to fetch mum from class. we brought hang tuah along and he left many of his fur in the car. we need to brush him more often nowadays cos he's been shedding lots of hair. i noticed that his hair come mostly from his tail cos that's where his hair is thick. when we got to the car park, we brought tuah out of the car and let him roam freely. he wasn't afraid only that he used the time sniffing to get used to the place. we went to changi for dinner after that and it all reminded me again of the flying waitress.

i can never not think of her everytime i am near to the airport. i think planes, tampines, pasir ris, changi and the airports will always remind me of her and i am going to live with it for the rest of my life. i wonder what makes her be reminded of me. *chuckles*

i chatted with a friend last night and it turned out to be an interesting conversation. it's been awhile since i had such conversation. it's not an intellectual conversation, it's just simple, plain, fun and most of all juicy conversations. she showed me a couple of her photographs and i conclude that she's sexy. she's lady like you know and i could easily fall for if i wanted to but that was just a silly idea. i have decided to call her Art, probably because i believe it suits her. art is attached and i usually chat with her on general stuffs and sometime, we exchanged grievances and share our predicaments. i dunno why she showed me a couple of her photos. i never asked her but she just showed me and i looked. i saw her ex partner and i saw her current partner. i didn't let her have my pictures. i grew sick and tired of letting people see me virtually. i stopped that habit a long time ago. it gives me no pleasure anymore, perhaps i have grown out of it and have matured with time living in the cyber world. gone are the days when i was the most popular chatter in the room.

i still remember it was at Anjungcafe where it all began. i like the chatters there and they are all good clean and civilise people. that's where i met nina and that's where it ended. that's where met aramis too. it's been 8 years now, look at how time flies by so quickly. i met too many people from there but i never revealed the real me to them. i regard that channel as a superior channel than any other channel i have chatted in. it is near to extinction right now and gone are the chatters who were the regulars there. i still keep in touch with a few of them. they are my most trusted and beloved friends. all of them waited patiently for me to be there and i am not sure how long they will wait some more. thinking back, i cannot help smiling and giggling at the sweet memories we have left in that channel. another channel i often frequented brought many friends to me too. they are the friends i still keep in touch till now. some have even become my confidante. can you believe that? look how technology have made two people become so close even though they are separated thousand miles away. distance is never going to be a problem anymore in this modern digital world.

go back to basics

dear diary,

i have planned my study time table and i must discipline myself to follow it. it will be a busy year and i cannot afford to jeopardise my time anymore. i have set aside my time for studies and nothing but studies. there isn't a slot for leisure at all. it's all about activities for self upgrading. i just realised that weekend is the only time i am available for the driving lessons and i hope my driving instructor can accomodate and understand my position. oh diary, have i told you that i have booked for my driving practical test and also apply for the provisional driving license?

my test date is on 29th july at 4.30 pm. the test centre is at Comfort in Ubi. that's where my brother took his driving test and he managed to pass at second try. i have gone for the first simulator lesson and it was fun. i learned how to get a car started and how to stop a car. i have some reading to do on the techniques but i haven't done so. i have forgotten how to start a car already. geess, i better start reading before my next lesson which is this saturday. the lesson will be conducted with a real car this time and i am sure the instructor expects me to know the basic rules of starting a car already. i really hope to pass the test at first try so i can start driving the car immediately.

the family car has auto transmission and it doesn't really gives me a good hands on experience driving it. the test car transmission system will be manual and i need to get used to driving manual car to pass. the rental of the car for test is much more expensive than the test fee. the package i took includes free rental of car on test date so if only i fail the test for a second time, then i have to pay the rental which is 100 bucks. it's so bloody expensive. 29th july is about 4 months away from now and i think i will have plenty of time to add extra 10 hours of lessons into the package.

diary, i am thinking about something but i don't know how to put it in words. it's about the future and how i want it to be. i don't know what's the best option that i have. things have been a little rough lately and it's hard for me to make a decision. i am a little lost now in terms of selecting the next path to take but i know where is my final destination. it's just how to get there is a little problem. there are many paths infront of me and each path will lead me to my final destination but i don't know which path to take because sacrifices have to be made for each path taken and i just don't know what is more important. i need to think about this carefully and weigh all the pros and cons before i come to a conclusion. perhaps i can carry out some sunnat prayers and seek help from god to help me make sound decision. i think i will do just that.

let' talk about the girls

dear diary,

i called taj mahal last night from the home phone and spoke to her about 15 minutes. it's been awhile since we last spoke on the phone. we had a lot to talk and eventually i had to put down the phone. i am not going to repeat history anymore. i have had enough of bills and i am enjoying the freedom of debt free. we had a lot to talk but we had to squeeze everything into the 15 minutes we had. it was good and i was happy to hear from her. i miss her voice and i miss being with her. she sounded happy last night, very cheerful and lively. the thing about taj mahal is that she made me want to be with her longer when i was with her. i enjoyed her company and i noticed that she looks even more sweeter if you care to look at her face longer. she has thick black long hair and it smells good after her shower. i remembered the time i kissed her forehead and her hair smells really good. i can never get enough of that.

surprisingly aramis text me 5 days ago. this is what they say, expect the things you least expect to happen. i never expected and hope to receive anymore text from her but i did. i was really surprise when i got the text. while i was reading the first text, came another text from her and another and another. there were 12 messages altogether and they all were my previous messages to her. she forwarded to me back the messages as though making an effort to tell me something through what i have said to her before. perhaps she was trying to remind me of my affections towards her or she wants me to know that she keeps almost all of my messages even if they are 1 year old. i replied her back but i did the same thing like what she did. i forwarded 8 of her previous messages to her and it stopped there.

i selected few important and significant ones to forward to her and i hope she gets what i mean. on that night, an earthquake hit indonesia off sumatera and penang felt that tremor just like how she felt the tsunami tremors. i read about it from the papers and i saw in the news that some residents of penang had to be evacuated from their houses and i knew at that time i had to text her. i just had to check on her and find out how she was doing. she replied me back instantly, she sounded happy in that sms and she thanked me for my concern. i knew then that both of us share the same feelings for each other. i bet she has a folder the stores all my messages to her just like how i do. i named that folder after the name i call her. just by looking at the folder with her name on it makes me feel so in love with her. i really do miss her and i hope one day we can be united as one.

my tuition is twice a week 2 hours per lesson. i don't have a fixed place but it is held at tampines or pasir ris most of the times. it looks like they are going to be the place i frequent most for the rest of the year. i am beginning to memorise the place and how to get around there. tampines is the only residential place that has many neighbourhood shopping centre. i often get lost when i am there. that's where i met flying waitress for the first time. it's quite far from my place if you take the train but it can be near by road. there are bus service from my place to tampines nowadays and it can be very convenient.

