I Am A Labourer Now

Dear Diary,

The job hunting has stopped. I have gotten myself a temporary job that pays peanut but I am happy doing it. It is cheap labour but as long as it keeps me happy coming to work, I shall stay to complete the contract. I did not need to go for any interviews for this job. I just needed to agree to work as a hard labourer and the job is mine. It is a three months contract and yes, this is a holiday job. Work starts at eight in the morning and ends at whenever.

The people in the new workplace are friendly. There are many temporary staffs as well and most of them are way much younger than I am. I did not feel uncomfortable though because the environment here is simply simple. I come to work and wait for instructions. I do as per instructed and then I go home. When I got home, I do not need to think about work neither do I have to dream about work. It is a carefree holiday job that does not give me any pressure at all.

I wear jeans, t-shirt and sneakers to work. Ocassionally I would wear slippers. I do not join the crowd with proper office wear anymore instead I join the blue collar crowd nowadays. It is the nature of my new job that makes me relax I guess. I do not need to iron my office wear clothes anymore instead I grab any of my old scruffy levis jeans and any t-shirt to go along with it. If I am too lazy to wear my sneakers, I would just slip onto my slippers. I do not do my hair neither do I put on some make up to work because I will get sweaty and dirty therefore there is absolutely no need to look pretty.

On my first day, I was taught how to fold some of the boxes used to pack the products. On my second day, I was taught how to pack the products into the boxes and on my third day, I was taught how to scan the products before packing them into the boxes. It is a fun job suitable for people like me. I have gotten sick of having a desk bound job. I have got fed up with a job in the air conditioned office that promise me nothing but unhappiness. I am tired of the rat race Diary and I ended myself in a warehouse. *grins* Now what do you have to say to that?

The warehouse is not an air conditioned warehouse but there are many wall fans that can blow your wig off your head if you are wearing one. It is a good thing that I wear my hair short. It can be very irritating having such powerfull fans blowing your hair all over your head while you are trying to get some work done. I am attached to Giraffe. She is a mother of three and is a full time permanent staff of that logistic company. She has a very playful character which makes me feel comfortable working with her. I have fun at work.

At times, I chuckle to myself watching Giraffe works because she has this funny characteristic that only makes you want to be playful with her. Everybody thought I was Chinese on my first day. I even had people talking to me in Mandarin. It was the usual stuffs for me. I knew I had it coming. I have been getting a lot of that since I was young. Anyway, I like this job because I do not have to write any report neither do I have to achieve any sales target. It is just me and the boxes. There are a couple of things that I have to learn but it is not as difficult as doing sales for banks.

The job is very physical demanding less of my brain power. It is a simple job that gives me some peace before I decide what do I do with my life. We are still submitting the loans application. I had been hopeful and I am still hopeful that at least one or two out of the many applications we will be sending are successful. There is still a silent strong desire in me to be my own boss, once again.

Few Little Stories

Hello Diary,

I am good today. I felt rejuvenated and calm. I had two appointments today in the morning and that helped to kill the time in the morning. I finished at 1130, had my lunch in town and I went straight home. Life was easy today since I did not have to idle much outside. The house was empty when I got home. Mother is working in the afternoon shift and that really suit my schedule. You see...I had resigned from that job, remember the most boring job ever?  I could not take it anymore. That job was full of nonsense. I just did not feel I belong there. 

I tendered on June 1 and Mr. Tortoise let me go immediately. I was not a confirmed staff so he could give me an early release. I took his offer without having second thoughts and now, I am just back, to what I am good. I have decided I do not want any permanent job. Therefore, I am on the lookout for any temporary job and most likely, I will know my place tomorrow. I guess I just have to wait. Both the interviews today went well. Not much of dramas or lying as I answered them accordingly. 

The loan is still pending. We need to wait for another one or two more months before we can make a fresh application. I am waiting and I think Hello Kitty is waiting too, patiently. I suppose she is the most patient of the two of us. I am not complaining I am simply doing what I have to do waiting. I have taught myself to be relaxed. I guess being out of that boring job did me some good, as I no longer feel pressured to achieve anything. There are many things about that job that makes it so lame. It is simply not worth talking about.

