Akhirnya Ia Hanya Tubercolosis

Hello Diary,

Sudah sekian lama tidak menulis. Entah bagaimana agaknya keadaan kau di sana. Maafkan aku kerana seperti mengabaikan engkau. Aku tidak pernah berniat begitu cuma entah kenapa, aku seperti malas hendak menulis. Ya...malas. Kalau mahu dihitung dengan jari, begitu banyak sekali cerita yang aku mahu berkongsi dengan engkau tetapi aku malas menulis sekarang ini. Entah sampai bila perasaan ini akan wujud. Aku tidak tahu.

Keadaan diri aku sekarang adalah baik. Aku bersyukur kerana aku telah membuat keputusan yang bijak dan mungkin juga pantas. Dua bulan lepas aku harus membuat CT Scan di hospital tetapi aku menolak. Batuk aku tidak berhenti henti dan aku terus batuk hingga aku sendiri pun cemas. Demam tidak usah dicakap. Hampir setiap hari aku demam dan panadol adalah rakan baik ku. 

Entah kenapa, tiba tiba pada Hari Raya, aku seperti terasa aku harus buat sesuatu tentang kesihatanku. Aku terus pergi ke Accident and Emergency di Tan Tock Seng Hospital. Aku bercerita dengan doctor dan aku dimasukkan ke dalam hospital. Aku bersyukur dan pada masa yang sama juga aku sebenarnya sedikit takut kerana aku hanya seorang diri. Aku tidak bertemankan sesiapa. Aku uruskan semuanya sendiri. Aku tidak menceritakan hal ini kepada keluarga kerana pada aku cukuplah dengan berita seram ini yang mereka terima hampir 10 tahun lalu.

Tubercolosis. 

Aku disahkan menghidap Tubercolosis. Aku diberi antibiotics. Jarum dicucuk ke tanganku dan aku terasa bahawa aku ini sedang betul betul sakit. Tidak pernah terasa seperti ini. Aku hanya menerima keadaan diri tanpa ditemani oleh sesiapa. Tetapi aku tidak begitu sedih dengan keadaan diriku. Maksud aku, aku tidak sedih kerana aku keseorangan. Aku yang memilih tidak memberitahu keluargaku kerana aku yakin aku boleh buat semuanya sendiri. Aku tidak mahu menyusahkan mereka. Lagipun Aku sedang menunggu katil kosong dan belum lagi dimasukkan ke dalam ward. Aku masih di atas katil di observation ward. Susah sedikit untuk sesiapa yang mahu melawat aku. 

Bila sudah di masukkan ke dalam ward, aku bersendirian lagi kerana aku tidak boleh dicampurkan bersama pesakit pesakit lain. Penyakit TB ini boleh dijangkiti melalui udara jadi mereka terpaksa meng 'isolate' kan diri aku. Ake seperti duduk di dalam private room. Aku mempunyai toilet sendiri di dalam bilik ini. Semuanya aku punya sendiri tetapi bukan kerana aku memilih untuk duduk di dalam private ward atau ward A1 cuma aku mesti diasingkan dari pesakit pesakit lain. 

Pengalaman tidur di hospital sungguh tidak selesa sekali. Aku bangun setiap jam. Susah untuk melelapkan mata kerana aku memang tidak selesa untuk tidur di hospital. Ini pun sudah nasib baik aku berada di bilik sendiri. Teringat pula kata kata Flying Babe...you snored so loud in your sleep like a contractor. hahaha...terasa segan untuk tidur walaupun aku tahu tidak ada sesiapa yang boleh mendengar snoring aku ini. Sesungguhnya aku ni memang seorang yang pemalu. 

Ibu bapaku datang melawat aku pada hari pertama. Mereka tidak marah denganku kerana tidak memberitahu mereka dengan cepat cuma mereka hanya hairan apakah penyakit aku sedangkan aku memang tidak pernah menunjukkan sebarang tanda tanda bahawa aku ni sakit.Mereka tidak menunjukkan yang mereka risau tetapi jelas terpancar di wajah tua mereka. Selepas kehilangan anak hampir 10 tahun lalu, tipulah jikalau mereka tidak sedikitpun risau atau takut dengan keadaan diriku ini.