it was so long ago but i can still recall how i felt when i met her. the friendship didn't last long, it was shortlived by some silly childish assumptions. i can't tell how it happened because i was totally lost when it was happening. out of a sudden, she became very quiet, like a total stranger. no explanations, no details no stories. i got the message so i left her alone and only then she bothered to explain. she could have done so earlier without making me feel like a bloody fool. i lost steam already when she did her explanations and so i wasn't really interested anymore. the more i heard her reasoning, the more i grew disinterested in her. it's not her fault but it's the situation that makes me sick. i feel like a complete jerk. there i was, thinking and wondering what could i have done wrong that made her grew quiet with me. honestly, i am dissapointed with how things had work out between us.

i never tried to come on to her i never tried to sweet talk her, i didn't even ask for her number when we chatted. it was given to me and i called her. perhaps how i treat my friend is a little too much for some people but i swear i never can recall if i had gone overboard. things became awkward after the explanations and i became rude and blunt with her. i was thinking, how easy it was for her to stay quiet with me for reasons only god knows and how easy it was for her to come and talk to me when she feels like it. no offence but i am human and i don't wish to get entangle with relationship politics. it makes me sick and i have had enough issues of my own to settle than being the person people can accuse again for a sour relationship. it's all the same with bermuda triangle and the best option is to leave it alone.

i did sms her once after those time because i was honestly thinking of her when i was skating at east coast. there were too many planes and the skate i was wearing reminded me of her too cos i knew she skates as well. after that, i knew then it is best to leave things alone, both of us have got nothing to lose anyway. it was just for awhile, we were ok before we knew each other and i am sure we are ok when we become strangers. it's back to square one however, i cannot deny that i have this strange feelings everytime i am at tampines. it's crazy...

intellect overrides humility

dear diary,

it's been a while since i wrote and please accept my apology as i have been busy dreaming of the things yet to come for me. furthermore, the cable service was down and that only puts me in a better position not to write. anyway, i am back now and i have got a whole more interesting stories to share with you that i do not know where to begin.

my studies have been going smoothly for me. i have changed my study techniques and i grasp what is taught to me more easily now. the trick is all about understanding what you learn, what you read and what is required of you to answer the questions. constant practice makes it a whole lot easier to equip yourself for the examinations. i am improving and that puts a smile on my face everyday. i have engaged a tutor and she is just another source of motivations for me. she's sweet you know diary. the simple but intelligent kind of girl that you don't get a lot nowadays. i notice that girls nowadays are becoming more beautiful but with smaller brains or intelligent but demanding. in fact some women are becoming so intellectually advanced that they begin to challenge the basic rules of Islam. have you heard of the woman professor teaching Islamic history in one of the university in america?

she created news and stir emotions when she led the friday prayer in a christian chappel with men and women as her makmum. she claimed that she was doing that to show to the world and fellow muslims that women share equal rights with men in Islam. she wants to uphold her belief that women are on the same par with men and there are no differences between a man and a woman. i understand her motive and her intention but i cannot and will not accept her actions even though i am a woman myself who have always believe that women are as capable as men in almost all aspects of life. she is a professor and i can say an educated woman with educational background she can be proud of but whatever happens to her modesty, i do not know.

in her crusade to uphold her belief, she fails to take into considerations the law of Sufi and the fundamentals of Islam that no women can lead a prayer when there are men as makmum. women are allowed to lead congregational prayers only for fellow women. her act has violated the very basic rules of Islam and ultimately challenge Allah. it's scary to live in a society where intellect has taken over humility and common sense that people do not think logically anymore. it's all about the rights of an individual or a group of people without properly looking at things more deeply than taking the course of actions to state the rights. it can be very dissapointing and shocking and i hope Muslim are not easily influenced by such baseless acts to promote the rights of an individual or any group of people at the expense of their faith.

the past weekend was full of activities and i made some changes to my room. i rearrange the furniture to suit my needs and i am loving my room even more. i began to appreciate it and love being in my room more nowadays. the previous arragement of the furniture was fine but it was hard for me to watch tv while studying at the same time cos i had to turn my head and it can be troublesome and painful after awhile. i rearranged the bed horizontally across the room and this arrangement allows me to watch the tv while studying or surfing the internet simultaneously. my room looks more organise now and tidy. i put my keyboard underneath the window and this makes hang tuah a frequent visitor to my room cos he loves to climb onto the keyboard to have a better view of outside.

he's getting more naughtier and bold nowadays. i caught him going outside the window and rested on the railing beyond the boundary he was not supposed to cross. i took him back inside and reprimanded him, flicking his ears so that he knows i was serious. i am worried about him cos if he slipped and fell, he could have injured himself. there are many cases where cats died from falling from high rise buildings. i live on the second floor and i bet he would not have died if he were to fall but still, i am not going to take the risk of him injuring himself even if it's a minor bruise. he's so adorable and i love him so much to watch him suffer or hurt himself unnecessarily. thus, i only make it a habit of opening the window on that side only when i am in my room so that i can watch over him.

my toe is getting better and the pain is gone. i went to the polyclinic and got myself some medications and a medical certificate valid for a day. it was a female doctor and she's sweet as well. very nice smooth complexion, almost flawles. i asked her if she could write me a letter so i can go for a minor surgery, she took a look at my toe and suggested to take anti biotics and some other medications. she also gave me some prescribed washing solutions to wash the wound. i have not been washing it but i take the medicines regularly. the doctor advised me to compulsorily finish the anti biotics course. she reminded me to pay her a visit again if my toe does not get well.

oh you know, chicken pie called me on friday evening before my tuition and she teased me for going out on a date when i was actually going for my tuition. i told her that but she just continued teasing me. chicken pie has been very nice to me and supportive of what i do. i know she is sincere with me when she never fails to call me at least once in 2 weeks. she used to call me everyday without fail and each phone call would last for 30 minutes at least. she stopped doing that when the bill came and she explained to me why she can't call me as often as before anymore. i truly appreciate her and i think she is honestly genuine with me. having her as a gf would make my life more organise and pleasant cos she is matured and she's the no-nonsense kind of girl. so far, we get along well and i know i would be happy with her.

but having a relationship commiment is not what i am looking for, for now. i have got too many plans drawn up for myself and long distance relationship demands a whole lot of deal for me. apart from money, time and patience play a part. i really don't know what am i going to do after this year and if i ever going to stick to my plan of moving away from here. the future seems uncertain now and i am still keeping my options open. as much as i want to get away from here, i also do not want to have financial burden of paying the school fees. i also do not want to move there with no strong financial back up. mum has agreed to finance my studies but i have other things to take into considerations as well such as my monthly insurance premiums. i still want to continue paying the insurance premiums even when i am away cos those insurance act as savings as well as protection for me. with no agenda for marriage, and the wait i have to endure to adopt children, insurance is the only thing i can rely on to give me a sense of security and i am not going to risk losing the only security i have.