I am in my last year of being a youth Diary. In addition, I am still trying to decide what I want to do as a career. I may still look like a lost child but I know what I want, it is just that time is not on my side yet. I have told myself many times about that. I bought myself a new phone. Well, I did not exactly buy one. I renewed my contract for another two years with the telephone operator I am with and I have to choose between iPhone 4 and Samsung S2 free. At first, I opted for iPhone but the colour I had wanted was out of stock and the salesgirl suggested Samsung S2 to me. She said it is more user friendly than iPhone and many of her colleagues had switched from iPhone to S2. I took her advice and I never looked back since. 

On the first night of using S2, I was somewhat awkward. Everything seemed different and I have not understood what was so great about this android phone. It has claimed many praises and some reviewers even said that it could be the best phone on earth. Well, I gave myself 3 days and I could not agree more with them. This android phone is simply amazing and it has more features than an iPhone. I can do more with it. It is interactive and it really lives by its name smart phone, while iPhone is simply an iPhone. Oh well, enough said Diary. This phone is a birthday gift to me and I love every bit of it.

I surrendered myself to Allah this evening. After shower, I took my wudhu and prayed. It has been a long time. I do not want to get too lost Diary. I know somehow I have to get back to Him. I have been reading a lot of motivational stories and quotes. I suppose I have something that I can still be proud of, determination. It is okay that even at this age, I am still struggling to make a living but that is only because I am too stubborn to submit myself to being an employee permanently. I want to be my own boss. I do not want to have people bossing me around. How long will I take to be there? Well, beats me but I had been one before and I am sure I can do it again, can't I?

Sedikit Dari Apa Aku Rasa

Hello Diary, 

Apa khabar kau di sana? Sudah terasa lama sekali aku tidak menulis. Jadual harian tidaklah begitu sibuk tapi masih tidak ada masa untuk menulis. Hari hari yang aku lalui seperti biasa. Hanya menunggu masa for that something to happen. Sementara menunggu, aku masih lagi mengharap dengan penuh yakin bahawa suatu hari akan terjadi juga perkara yang sangat aku ingini sekali. Pernah aku terasa seperti mahu menyerah kalah tetapi sebagai manusia, masih ada sedikit perasaan untuk tidak berputus asa. Lumrah hidup...bila gagal atau lama sangat menunggu, pasti akan terasa seperti putus harapan atau hilang segala semangat yang ada.  

 Aku masih berusaha walaupun usaha aku tidaklah begitu effective tapi hanya itu yang mampu aku lakukan. Kadang kala, teringin sekali meminta dari ibu bapaku tetapi siapalah diri ini. Aku tidak pernah membanggakan mereka apatah lagi menyenangkan mereka. Sudah tak terkira berapa kali kegagalan aku. Buat itu tak menjadi buat ini tak menjadi. Apa sahaja yang boleh aku buat yang akan menjadi. Kalau diukur kajayaan aku...mungkin hanya seberapa baris sahaja di muka surat pertama. Tidak perlu muka surat kedua untuk mencatit kejayaan aku.  Tetapi...despite all that, aku tahu aku masih ada cita cita, harapan, semangat dan mungkin juga segelintir teman teman yang percaya aku akan sampai juga di destinasi aku. 

Ya Tuhan...sungguh tidak senang untuk diri aku mengharungi jalan ini. Mungkin senang pada yang lain tapi bukan untuk aku sebab aku adalah seorang dreamer yang mudah hilang focus. Aku tahu apakah yang ada di dada aku tapi aku hanya manusia yang perlukan sokongan moral. Ini bukan self pity tetapi hanya kenyataan yang jujur.  Sudah berapa hari aku menghabiskan masa membaca tentang fakta fakta untuk project aku. Ada juga aku berkongsi dengan ibuku tetapi hanya kritikan demi kritikan yang dilemparkan kepadaku. Aku hanya berdiam seribu bahasa dan pada masa itu juga aku tahu, walau macam mana susah atau lambat pun aku mesti berdiri di atas kaki sendiri. Aku tidak marah, cuma terkilan tetapi siapa yang punya angkara kalau bukan diri aku sendiri? Kegagalan aku lebih banyak dari kejayaan aku, jadi janganlah berkecil hati jikalau dilayan sebegitu oleh seorang insan yang paling aku harapkan untuk memberi sokongan moral kepadaku.  

