Lunch Time Stories

Dear Diary,

I found it hard to wake up this morning and I took an extra 10 minutes of sleep after my alarm went off. After 4 weeks of carefree lifestyle who could have blame me? I was the first to reach followed by two of the other newbies. One of overslept and took a cab to office. She said she has gotten used to oversleeping herself as she was out of job for two months before she got this job. I smiled at her giving her the signal that I could not argue about that with her.

My lunch break is 2 and a half hours and frankly, I am beginning to enjoy my training sessions. Tomorrow will be the last day of training and I know I am going to miss it. To be honest, I am remembering my colleagues in my old company. I miss the environment there and how I felt so comfortable there. The facilities we had as staffs there were excellent and the workstations each and one of us got was almost perfect. The current office lacks so much in terms of office tidiness. I always have issues with tidiness and I know I might have problem getting by. I am not sure that should be the concern but I have come to terms with what I need to do. This job is not going to be permanent. I should just be contented I have found a job. It can be tiring thinking about it but I do not want to dwell on it anymore. I am merely coaching myself to persevere for as long as it takes until I am good to go. Subang Jaya is still in my agenda and I am not going to let it slip.

I am by myself again and I am killing my time telling you stories. I have always missed you and there is not a day goes by that I am not thinking about you. Thinking of you makes me become all sentimental and emotional sometimes. The death of my brother brought me to you and I find strength and serenity in you. Almost everything I have let you known and the stories remain to be read and reminisced. All the women I have been involved with, you know who they are. I still think about them and wonder what would they be doing. I wonder too if they are thinking of me. I have become quiet to most of them. I supposed silenced make the heart grows fonder. Women, they are still my weaknesses while love, makes me afraid of women.

The headache came back and it is hurting. I might have to go for a check up soon when things are stabled. I have to go Diary. Love you always.

My First Day of Work

Hello Diary,

Wow...I am on my first day of work. I was late but not because I was not punctual but because I did not have a clear direction of who and where to report to. Can you imagine that? In addition to that, as if there was not a better time for my bowel to be active, nature call just had to call in when I was rushing to get to where I was supposed to. I am happy for now although I wished I would have some words of encouragement from someone. The lunch break is 2 hours and that was sufficient to make me contented.

I am sitting at a bench in front of the Singapore river and there is a couple who is fighting with each other. I am having a good time chuckling to myself at the spectacular "show" they put up. Well, at least I have some kind of entertainment to enjoy during lunch hour. There are many people who jog here Diary and as usual I wish I could do the same. I wonder if these people have a full time job. Looking at the situation now, I think I could do this too you know since my lunch break is 2 hours daily. This is fun but still to be my own boss is still what I desire and I know I will achieve that.

I have not made any friends yet but I know I will soon. Anyway, it does not really matter does it? I do not enjoy going for lunch in a crowd. I have always prefered to be on my own and I could not care less about lunch anyway. I got to do my own thing during lunch and that suffice to make me feel comfortable. At least I still have time to be on my own during work. Oh Diary, I am just thinking to come up with some activity that I can do during lunch. I hope I will be comfortable here to stay for as long as it takes to be where I want to be. The training will be 3 days. I am excited and please pray for my well being in this new company. I love you Diary.

My Mini Thoughts

Dear Diary,

It is funny that I cannot enjoy my last day of carefree lifestyle when I really wanted to enjoy it...mother is the culprit and now I am feeling that I do not have enough rest for my first day of work in a new environment. There goes my day and it is time to start working for a better tomorrow. Ohh...I wish I would have one more day to enjoy my freedom from work. I want to watch the DVD all day without worrying about anything. *sighs*

Aku Nak Khawin Nur KasihKu

Hello Diary,

Hari ini aku menghabiskan masa dengan bermain games yang baru sahaja aku download di iPad aku. Bermacam macam games yang aku download sehingga aku hayal bermain games itu sepanjang hari. Oh ya...kalau dalam bahasa Melayu, maksudnya aku memuat turun, betul kan? Tidak pernah aku mendengar perkataan itu tetapi sejak kita memasuki dunia yang canggih ini, seringkali aku mendengar perkataan itu lebih lebih lagi apabila berada di Malaysia. Siapa yang bertanggungjawab atas perkataan itu, aku sendiri pun tidak tahu tetapi aku yakin sesiapa sahaja yang decide perkataan itu adalah yang paling tepat untuk download, sememangnya dia bijak. Jikalau engkau bertanya pada aku, aku sendiri pun tidak punyai perkataan yang aku rasa sesuai. Mungkin vocabulary Melayu aku tidak sehebat sang pencipta itu.