Itulah juga sebab kenapa aku mendiamkan diri tentang penyakit aku selama ini sehinggalah sekarang. Aku tidak mempunyai pilihan kerana aku terpaksa. Ya, aku bersyukur kerana ia hanyalah TB dan bukan lung cancer atau apa apa penyakit yang serious atau tidak mempunyai harapan untuk sembuh dan pulih. Apabila aku sembuh, aku akan buat yang terbaik untuk diri ini. Aku akan pastikan bahawa hidup aku akan terjamin dari segala aspect. 

Hidup ini hanya sementara Diary. Kita akan sihat sebelum sakit, miskin sebelum kaya, muda sebelum tua dan hidup sebelum mati. Apa yang kita buat pada masa hidup kita hanyalah kita sahaja yang tahu. Aku bersyukur kerana masih mempunyai waktu untuk keluargaku. 

Tuhan, Terima Kasih.

Go Away...

Dear Diary,

Things have got a little out of hand lately. I am hanging on with situations. I do not really care anymore. I have learnt so many things from experiences. Experiences are indeed teacher of the fools. People can only talk so much to defend themselves. They get defensive and become all so emotional about it. 

People come and go in our lives. They come to our lives when we need them the most and when it is time for them to leave, they will leave whatever their reasons may be. We must not stop them because their role in our life stories has come to an end. They come for a reason and they leave for a reason too. We move on and forward to get on with our lives. One thing I have learnt, nobody is really here to stay in your life forever. I have to deal with it. This is the real world.

Let Me Have The House Please

Dear Diary,

I am buying a house. I have sent in my application and the result will be out in early September. I am very excited about this but I have to control my excitement as I do not want to get disappointed. The demand is higher than the supply and I do not know what are my chances of getting the house. It is going to be my first ever house. I hope I will get it so I know my future will be secured if I have this house. 

I am already imagining of decorating the house. I am so funny. If the house is going to be mine...it will be ready in November 2017. It will be another year after that before I get to make my move to Kuala Lumpur again. So you see Diary, things are going well for me. I have got a car, I am getting my money ready for the big move and I am buying a house in Singapore. 

I need the house as it can be my asset. I can sell it away or I can rent it. Either way, it is for my own good. There are many good things that I can benefits from buying this house. But the competition to having this house is fierce. Everybody seems to apply for it. This is an application under the single scheme to own a flat from the housing development board in Singapore. 

It is within my budget and I know I can definitely afford it. Please please Allah...make this house mine. It is for myself and my parents. Please make this work for me....

Al-Fateha

Bismillahirahmanirahim...

Al-Fateha untuk arwah abang....

Am I Sick?

Dear Diary,

I went to Tan Tock Seng Hospital yesterday. The appointment was at a quarter past 2 but I was early. I registered myself and waited for my number to be called. The doctor who served me was a female doctor and that made me feel rather delightful. 

I have always prefer a female doctor. It is probably because I am a lesbian. The doctor interviewed me and I answered her. She made me go through some test. I went for the blood test, sputum test and another chest x ray. 

It cost me close to two hundred dolars. That was after government subsidy, imagine if it were without subsidy. People say, you are better off dead than sick in Singapore. I suppose they are right. 

The result came out today and there are three possibilities. The doctor asked me to go for a ct scan and she will call me tomorrow for the appointment. 

I am tired Diary. She said the last possibility is lung cancer. The first two could be lung infection and tubercolosis. I do not want to think about it. 

Stay Calm and Collected

Dear Diary,

I have not written for a long time. I want you to know that I have not forgotten about you. I never have and I never will. I have been working and I have been busy with work and family. I spend my time with my parents in Tangkak at least one weekend in a month. I am with a new company for almost three months now. It has been good although I do feel like quitting at times. My heart is still not in Singapore you know. It is somewhere else where I know will make me feel happy internally.

I have gone for a medical check up for the new company. They have found something unusual in the x-ray result. It is in my lung. I have been referred to a lung specialist on 4th June. I was scared when they broke the news to me but I am not anymore. Perhaps I have grown old enough to accept whatever comes to me. I have not been diagnose yet so I will use the time to appreciate life I guess. I have stopped smoking although I have to admit I discreetly smoke a stick occassionally.