Diary, di dalam hati aku ada seperti satu perasaan yang sudah sekian lama aku pendamkan. Perasaan itu seperti melonjak lonjak tidak sabar untuk break free, kau paham maksud aku? Tapi masih belum boleh aku lepaskan perasaan itu. Banyak sekali perkara perkara yang membuat aku memendam perasaan aku dengan keluarga aku. Ia bukanlah dendam tapi satu perasaan yang susah untuk aku luahkan. Mungkin boleh, tapi mungkin juga itu hanya perasaan aku sendiri. Engkau pun tahu betapa sensitive hati aku ini. Mungkin juga perasaan yang aku ada hanyalah mainan hati dan emosi.

 Diary...ketahuilah engkau, aku menulis bukan untuk meminta atau menagih simpati. Ini hanya sedikit luahan yang perlu aku keluarkan daripada berbuku di dalam hati. Semua orang tahu kalau perasaan yang tidak sihat dibiarkan membesar di dalam hati, ia boleh menjadi suatu penyakit. Tidak pernah aku meminta mereka percaya kepadaku tetapi jauh di sudut hati, ingin sekali aku mendengar kata kata perangsang untuk aku membekalkan diri meneruskan perjalanan ini kerana aku tahu aku perlukan itu untuk membakar sedikit semangat yang telah tinggal di dalam diri ini. Semoga aku tabah, jiwa aku kuat dan minda aku sihat apabila sampai di sana kelak.

I Will Give Up If It Is Time

Dear Diary,

I am writing to you to let you know that I am on a verge of giving up. I have become so tired of things. My mood is not so good today and I know I need a break from things. Nothing that I had planned had worked out except to job hop. Come to think of it I really do not know what has gotten into me. It is not about love anymore. It has become so complex that I can never imagine. I am not sure if I still know what love is all about. 

Trust is life. I have heard that somewhere in a movie. Yeah, it was in Goodwill Hunting. The main ingredient to a successful relationship is trust. I suppose I have gotten sick and tired of attempting to be trustworthy in a relationship. I have become worn out of making an effort and explaining. There is a big ball of anger in my heart right now that I believe will explode anytime soon. I feel like shouting out so loud that even God cannot hear. I feel like smashing hundreds of watermelon with a baseball bat. I have never done it but I know doing it, will make me feel delightful. It gives me a good sense of satisfaction and a steady outflow of all the anger I have inside me. Watching the watermelon smashed into pieces that are just impossible to put back together will help to put my anger at ease.  

Diary, one thing I have learnt from everything I have gone through is to stop having hope. I hope everyday for my dreams to come true. Everybody said it was not easy but nobody said that it was going to be this difficult either. When someone gives you hope you start to wonder and ponder. Everything you do revolves around that glimpse of hope you have and you start to question yourself. I do not want to be indebted but at the same time, I want it so bad. I do not want to be misunderstood but I have become so tired of making it happen on my own. I have lost Diary. I know I have a choice.

I know I am not girlfriend material. I do not live in a cave where having friends and acquaintances are remotely impossible. I have my needs and I have my desires but I am only human that can only take so much of nonsense. Who is the bad guy here Diary? It has always been me. People judge me before they even knew me. It is sad, I know. It has got to a point where nothing really matters anymore, not even my dreams. At the end of the day, I believe it all boils down to myself. I have a choice to put a stop to this. What is love if you keep feeling lousy about yourself thinking about it? 

I have noticed that people pay too much attention to other people's fault that they overlook their own. They talk too much about themselves that in the end will only contradict themselves. I supposed we simply have to take a good look in the mirror and then we will know. It does not take a genius to figure that one. All the assumptions, we know that they are termites of relationships. However much we know it, we still assume very easily. And that is the saddest part of all because in jealousy there is more self-love than love and assumption is the great exaggerator.

Happy Mother's Day Emak

Thank you mother for giving me life, granting me the opportunity to breathe air, to learn how to walk and run again after the many falls, to experience sadness and happiness, to watch the sun rises and sets, to feel the rain on my skin and to celebrate love for all mankind...these simplest things I cannot repay, the gratitude I cannot express but you know this gratitude I have is the memory of our hearts, an art of of painting an adversity into a lovely picture...Happy Mother's Day Emak...

