a system that can be hazardous in the long run

Dear diary,

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I came back to kl to complete my motorcycle theory driving lessons. I had to complete it quickly because I do not want to waste anymore time. I need the license before school starts. I called up my instructor and told him that I was ready to take the test. We arranged to meet at nine in the morning. I left Singapore at six in the evening and got to kl half an hour after midnight. Peugeot came to fetch me and we went for supper first before he sent me home.

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Kelisa and I exchanged text a few times while I was having supper. We just exchanged news and updated each other.I got home close to two in the morning and kelisa called me and we talked for awhile. I was feeling very sleepy and I knew I had to get some sleep but I just couldn’t bring myself to tell her that I needed to sleep. It was a good thing to have someone calling you up to talk. It shows that the person is concern about you but I wished it were some other time. While I was talking to her, I just repeatedly told myself that I needed to wake up at half past 6 in the morning to be able to meet my instructor at nine in the morning. It was already half past 2 in the morning and I was still on the phone with kelisa. I wanted to talk to her some more but I also needed to go to bed early and I was in a dilemma.

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I think she kind of got the message that I was dead tired and told me she has to hang up. We said goodbye and hung up. I cancelled the appointment with my instructor. It was three in the morning and I was sure he would get the message in the morning before he prepared for our appointment. I went to sleep immediately after I text him but I still set the alarm at six. I was surprised that I woke up to the sound of the alarm and half an hour later, I got a text message from my instructor. He told me that I could not cancell the appointment as he already paid for the fees. I was not sure if it was true but I took him seriously and told him that I will come at noon since I have until three in the afternoon to sit for the test. I came on time and sat for the test. It was so much different from what I had to go through in Singapore. The result was instant and that was a good thing. There was not any invigilator during the test and I was surprised.

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There were students who copied and asked other candidates for the correct answers during the test. I could only watch at them and kept my opinions reserved to myself then. I failed the first time and registered again for the test the second time. I waited about half an hour before I sat the test for the second time and this time round, I passed. I was glad and happy about it. That meant I could proceed to the next stage and I was just hours away from getting my ‘L’ license.

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All I needed was the ‘L’ license and I will be on my way to ride to school. I passed the test and went for the next lesson, which comprised of theory and practical. I completed the theory and proceeded to practical. Surprisingly, I did not even ride the motorcycle and I was able to get my ‘L’ license. I didn’t even know how to start the motorcycle so how do you expect me to know how to ride? The instructor did not seem to be concern about it at all. I was really wondering if I was able to get my ‘L’ license when I did not even try to ride the bike. I got it, somehow it put a smile on my face, and on the other hand, it really made me wonder about effectiveness of the system.

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I cannot deny that it made motorist easy to have a license but on the contrary, it produces incompetent motorist. It can lead to more accidents on the road for motorist because they do not have proper training and skills from the right places. It was as if the driving school expected the students to know how to ride the motorcycles before registering for the class. A group of students who were not familiar with the mechanism of the motorcycle spoke with one of the instructor. He brought us to the side of the circuit, showed us how to start the motorcycle and explain about the different parts of the bike. He excused himself for lunch and promised us to be back to continue the lessons.

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We tried starting the bike on our own; each of us took turns and waited eagerly for the instructor to finish his lunch. Half an hour later, he still did not come back and we waited patiently. Half an hour turned to an hour, it went further to two hours, and still there was no sight of him. Many of the students started to complain while I just sat at the corner observing them. This whole thing seems to get ridiculous to me. Nobody even cared if we had tried on the bike and nobody even cared if we had had proper training before we were given our ‘L’ license. It is getting unbelievable and it upset me. The class ended without the instructor and I could only afford a shrug. On my way back to the LRT station, my instructor asked for another fifty bucks for the computer retest. I gave him the money with full of doubts. He did not even give me the receipt and I just could not be bothered to ask for it. All I wanted to do was to go home and sleep because I was really using too much of my energy then. It was quite an experience, learning how to ride a motorcycle here and I began to have second thoughts about my intention to ride to school.

don't let history repeat itself

Dear diary,

It has been a long time since mom and I have cold war with each other. I hate that feeling of uneasiness between the two of us whenever we have silent disagreements and stop talking with each other for awhile. It makes me feel very awful and lousy. Sometimes I wish that it never happened and that we are both on good terms always but I guess things like that do happen or perhaps have to happen among kins and friends. Mom and I are doing it again, this time it seems serious.

