I Need A Team To Start It

Dear Diary,

It is a public holiday today and I have spent my time sleeping during the day. I had been waiting for this day to come because I am simply tired and really need this holiday to catch up on sleep. I woke up as usual as though I had to go to office today. I tried to go back to sleep but I could not. I supposed since I have had this job, I have developed the habit of waking up early in the morning over time. I had my breakfast and I started doing my own things then. 

I planned to write to you yesterday but fatigue got the better of me. I wish I would have the superpower that would make me invincible to fatigue so that I will have all the time on earth to do my things. My day was surprisingly good yesterday especially at work. I felt like shouting ‘Alhamdulillah’ aloud. My heart was beating with excitement, as the sale I have made was superb. It was not the best sale I have ever made but it was amazing as the leads that we have got from the banks were bad. I am an inch far to achieving my October targeted sales volume. I have Thursday, Friday until the month ends, and I am confident that I will make it. But then again, really, anything is possible. I am ten thousand away from my target, it may seem easy but honestly, it will not be as easy as it may seem. I am afraid to be confident but at the same time I am sure I am able to achieve it.  

How are things at your end Diary? We are coming close to the end of the year and I am two months away from ending my contract. I am still a little confused of what I want to do. There are a few options that I have but I simply do not know what suits me best. Maybe I do know what it is but I am somewhat afraid to carry it out that I am not sure if I have the support that I would need. I know I am able to source the financial support but I am not sure if I am able to find the physical support that I need most. I am sure I can find people to work for me but I am not confident that they may be the right persons. It takes time to develop a business. Yes, I may have the experience but I have to admit I need to feel safe. It is hard to explain, as coming together is a beginning, keeping together is progress and working together is success. 

I can always stay with the bank but honestly, I do not think I can handle the stress everyday. I do not like to be burden with the stress of achieving my sales target day after day. I have dreamt about my job and it is difficult for me to take time off from work, as I know a day away from work can affect my monthly sales. It is good because it makes me very disciplined and efficient staff but it is also bad, as I will have constant fear to take time off from work. I am not supposed to feel this way. This is what I have become Diary. I want a job that enables me to make big bucks but not a job that makes me afraid to even be on sick leave. I come to work even when I am sick taking with me all the medicines I have just to make me feel better at work. 

Do you understand what I feel about my job Diary? It is demanding. I appreciate what I have now. I can see all the effort I put in has paid off however I do not see myself holding to this job for the next two to three years time. I have always seen myself as the boss and I know what I am looking forward to but it is just the point of view deep inside me that I have right now. I need the pillar Diary. It is more than moral support that I need. I need her to be here with me. It will definitely make me a stronger person. There is always a woman behind every man’s success and I need the woman to be here with me, physically. It is a lot of hard work to put my plan together. It is simply insufficient to have money alone. Oh Diary…I hope you know that nobody can do it alone. No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent. The nice thing about teamwork is that you always have others on your side. 

To Complete The First Phase of The Vision

Dear Diary,

I have three more days to pull off my monthly sales volume until this month ends. I am looking good presently but in my line of duty, anything is possible and you really cannot predict what is going to happen. My sale was encouraging today to start the week. This week is the last week of October and it is my last week to make those calls to close some sales.  

In all honesty, I have been doing fairly well for a newbie. There are a lot of competitions and pressures but I know when I stepped into the office, all I wanted to do was to make some sales. At times, I feel like quitting but it is probably not the time yet. Do you remember what I have told you about my vision? Working here is the first phase of achieving my vision therefore; I honestly cannot give up easily even how taxing the situation at work can get. 

I like the work environment here. I come to the office and I simply need to do my work. That is all I have to do. I do not have the big boys looking over my shoulder to check on me. When I have my headset on, it will be the headset and me. It is relaxing in a way however, it is actually stressful. My job is to make sales, I bring in the figures and if I do not, I will be face with the possibilities of being dismissed from work. That is how things work in there. It is not discrimination neither it is oppression. I believe it is how the sales environment is driven especially in a bank. The seat that I have taken cost me one million and a hundred thousand in rental. If I do not achieve at least that sale volume monthly, I can say goodbye to my job. So you see Diary, I have every reason to be stressful about my work everyday. 