Minggu lepas aku sibuk menghadiri majlis perkhawinan adik saudaraku. Umurnya 28 tahun dan memang sesuailah untuk dia berkhawin. Sampai sahaja di sana, aku melihat bertapa gahnya pelamin dia. Bertingkat tingkat dan tinggi sekali pelaminnya seolah olah dia mahu semua yang hadir dapat melihat pengantin dengan jelas. Walau apa pun niat dia, memang tidak akan aku nampak sebab aku rabun. Setinggi mana pun atau sebesar mana pun pelamin dia, aku harus squint kan mata aku jikalau aku mahu nampak dalam jarak jauh. Tidak ada contact lens atau spectacle. Memang aku macam itu. Aku tidak suka memakai semua itu. Pada aku, ianya leceh. Walaupun aku drive, memang aku tidak memakai specs.

Melihat adik saudaraku begitu gembira, terdetik di hati aku ingin merasai apa yang dia rasa apabila perempuan yang dia cinta dapat dia memiliki secara sah. Kadang kadang aku melayan jugak perasaan aku. Dalam hati aku cuma wonder jikalau cinta sejenis diizinkan agama, mungkin sudah lama aku berkhawin. Tetapi, itu hanya hayalan. Sememangnya cinta sejenis tidak di izikan dan janganlah aku terus berhayal begitu. Kadang kadang aku sedih dengan keadaan diri. Belum lagi hati ini terbuka. Entah bila aku pun tak tahu. Teringin sekali aku rasakan bagaimana rasanya berpimpingan tangan dengan cinta buah hati berjalan menuju ke pelamin. Teringin sekali aku rasakan. Kadang kala aku berhayal sendirian. Tetapi, aku gembira sekarang. Biarlah keadaan yang menentukan. Yang penting aku tahu siapa diri aku dan aku selesa dan gembira.

Kalau ada pun perasaan sedih, aku rasa itu lumrah manusia. Kita selalu diadili walaupun diri kita tidak dikenali. Cara kita berpakaian, bercakap, berjalan dan segala galanya yang kita lakukan, semuanya diadili oleh golongan manusia yang tidak pernah kita kenal. Inilah dunia. Senang sahaja manusia mengadili dan menghukum tanpa perbicaraan. Kalau perempuan yang merokok, itu perempuan liar dan kalau perempuan bertudung, itu perempuan baik. Siapa diri kita yang sebenar tiada siapa pun yang peduli. Luaran sahaja yang menjadi yardstick atau pengukur untuk kita digolongkan dalam category apa. Sedih kan?

Kadang kala aku rasa penat sekali. Penat untuk mencuba. Lebih baik berdiam daripada berkata apa apa. Mendiamkan diri adalah defence mechanism yang sangat mujarab walau apa pun situasinya. Ingin sekali aku menjerit sekut hati pada dunia yang aku bukan apa yang disangkakan. Tak apalah Diary....biarkan sahaja. Yang penting aku jaga sahaja hal sendiri.

Malam ini, adik saudaraku dengan parents nya datang ke rumah aku untuk meminta tolong ayah dan ibuku mewakilinya untuk merisik buah hatinya. Satu persatu adik saudaraku akan berkhawin. Lagi sekali aku hanya dapat menumpang gembira. Aduhai Diary....kenapa malam ini aku rasakan tulisan Melayu aku tak sedap langsung bila dibaca? Macam mana mahu aku jadi seperti Andrea Hirata kalau tulisan Melayu aku bunyi macam radio rosak sahaja?

Oh geez...I really think that I should brush up on my Malay. It is a shame if I cannot write a simple well written Malay essay. Alahai...biarkan sahaja lah. Aku mahu cuba dan terus mencuba seperti apa Broken Angel cakap. Jangan berhenti dari mencuba walaupun banyak obstacles. Yaa...aku gembira melihat saudaraku gembira tetapi pada masa yang sama aku pun sedih dengan diriku. Perempuan yang boleh dipanggil cinta hatiku, Nur Kasihku...bila boleh aku sarungkan cincin di jarinya dan memilikinya secara official. Oh sudah tentu tidak boleh...lagi sekali aku berhayal...keep on dreaming FaikaNur.