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I was hurt by her actions and remarks and I got turned off. It happened at the wrong time with a very petty reason. I shall not elaborate but I am really hurt. She was supposed to send me to the bus terminal to see me off to KL but I pulled the door behind me and left in a hurry. I told her not to send me. I was shaking and felt so hurt but I guess she was feeling more hurtful by what I did. I am not sure. I am her daughter afterall, her flesh and blood. Everytime this happen, I always get sentimental and I get all sad and broken inside. This silence is killing me softly.

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Perhaps mom is feeling the same way too. I don’t know diary. I do feel it sometimes that I am getting unfair treatment from my parents but deep down inside I know they love each one of us equally. It is hard to say and difficult to conclude. I have a happy family but I am sensitive and I tend to get affected easily by any slightest remarks thrown at me especially if it comes from my family.

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I cannot handle it and I may snap or sometimes I’ll get all weak inside.I came home today and since I stepped inside the house, mom did not speak to me till the time I went to bed. I too did not speak to her. I don’t know what to say to her and how to begin. The damaged has been done and I do not know how to remedy it. I was hungry and I noticed that mom did not cooked anything for dinner. Maybe she did but she did not offer me anything and so I fried myself some eggs to go with the plain rice. I felt as if I was in KL cooking myself dinner alone. It is no difference and how I wish that I never did what I did to her.

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I never started it diary…she did and I have to pay the price. I guess I will just let things be. Let nature takes its course. I am sad over what happened but I really have no choice. It was very hurtful and I felt that she was making mountain out of molehill. I hope this will be over soon because it is really bothering me.

she's so nice...

Dear diary,
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I went for my exam this afternoon. I wasn’t late but when I got there I couldn’t find my name on the list. I got panicked a bit and consulted one of the clerk. He told me to go to level eight and check my name there. I went and I couldn’t find it. I looked at my watch and it was 5 more minutes before exam start. I hate to be late and to be in a rush. I always make sure I arrive early for my class. I looked at the list again and there it was, my name without the surname. I got to my sit and I tried to calm myself.
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Many of the students have already got to their seats. They were all prepared and ready to sit for the exam. I see the determination in their faces. I wasn’t sure if I was ready but I knew I had done all I could within my capability to get myself prepared. Unit 1 paper was the toughest to me. I read the first question and I didn’t know how to do. I went on to the second question and I got the same feeling. I proceeded to the next one till I managed to find the question that I know how to do. It was really tough. As you know, I was three weeks late for my school. I missed the beginning of the lessons for unit 1 and that made me kind of lost when it comes to discussing about unit 1. I don’t know how will I do but I hope I will pull it through with the rest of the papers. Unit 2 and 3 were fairly tough and easy. But I managed to answer all the questions for unit 2 and 3. the question now is, how correct are my answers.
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I left home early and was on the train to KL central when candyfloss called and asked if I want her to pick me up. She did not go for her class cos she had difficulty finding a space to park her car. I believed her when she told me that because ei know what it is like to drive here. I got to KL central at 11 am and she was there waiting for me. You know diary, candyfloss is nice and sometimes I wonder what are her feelings toward me. Honestly, I like to be around her. I enjoy her company everytime she’s around. She’s simple and understanding. I like those kind of girls. I was very glad that I made that call to her. Otherwise we wouldn’t be talking to each other. We would not have known that we are in the same school.
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How I remember when I first entered the school and thought to myself what if I run into her in the school hall, what if I see her in the lift. You remember I told you I wanted to ring her and say hello. I did that and she welcomed my move to rekindle old friendship. She wasn’t home at first but I left her a message. Her mom probably passed her my message and she called me back. That’s when it all started. I never asked her anything about her status, I didn’t ask if she is seeing someone or is there anyone she’s hoping to be with. I chose not to go into personal details.I have hang out with her twice already since I came back back a week ago. I am going back to singapore tomorrow but will be back before 6th of feb to KL cos school starts on the 6th of feb.

victory is a bliss...!!

Dear diary,

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My driving test was on the 5th of January and to tell you the truth I really did not think that I would pass my test. How can I think I would pass my test when I did not have much practice? I think I have clocked more than 40 hours of practice but that was for my first test and after that, I had less practice because I was in KL and the practice sessions were held in singapore. You know that I failed my second test and this time, without much practice, I never thought I could pass my third test. I thought that I was a road hazard. Preparing for the third test was easy.