How are you doing Diary? I have always missed you. I miss those times when I used to tell you everything and never missed a thing. I know that things have changed a little between us but I have to admit that no one has replaced you. You are always the one that I look for in times of my adversities. I know you listen to me even though there is no reaction that I can expect from you. At times, I wonder if I ever going to write to you until the day I die. Who would read you Diary, when my time is up? I really don’t know. It does not look like I am going to have off springs. You know it is sad sometimes. All the people I have once loved. I miss them and I know I have said a few good things about them here to you. Perhaps I have said some bad things as well but well, how else can I do to let it all out? You are my Diary and my responsibility to you is to feed you with my life stories because all men should strive to learn before they die what they are running from, and to, and why. 

I had been in Kuala Lumpur last three weekends. It was a rush but I enjoyed my trip there. I did not go to Subang Jaya as it was really a rush. I had to buy some stuffs to resell them to the ready buyers that Hello Kitty has been gathering. It was a good deal. In one day everything we had was sold out. I am not sure when the next trip to KL is but I know it has to be soon as the demands for the goods are high and the supply is low at present. This is what I do for a side income. We are still at the learning stage and there are many options for us. If you asked me Diary, I would still prefer to have a business in the food and beverage industry. I have a thing for it and I know that for sure. I may not have ten years of full time experience but I have knowledge to run it and that is what I am working at. 

I simply do not know how to run any other business. I have read somewhere that if we want to run a business it is crucial how we must have at least some experience in that field. I still have hope that I will be running my own restaurant some days. Someone told me before that I will get what I want someday all I need is to have some faith. I am halfway through my first phase of achieving my vision perhaps we shall simply wait and see, shall we?

Travelling Towards My Dream

Dear Diary,

I was supposed to go to Little India after work today to meet up with my family for dinner but I changed my mind and went home after I had my dinner alone at Northpoint. My head was spinning and I was starting to see doubles of everything. I felt that my head was as heavy as a coconut and it would have fallen off from my body if it were not connected to my neck. I often feel this way nowadays. I am not sure why. It could be the constant stress from work or perhaps it could be the skipping of lunch everyday at work.

I could have had my lunch but in my work environment, I feel so afraid to leave my desk. Perhaps it is just me because I know how determined I can get if I really want something. I want everyday to be a good sales day for me but I know that is not going to happen because it simply cannot. Christmas does not happen everyday neither does Aidilfitri. Yesterday was a good sales day for me and today was simply average but it was enough for me to come close to achieving my monthly sales target. I am about two hundred thousand dollars away from my target and I truly hope I can achieve it this month. It will make a lot of difference if I do. 

For the time I have been here, I can only say that this job is not for those with faint hearted and weak in the mind. The mental state of mind needs to be strong as pressure is always there everyday to make sales. We have daily target to achieve and believe me Diary, it can really get its way into your mind, body and soul. I have dreamt about my job more often nowadays than the women I have been involved. It freaks me out sometimes. Patience and faith are the main ingredients one needs to have in this job. Along the way, skills and expertise could be learnt. The constant craving for good sales day will eventually make you become alert, aware and invincible to any objections thrown at you. 

I do not love my job Diary but I know I can do well in it if I stay long enough. It is a simple job, which suits me. There are not many physical works involved but the pressure is enormous. You have to pay attention to details and one simple mistake can be very disastrous. It involves money, transactions are made for millions of dollars everyday, and you simply cannot afford to do mistakes. That is what the bank expects from us but it is just impossible because to err is humans. I often remind myself that if I break my neck, if I have nothing to eat, if my house is on fire, then I got a problem.  Everything else is inconvenience. I guess that is how I survived thus far in this job because if I do not like something, I changed it; if I cannot change it, I simply change the way I think about it.