The Real Truth

Dear Diary,

It has been awkward for me. I have never felt this way before. Work has been such a bore to me nowadays. The environment here is so different from what I am used to and honestly, I have never expected it to be this way. I have become so lazy to the extent that I do not care anymore about my sales targets. I see no purpose in trying to be a good salesperson here. The monetary rewards is not impressive and most significantly, I have lost interest with anything relevant to this job. It is just unbelievable how they do things here. I am fed up with the redundant workflow systems and I am especially tired of being there.

I am turned off right on the very first day of work. I have said it before and I am going to say it again, this is by far the worst bank I have ever worked. Mr.T, my team leader is one hell of an egotistical man. He annoys me with his silly remarks about general issues making he look stupid and childlike. The department is unofficially divided into different groups. We are separated by our race by nature of its environment. There are many Chinese than any other races and the Chinese there are the type of Chinese who simply hang with their own race, so it seems. I may be wrong but this is what I feel and see. There is no racial integration and that makes me feel so awkward and uncomfortable. It is simply weird to be working in an environment like this.

It is different Diary. I cannot cope with the environment and I cannot comprehend the workflow. I do not know how long I can last there. The group of colleagues I am hanging with is the ones who have worked there for less than a year. They are the friendlier ones and there is a good balance of integration with this group of people. We have Indians, Malay, Chinese and Sikh. This is how it is supposed to be I guess. They are the ones that make me feel comfortable. I would not last a day without them, this I know for sure. I just come to work daily without any goals. For all I know, I have to be at work just so I could earn a living and fill up my time while waiting for my dreams to come true. Life is not easy nowadays Diary. Everytime I am halfway up, I am always halfway down.

I should have stayed in my previous job. Ermm...well never mind. I guess I must focus on the next thing to do. I could have asked from my parents but I am too ashamed now. If only I have not disappointed them too many times in my life, I would not be ashamed to ask from them. Perhaps, I should just be bold and ask from them but I know I cannot.

The loan application still needs a little more time to be finalised. So what else can I do except to wait? I have stopped myself from becoming too hopeful on it and to prepare for any bad news. I have become somewhat spiritless and mostly I mind my own things becoming oblivious to the surroundings. I am a walking ghost Diary. I wake up every morning to go to work that I never have a passion for. I go home to have my dinner, spend my time watching the television and I go to sleep whenever I decided to. Sometimes, I looked back at what went wrong and I supposed I have to stop feeling sorry about the mistakes I have made. Oh well Diary...life is indeed a roller coaster.

I am not enjoying my job but I am enjoying the company I have in my job. I am seated right next to a man who talks nonstop but I would say rather knowledgeable. He is a well-read person and he knows practically almost about anything and everything. I supposed that is why he talks nonstop. It can be very taxing to chat with him but I find him amusing sometimes. He is someone I would take as my entertainment in the office. He never fails to have topics for conversations and he is a man of his own. He goes lunch alone and he does not mind being alone without any friends. I guess he talks too much most of the times and this make people become uncomfortable with him.

I am still planning to have my own food stall Diary. I think I will someday, it is just a matter of time. I have to go now. Good night Diary.

It Is Mostly About Weekends

Dear Diary,

How has it been for you Diary? I wish you were in the pink of health. I have not been busy however; I have been spending a lot of my time with my family and work. For the past one month, I have not had one weekend to myself. I spent all weekends with my family. I had a barbeque party organized by my cousins and I spent the following weekend in Tangkak so as the next. Imagine this Diary, I work five days a week and weekend is the only time I have to rest or to spend my time in the comfort of my home. Can you believe me how I truly treasure my weekends now? It is simply natural for me to feel that way towards my weekend. When else can I enjoy some time on my own except on weekends?

I am going to Tangkak again this weekend and it is going to be a long weekend for me. I have applied for unpaid leave on Monday and I will only get back to work on Wednesday, as Tuesday is a public holiday. It is sure good to have a long weekend like this however, I always feel that weekends are a bit like rainbows; they look good from a distance but disappear when you get up close to them. I wish I could go elsewhere other than Tangkak. I guess I have to wait before than can happen.  The barbeque party was enjoyable even though it was a little boring. I supposed I do not have my favourite cousin, niece and nephews anymore to hang. Have I told you they have gone to Doha to live? It has been five months I think. Her husband was transferred to Doha and he brought along his whole family. I miss my niece so much and really wonder how she is getting along with the new environment there. We spent the night there by the beach and it was quite enjoyable. I set out two tents for my mother and myself. Dad and my brother did not spend the night there, as dad would be uncomfortable for sure.