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School was on holiday and so I did not have to skip class to go back to singapore to take my test. I had booked three hours of lessons with my instructor and I went for my classes. The first hour was hell. I was very nervous and was driving carelessly forgetting all the proper techniques. My driving skill had become very rusty, my instructor told me. Well, who could have blamed me? If I had more money and time, of course I would have booked more lessons. So after all that not so nice comments about my driving skills, I certainly did not have the confidence to pass. Anyhow, I knew I had to sit for my test. I got cold feet and almost withdrew myself from the test. And I thought to myself, hey, come on I have made it this far and why would I want to give up when I am almost through. I boost my confidence and I waited for my name to be called by the tester. I felt my heart beating so fast that I think it could have dropped out of my body and went bouncing on the floor. My knees were shivering and I felt my legs becoming like jelly, soft and wobbly. All I could do then was to recite ayat Kursi repeatedly.

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I never stopped saying it until the time I had my tester in the car with me. When we were in the car, I made my very first blunder and I felt so silly. The seat was already adjusted to my preference but I just thought that I wanted to be more comfortable and I adjusted the seat again. I accidentally let go of the lever and the seat went backwards, I felt like I was taking a ride in the roller coaster. What was even worse, as I was going backwards, my right feet accidentally stepped on the accelerator and imagined this diary, the seat went backwards with me inside it and the car went forward when I accidentally stepped on the accelerator. The car jerked but did not move because luckily, I did not released the handbrake. It was the most good thing I did during the test, otherwise, I could have got an immediate failure.

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The rest of the ride was fine except for a few hiccups here and there thanks to my never ending nervous breakdown syndrome. When the tester told me to turn left, I turned right and all I could do then was to apologise and smile not so very proudly. It was hillarious and comical.The tester spoke to me all the way during the test. I just thought that it was a good idea regardless what his intention was. When he talked to me, I felt a little relieved because it made me felt less nervous. I think I drove ok and I proved my driving competency. I really did not know if I would passed my test then but I did and I thank God very much. I am now holding a Class 3 driving license and I am entitled to drive a car now. It sure feels good to accomplish something that you have work so hard for and it's time to celebrate. Congratulations to myself! This is truly a spiritual joy; the ecstasy of salvation.

executing the responsibility of a father to a dead son

Dear diary,
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Dad has left for Mecca on the 18th of December and I am missing him very much. It is not easy not to feel like this. He is gone to perform the pilgrimage for my late brother, Bakim. Coincidentally, school break starts from 19th of December and it fell on Sunday. I do not have classes on Friday and I went home early to send dad to the airport. This is the first time he is away alone for so long. He has never been apart from us for so long like this before.
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Dad’s job does not require him to travel so he is mostly at home. Before he left, I didn’t think that I would be missing him this much but I was wrong. There are only Balim, mom and myself now at home. It feels so quiet and can get lonely at times.He has gone to perform the pilgrimage before but that was five years ago with mom. At that time, I was left alone with my brothers and it didn’t feel as painful as it is now because perhaps the family was complete then than now.
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You know how insecure I can get sometimes right diary? With Bakim gone forever, this insecurity I am feeling looks like it is going to last forever. I have already had this kind of feeling of insecurity since I was young. I often feel afraid that I might lose my family members and how I have cried myself to sleep most of the times. Do you know that I hate to be separated from my family? Do you know that I have never been away from my family for more than two weeks?
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Being separated from them kills me and I hate the feelings whenever I am away from them. I am not sure what is wrong with me diary. Balim was gone for more than two years when he furthered his studies in UK. I didn’t feel anything like this then but since Bakim is gone, I feel so terribly alone, afraid and sad most of the times. I don’t feel safe anymore wherever I go. The feeling of security is partially gone and my life is now being enveloped with sorrow, loneliness and isolation. With dad’s absence, I can even feel it more than I ever ask for.
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It kills me to feel this way and everytime he text us, I wanted to tell him how much I miss him but I just couldn’t because I don’t know how. Mom and Balim didn’t say anything about missing him, but I am sure deep down inside their hearts, they are missing him as much as I do. It is just like Bakim’s case where none of us mentioned anything about missing him or the pain that we have felt for his departure openly but I know we all feel it silently.
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People say that time is the great healer but to tell you the truth, it gets harder each day because you grow older each day, things and people change and for sure, you will wonder how it is going to be, if he were still alive, what it would be like if he were still alive. I am not sure if I am the only one who is feeling this way because I know, I am the most stubborn in our family but yet I am the most sensitive and I can get easily affected by changes in my surroundings. Little small things hurt me even though I do not show that I am hurt. I walk away when there is trouble because I know anymore trouble with people or with things would hurt me even further and I have to protect myself.It hurts diary, it hurts very much.
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What happened with pontianak, flying waitress, russia, aramis, and india have left a big impact in my life. Sometimes, I wish I could tell them that I am hurt by what happened, I want so much to tell them that I am sorry but I know in some situations, explanations and reasonings will only make things worse than they already are. It hurts to lose a friend let alone your own flesh and blood. You started to blame everything and everybody but yourself. You even blame God for it and that is very ironic. I still blame myself for my brother’s death. I have said something that was so mean to him before he died that no other sisters on earth could have said what I had said to her own brother because it was so mean beyond words but I fucking said it to him. I feel so disgusted with myself now and forever. I will not forgive myself and I deserve nothing but condemnation so help me God.