I am not sure if I will renew my contract. I am looking at other options. Remember about the job offer in KL I had? It is finalised but I am having second thoughts about it now. I cannot be sure if that is what I want. You know, working in the banks have gave me some kind of an eye opener that being self employed can really gives you the chance to make big money. I have seen it so many times from the bank’s pool of database. People as young or rather as old as I am have so much credit limits. Everytime I look at that, I tell myself that I want to be like that. I do not want to end up being an employee for the rest of my time. I want to be the employer and the boss of my own company. It is not easy I know that but I know that I have always wanted to be a boss since I was young. My mother used to ask me when I was five years old what did I want to be when I grow up. I had only one word as the answer for her; boss. To have my own business is the only constant thing in my mind since I was young. I have a passion for business and I supposed it is in food and beverage. I have had quite a fair period of experience in the food and beverage business and perhaps that is why I feel close to it. 

When I got this job, I really did not know what the plan I should have for myself was. However, after working for one month, I began to have a plan for myself. I have an idea of where to get the funds to start a small-scale food and beverage business and know what I have to do in order to achieve it now. I am thankful that this job somehow or rather tells me that there are ways to get around you simply have to know and explore. One has to remember the secret of success in life is for a man to be ready for his opportunity when it comes. I am seeing an opportunity for me now but there are still couples of distance I have to travel before I am able to accomplish it.

So do you see the reason now why I have not taken any medical or annual leave from work? This is the reason, I need to make my daily sales, and I need to achieve my monthly sales volume. The pay slips have to be impressive because that will make it easier. The visions that I have for myself, it is just wonderful if it comes into reality. I want to be able to go beyond what I can achieve. I want to accomplish something big in my life. This is not my short-term goal Diary; it is my long-term goal. I know Rome is not built in a day and neither is success. Success comes with a price tag. Having been lived in Kuala Lumpur for almost five years have taught me so many things that I know I would not learn in schools. 

My dream has not come true yet but I am working on it. It is such a long way Diary. I am still at the first stage of achieving it. I am trying so hard to do my level best but my only concern is will I be able to sustain? Patience is a most necessary qualification for business and I am somewhat thankful that I am stubborn naturally because I will stubbornly persist, and I know I will find that the limits of my stubbornness go well beyond the stubbornness of my limits.

What Does The Distance Make Me...

Dear Diary,

I just took shower and had my dinner. My life has become so mundane nowadays that I have got so accustomed to it. I have always missed you Diary. Sometimes I wonder if you were a real person, what I would make you to be. How was your day Diary? My day has been fulfilling and rewarding. My sale was good and I exceeded my personal sales target. It was a good start in the morning. For the first four hours, I have closed sixty thousand worth of sales. I was happy and grateful but at the same time, I was mentally preparing myself to face the possibility of working for the next four hours without any sales.

Yes, it is like that in my course of work because I am not the top sales person who can easily make one hundred over thousand worth of sales daily or who close deals every hour. That is how stressful it can get. At times, I will hear my colleagues closing sales after sales while I would be struggling to make yet my first sales. It is because of that perhaps why I have forgotten about the miseries I used to have. it is also because of that, that I have little time to be sorry about why I had to come back to Singapore. To be focus in my sales kept me away from my dreamland. I have very little time to myself now and that probably explains why I have not put my thoughts down.

I went home today with my colleague and we talked a bit. I never really like to mingle around with my colleagues that much but I guess this is out of my control. You see Diary, she lives one train stop away from where I live and it is only natural that she would invite me to go home together with her. So we talked on our way home and we talked about our love life. Somehow, she had to ask me some personal question, which I had to tackle very carefully. I had to lie that I was engaged, but unfortunately, my fiancé died in a car crash. I had to do it because I knew telling her the truth would be suicidal. 

That is the thing about being myself. I have to put this false front and stick to one story that I have coached myself to remember for the rest of my life. It is a story to hide the real reason why I am still not married at this age. I wish life would be easier as a gay. You and I know that is not going to happen unless we live in Hollywood dramas like the ‘L Word’ where the drama revolves around the lives of a group of lesbians. Deep down inside my heart, I wish I would be able to live in a world like that where I can be open about my homosexuality without worrying of being discriminated. It is sad to think about it, how we have to watch what we say and do just to stop people from judging. What is straight?  A line can be straight, or a street, but the human heart, oh, no, it's curved like a road through mountains. My own belief is that there is hardly anyone whose sexual life, if it were broadcast, would not fill the world at large with surprise and horror. 