i did not go to the cemetery the past weekend cos dad brought mum with him. it's been awhile since mum last visited the cemetery. she has to work on weekends and that hinders her from going to the cemetery frequently. since mum accompanied dad to the cemetery, i had that sunday morning to myself and i took my time doing the things i needed to do.

mum told me the other day that my aunt asked about my status, whether am i single or dating someone. i think i have created some concern among my aunts because most of my female cousins my age, older or younger have got married or engaged while i still have no news for them on my eligibility. when i think i will not be affected by people's perceptions and scrutiny, i am beginning to feel the pressure and for the first time afraid that i might have to get married to avoid being question. it's not like i am easily giving in but honestly, i have to be single minded about what i want in life especially when it comes to marriage. marriage is a lifetime commitment and if i am half hearted about doing it and if i am not 100 percent sure i can do it, then i might as well lead my life the way it is now.

one thing i have to bear in mind is that i am not straight and to commit myself in marriage is definitely a tall order for me. i have told myself repeatedly that even if i have changed and have left my life as a lesbian, it is hardly that i will get married eventually. it's just not on my mind and i don't think i can do it. i am just different and it's hard to explain. i really don't know what's going to happen but that's all i can say for now and i am contented with the way i am now. it is definitely not easy to be a lesbian. it's tough and there are many things you have to endure and face apart from knowing the fact that it's a big sin to have sexual relationships with people of the same gender and you may be condemn in hell for practising life as gay. i don't know what to do diary.

i know where to seek help but i don't want to stop myself from feeling loved by fellow women. in simple terms i don't want to change. although i can refrain myself from sex but i cannot refrain myself from loving another woman unless a miracle happens that turn me into a straight person one day after i woke up from sleep. i feel sorry for my family and i feel lousy sometimes. every time i pray, i never dared to ask god to take me back to the correct path because i need to feel loved by fellow women to go on with life. doesn't matter if i can have them as my girl friend or not, i just love the attentions and care from women and living without them is like living without a soul, so empty and lifeless.

marrying your wife and her family

Dear diary,

dad did not go to malacca with the rest of them and ended up staying at home with me. i kind of knew this would happen because dad always have this 'thing' about mingling with mum's relatives. i just couldn't figure out what is his problem. i would have understand if mum were to be like that but i cannot think of any reasons why dad would behave as such towards mum's relatives. as far as i know, they never offended or provoked dad in any way let alone us, his children. all i can say is, dad is being unfair and difficult. there are always some things that are not pleasant to him when it comes to mum's relatives, there are always more wrongs than rights and more inconveniences than conveniences. i cannot understand and somehow i cannot accept his attitude but i know to question his motives would be too much for him to answer thus i leave him alone with his ego.

to analyse things in details, dad's relatives have always been the one who created endless controversies. if i am not wrong, right after all of us were born, things were not a good sailing for mum. many things happened till i cannot even write it down here. my little brother was taken away, we were tormented and torn apart, ridiculed and looked down at, in simple plain english, we were despised and hated so much by them. i grew up with a very detached feelings towards them. i never understand why but i knew they hated mum so much and the hatred they have for mum was extended to her children as well. automatically, we became victims of intense hatred just for being who we are. it was sad but the three of us were mighty strong. we took every criticism, every ridicule and every condemnation like a grown up man.

we took everything thrown at us bravely in our stride, never flinching, never breaking down and never afraid. i was always quiet when they attacked us verbally. balim and bakim were the ones who defended mum. even though they were young and small in size, they defended mum like how all sons should. this is what they say, it's not the size of the dog that matters but it is always the size of the fight in the dog that matters. they were very brave and fearless and in their children's voice, they talked back to them with whatever they could. ayat was excluded because he was never one of us. since they took him away, they loved him like he was god. he was showered with gifts, love, attention and care that my parents can never afford to give him. he had an easy and pampered childhood. he was brought up to be a coward and a liar. he was brought up to be irresponsible. i knew why they took him away and i never can accept the reasons nor will i understand. they are all pigs as far as i am concern.

i feel sad diary. i feel angry with them. it has been a long time ago but the anger i have for them is snowballing. it's getting obvious since the day bakim died. i told mum that i only know i have two brothers instead of three. ayat will never be a part of us. he may be my biological brother but he will never be regarded as a family. the bond that i have with him is too thin to resemble a sibling's bond. it's impossible to make it one. he doesn't even recognise mum's relatives by heart and how is he supposed to be regarded as one of us? we may be related by blood but i doubt the phrase blood is thicker than water can apply to our relationship.

he is a good brother but not good enough to make me acknowledge him. perhaps it is not entirely his fault, if they had not taken him away from me, probably i would acknowledge him. this is why i was angry with them and i still am. i am dissapointed, heartbroken, upset and angry for what thay have done and i am not sure if i can ever forgive them truthfully. bakim's death only made it worse and it adds on to the miseries of having one more less siblings. i have a habit of replacing any of my lost belonging immediately, it helps ease the pain a little but i cannot feed the habit when it comes to bakim's death. it is impossible beyond any means and regretfully i have to live with it. i just have to...untill we will all meet in paradise when we are all free from any sins.

endless fury till i die

dear diary,

there's a relative of ours who is in the hospital and he is in a critical condition. he's a relative by marriage and i didn't really know him until i followed my parents to visit him in the hospital. he met with an accident at work and he has been in a comatose since then. he fell from a container and i assumed he hit his head first since doctors said there's a fracture in his skull at his forehead. no one saw how he fell but he was assumed to experienced a blackout first before he fell and hit his head against the pallette. he's married with 3 children and the youngest is only 12 years old. it's so sad for the family, he is the sole breadwinner of the family and i hope his family remains strong come what may. the doctors said that he has no hope of surviving and they only give him 30 hours. he is on a life support machine and it's all up to his family. i feel sorry for his family and i feel what they are feeling right now. it's so sad and i think all they can do right now is to pray and hope for a miracle.

diary, my toe is killing me. it hurts so much that i have difficulty taking wudhu and even shower. everytime the water hits the wound at the toe, it gives me a stinging pain. i am so afraid that people might just accidentally stepped on it. i am always very careful since i have this on my toe. i walked with cautious and i stay away from crowds to avoid them from stepping on my toe. mum told me to go to the polyclinic and get a prescription to go to the hospital for a minor surgery. i inherited this from dad, all my siblings have this kind of problems with our toe nails. if we happened to clip it wrongly, then the problems occurs. dad and my bro have gone for the operations and they have got no similar problems since. i am not sure if i want to go for the operation. i have this 'thing' about hospital. if i can avoid it, i will do anything to avoid it. i hate to be hospitalised and i hate to be diagnosed by the nurses or the doctors. basically, i hate people to 'check' on my body. ohh geeez, i really don't know what to do with myself sometimes. i hate to go through all these hassles. i think i will wait for a couple of days more and if things do not get better, then i'll go.