she's going to live longer

Dear diary,
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Little sister is back into my life and it sure feels good. We have met a couple of times and she even accompanied me for lunch, a thing that I had never dreamt possible. She has grown healthier and very childlike as usual. The doctor broke very good news to her and I am very happy for her. I guessed the bone marrow transplant has proved to be successful eventually. All these while, we were hoping and perhaps praying that it would eventually bring us good news.
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The good news finally came and I was overjoyed beyond descriptions.I still remember those times when I was so afraid that she would leave me when the time comes. I swear to god that I had prayed so hard so that she could live another day. Have I told you that she came to my house and left me a bouquet of flower outside the door? I still keep that bouquet of flower even though all of the leaves and flowers have gone dry and withered. It is just something I like to keep that could remind me of her. I do think of her everytime I see that bouquet of flowers.
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Her girlfriend has text me a couple of times asking me to leave her alone. I also received three calls from a number that was not in my contact list. I suspected that it was from her girlfriend. I didn’t pick it up because I wouldn’t know what to say and how to answer her if she asked me anything. The thing that makes it that way was the fact that little sister and I have gone beyond that sisterhood boundary. It is funny because both of us did not expect things to be this way but things just happened you know. I am not making excuses for myself but I guess little sister and I have shared and gone through so many things that we have built a bond between us that is filled with multiple layers of emotions. We do not have to sleep together in one bed or make love but sharing emotions is enough to feel love for each other.

springcleaning brings back memories

Dear diary,

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I did some organizing of my bedroom this afternoon and I came across a box that was filled with gifts from the girl once I had loved. It was sweet and I wonder how she is doing right now. If I could call and asked her well being now, I would but her number has been erased from my contact list and I do not think it is a good idea to keep in touch with her anymore. I kept an email from her in that box as well. I didn’t finish reading it because I do not want to be brought back to remembering the events that occurred during the course of my relationship with her.Do you still remember pontianak diary?

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Those gifts came after we broke up and perhaps it was out of guilt that she sent me those gifts. I am not sure but I never expected anything from her anymore after the break up. She seemed to be feeling bad or guilty and tried to be nice to me. I became my usual self with her and my insensitivity upset her. I apologised but she said I was superficial and ignorant. I let it be and many not so nice sarcastic remarks were directed at me from her MSN. I knew it then that it was pointless to continue whatever that we had left between us. From then until now, we never heard of each other anymore, none of us makes any effort to say hi. I have ceased all possible ways to contact her and I really do not know anything about her anymore.

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The things I saw in the small box brought me back to the days when we were still in good terms and I must admit that somehow I do miss those moments even though I thought the love we had was mutual when I was actually wrong. For whatever she feels towards me now, for whatever happened between us, deep down in my heart I wish her great success and happiness because I have a dream that someday somehow, we would still be smiling to each other again.

a silent message that was never understood

Dear diary,

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I received a call from russia just now but I chose not to answer her call. I do not wish to have anything to do with her anymore. A few hours later she text me and said she has something that she needs to tell me. She said that she does not expect an immediate answer from me and told me to take my time but hopes that I will not ignore her message. The thing about russia that I noticed after I have known her is that she likes to complicate things and make simple things complex.She has text me a couple of times before and all I did after receiving her message was to ignore. If she has something to tell me this time, why couldn’t she just text me with the message instead of telling me she has something that she needs to tell me and expect me to call or text her back? It is such a waste of time. She likes to do things like that and if she expects me to be so curious with what she needed to tell me so badly, she can wait till the world ends.