Oh Diary....aku rasa masa untuk tidur sudah sampai. Mari bermimpi dan selamat malam.

My Mum and Her Driving License

Dear Diary,

I just came back from JB with my parents. It was a tiring day. I was feeling sleepy while driving and yes I have to admit I just could not wait to go home to rest. I am having a headache that is really making me feel uncomfortable. Sometimes I wonder why did my mum ever bothered to learn how to drive when she does not really use the skill to the fullest. I mean, come on Diary...she has her license and I just do not understand why are they still dependent on me to bring them to places they want to go.

Do not misunderstand me; I am just so tired sometimes you know. I really wish my parents would be independent soon. Mum still needs a lot of practice behind the wheel. Her maneuvering skills still suck and I am very concern about it. Dad has just bought her a car in Tangkak. She has driven it for about 6 to 7 times but I cannot deny the fact that I really wonder how the instructor ever let her passed. Honestly, in my most sincere opinion she really needs a lot of practice. I got so tense everytime I sat beside her simply just to watch her drive. I was so worked up at the way she drives and maneuvers. I swear there can easily be world war three if I had let my temper get the better of me. Watching her drive is something that I take as a test to my temper.

I feel bad at times when I snapped at her while she was driving but I could not help it. There were times when I let her on her own but she could not last the whole driving session. She still needs guidance on lots of things especially on how to park the car. You know, my mother she is never a technical person. I can teach her how to operate the DVD player a hundred times today and she can forget about it the next day. Mum has just bought an iPad for her own use and frankly, I really think it is a waste. On a scale of 1 to 10, she only uses it at level 1. I have taught her of the basics but really, if she does not try to use it on her own, all my efforts teaching her will go to waste. That goes the same with the car.

I am somewhat disappointed with my mum. She does not seem excited about her new car. She does not want to be eager about driving. I hope she would at least be thrilled about brushing up her driving skills with a car, she can call her own but she does not. I wish I could be relaxed about it soon but I know until the day she manages to park the car on her own, only then I can be at ease. Believe me Diary, she takes ages to reverse parking and I cannot believe she has difficulty to forward parking too. Well yeah, I could understand that. I too, had trouble doing reverse parking when I just had my license but forward parking?

My parents are retiring end of this year, will be moving to Tangkak, and if my mum is still not skillful in her driving then I really should be worried. As much as I want her to be independent, skillful and confident, I do not want her to compromise on her safety, get what I mean?

The Things I Took So Long To Realise...

Hello Diary,

I have just reprimanded Hang Tuah for his misbehaviour. It has been two days continuously and his attitude just drove me up the wall. I find myself shouting at him trying to discipline him and I took the cane to hit him but I simply could not hit him with it. Perhaps he is just too adorable to be reprimanded with a cane or maybe I simply do not have the heart to carry out harsh disciplinary actions on animals, which I know can be very helpless. If you ask me what my weaknesses are, I would say my family, the elderly and animals. If I can do miracles, I would protect all the animals on earth. I cannot tolerate cruelty to animals. If I come across any cruelty to animals, I am sure I would have stand up for the animals. 

How has it been going for you Diary? Things on my side are fine I guess. Yes, I had found a job since the last entry I wrote to you and after three days, I quit. Nothing is new isn’t it? Well I hated the job and I was not comfortable in there. The environment and the benefits in the end to me are not attractive. Well, I found a new job again and this time I somewhat know I can stay long. I have not started work yet, they are doing some background financial checks and I am waiting for the clearance. The job scopes are the same with the old bank I was with and I know I have an ex colleague who will be working together with me, so yeah I can say with confidence that I will be comfortable here.  

The interview went well and I have set up my mind to tell the interviewer the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but of course that did not how exactly it happened actually. Well who could have blamed me? Nobody tells the truth in an interview. You somehow have to cook some sort of stories to secure the job. Telling the whole truth and nothing but the truth is madness and a risk. The interviewer was an ex staff of the old bank I used to work for. It was a smooth interview because he asked me questions that were fair and not very difficult to answer. The interview was straightforward, simple and long. I asked him relevant questions that I have just read over the internet on the most suitable questions to ask during an interview. I listened to him and I answered his questions earnestly. Of course, I did not tell him that I have had two short previous banking experiences after my last job and before the interview. That was really the part that I was not honest. I could not, and anybody would have agreed with me. How can I include 13 days and 3 days of experiences in my resume? Doing that would just be suicidal that will lead to other more difficult to answer questions.     