taj mahal text me last night and asked what is the currency exchange rate. i replied her back and asked why has she been quiet lately. as i figured, it's her school that's making her busy and probably didn't have much time to sms. i understand, anyway we are not attached and i have no reasons to question her neither does she. i haven't been calling or sending her sms either. i have been busy myself but i do have time to text to her if i want to but somehow i just think that's it's not right. i don't know diary, i feel that she is thinking about things and thinks that it's not necessary for her to send me news daily. school is another reason but i strongly believe there are other reasons as well. perhaps reality has hit on her as it has for me.

i began to realise that we are not attached and she has told me that she will not offer any promises and so i figured, yeah, i have no promises to offer her as well. she hardly expresses herself when it's about love and it's hard to hear her heart speaks. i never ask her anymore and i never wish to. things are better left alone when you are not ready for any commitments now. i told her about my toe and she said it might be 'cagu'. i don't know what the hell is that and she explained to me. i never heard of 'cagu' before and it really sounded foreign to me.

i am going to the cemetery this friday alone. my family will be away in malacca and i am home alone. i need to bring some scissors, water bottles and gloves. i am going to trim the mini trees on his grave. i think there are about 15 of them on his grave and they have grown big and out of size. i need to trim them nicely this friday so they all look of the same size and uniform. currently, they are all over the grave and have grown uneven. dad has stopped buying flowers and instead use the money to donate it to the mosque on behalf of my brother.

i think that is more appropriate and a good thing to do. we get nothing out of the flowers placed on his grave. they will wither and die and it symbolises nothing except that his grave has been visited. however, donations on behalf of him brings a lot of benefits to him and it can be an investment for him on judgement day. i totally support what my dad has decided to do and i think i will continue to do the same thing for every one of my loved one.

i spoke to mum about trouble and in the middle of the discussion, i got emotional. i am so annoyed with him and i have lost all respect towards him. i have said something that was rude and quite hurtful. he was not given away but he was taken away. there was no agreement, no permissions seeking session, no official contract about him. it was all based on verbal request and my dad obliged because it concerned his family. i was never close to him like a brother to a sister but we are more of a pair of cousins and he's bonding with my parents are never of a parents to son relationship but it's more of a parents to nephew kind of a relationship.

i still feel the anger now that my brother was taken away from my family but i am more angrier when they do not do a good job bringing him up. all these while, i have believe that when a child is taken away from his biological parents to be put under the care of a guardian who acts as parents, that parents must take full responsibility of that child. his basic necessities such as education, food, clothings and personal well-being must be paid attention to.

if that parents are bold enough to take him away without seeking permission then i will assume that they are also bold enough to face the consequences. it is to their advantage if the child turns out to be an angel and it is to their disadvantage if the child turns out to be a devil. however, they must never run away from their responsibility or shift the responsibility back to the biological parents when the child made a mistake that seems too much for them to take. it is unfair to the biological parents and it is so selfish of them to do so. this is what happens to trouble and i never like a bit about this. i have been tolerating and i have been holding back my resentment for too long. i cannot live in denial anymore.

i told mum frankly that in my mind, there are only 5 of us and right now it has gone down to 4 of us. i never take trouble to be in the family because i know it's pointless. the family bonding is never strong and he is rarely with us physically, i see no reasons to include him. i never deny the blood ties but in my case, blood is not always thicker than water. i am fed up with all of them, i despise them all and i would never want to be nice with them anymore.

allow me to make them happy

dear diary,

 my weekend has been hectic as usual. it seems that it is going to go on like this for a couple of months until end of the year. saturday morning was spent doing the laundry, vacuuming and mopping the house. i cleaned the kitchen, the hall and the rooms. i left home early on saturday to go to the driving school to register for my practical lessons. i paid a lump sum of close to 720 bucks and my first lesson is this thursday for a simulator training. the car used for practice is honda civic and the driving centre is at Comfort. i went there with hulk and we went for lunch after that. it has really been a long time since i ate at Arnolds. the last time i ate there when i was 12 years old and the fastfood restaurant still exist till today.

they serve chicken and they taste so much better than KFC. we had a very quick lunch cos hulk needed to get to his workplace at 1.30 and by the time i finished with the enrollment it was 1250. we didn't eat in a hurry but it was a very quick lunch. hulk left for work and i went straight to darul arqam to check some books at their book shop. i needed to look for some islamic religious knowledge textbooks and i was so glad i managed to find them. i went straight to the prayer's room to perform zuhur and i took my time to say my prayers.

my quran class only starts at 230 so i had plenty of time. the surrounding was serene and i felt as if i was enveloped in tranquility. the quran class was fine and there were quite a few students absent. we are advancing to a further stage and i really have to practice more. the thing about me is i am a fast learner but i also am a forgetful one. i need constant practice to be able to read perfectly if not close to perfect. there are many characters that i must be able to identify especially after they have been written cursively or merged with other characters. ustaz told us to differentiate the characters from each other by looking at the dots first. i missed last week's lesson and i knew they had learnt 'sukun'. i was blur at the beginning of the lesson but i soon caught up with them since i now know what does 'sukun' means.

we are advancing to 'kasrah' and most probably we will reach 'Dammah' anytime soon. in my opinion, ustaz is a good teacher but i do wish he would slow down a bit. he is really moving at high speed with us and i have to admit i have difficulty catching up if i missed the lesson prior to the current one. nevertheless, he is a very patient man and i think we are all adults and we should practice on our own if we are poor instead of waiting for the teacher to spoonfeed us. you know diary, there is a girl in my class, i think she is in her mid or late 20's. she looks arab and perhaps she is a pakistani and i think she is a flight attendant. she absents too often but makes an effort to come and learn diligently when she is present. she is pretty, tall and sexy and when she comes into the class, all eyes will be looking at her cos i assumed students are mesmerized by her beauty even the ustaz is i think. i never talk to her because i never had the opportunity. there are not many interactions in the class among the students cos everybody mind their own business and furthermore this is not a full time class in school or an institution, therefore class interactions is minimal.

i must go to comfort driving school this saturday to register for my practical test and also apply for my PDL. looks like i have to spend more money and be ready to see that the statement for my bank account is shrinking this month. i might be going alone unless chicken pie does not cancell her plan and make it here on friday. we met online last night and she told me she might be coming and if she doesn't go to the cruise, she is free and asked if she's able to put up at my house. i really don't mind cos i will be alone anyway and traveller could not make it. i can make room for a guest over this weekend. i thought it was only her that's coming until she told me she might bring her cousin. i don't mind but i hope they can get comfortable with what i have to offer.