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I am sure she could have guessed that I have been ignoring her message and if she really has something that I should know, she should have just told me in her message. I ain’t going to text or call her because whatever news she has for me, I am sure it is not my concern. I am not interested, I don’t want to know and I don’t give a damn and that’s final. Call me egotistical or whatever you want but I do not wish to even let her have an inkling of an idea that I still want her to think I treasure her as a friend let alone as an acquaintance.Please do not think that I am being too much but she has insulted my intelligence and I just do not want to be associated with her anymore.

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When I came to KL, she did not even bother to ask if I was doing ok or not. She did not even care if I needed her help let alone offer me if I needed any. I do not expect her to fetch me a pot of gold or to swim across a river infested with alligators but the least she could do as the very recent ex girlfriend was to ask how I was getting along in KL. She knew I was coming and she knew I had arrived but she didn’t make an effort to call or even text me to welcome me. Look diary, pettiness is not in my agenda but she was one out of the few friends I have in Malaysia that I hope I could count on. Yes, I was very dissappointed with her; I was turned off by her.

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Moreover, you know when she finally text me to meet, she asked if I could get to her place on my own and that was already close to midnight. She knew I was dependent on the public transport. Let’s just face it, how safe can it be for me to take a cab to her place alone at night in KL? She should have known better and I was really taken aback by her request. She did many things that turned me off and I have decided to stay away from her and erase her from my friends list. She’s not worth it diary and it is sad to know. She has attempted to make up but once bitten twice shy and I declined her wish every time. She called me and assumed that I was influenced by another of our friend and said that I might have got on the wrong side of her. She even advised me not to easily be influenced by people. I felt that my intelligence has been insulted and told her off.

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What I did was purely based on my own personal perceptions and how I derived to that perception was from what I have experienced. She should have done her own assessment on why I became so cold towards her before jumping to any unfound and bias conclusion.

dream on...

Dear diary,

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We just came back from KL and I had my keyboard moved to KL as well. With my keyboard there, I hope I can be happier living in KL alone. Perhaps I can learn a few songs by Sandhan and play it whenever I am bored and feeling sentimental. It helps to play musical instruments. I have heard that playing musical instruments can destress yourself and do wonders to the lonesome and wounded hearts.

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I am listening to Sandhan now and I am feeling very emotional right now. It brings out the syrupy side of me. I wish I could play as he does and attract many attentions from girls. It feels good to be the centre of attraction from the opposite sex but since I am not straight, I certainly would enjoy attentions from my sex group.

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You know what diary, sometimes I do ponder at the idea of homosexuality being legal and acceptable to the societies and religions. It is just something that I fantasize even though I know it is not going to happen in reality.

applying economics terms into my life

Dear diary,
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How has it been going for you? I sincerely hope that everything is fine for you. As I am writing to you now, it seems to me that I have developed this habit of apologising to you too often for not writing. And my genuine reason would be that I have been busy with studies which in fact is true. Apart from that, I have moved out of the hostel and home is quite a distance from school.
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Public transport is the only means of transportation I have to get to school. Believe me, when you are in my shoes, having to taste the effiency or rather the inefficiency of the public transport system here is something you would opt to pass if you have other alternatives to get to school. Therefore, I often left my laptop at home as I do not want to add anymore miseries to my already existing miseries while waiting for the bus to arrive. I hope you understand my explanation and it really comes from the bottom of my heart. It has been six months living in a foreign land and much have been anticipated had happened.
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There are so many stories that I can share and write but time is always a problem. I have stories about chicken pie, little sister, russia, aramis, the two ‘Hangs’ at home , my family and my newly found romance, Myvi. Perhaps I have even more stories to write than those listed above for example, I can give some of my most sincere and genuine opinions on the public transport system here and get my butt kick out of here, or maybe get my student visa revoked or probably be told to go home to where I came from but I will save the best stories for last and probably will start writing one of my thoughts that have long been discontinued.
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I am back in singapore since school is on holiday. Exam is on the 18th of january so I have to go back to KL at least a day prior to the examination. I cannot say that I am 100% prepared for the exam but I am ready to sit for it. School is fine, I am keeping low profile but I cannot help myself from getting noticed. It is probably because I am much older than most of the students there and perhaps i assume many have already refered me as the unfriendly, reserved and private person. I don’t talk to them unnecessarily and most important of all I mind my own business.
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I have a few girls from the hostel that I stick with in school and they are probably the only persons I can call my friends made in school. The rest are just strangers that I look at without any facial expressions. I hate crowds and i just happen to be someone who is not willing to compromise her privacy.There is one guy in school where I feel comfortable talking to. He is in his mid twenties and perhaps that is what makes me comfortable conversing with him. However, he can be quite a nuisance sometimes because he seems to forget to apply a full stop after every sentence and he will keep on talking till we went home.
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Sometimes, I imgaine myself giving him a punch in his face while he talks to give him a message that he has talk too much and it is time to stop. Or I should probably remind him of the importance of a full stop and we must apply the rule of full stop not only in writing but in talking as well. The library has been my sanctuary in school. I spend most of my time there revising and studying. I cannot afford to waste my time anymore and any extra free time is put to good use. In economics, we say that every resources is only at its optimal level when it is efficiently used and allocated. When resources are not at their optimal level, it is deduced that the reaources are not efficiently allocated and employed which leads to market failure. I am living by that principle nowadays and I try to avoid my own market failure from occuring. Let’s just hope things will be on a bright side for me shall we diary?