There were plenty of food during the barbeque and that made it difficult to decide what to eat. I could say that there was an abundant supply of food and it was overwhelming actually. I brought egg sandwich and I had noticed that nobody really cared. I felt somewhat disappointed. I spent my time with Hello Kitty during the barbeque. If it was not for her, I would have felt bored and lonely. My only cousin that I am close with was away so that left me with no one else to get comfortable. I have a few cousin sisters that I can hang with but they are mostly a few years younger than I am.

I am getting used to my new job. The training is over and how thankful I am for that. Work is boring but at least it gives me time to write to you, discreetly of course. Well, I am not thinking of making this job permanent anyway. I have other plans that are waiting to be finalized. By the way, don’t I always have other plans Diary? I have learnt somewhere that life is always about planning. You must have a short-term plan and a long-term plan. Well, I have not stopped planning but I have stopped having too much hope on a plan I have created. The theory is simple, hope springs eternal in humans’ hearts but you also do not want to be crushed by your own hopes. Get what I mean?

Having worked here for almost a month, I am beginning to miss my old bank job. I miss everything about it especially the environment. I now realized that the grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence. I knew that but I was simply being human trying to maximize my potentials. I should have stayed longer in that bank so that I would only have six more months to the first phase of my business plans. I left too soon and now I have to start all over again. Hello Kitty has decided to be a shareholder and she is working out something to get the funds. I am waiting. I still have a little bit of patience and hopes in me and if she could come out with the funds, I am on a roll. Looking back, I have a lot to thank her even if she could not get the funds. It is her beliefs in me so as her believe in my ambitions and dreams. We are doing this together and I know she is doing it for her own or perhaps our future as well. You would not invest in something when you could not have a taste of the profits would you? It is not finalized yet, we are still waiting for the application to be successful. I am praying for the application to go through and I think she is doing likewise.

I have my business proposal ready and I spend my time in the office amending and fine-tuning it. That is all I do in the office nowadays other than doing what I am supposed to do. Yes, I have to admit that I am losing my focus in the office. I do not work as hard as I did in this bank than in the previous bank. I have deviated myself from the main purpose I got this job. Well, who could have blamed me? I was turned off with this job right on the very first day of training. I have officially declared that of all the job trainings I have had, this is by far the worst trainings ever! There, I have said it. If only I could mention the bank’s name…I gladly would. It sucks big time and it is no joke. Boredom is a sickness the cure for which is work; pleasure is only a palliative. 

You know Diary, have I told you that the old bank I worked for has many persons that reminded me of the people close to my heart. Rose, she reminded me of Pumpkin because of her looks, height, body and laughter. Almost everything about her made me think of Pumpkin. Fazleena the girl in the administration department reminded me of Dark Chocolate. It is how she looks, how she wears her hair and her body figure especially, all of them made me think a lot of Dark Chocolate. Then we have Samantha who resembles Flying Babe. I got goose bumps whenever I saw her. Therefore, really that office has so much comfort for me. I was very comfortable there. I did not worry about not getting relaxed there. The familiar characters in the office were sufficient to make me feel at ease. I do not know them when I first joined the bank but having the feel of knowing them because some things about them made me feel calm, safe and homely. Have you felt like that before? Their presence soothes you and you do not have anything to be bothered.

I am not feeling like that in this new bank Diary and so I know I do not have to stay if I do not want to.       

It Drives Me Up The Wall

Dear Diary,

Wow!! I have missed you a lot. I have paid you a visit occasionally and read what I have written to you, that helps to ease me a little. I would do the same to those I have missed. Whenever I fell like it, I would read the old chat logs or the messages I have had with them and yes, it reduces the feeling of missing them. How are you Diary? I am good and I am still in my training days with the new job. Are you surprise? I am surprise at how long the training is. I have been doing nothing except idling and minding my old business in the office. No specific instructions were given and I feel that the bank is wasting its resources for us the new hires.