i really don't understand how chicken pie plans her holiday. she should be able to tell me if she is going for the cruise or not last night because i am sure bookings have to be made earlier, deposits should have been paid in advance and leave from work must be applied as well. it seems unusual for a person who is going for a cruise to be telling me that she's not sure if she's going or not when the boat is leaving this weekend. i didn't ask her much cos it just didn't occur to me at that time. i told her directly to confirm with me if she is coming over or not and if she is, how many is she bringing along so that i can make rooms for them. she always seem to be the one to cancell the plan and i make sure that i will not be too excited this time.

tentatively she told me she might arrive at midnight cos she will be taking the 6pm coach from kl to singapore, obviously she has to work on friday and this only enforces my thought of how funny and unlikely she plans her holiday. i told her that she might have to take the cab to my house if she arrives after midnight. i have no one to fetch her since everbody is not at home and the car is out as well. the cab would be expensive if she takes after midnight, after midnight surcharge is included, it would be about 20-30 dollars and that is definitely very expensive in RM. i wish i had gotten my driving license already so i could fetch her from the checkpoint. my test date would probably be in july and if i pass at the first try, then i shall be able to drive by july this year.

my toe is at its worst diary. the bleeding doesn't stop and definitely the pain hasn't go away. the only treatment i give my toe is an hour of soaking with salt water and a few drops of dettol. the cut at the toe become soggy and it removes all the dried blood that's been clogging the cut. however, the wound is still open and this led to bleeding every night. it realy hurts and i cannot pray as usual. i have to pray like how my mum prays. i feel like i am becoming an old woman who needs to sit to perform the prayer. it tickles me and i am getting comfortable praying like that. the pain comes and goes and when it comes i feel like my toe is pounding. i have never experience something like this before, it hurts a lot. i hope it gets better soon cos i really miss skating and there's a long distance skating by skateline this saturday evening and i hope i can make it there if my toe gets well by then.

pizza called me and asked if i want to join them for dinner this thursday night. it's just going to be the girls and the boys are not coming. toothpick, extrovert, DHL and pizza will be there since asthma couldn't make it. i am a bit reluctant to go cos i never want to be in the group. i prefer to be an individual and i don't hang out much with them. they are all my cousins and cousins by marriage. i am neither distant nor close with them but i choose not to be very close with them. it's better that way so things will not be blown out of proportion cos we are family and if a little misunderstanding happens, things can get ugly for an indefinite period of time. i never had any problems with them and i would like to keep it that way.

i am closer with pizza and asthma cos we are cousins by blood and grew up together. the rest are all friends of pizza and it's just amazing how friends can turn to cousins. pizza really has a way of making people bond or perhaps it is just coincidence that two of her friends have joined our family thus pizza is inevitably closer to them than i am to them. i am not jealous since i have been close with pizza all my life but things have got rusty since she is married. furthermore, i notice that i have grown quiet with age and i have become anti-social a bit but it only happens with my relatives, i don't know why. probably because i am sad and always think it is unfair.

i have lost a brother and my family is not expanding. neither my brother and i are getting married and our family nucleus does not consists of new members for sure. pizza and asthma are siblings, both of them are married. my family is closer to theirs and everytime i look at their family i always feel that i need to do something to make my family grows. marriage seems to be so foreign to me and i don't think i will have flesh and blood from my own womb. i have plans of my own and adoption is the only answer if i want to have my own family when marriage is not in my agenda. however, i still have to complete my studies first before i am able to adopt. i am single minded about it and i love big families. don't be surprise if i am adopting 4 orphans and they are 2 boys and 2 girls.

actually, i have got their names ready and i hope i am allowed to live in this world longer so i can give the names to the kids and provide them with a home, care and love. and please God, lengthen my parent's lives too cos i know they are dying to have grandchildren they can call their own and if adopted grandchildren is what i can offer them, please let them love the kids like their own unconditonally.

have i lost it all?

dear diary,

for the first time after bakim's death, mum spoke to me openly about how she feels. i listened to her attentively and tried very hard to hold back my tears. she cried and there were tears in my eyes, i looked away to wipe the tears. i hate to cry infront of people. i don't know why but i have the habit since young and it is a habit hard to break.

i feel that i should only cry when i am alone and no one should ever see me cry. most of the times, i tried to uphold that belief but i have to admit defeat at some point of time. having to watch mum cried so sadly like that made my heart breaks into millions of pieces. i feel that i am drowning in my own sorrow and it is so hard to get to the surface to breath. i wish i could do something to make her smile again, i wish i could kiss all her worries and sadness away and grant her a life full of joy and happiness. i never want to see her in that state again and i hope she will be strong enough to face all hardships and adversities in the time to come. i have made a promise to myself that i will stand behind her all the way however she needs me, through thick and thin, through sickness and in good health, i will bend till i break till there's no more to give, if that's what it takes.

the car is allocated and we are required to make further payments to Mazda. dad is taking charge of everything and i just let it be. i am not involve with the purchase of the car and i shall not interfere. i have seen it many times and i knew how it looks like. it's quite tall like Hyundai Matrix and it looks big from the outside. oh yes, talking about cars, i have found myself a suitable private driving school which charges reasonably. i am paying one lump sump and i don't have to worry about anything else after that. i only have to worry about the test booking fees, PDL application and circuit training rental. the one picked up my call was fairly polite and sounded professional. his english was good and understandable. he explained to me comprehensively volutarily without waiting for me to ask questions. that showed an initiative to make me attracted to what the driving school has to offer. i took down their full address and will be there tomorrow to register. it's at geylang serai and it's so near to darul arqam where i have my quran class.

i hope they have a slot on saturday morning for me so that i can go for quran class immediately after driving class. however, the test centre is at Ubi and it is an area known for its high traffic round the clock. but i am not too worried about that since, i know 4 people who took their license there privately and passed as well. my brother took his there and i don't see why i should be afraid of the place. once again it's all mind over body, don't be afraid and have confidence in yourself. get rid of all the bad thoughts and have a clear mind when you want to embark on something. things will be fine and will be smooth when you do not anticipate fear.

chicken pie text me again last night and i didn't reply her back. i wanted to reply her back but i took my time and i saw her online, i kind of get the feeling that she was upset with my attitude. we didn't chat much, i told her i was about to reply her when she came online and i don't think she could stomach that. i really don't know what's wrong with me. it's like i am keeping away from all the girls. i haven't talk to taj mahal regularly now, i haven't talk to chicken pie like before now and i don't care if aramis text me or doesn't anymore, in fact i couldn't be bothered about anything else except for my driving class, studies, work and family. it seems that i have lost interest in having intimate friendships with anyone anymore.