At the end of the interview, he offered me the position right away and I knew I nailed it. I wanted this job Diary. The environment would suit me and I know I would be comfortable. He asked what my concerns are and I told him there are only two things that I look for in a company which are the financial rewards and how comfy I can get in that new environment. That was a candid answer. After job hunting and well, perhaps job-hopping, sincerely I realised how important it is to be comfortable in a new environment.  However, there are two things to aim at in my life:  first, to get what I want and after that, to enjoy it. It took me almost my whole life to realise that only the wisest of humankind achieve the second. The environment has to be conducive and superiors have to be tactful on how to tackle issues with staffs. Honestly, I was comfortable with my job before but yeah I was looking for more in terms of monetary rewards to open my own food stall quickly. You know that happiness is excitement that has found a settling down place but there is always a little corner that keeps flapping around.  

I got the job, which offers me great monetary rewards, but I swear the working environment sucks to the core. I felt like I was going to hell when I reported to work. Hence, monetary rewards are not really the whole thing; you have to be happy coming to work or at least at ease and comfortable. Now I know.   Man is fond of counting his troubles, but he does not count his joys.  If he counted them up as he ought to, he would see that every lot has enough happiness provided for it. 

Hidupkan Mimpi Itu

Hello Diary,

Sudah sekian lama aku tidak menulis dalam bahasa Melayu. Rindu. Itu lah satu satunya descriptions yang boleh aku rasakan pada kau dan seluruh orang orang yang pernah atau masih aku sayangi. Rindu sekali pada keadaan hidup dahuluku di Subang Jaya. Ya, aku masih tidak boleh get over the fact that I have moved back to Singapore. Oh maafkan aku ya, terlupa sekejap yang aku sedang berbicara dalam Bahasa Melayu pada kau. Kadang kadang, boleh dikatakan aku hayal hingga lupa pada objective utama. 

Sedih. Ya sedih aku dengan keadaan diri. Sudah sekian lama tapi masih lagi ada harapan untuk kembali ke Subang Jaya tempat yang pernah membuat aku rasa gembira sekali. Walaupun tidak kaya, tapi kehidupan aku masa itu cukup untuk membahagiakan aku. Dengan kawan kawan yang aku sayangi, aku amat gembira berada di sana walaupun berjauhan dari keluarga. Hidup aku kini selepas 2 tahun kembali masih lagi dibayangi oleh pengalaman pahit dan manis aku di sana. Sudah berapa kali bertukar perkerjaan kerana aku hanya berkerja sebab aku tahu aku mesti berkerja. Tidak pernah aku berkerja dan berasa happy dengan perkerjaan itu. 

Usah ditanya berapa kerja yang sudah aku ada atau berapa interviews yang sudah aku pergi. Banyak sekali pengalaman interviews yang aku kumpul hingga aku rasa aku boleh meneka apa yang akan ditanya oleh interviewers interviewers itu. Banyak sekali pengalaman aku sehingga aku sudah berasa mual dan jelak dengan routine mencari kerja. Aku begitu ghairah mencari kerja dahulu ketika baru pulang ke Singapura tetapi keadaan sudah berubah bagi diriku. Menyampah, malas dan sudah tidak ada semangat untuk menjalani routine itu semula kerana aku tahu aku tidak pernah ada hati yang penuh untuk melakukan kerja itu bersungguh sungguh. Aku hanya berkerja dengan harapan aku boleh mengumpul duit dengan secepat mungkin atau sebanyak yang mungkin dalam masa yang singkat supaya aku boleh membuka business aku sendiri dan secara tidak langsung aku boleh menjejakkan kaki ke Subang Jaya lagi. 

Diary, kalau engkau tahu sejujur jujurnya, aku memang tidak pernah berhasrat membuat perkerjaan yang pernah aku ada di sini sebagai career. Begitu lantang aku berbicara di dalam interiew sehingga aku senang mendapat perkerjaan. Ada kalanya aku berpendapat kalaulah ada pertandingan best interrviewee, memang sudah lama aku mengangkat trophy kemenangan. Tapi sebenarnya aku hanya menipu diri sendiri. Oh, I am not merely looking for a job but I am looking for a job which I hope to turn it into my career. Itulah ayat aku yang selalu aku gunakan untuk memancing interviewer untuk memilih aku. Bila diberi peluang itu, aku hanya boleh bertahan dalam 3 hingga 6 bulan sahaja. 