Honestly, I am being paid for coming in to the office at 9 and leaving at 630 sharp. Lunch is 2 hours from 12 to 2 pm and there is no productivity from me. I am beginning to lose it but I am hanging on for the sake of fulfilling the minimum duration I am required to work otherwise I will have to pay them 2 months salary in lieu of early termination of contract. Yes, I am planning to leave but only after I have secured a business loan from a very close investor. If the loan application is successful, I will leave this job and start the business.

All the time I am in the office, I have been scrutinising my business proposal. I have dream of it and started imagining running it. Yes, I am a dreamer. Will the loan be approved? I do not know but I will carry on dreaming of it until I get my hands on it. Dear Allah, please make it happen this time because I am not sure if I can last for another 3 months in this job. The team leader seems to get on my nerves as the day gets by. I have noticed that when he talks, he seems to think that his methods and beliefs are right. He does not seem arrogant but he is the softer version of Mr. Potato when he speaks. Everybody seems to have the same opinions about him.

Well, when you are in control of a department, there are only two types of opinions your staffs can feel about you; good or bad. The training he conducts are way below the standard level I expected. Most of the time, we were left on our own to idle. The work system here is very different than the previous bank I was with. I was kind of disappointed and began to have reservations about how this bank works. The training is the most disorganised, boring and lousy one I have ever attended. Ironically, the team leader thinks his training he conducts is relevant to what we will be doing. I have told you he thinks very highly of his methods and ways. Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible.  The best treatment for this type of person is to ignore him. The worst thing about a bore is not that he won't stop talking, but that he won't let you stop listening.

Smart Phone Save Me From Boredom and Loneliness?

Hello Diary,

Selamat malam. Hari ini aku lalui dengan penuh perasaan bosan. Bosan sehingga aku begitu menyampah dengan kerja baru aku. Tiap hari bila training aku langsung tidak ada semangat untuk kerja. Aku rasakan seolah olah masa yang aku habiskan untuk training adalah sangat membuang masa. Tidak ada dedicated trainer untuk kita jadi aku hanya perlu sampai ke office pada pukul 9 pagi dan tunggu sampai pukul 11 barulah trainer akan datang untuk melatihi kita. Pukul 12, waktu rehat sehingga pukul 2 dan kami harus tunggu sehingga pukul 4 barulah trainer akan datang lagi. Kita akan pulang pada pukul 530 atau 630. Begitulah routine harian kita. Aku sudah menyampah dengan routine ini tetapi aku terpaksa sebab aku tiada pilihan lagi.

Hari ini, trainer aku seperti ....ermm...Ya Allah....I am having some mental block to write in Malay. I guess I will be writing to you in English now. I wish I could write something in Malay but the words just would not come out. I am getting bored to the core and it  has taken its toll on me. If I can do a miracle or if I can have just one wish, I would wish for 10 million dollars cash in my bank account so I will never be out of cash to start a business. If that business fails, then I will always have money to use as a start up capital. I will keep on trying until I have found a successful business. 

Today's training started at 10 and ended at 6. The whole training session was only 4 hours. I was wondering, if this is the case why can't they just let us come in late and leave late or come in early and leave early. We were just sitting and idling like idiots and I hate it so much. The training was nothing about the products or systems. It was more of a sales workshops which will show your weaknesses or rather exposed you to scrutiny by the trainer. Of course this was done by the trainer at how well or bad you did in the role play. 

I was 'attacked' today by the trainer and that made me feel lousy. I hate role play and I got sick of it after many changed of job session I have had. I despise it very much. The role play I did, I did not perform well because I was bored, sleepy and tired. Tell me, why would I even want to perform well at something which I do not like? Yes, I should have done this and I should have done that. Yeah yeah Mr Trainer, I heard you. Let us just see if the real situation would be the same like in the role play. On the surface, I seemed to be weak and not strong in my closing techniques. Oh Diary, like I have said I got turned off already and there I was having to do something which I do not fancy at all. Give me a break. I am not even sure if I want to perform or if I want to do it like how I did when I was in the old bank. I am simply bored to death right now. To expect something to remember from me is silly when I am in this mood.