The doctors asked if I have any family members diagnosed with cancer. I said yes. I was calm. I did not show any reactions. It is still too early to speculate. I have not lost weight drastically. Yes, I have been coughing for over three months now. And sometimes I have difficulty breathing. At the initial stage, there was wheezing sound when I breathe. The wheezing sound is gone now. The cough is still around but it is not that chronic. I have been down with fever many times since the cough started. It comes and goes. I have been drinking plenty of water since this new job. It is a desk bound job so it is easy for me.

I am good Diary. I feel good. I do not feel like I am sick or something although I feel that my body is weak at times. But I am only feeling that because I am feverish. So it is the fever that makes me weak, is it not? Oh...never mind Diary. I am strong I know. I am just remembering my late brother in moments like this. *sighs* Nine years have past Diary. We still do not talk about it. I avoid talking about him with my parents as I know I will break down. It is fine I know but not infront of my parents. I have to be strong for them.

I am keeping this news to myself. None of my family knows about this. Like I said, it is too early to be thinking anything. Even if I have been diagnose, be it good or bad, I have decided to keep it to myself. I am not sure what they are going to do with me at the hospital. The only thing to determine what is in my lung is through the MRI scan. I supposed that is what they will do. I hope they will do that and diagnosed me finally. The waiting and guessing are killing me softly.....

Happy Birthday To Me

Dear Diary,

Happy birthday to me....This is the gift I bought for myself....I am enjoying it!

Exciting Thursday

Dear Diary,

It is Thursday. I have an interview appointment today at 5pm. I am excited and nervous. Wish me luck ok. I have started to learn how to handle Forex psychology. I do not sit infront of my laptop and watch the chart 24/7 a day anymore. I am finally beginning to understand the messages of my mentor. All these while, I have been confused but I understood him eventually. There are a lot to say but I will save it for tonight. 

I am in a rush. I will talk to you again. Take care Diary.

Aku Pergi Dulu

Hello Diary,

Hari ini mungkin adalah hari sedih untuk aku. Tidah tahu mengapa tetapi aku sedih. Aku tidak tahu apa yang patut aku lakukan. Mungkin dibiarkan sahaja lebih baik daripada mencuba apa apa sahaja untuk memulihkan keadaan. Pernah aku berkata, biar tak berkasih, biar tak berkawan, asalkan jangan hancur hati. Ketahuilah teman, aku ini seorang manusia yang paling susah untuk difahami. Untuk memahami aku kau perlukan sebuah 'skill' yang tinggi. Panas baranku setanding singa liar di dalam hutan. Jikalau aku marah, aku terus sahaja menyerang dan menyerbu tanpa usul periksa dahulu. 

Aku memang bukan seorang teman yang senang. Kalau aku berpacaran, paling lama ia boleh bertahan selama 2 tahun dan lepas itu ada sahaja yang akan menjadikan hubungan itu putus. Umur sudah meningkat begini tetapi aku masih disini mencari sedikit restu dari orang sekeliling. Aku tidak pernah puas dengan apa yang aku ada. Itulah apa yang pernah kau ungkapkan. Ya, mungkin betul. Aku banyak mengeluh. Itu juga yang apa engkau ungkapkan. Ya, aku setuju. Hari ini, aku membuat keputusan yang agak besar. Aku lebih baik bersendiri. Ini supaya tidak ada lagi rasa rasa tidak sedap diantara kita. Aku sendiri menghadapi kesukaran memahami diriku apatah lagi wahai engkau, teman. 

Dengan ibu bapaku, aku pun begini. Apabila marah, susah sekali aku mengawal keadaan diri aku. Pinggan akan dihempas, mulut begitu lantang aku bersuara. Keluar segala kata kata yang tidak sedap didengar. Aku masih mencuba. Aku tidak pernah berhenti mencuba tetapi aku harus mengaku ianya sukar untuk aku berubah. Hatiku begitu sensitif tetapi amarahku terlalu besar untuk aku dan ego ku juga sama besar seperti Singapura. 