the animals we made our family

Dear diary,

Living in a house alone can get lonely most of the times. I feel so lonely everytime I come home. I have got nothing to look forward to. I have thought of getting a kitten for myself but living as a student with no fixed and constant flow of income prevents me from doing so. If I want to rear a kitten I want to be a responsible one. I want to provide him with a good home. I want to be able to nurse him when he is sick and feed him with good quality food. I want to provide him comfort, love and care. It takes money to do that.

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We spent quite a lot on Hang Tuah and Hang Jebat already. I cannot afford to have another one here in KL. I am still dependent on my parents for pocket money, thus having a kitten on my own can be quite a burden. The medical fees alone is even more expensive than humans, I am sure it will eat into my budget if I have one. I cook myself dinner every night. It has been great so far. I am not afraid neither am I scared but I just feel lonely. I have never came home to an empty house before all my life.

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I experienced a bit of a culture shock when I moved here. Dinner was always cooked and served for me whenever I came home in singapore. Now, it’s just the furnitures and the sounds of the crickets that come from the nearby forest that welcome me whenever I reached home. No more greetings from mom or dad. No more greetings from Hang Tuah and Hang Jebat . I remember how Hang Tuah welcomed me when I reached home. He would ran to the door and stood on his back feet, his two front feet would lean against the gate waiting for me to open the door wide. I miss them everytime diary. Everything about them is all so adorable and genuine. I have loved them like I have loved my family. I feel the bond that we have built among ourselves and I knew if anything bad happened to them, I would be devastated.

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Let us not forget the reason why we brought them into our family. It is to heal our wounded heart for losing our own flesh and blood. They help us to heal even though we still do think of him but their presence help to divert our attentions away from him. Their presence help us to put smiles and laughter back on to our faces. That’s a miracle diary, cats can do wonders. You put them in a right home and you can make magic out of it. I haven’t tell you a lot about them haven’t i? Hang tuah has got beeter acquainted with hang jebat. They play with each other and most of the times, you will end up watching them wrestle each other. It is so entertaining and hilarious watching them play.

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Hang Tuah always has the upper hand because he is bigger and taller. Jebat can be timid but he is one mischievious cat! Believe me when I tell you that all the wrestles started from Jebat. Hang Tuah would be sitting quietly minding his own business and Jebat would come and hit Tuah’s face with his paws. Jebat would throw himself infront of Tuah and would try to grab Tuah’s neck to bite. The wrestle would always start from there. They play catching sometimes and when they do, things at home will go haywire. Things and decorations will be all over the house. I never knew that cats like to rearrange home decors without any planning at all.