i am not sure but i just prefer to do my own things nowadays. taj mahal has been quiet too probably because of her exam. it's in june and i know she's busy with her revision and studying. law is something where you need to do a lot of reading with understanding, a lot of analysis, research and thinking. i miss her everytime i think of her, and i can never explain why things happened so fast between us. perhaps i have this thing about dark women, particularly North Indians. i can easily get attracted to them and my eyes can never look away from them if i happen to come across them in Public.

diary, i got to go. need to read up on somehting.later.

everything comes with a price

dear diary,

my friend finally called me tonight and gave me her hotel and room number so that i can reach her to meet for dinner. this will be my first time meeting her and i hope things will be fine. i have spoken to her on the phone before and judging from there, i know we can click. she is about my age or probably younger and i don't think she is attached.

oh i have to tell you that chicken pie called again last night just to wish me good night. she is on her exercise routine and she told me she wants to have a tummy like mine. i giggled at her statement and ask what kind of tummy does she think i have when she has not seen i bare my tummy yet. she giggled and i somehow i knew she wants to shed off a few kilos. in my opinion, she's overweight for her height but it really does not matter to me if i were to take her as my gf. anyone else would think the same too right? if you have fallen for someone, size does not matter. it is not like i am going to take her as my gf but i am just talking in general. she has sweet face however and a very nice voice.

i have check the website for some very important things to do and it looks like i have to re-adjust my budget to meet the needs. sacrifices have to be made and i guess i am making one. you will see a new more slimmer me in a year's time. hahaha well a man got to do what a man got to do. i am single minded about it and by hook or by crook, i will get it. it's not so difficult as it seems it is if you set your mind to it and go all out to achieve it. mind over body that's what they say.

my schedule is getting tighter and tighter after this. this year really marks the year for my revolution. i got a tutor for myself and i hope she's pretty. she's indian muslim and i think she's a convert cos she's the only one in her family who is a muslim. she's staying in tampines and i have to be there on every saturday after my quran class. oh yes, talking about quran, i just remembered that i have to register for the quran class module 2 by end of this month since module one is ending soon. ohh man, gosh it looks like i have to utilise my savings first. i have to pay a lot this month, my one time tuition registration fees, quran module 2 registration fees, PDL registration fees, practical driving lessons registration fees and my practical test fees. i think it all adds up to 700-800 bucks. oh boy, i am really going to become just flesh and bone soon. it is just my luck that every registration happens to be at the same time. i have a choice to bring forward my driving matters registration but i don't want to wait anymore cos i cannot afford to do so.

i really have to do a lot of reading this time, it seems that all the subjects demand lots of reading with in depth understanding. i can make it, i know i can, i know i will. hahaha, have you noticed how people motivate themselves diary? they give themselves all these encouraging talks, speeches to boost self esteem and confidence. but sometimes, people lose steam very fast and early and if they do not make an effort to remotivate themselves, all the effort will go down the drain. no victory, no success, no triumph and no glory. i hope i don't become like that. i bet if we do a survey, we will get a very surprise figures at how many people in this world today are doing the jobs they don't desire to do.

they are only doing it because of lack of opportunities, lack of educational qualifications or probably they just don't get lucky. i know many of my friends who became what they are for their parents. lawyers, doctors, engineers, professional designations but not what they wanted to be from young. well, i don't know how did i manage to break away from it all but i am sure my parents know that i am a bull that is not easily tamed, once provoked i will be very hostile with everyone in my way.

you know what, i have lots on my mind, and i have not stop thinking till this very moment, and when i am thinking of something else when i am doing something else, i cannot do it right. to get it right is to stop doing the other while doing the other, get what i mean? but i cannot stop thinking and therefore, i think it is better for me to stop writing now and focus on my thinking. good day diary.

let's get going with the license

dear diary,

i have to wait till saturday to apply for my PDL as the traffic police office closes at 5 daily and i cannot be there before 5. i have to be a morning person this saturday and get there before 12 to apply for my PDL and at the same time book my practical test. i might have to spend about 100 bucks for the registration fees. i hope the driving instructor has a slot for me to fill on sunday morning cos i want to get started with my practical once i get my PDL. I cannot afford to waste anymore time. i feel like i am in a race to get my license since almost all my cousins have got theirs.

a friend from KL is coming over and it looks like i have to make time to meet her. i sent her a sms to meet on friday evening. she's putting up at lion city hotel and i think i will take her dinner to hajah maimunah to have a taste of singapore malay food. hajah maimunah is a popular restaurant in geylang and it serves good and tasty food at reasonable price. the concept is fun and simple but the food sure taste excellent. one thing i like about hajah maimunah is, it has this 'be generous' policy towards their customers in all their staffs. the portion given to you is big and you will never feel cheated when eating there. be it from the dishes to snacks to deserts, you name it, it's like you can eat all you want.

the deserts is self service and you can take how much you want even if it reaches to the rim of the bowl. that's what i would say, good business etiquette. their business is thriving and people come non-stop and i assume it is all because of their generosity, sincerity and honesty in giving service to the people. i have a lot of respect for businesses like this. i am not religious but i have always believe, when you do business with sincerity, generosity, integrity and dignity, you will always be blessed by up above. it has been said that if we give away one to charity, we will be rewarded 10 times more than what we gave. hajah maimunah is a good place to eat and i will definitely bring her there. she has been here for a couple of times only i did not have the chance to meet cos of my tight schedule nowadays.

i really hope she will be able to make it cos i have an appointment with my insurance agent this thursday and i have to be at the driving school on saturday morning to apply for my PDL and i have my quran class in the afternoon after that. if she is not able to make it, then it looks like we have to meet some other time whenever she is here again. this time round, i have to meet her and bring her to dinner. i hope she can make it cos she is here for work and i don't know what's her schedule like. i am still waiting for her reply until then i shall reserved friday evening for her.

little sister is very quiet and i am sensing something that is not right. she was in trouble with herself and i sent her email scolding her. i guess it was a bit harsh and direct. i didn't sound mean but i knew i sounded firm and dissapointed with her. she replied me back and she was so sorry for what she did and she sounded very apologetic. she did mention she will tell her parents about what she did and i think she has done so now. her parents might be very worried and dissapointed with her too and she is probably not allowed to go online anymore.