Penipu. Itulah aku Diary. Tetapi, aku rasa bukan aku seorang sahaja yang buat begitu. Inilah dunia dan selamat datang ke dunia aku ucapkan pada semua. Siapa sahaja yang tidak pernah menipu di dalam interview? Bohong sekali kalau tidak ada langsung di antara kita yang menipu. Itulah hakikatnya bahawa kita harus score dalam interview untuk memiliki kerja itu. Cuba bayangkan senario ini Diary, jikalau aku berterus terang dengan interviewer bahawa aku memilih untuk memohon kerja itu kerana aku harus berkerja untuk menyara diriku kerana diriku ini mempunyai keperluan asas yang harus aku jaga. Ini adalah soal makan dan minum dan soal aku ingin mencapai cita cita aku sebab aku ingin mencari wang yang banyak untuk membolehkan aku membuka sendiri kedai makanku yang sudah lama aku impikan. 

Kebenaranya, aku tidak pernah mahu membuat perkerjaan ini sebagai career aku sebab aku mempunyai agenda aku sendiri. Berkerja untuk setahun atau setahun setengah sehingga duit dan criteria aku mencukupi untuk mempunyai business sendiri. Yaaa....itulah dia jawapan aku.

Adakah kau rasa aku akan diambil kerja sedangkan aku memang tiada minat atau passion langsung untuk melakukan tugas itu. Semestinya interviewer mahukan seorang yang boleh berkerja lama di dalam syarikat itu. Sebab, high percentage of staffs turnover tidak begitu menguntungkan syarikat. 

Memang dari aku kecil, kalau bermain sendirian atau dengan abang abangku, aku akan memainkan peranan sebagai seorang penjaja makanan. Kertas akan aku gunting mengikut ukuran wang kertas untuk aku teruskan imaginasi aku bahawa kertas itu adalah wang. Products jualan aku ketika itu selalunya makanan seperti mee rebus, mee siam, lontong, mee soto dan macam macam lagi makanan. Itulah permainan aku ketika kecil dan sumpah aku tidak pernah bosan dengan permainan itu. Memang aku bercita cita untuk menjadi bos dari kecil. Suka sekali aku pada idea untuk menjadi nadi dalam syarikat milik aku sendiri. 

Penat. Aku penat Diary. Aku penat untuk bermimpi lagi. Banyak kesilapan yang aku buat di dalam hidupku yang jikalau aku meneliti keadannya, aku sebenarnya hanya membuang masa dengan berhayal dan bermimpi. Marah sungguh aku dengan diriku. Marah yang tidak pernah aku boleh tunjukkan. Mungkin juga aku sudah mula berputus asa dengan harapan, mimpi dan hayalan yang pernah aku agung agungkan. Tetapi, pernah aku mendengar bahwa mimpi adalah kunci untuk kita menakluki dunia. Mimpi yang bagaimana rupanya Diary? 

Aku tahu hidup tidak selalu adil tetapi kita boleh mengubah keadaan jika kita mahu. Ya, aku masih punyai mimpi dan cita cita cuma aku tahu ia akan mengambil masa untuk mencapainya. Tiada mimpi yang mustahil untuk kita. Sampai ke bulan sudah manusia jelajah inikan pula untuk mempunyai kedai makan sendiri. Aku hanya perlu akur dan tunduk dengan keadaan bahawa walaupun aku tidak suka atau tidak ada passion melakukan kerja yang aku buat, aku harus menghabiskannya sehingga aku capai criteria aku untuk membuka kedai makanku sendiri. Itulah dia theory yang simple dan mudah sangat difahami yang aku ambil 2 tahun untuk memahami semenjak pulang ke Singapura. 

Bodoh. Mungkin juga tapi jangan salahkan aku Diary. Saudaraku pernah memberikan pendapatnya terhadap aku. Dia bilang, aku ini adalah late bloomer. Ya mungkin juga. A very ambitious and a strong headed woman but very impatient yang selalu lambat sedar tentang keadaan. Diary, aku masih punyai nilai. Aku tahu walau berkali kali aku tersungkur dan terjatuh, aku tahu nilai diriku masih sama dengan manusia lain. Yang membezakan aku sama dia hanyalah seteguh mana iman dan amal kami. Bersabarlah wahai diriku sayang, biarpun lambat perjalanan aku, asalkan aku jangan berhenti sampailah aku di sana nanti. 