Aku tidak bangga dengan diri ini. Jadi, aku tidak hairan jikalau engkau sudah hilang rasa hormat kepada aku. Semua silap bermula dari aku. Aku yang harus engkau salahkan. Mungkin hati ini hanya ingin berteman, tetapi naluri seorang lesbian di dalam diri ini begitu kuat untuk aku lawan pada masa itu. Hari ini aku kehilangan seorang kawan dan hari ini juga aku kehilangan seorang kekasih. Dua orang yang baik dalam hidup aku. Aku tidak mencuba untuk mempertahankan. Mungkin aku penat. Mungkin engkau akan lebih memahami kenapa. 

Dengan keadaan diri, aku pun sudah hilang semangat. Apa yang aku inginkan belum lagi tercapai. Masih jauh perjalanan aku wahai teman. Aku sangkakan sudah akan dicapai, tetapi masih belum lagi. Susah sekali...semangatku sedikit goyang sekarang. Harapanku sudah tipis. Aku masih memulihkan diri dari berasa kecewa. Mungkin itu juga sebabnya aku berkasar dengan engkau teman. Dengan engkau sahaja aku boleh lepaskan sebab aku rapat dengan engkau. Tidak ada rasa segan silu lagi dengan engkau. Terlalu selesa bersama engkau hingga tiada batasnya untuk aku menjadi diri aku yang sebenar. Maafkan aku teman. Aku terlupa engkau juga ada perasaan yang harus aku jaga. Selama ini hanya perasaan aku yang diutamakan. Cuai sekali aku. Mungkin tiada lagi kasih sayang atau pun cinta. Tetapi engkau lah teman yang aku selesa bersama. 

Engkau pandai melayan kerenah aku. Terasa kehilangan di waktu waktu genting ini apabila ianya sudah dirasmikan. Masa masa yang aku ada...aku akan hanya membuat apa yang patut aku buat. Masih cuba membaiki skill aku dalam Forex. Masih cuba mencapai cita cita aku. Satu hari teman.....aku tahu aku akan capai juga apa aku inginkan. Memang aku penat, tapi aku tidak pernah berputus asa. Kadang kala aku berehat sebentar tapi aku tidak pernah berhenti. Sama macam apabila aku mendaki gunung. Matlamat aku untuk sampai di atas. Susah sekali teman...tatpi aku selalu berjaya. 

Ya, sekarang kau sudah tiada lagi. Tapi aku masih ada cita cita. Ini lebih baik teman...aku pun sangat rasa bersalah kerana asyik mengasari engkau, berbahasa kesat kepada engkau. Semua amarah aku dilepaskan begitu senang kepada engkau. Maafkan aku teman....aku mahu berhenti berasa bersalah. Engkau tidak patut dilayan begitu. Semuanya salah aku ya teman. Jangan sesekali engkau fikirkan engkau tidah cukup bagus atau tidak sempurna untuk aku. Aku sahaja yang tidak pernah puas atau bersyukur dengan apa yang diberi kepadaku.  

Aku susah melupakan kisah lama. Aku susah menutup buku lama. Aku masih meridukan waktu waktu dulu. Aku sebenarnya hidup di zaman silam. Engkau tahu itu semua, tetapi engkau diam dan biarkan sahaja. Kesabaranmu sungguh aku kagumi teman. Aku tidak ada kesabaran seperti engkau. Aku bukan seorang yang penyabar. Patut aku pelajari sikap sabarmu itu. Mungkin sudah lambat ya wahai teman. Ya...mungkin sudah lambat....aku banyak membuat kesilapan terhadapmu. Bukan dengan engkau sahaja, dengan teman teman aku yang lain juga...aku harus pergi sekarang. Ingat ya teman...ini bukan salah engkau. Aku telah menipu keadaan. Aku pergi sekarang.   

   

Trying To Keep It Simple

Dear Diary,

I have closed all my open positions yesterday. I had 21 opened positions in all and it was making my account looked messy. All of them were losses. *winks* They came up to about $1,500 loss. Now you get what I mean when it comes to Forex? Win or lose, you decide. Many experienced traders said, keep your losses smaller than your profit and keep your profits bigger than your losses. I have not done that. I tried but the market was always not in my favour. Oh no....it is not that actually, I did not make the right decision when I opened my positions. Oh well...fuck it!