geeess, i wish i had never said to her those stuffs. i wish i had never made her feel so bad and guilty about what she did. oh man, i am worried about her. i don't know what's going on with her. she might have gone back to sabah i think and could be under tight supervision by her parents. little sister, i am sorry to have put you into trouble, all i wanted was for you to stop doing the things you do. i just want you to be healthy that's all. ohh damn...i wish she would have taken her time before being too honest with her parents. i just wish she would have waited for my email before she does anything silly. i feel so sorry for her, sometimes i wish i were there so that i can take good care of her and advise her. she's so pampered you know, very adorable and sweet. she explained why she stopped calling me big sister, she had a crush on me cos i am too nice and kind to her. well, i am beginning to feel that being too kind and nice can be hazardous. but it's only a crush and crush usually doesn't last long. i miss her, i miss my little sister and i hope she is fine and in good condition. please take away all worries and sadness from her.

i received a sms from russia 5 days ago. it was short but sincere message. i replied her back, told her about the driving progress. sometimes i feel like going back to her but i am so afraid to hurt her again. she is a good person and someone i know i can depend on when i am in need. i wanted to ask her to come over my house this good friday since there's a holiday and my family is out. but i don't think it's a good idea, i don't know diary. i want her to come over and just stay here for the weekend but i am just so scared that we might get too carried away and i don't want her to think anything negative. it's very awkward now but i hope things will be back to normal without the intimacy involve.

traveller and i are chatting more often than before. she's always online nowadays and it is inevitable for us not to exchange news even for awhile. she's out of job and is looking for one but there is a restriction for her cos she has to be with her parents since most of her siblings have got married and moved out of the house. i understand how she feels and we have become close again and it makes me appreciate her for who and what she is. i wonder sometimes how would it be like if she and i are still together. it's so long ago, almost 8 years and we are still keeping in touch. i saw the change in her and perhaps she saw the change in me as well.

traveller is a good person and i never could once recall if she ever hurt my feelings when we were a thing. it was always i who hurt her. she was always tolerant of my nonsense while i was totally the opposite, easily angered at her slightest mistakes, always taking her love for granted. i hope she knows that i am sorry for being such a jackass while i was with her. i guess she's one of my buddies who could put up with my impatient, hot tempered stubborn attitude. i just realised that i have been overlooking the fact that traveller is one good friend i have been ignoring. i made a promise to myself that traveller will always have a place right here in my heart.

bring back the joy

dear diary,

i am not so sure if i am coming down with fever again. the headache is gone but my body feels warm now and i can feel that my head is slightly pounding. my eyeballs are warm. i might have to take some panadols later on and drink some fresh orange juice. i think my body lacks a lot of Vitamin C and water. i have came down with fever for a few times this month and each fever lasted for 3 days. they are not serious but it's happening too often. i might have to go for a check up soon if it gets too often like this. dengue fever is on the rise here and there are fatal cases near to my residence.

i called a private instructor last night and made some enquiries. i have to get my Provisional Driving license(PDL) first before i can start my practical lessons since i am not going to study as a student in the school. his name is Mr. Toh and honestly, i had a hard time understanding his english. it was neither good nor bad but it was below average. while i was talking to him i was thinking, how the hell am i suppose to learn driving from you when i can't understand you fully?

this is the problem with private driving instructors. if you happen to have an old chinese speaking driving instructor, then you might have a problem communicating and understanding. i hope he can speaks malay so that we can communicate in malay. he told me, from mon to fri 9-5pm the cost fee is 22 dollars per hour and from mon-fri after 5, weekends and public holiday, would be 24 dollars an hour. i told him i will apply for my PDL first and will be contacting him soon after that. i will have to go to the driving school this afternoon to book for my practical test. i hope i get an earlier date and do not have to wait for 6 months. private students are prone to get a late test date that is why people choose to register as a student in school than taking privately. however, we also cannot deny it's much cheaper to take private than as a student in school.

chicken pie called me up last night and asked if i want to join her for a holiday in perhentian island in june. she will be there for a week and that's way too long for me. if i could go, i would go with her cos i want to spend quality time with her. she was hoping for me to go as well but i have to turn down her offer. i felt bad towards her but i hope i can make it up to her one day. she's been inviting me to join her for holidays a couple of times and i have been declining her offers politely. it's not that i don't want to go but i can't. i explained to her and she understands.

i hope she really understands and will not think otherwise when i decline her offers. what tickled me about her invitation was the fact that she hoped we can go and take our scuba diving course together. i giggled to myself and she kind of just remembered that i am afraid of waters. she laughed at herself and told me i could stay on the boat and watch her swim. ohh yeahhh, i would really love to see her in swimming suit, two piece please. *giggles mischieviously* i think she knew she was a little bit too pushy with me when she offered me a ride from JB to KL the other day, this time, she made it a point to ask me if she were too pushy with me and if she was, she's sorry.

i like her this time, she seems sensitive about how i feel and tried not too push it too far. we talked a little bit about her x gf and i asked her why does she need someone to divert her attention. she seemed to have realised that she shouldn't have said that to me, she said she has poured out her predicaments to the wrong person and she apologised and told me it was a small matter. i didn't mind if she wants someone to listen to her problems but it's difficult for me to do so since we are living in two different countries and communications by technologies is costly. but i cannot help to wonder does she only look for me whenever she needs someone to divert her attention from her ex? it can be quite controversial making that statement to me and that explains why she claimed she had said it to the wrong person. i can only smile at her blunder, if only i were there infront of her, i would really love to see the expression on her face.

hang tuah is getting bigger and heavier since we sent him for sterilisation. he is growing and he's not stopping. his colour is still lilac and sometimes i just find that it is similar to a rug on the kitchen floor. hang tuah looks clean and he has a very soft fine hair. we use the best shampoo and feed him with premium cat dry food. out of all the 8 cats we have reared, i think hang tuah is the most high maintenance cat i have ever come across. his medical fees can be more expensive than mine and his breeder insists on us feeding him with Royal Canine.

I cannot deny that royal canine is of high quality because tuah has never suffered from any constipation and diarrohae before. his stools are hard and never have been soft and sticky before. that shows he is eating well and right. furthermore, royal canine has lots of proteins and vitamins and it's good for him to grow. you should have gone with me to the cat show diary. there were many other beautiful cats, i saw the Singapura cats, rag dolls, bangles, scottish fold, british shorthair/longhair, american tabby and lots more. i saw rag dolls which are 5-6 years old and they were as big as dogs!! hang tuah will grow to that size and i cannot wait. oh god, i am missing him so much i want to pinch his backside once i get home.

he's so naughty, he only goes to my room cos he wants to look out of the window and watch the children play at the playground otherwise he wouldn't want to come into my room cos he knows i will be teasing him if he does. i placed my keyboard stool underneath the window and he likes to stand on the stool and stick his head out the window. he looks cute when he does that, very childlike and he seems smart. he doesn't sleep at night and roams the house freely like a king. he likes to be around people and enjoys humans company. there were many times when mum was cooking and i was in the bathroom. mum finished cooking and went into her room to shower.