Get That Fighting Spirit Back

Dear Diary,

I wonder if you find it hard to breate sometimes because I do. Everytime when that happens, I feel like there is something heavy on my chest making it harder for me to inhale and exhale. I am not sure why but that happens to me always. I can inhale but the inhalation does not seem to suffice. Nevertheless, I am still breathing and I suppose I still have that to be thankful. 

I have been rude to Hello Kitty again and I know it has taken its toll on her so she shot back at me this time. I let it be because I thought I ought to have it. If you ask if I deserved Singapore capital punishment for doing that, I would say yes. Time and again, I find it hard to control my temper and often I snapped at her for the slightest and silliest mistake I thought she did. I feel lousy nowadays losing the spirit to live and to reach for my dreams. Shit happens and I let it got the better of me. 

Occassionally, I would think that I do not deserve any love from another human being given my attitude like that. I do not appreciate the people who love me and always take them for granted. I supposed that is really who I am. I know I have not been good to the people surrounding me and I have no excuses for that. Honestly, I really think I should be alone so I will stop hurting people or make them cry. I have broken too many hearts I have lost count already. I am trying to be a better person, I have tried and I think I tried too hard until I feel so helpless. 

How are you Diary? I hope you are not sick of my stories that are lace with miseries and depression. I am not sure of what is going on with me. Yes, I have felt that I have had enough of these dreams that I have had. It has always been these dreams that keep me going but I am beginning to lose hope and faith. I am starting to weaken on the inside and somehow lose my fighting spirit. I do not even know the answers to simple questions anymore.

I need to find myself back Diary. I need to do it quick. 

Glee - Perfect (Lyrics) HD

I Cannot Cope Anymore...

Dear Diary,

I do not know how to begin. I feel so angry with myself, perhaps a little disappointed. I believe I have made a wrong decision again. Time after time, I have taught myself to get over it and I thought I did but I did not. It is just so difficult for me. I know what I want but I simply do not have the strength to go on. I am so tired most of the times. To be honest, to tell you the degree of disappointments I have to myself, it is like taking a dagger and stabs it into my heart repeatedly. That is how I feel right now.

Perhaps that is not enough, I could do with banging my head onto the wall until I break my skull so that the broken skull would pierce into my brain. I am so angry now and I do not know how to let go. I cannot talk about this frankly to anybody because I know people will just get sick and tired. Who wants to hear sad stories? All everyone is interested in is happy stories. I do not know how many times I have sighed for today and I know it is not a good thing to be doing. I know I am angry but I do not have the channel to let go. 

I have only you. I have been keeping to myself lately. I am too ashamed to let you know. You have been there for me, I know but I have not been likewise. What the fuck am I doing now Diary? I should not have made that fucking decision but I did and now I have myself into trouble. All my life this is what I have been facing. All troubles but nothing. I fucking hate myself now. All the talks and all the efforts, they have just gone to waste. I fucking hate this so much!  I hate everybody and I hate myself. Fuck fuck fuck!

I am so screwed now Diary. I really feel like giving up now. I do not know how to tell you anymore. I do not pray anymore. I am so angry about everything. I know I should not be feeling this way but I cannot help it. I have lost all hope and faith. I am tired, I really am. I am stressed and my brain simply cannot take it anymore. I have tried to do my best and stay optimistic but I failed again. How many failures do I have to have in my life? I can only take so much. 

You will not know Diary. When your desire is stronger than your capability, it can make you insane slowly. I know I used to be the one-woman crusader. I was almost invincible. Nothing can hurt me and I do not regret anything. However, I have lost that spirit. It is the age maybe but I know I do not have it anymore. I wish I could have it back in me so I can shield myself from any disappointments or stress. No one will understand me. Sometimes, it hit me. I know now why did I have had so many girlfriends before. That explains why I have had so many jobs before. When I have it, I never feel contented. All I want is more without being thankful for what I already have. 

I am fucking jobless now for a month and I have not gotten any offers yet. I have sent enough resumes but this time it seems harder to even get an interview appointment. I did not stay long in that dream job of mine because I hated my fucking manager so much. I hated everything about her and how she handled me. Perhaps my ego was too big for me to handle than her. Either way, I knew I would not last a month in that job. Things did not go my way Diary. I have this desire to come back to Subang Jaya but my heart just could not wait. I knew I have to wait and be patient about it but I cannot. I know it is I that I have to deal with. The problems have always been me. I have never been part of the solution instead; I have always been a part of the problems. 