I spent my idling time writing email to Broken Angel and playing games from my phone. Yes, thank God with the creation of smart phones, you will always have something to distract your attention from boredom. Times have changed our lifestyles and makes it progress into a better one. Smart phones can be a tool to save us from boredom but I am not sure if it can be a tool to save us from loneliness. I do not know Diary. When I am lonely, I always have you. The period when I became so lonely after the break up with Infinity, I had you but I never wrote to you. I supposed it was too painful to describe it in writing. However, the break up with Flying Babe made me wrote to you as often as I could. Perhaps the cause of the break up plays a part. I broke up with Infinity because well, let us just say she found someone better than I am while I broke up with Flying Babe because of my classic weaknesses with women. 

Flying Babe made me realised my weaknesses. I knew I had it coming because I knew how much I have wish for someone like her to like me too. When she did, I became ecstatic and I fumbled and stumbled trying so hard to please and impress her. Little did I know that it did not make me stronger, I only grew weaker day by day. I was so shy with her. I was so afraid to show her my weaknesses thinking that she might get turned off with me. I swear to God I was so afraid of that. But it still happened. We did not last long but my love for her lasted for as long as it could until the day she found a new love. I moved on too and I am not sure what I have learnt from it. 

I have distracted myself from love. I have managed to do it with the help of Hello Kitty. I try not to talk about it. I try to divert my focus into something else. Sometimes I think about it and reminisce about the loves of my life. I miss love but I am calm now and I suppose that is what makes me happy now. I do not want to dwell about the love that I have lost because it only makes me weaker and I can feel it in my heart, like a thud. I am a very fragile person when it comes to love. My temper is like a tiger's but my heart is soft like silk. I have to protect it from all the hurt. I have to shield it from all the pain. I simply have to come back to who I really am. The best day of my life is the one on which I decide my life is my own.  No apologies or excuses.  No one to lean on, rely on, or blame.  The gift is mine - it is an amazing journey - and I alone am responsible for the quality of it.  This is the day my life really begins with the love from whom is willing to give, sincerely with no conditions and terms.

It Is Driving Me Up The Wall

Dear Diary,

Today is the fourth day of training and to be honest, I have really begun to get bored to the maximum. In my opinion, the training is so boring. I was trying to stay awake during the entire course of this training today. Last night was a bad night for me. Somehow, I got stomach discomfort and I had to vomit myself to make myself feel at eased. I felt like there was wind in my stomach and I really felt sick. It could not have been gastric because I have never been attacked with gastric. I would say that it was probably diarrhea since I passed motion and vomited at the same time. It must have been something that I ate last night. I know the seafood I had have something to do with it. This reminds me of the time I had food poisoining in Tangkak last year. It scared me and I never would want to experience it again.

Therefore, sleep was not good last night. I often woke up when my stomach gave me the signal to go to the loo. It was absolute pandemonium. I was sleep deprived and the training session today did not interest me at all. If I were given a chance, I would simply walk out and go home. I am worried how long I can last here. Honestly, I did my countdown since the first day of training. I got turned off with the physical working environment and I simply do not feel comfortable. Now, I am hoping that I would have the patience to stay as long as it takes. Perhaps, as the time goes by, I would be fine but really, it is hard to say.

The team leader trained us today. He was supposed to conduct the training but he was away for his national service thus his assistant conducted the training when he was away. He came back and the training somehow started all over again with a bit of a twist, his way of course. It is the usual training session with questions and answers and some role play. Oh Diary, how I hate role play so much. I got so bored with all these routines. If I could escape, I really would. One thing I notice about sales training is how the trainer would think that his method works for everybody. Role play is conducted and he would pin point the mistakes trainees would make and suggested this and that. I have gone through this boring rituals during the many training sessions I had with other companies. I hate it so much Diary. This whole thing is just so stupid.

I participated and I swore to myself that I never would want to go through this again. How I wish I would just have the money to start my own business. I am dying to get away from all these employment rituals. My trainer was not boring but I have noticed he can talk a lot. He cannot pronounce "r" and everytime there is a word that requires him to do so, the "r" in that word would be heard as an "l". Clearer becomes "clearler" and I just sit still in my chair looking at him blankly. You know Diary, growing up in Singapore I have noticed the Chinese who comes from Chinese speaking home are the ones who usually cannot pronounce "r" as how it is supposed to. It is common here and everybody knows that. I could not be bothered anyway, all I want is to get this over and done with. I am freaking fed up.

I do not want to do this anymore. Period.