We cannot get emotional when we trade they say...oh well, fuck it! Fuck it, fuck it, fuck it! There you go. How was that Diary? La la la la la...... look how emotional I get when this is simply my demo account. A lot of other factors are contributing to my emotional outburst today. There are a lot of things. People around me became my targets. I snap and I snap at them mercilessly. I try so hard to be good at the things I do. It is not Forex. It is something else. I don't know what I have done. Ironically, I don't know if that is really what I want. 

I am sorry for being a bitch girlfriend to you Hello Kitty. Love is too much for me to handle. 

You Cannot Beat The Market

Dear Diary,

I have been practicing Forex for 2 weeks now and I have made more profits than losses. But....if I were to close my current open positions now, I would be making more losses than profits. Get it? It means, I have opened positions that I thought would be in my favour. Perhaps I was wrong or there is not supposed to be any perhaps at all. I was simply wrong because I still do not know how to read the charts. Not yet, perhaps?

How are you my dear Diary? You have been the person I speak to mostly. All the times, I always have you to speak to about my predicaments. You have not grown tired of me, have you? I bet you have not. I am good here, Alhamdulillah. I am officially out of job and I am still waiting for the result of my jobs applications and interviews. Right now, I am not sure if I want to take a full time job or not. My mind is on Forex and I want to master it. On the contrary, I have to pay my bills and put food on the table. We will see what I will do next ok. Sit tight and enjoy the roller coaster ride with me Diary. 

I have been reading too much perhaps, because right now I am simply confuse with my trading strategies. All these while, I practice trading Forex like a day trader. It means I came into the market today and I came out of the market today; same day trading. Same day trading has to be done with you sitting infront of your laptop or pc and watch the charts go up and down and you have to make a quick decision whether to enter the market or not. That was what I did. Whenever I entered into a position, I usually close that position after I make $1 profit the least. Most of the times it is like that. I did it often. At a time, I could be trading 5 to 10 contracts. If I make a profit of $1 per contract, that would be $10 for 10 contracts. For that kind of profit, I do not have to stay long in the market. I stay for 5-15 mins and exit once I made that profit. They are not very significant, but I still make profit and most importantly, I do not make a loss. 

For the past 2 weeks, this is the trading strategy I have followed. Although I have left some positions open until today, this is the strategy that I have gotten comfortable with. However, this kind of strategy usually makes a trader refuses to leave his laptop/pc. It can become addictive and unhealthy. You are so engrossed in your trade that you do not have time to do anything else. 

I came across a website of this long time Australian Forex trader. He writes a lot about Forex trading in his blog and I assumed he is a professional trader. Now, his advises are to trade Forex like a sniper instead of a machine gunner. It means, open a position and let it be in the market for awhile so you can let the profit grow. He advises to use the longer time frame charts instead of the shorter time frame charts because longer time frame charts are more accurate. There are more to say about his methods but I have noticed that most of the experienced traders especially the ones in the Europe prefer to trade with the longer time frame charts. that means, they stay in the market for quite sometime before they pull out of the market. 

I am practicing the latter strategy now and I am a little bit discourage. You see, I am an impatient bitch when it comes to get things done. I like to see my profit margin rises quickly instead of having to wait for days or weeks to see it rise. I prefer actions and adrenaline pumping activities instead of knitting or gardening. It does not suit my personality. But...they said it is safer and that is the correct technique of trading if you want to be professional. I am confuse, really I am. And that is why I have 21 open positions now. Hahaha.....

But, I am not feeling anything about it because this is simply a demo account. I am trying to get it right Diary. Most importantly, I am looking at what are the best trading strategies that suit me. It takes practice, experience, experiment, discipline and patience. It is just two weeks. I still have a long way to go. The video that I have posted below, says a lot about Forex trading. You just cannot beat the market. If you think you cannot make a decision or a forecast of the market, then don't trade for that day. Wait for another day because the market opens 24 hrs a day five days a week. Do not simply trade simply because you want to trade. It is all up to you. Nobody can make you a good trader except yourself. From now on, I simply want to keep it simple. I will choose a strategy that suits my personality. 

Forex Trading Psychology

ok....i get it...