I am mostly alone now. Hello Kitty is quite a distant away and I am not sure if I ever get to be close to her again. You can say that we are enjoying a long distance relationship now. It is good for the both of us. In times like this I supposed Hello Kitty has been strong. She takes it like a woman having to be apart from me. She does not complain neither does she whine. She embraces the decision with an open heart. I know there are many out there who do not enjoy long distance relationship. Everybody has a preference, right? I

t is not my preference but if it is a decision I have to accept then I will respect it and learn how to live with it. Hello Kitty may be the most important woman in my life now. I have never shown her how much I need her in my life neither have I let her known what she means to me. I have become so reserved about my feelings nowadays. I have not been expressive towards her probably because I am too comfortable with her that even the silence and distance between us cannot break that bond. Sometimes two people need to step apart and make a space between that each might see the other anew, in a glance across a room or silhouetted against the moon.   

Truths About Realities And Fantasies

Dear Diary,

I really think that my job has taken its toll on me. I wake up feeling tired and sleepy. There is no more energy in me. I do not feel excited anymore coming to work. I remember how I used to feel very lonely, gloomy and sad waking up every morning since I came back to Singapore. The job that I have now, it helps me overcome those feelings and I cannot describe how thankful I am for that. I guess it is true that people say you cannot have your cake and eat it. 

I have never taken any annual or medical leave since I started work there. I can say that I am the most efficient staff in my batch and I can proudly say that I am the best sales staff in my batch too. There are four of us and I am the only girl, the only woman I should say. I have wanted to take some days off from work but everytime I wanted to do that, I always feel anxious that I might lose out. Being in the sales team, my daily sales really matter to make up my monthly sales volume. One day of absent from work can really make a big difference. 

 How have you been Diary? I have always missed you and everytime something happens to me you would be someone that I want to tell. Nevertheless, it has been difficult for me because I know I cannot be as honest and truthful as I was before. That is probably the reason why I have stopped writing for a while. Please accept my most sincere apologies Diary. At times, I wish I could still write to you like before where I have no boundaries and I can say what I truly feel sincerely. People say that honesty is the best policy but I beg to differ. 

Today was a fair sales day for me. I did not make any sales until after lunch. I was not worried neither was I panicked. I supposed I have gotten used to it or perhaps I have just become tired of worrying about my sales. I have just learnt that sometimes things which you do not hope happen more frequently than things which you do hope. I have stopped hoping to achieve the top rookie position in my batch. I have learnt to accept things as how they are supposed to happen. Yes, I cannot change the direction of the wind but I can change the direction of my sail. 

Today, good things happened to me in the office half an hour before I left office. I closed two deals worth ten thousand dollars each one after another. That really put a smile on my face. I achieved my personal sales target today and that is enough to put my heart at ease. I have to admit that it was not easy for me. Up till today I am still struggling to bring in the figures. I cannot deny that I did not hope for some miracles to happen for my sales to soar. There is always hope in my heart for good things to happen in my course of work as the road that is built in hope is more pleasant to the traveler than the road built in despair, even though they both lead to the same destination. 

I do feel like giving up sometimes but then again, this job makes me forget about loneliness and all the unfairness in my life. I guess no matter how stressful this job is, I have to give some respect to it as this job is the one that help me put food on the table and to help divert my attention to bigger things in my life. I supposed that is what I should be doing when I came back to Singapore. I should be paying more attention to something that I know will be worthwhile for me rather than paying attention to some fantasies that I know will not come to life. I should not have mixed fantasies with realities and if I have done that, I ought to be ashamed of myself.  I am not regretting what has happened because I know man has always sacrificed truth to his vanity, comfort and advantage.  He lives... by make-believe. But, I have come to terms with the fact that truth is the breath of life to human society.  It is the food of the immortal spirit.  Yet a single word of it may kill a man as suddenly as a drop of prussic acid. Like all dreamers, I mistook disenchantment for truth and truth breeds hatred.