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They are very adorable diary. Once you have seen them, I am sure you will like them.Hang Jebat is still the same timid cat. He has grown so much now and he has put on weight. He had some problem with answering nature calls at the right places. We sent him to the vet and followed some of the doctor’s advice. it worked! Mom told me how both of them had behaved when Jebat was put inside the bag to be brought to the vet. Tuah sniffed the bag and tried to open it with his paws. He probably think that Jebat was trapped inside the bag and he wanted to save him. They called out to each other and when Balim left home with Jebat, Tuah became agitated. He seemed to be in stress and it was rather frantic. He ran from the kitchen to the balcony. He climbed up the wooden stools at the balcony and looked out of the window for any signs of Jebat. When he couldn’t get any view of Jebat, he ran back to the kitchen and looked up to the kitchen’s window. He called out to mom probably asking her to lift him up so that he could catch Jebat’s view. I really felt for him when I heard that story. It’s amazing isn’t it diary?

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Knowing that animals have bonded together can be overwhelming. I really wonder if their relationships or friendships functions like how the relationships and friendships of the humans do. Do they fight and apologise and do they get jealous? I wonder how it is like to be them. I am sure, Jebat would attract lots of attentions from the girls because he is so good looking. He has this pretty boy looks while Tuah has this rugged manly look. He behaves like a big brother to Jebat and Jebat would follow everything that Tuah does, from climbing out of the window to messing up the rugs in the kitchen.

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I have noticed that Jebat has started to form habits which were passed down from Tuah. It can be very impressive because that’s what happen in almost every household. The young always follow what the old does. I remember picking up tricks and habits from my elder brothers when I was young. The joy for successfully copy their tricks or habits was so awesome that it can immediately boost your confidence level.It is estimated that Tuah and Jebat will live up to 20 years. If that is the case, when they are gone, I am sure I will cry like how I cried when bakim passed away. Perhaps, the feelings of losing your flesh and blood will be felt all over again by me. I don’t know if I am ready to experience it again. It hurts you know, it really does. It’s so painful that if I am granted one wish, I would wish that I will never get to feel it again.

the meeting of two old friends

Dear diary,
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it has been a busy week for me. I have been going out so often that I haven’t been studying. First of all, I met with an old friend. Do you know who she is? She is kancil and we haven’t met for a long time and it was a good thing to meet. When I saw her, she was wearing the tudung and baju kurung. She looked sweet and it was a pleasant sight to see her in that attire. I figured she was only in that kind of attire because of her job. It's been awhile since we met and when we meet I had this feeling of comfort probably because I have known her long enough to be feeling cosy.

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Kancil has put on a little weight. She was thin the last time I saw her but this time, although she has not fall under the fat people category, she does seem a little fatter than before although it was not that obvious. She cut her hair short and she’s still the same person that I know. Nothing much about her is new. She’s still with the same girl, basically the same job and same car except for her hair and the extra weight she has gain. I like being around her, I just feel that we share the same wavelength and it makes me easier to interact with her. We talked a lot about things from the most nonsense to the most intellectually challenged topics. I teased her many times and I guess she just got so used to me.

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I often wonder when do I ever get the chance to make her mine. I just don’t seem to have any luck with her you know. She’s always with someone and I just draw a transparent line between herself and myself to remind myself of the barrier that I have to watch out. It tells me not to get too carried away with the teasing and the naughty and cheeky remarks I threw at her. It reminds me to behave myself whenever I am alone with her. You just have to do that sometimes you know.

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You know diary, I often thought of myself as boring but to my surprise kancil is even more boring than I thought. It’s not like she has turned me off or anything like that. I swear that I will be very comfortable with kancil if she were mine but I just couldn’t figure out that she almost doesn’t do anything for fun. I asked her to go for movie, she refused. She told me she’s not a movie buff and then I tried karaoke, she refused giving me the excuse that she doesn’t sing. I haven’t gave up on her and asked if she wanted to bowl, oh my god, can you believe that she doesn’t bowl as well? I wonder what does she ever do for fun?

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I began to see the real her and I just realised that there are other people who are worse than you ever imagine. Those would probably be the weaknesses that kancil might have and I guess going steady with her would mean that you just have to accept her as a whole package, the weaknesses and strengths. I guess that’s how people have to accept me as well. Nobody’s perfect and as long as you feel comfortable and happy with somebody I guess that’s enough. She brought me to her home and her two cats and 4 kittens welcomed me and mind you, the welcome ceremony includes the whole package which came with the smell as well. Her house is big and spacious and I noticed that she doesn’t like to do housework. You know diary, she might probably hates me after this cos she reads you diary. She is probably one of my loyal fan I should say. A loyal fan that I can never have. Anyway I enjoy her companionship and I look forward to going out with her again.