there was no one else outside and tuah cried out very loud for us. i panicked and thought something happened to him only when i realised mum left him alone outside without telling him and he went to look for mum. i called him, he ran to me and stayed in the toilet while i took my shower. it was rather funny but rag dolls are known to enjoy humans company and will call out to people if he is left alone. i can see that mum and dad love hang tuah very much. dad has never loved a cat this much before and i can only tell it's because he has lost a son. hang tuah can never replace the son he has lost but he knows hang tuah is the only channel where he can pour out all his reserved love and affections that were meant for his lost son.

i know that somehow my brother and i have to have children of our own to divert my parents attention away from the thoughts of having lost a son. we need to expand our family regardless if we do it biologically or not. we need to bring back laughter and joy to this family of ours, we need to bring back the smiles to our parents faces, we need to give back to our parents for what they have lost even when we jolly well know what they have lost is not replaceable.

when excitement is not exciting anymore

dear diary,

i now know why they always say expect the least expected. yesterday i received an email from someone i never thought i would hear from anymore. it just didn't occur to me that i would be hearing from her even if it is just a short note. i didn't know what was i feeling when i got her email but it was good to hear from her even if the content does not carry any genuine friendliness but it was good to hear from her and know that she is fine. i chose not to reply her back. i am afraid that i might say the wrong things again and create another misunderstanding (maybe i already have), you know how i can get with my vocal ability don't you? looking back, we have gone a long way.

only twice we met but those two moments were enjoyable. i never wanted to meet her initially cos i usually stay away from fellow lesbians from singapore for security purposes but i didn't know why it was an exception with her. probably because i knew she's not singaporean by nationality and so i figured she wouldn't have many or any relatives residing here, so therefore i gave it a go and it proved worthwhile. i wrote about her in my thoughts you know. she was fine and nice and generous and the only disadvantage i had is i was broke. hahaha, the first time i met her, i only had 20 cents in my pocket and the second time i met her, i just had enough for dinner.

hey come on, i was a student depending on pocket money from my parents, you cannot expect much from a student you know. hahaha, ohh geess excuses and reasons...if Donald Trump were to hear that i would have been fired! haha...i cannot deny that i do not think of her but i guess that happens to everybody doesn't it? how can we forget someone who has got a place in our diary? even when you don't talk anymore you can't erase them and the memories you have with them will be stored in a special place in your heart waiting for time to be reminisced and all you can do is smile at those sweet memories that cannot be repeated but good enough to be replayed.

looking back at all the girls that have left footprints in my heart, i began to realise that love is only beautiful in the beginning. after awhile, it will lose it juice and people will lose steam. it takes great effort to keep it going and alive. you have to know that you need love and not just want it. traveller, mama, kiddo, dancing queen, pontianak, sweetcorn, ash, russia, taj mahal, chicken pie, princess, mee goreng, aramis, lecturer, alia and flying waitress, i love all of them and i still think of them deep down in my heart but i know some people are better left alone even though how much i am missing them or how sorry i am for what happened and regardless how much i want things to be back as before. sometimes i feel like a fool, hoping and waiting for something that has no certainty.

when you get older, you will get tired of it eventually, the excitement is not there anymore probably because you have grown out of it and there are more important things to decide than to go on building castles in the air. you began too see the reality of life and small petty issues do not intimidate you anymore. things that may excite you 5 years ago may not do the same thing to you now because you already knew what will be in store for you if you were to response to such feelings. you tend to be laid back about things and take one day at a time paying more attention to the things you deem are more worthy of your attentions. you began to realise that you cannot stop people from having negative impressions on you and you cannot stop people from talking about you. you just can't so you let them think and you let them talk. never mind what they are about, in the end, only you and yourself that matters. some people are meant to be your friends for life while some are only meant to be acquaintances. they only appear in your life for a short period of time and the rest is history. people come and people go, people live and people die, that is what life is all about. you just have to get on with life and get over it.

chicken pie text me last night, she seemed distress and restless. it was about her x-gf and i told her to worry about things only when it's worth it. she needed someone to divert her attention from her x-gf. i didn't know what's the problem with them but i don't see any reasons why she has to be distress when she was the one who asked for the break up. she shouldn't feel that way and if she needs someone to divert her attention from her x-gf, then i am sorry cos i am not volunteering. for crying out loud, i am not going to be the person someone will talk to just because she is on a rebound. experience tells me that when your relationship is on the verge of breaking up and when you happen to find someone at that point of time along the way, you will always find she is nice, and always listen to you when she is not.

you think like that because you feel that ur gf is mistreating you and your soul is in need of attentions and care, never mind how you are going to get it. and when that someone comes along and when your heart seems to accept her the way she is, regardless if she is taking advantage of the situation or not, she will always be accused of breaking up the relationship you have with your gf at a later point. it's so annoying and bloody unfair.

diary, i have passed my final theory test and i was so excited. the result came on sunday and it was only less than a week. i told hulk about it and i laughed at him for having to pass it at 11th attempt when it only took me first attempt to pass. he was pissed with me and i went on teasing him. that's how i am with my buddies, hippos, hulk, melissa, voice and curly fries would not have mind about my attitude, that is why i have always prefer to stick to my old good friends because they always know me best and will not let small things like that ruined our frienships. i only need to go through the final stage which is the practical test. i have to start looking for a private driving instructor already and definitely set aside some budget for the practical course fees. i didn't really think i could pass my final theory cos it seemed difficult than the basic one but according to my estimation there were about 5 questions that i was unsure of.

i guess my estimation was right that was why i passed. i hope to pass my practical test at the first try too so that i will be able to have my license before aidilfitri this year and hopefully before i leave this place for good. mum said she will buy me a car if i get a place there but i don't think i will want her to do that. don't think i need a car there anyway, i would rather keep that money for my school fees.

i followed my parents to a wedding yesterday and it was a sad affair. i didn't want to go in the first place cos i knew it will only reminded me of my late brother. my parents insisted for me to come so i went reluctantly. i do not know the bride but i know her family. her brother was a friend of my late brother and they came to our house a few days after the funeral. it was an act of goodwill which my mum will always remember. it happened that my brother was his wedding planner and became better acquainted with his family. his family felt sorry for our loss and did their best to comfort us. i guess mum feel indebted towards their effort and was adamant about going.

i didn't want to go not because i was proud but i didn't want to go cos i knew somehow somewhere one of us will cry and i was right. mum cried when she held the bride's mother's hand and i immediately looked away. damn!! i hate this feeling. i hate it diary...i don't want it anymore. i don't want them to cry anymore and i don't want to cry anymore. i still think of him before i go to bed and it will only makes me even more sad. i tried to think of other things but i failed. things will be better soon i know.

my time is up diary, i have to go and i will talk to you again when time permits. please take care. bye for now.