I am so sorry for myself. I tried to talk about this to people, but I know it will defeat the purpose. What can they do Diary? Even Hello Kitty seemed to be too occupied to console me. She made me promise not to change my job when I finally got myself a new job. I am not sure when will that be. It does not look good on my side. I have decided not to talk about it to her anymore. I guess there are some things that I simply have to keep them reserved. 

I wonder what is it about me that makes her stay. Looking back at how I have treated her, everybody would agree that I am not girlfriend material. I am not worth it. I know that and I am assuming she knows that too. There are too many miseries and failures in my life. I have failed school, I have failed in business, I have failed in investments, I have failed in my career and I have failed in so many relationships. I am 35 this year and I do not know where I am going. I have failed my parents, I have failed myself, I have failed so many people who have loved me once and I probably have failed Him. Perhaps I am just born to be a failure. I am beginning to believe that. I am blunt spontaneously sometimes which people can mistake that as rude. Rolly Polly would agree with that. Even Traveller, Manhattan, Pumpkin, Dark Chocolate, Gummy Bear, Hippo, Flying Waitress, Pontianak, Broken Angel, Minah Rempit, BabyDee, Vogue, Little Sister, Infinity, Hello Kitty and perhaps Beautiful would agree too. I am not sure of Flying Babe, I do not know what she thinks of me now. I wish I knew but I do not. But really, it does not matter anymore now does it? It does not make a difference. I am nobody to anybody now. A dreamer will not change just like how a leopard cannot change its spots. 

It saddened me to be talking like this about myself. Believe me Diary, if I could stay stronger I wouldn’t talk like this. I have to admit defeat this time. It was never easy for me to come back here. You know where my heart belongs. You know what my desires are. You know who I love. You know what I want to do. No one, no one knows me best but you. I was forced to come back and what do you expect me to feel Diary? I was not ready to come back, honest to God. It was always there that I want to be. Everybody knows that. I was all alone, even if I had friends, I still had to rely on myself.  I am struggling then and I am still struggling now. I have failed so many times that I am beginning to feel so worthless. It is not easy for me. It has never been easy. Nobody would have understand, even how best I tried to explain. Therefore, it is not really worth the try of telling and explaining.   

I do not know how I feel now but I still know what I want. People may have done their judgements on me or perhaps I have done the judgement on myself but I am still breathing Diary. I am still breathing and deep inside me, I know when I own my breath, nobody can steal my peace. I will learn how to smile once again, breathe with contentment and go slowly. What matters most is I never stop. 

I Miss You

Dear Diary,

I miss you so much and I am sorry for not writing.

I Hope To Cross The Mountain

Dear Diary,

The training was boring and I was uncomfortable there. I felt very different from the previous bank I was with. This bank is more strict and stringent with their rules and regulations. All the other trainees were much younger than I am and somehow I felt left out. I had been warned about this and I absolutely understand. There will be tests and quizzes after every topic covered and we have to score at least eighty percent to pass. We are only allowed to re-sit once and if we fail again, our contracts with the bank might have to be reviewed. 

The other trainees are mostly men and there were only two other woman including myself. The other female trainee is a 20 year old woman who wore like as if she was going to the club. I did not pay much attention to the rest. All I wanted was the training to be over as soon as possible. I cannot wait to go out to the field to make sales and bring home a handsome salary. Jason, who sat beside me, yawned non- stop and I couldn’t help but to chuckle at his natural ways. Diva Devil, the 20 year old woman trainee was given a brief comment by the trainer not to wear such dresses again as it is too revealing. I just sat there and listened while observing the environment.

I am not sure what I feel about this. I have not got myself comfortable yet I guess. I simply want to make money, lots of it and I know I have to ignore other unpleasant distractions that I might have here. I do not have to mind about the working colleagues I will have, it will just be the bank and me. That is all that matters. I miss Hello Kitty as she accompanied me for the interview. Somehow, I miss her familiar face in this new environment. I felt safe when she accompanied me and I wish she would be here but she is not. I assume I have to brave myself for this whole new and totally different atmosphere. Wish me all the good things and pray for my perseverance to be strong as nobody trips over mountains.  It is the small pebble that has been causing me to stumble.  I want to pass all the pebbles in my path and I will find that I have crossed the mountain.