Passenger - Let Her Go [Official Video]

"Let Her Go"

Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you’re missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go

Staring at the bottom of your glass
Hoping one day you'll make a dream last
But dreams come slow and they go so fast

You see her when you close your eyes
Maybe one day you'll understand why
Everything you touch surely dies

But you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go

Staring at the ceiling in the dark
Same old empty feeling in your heart
'Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast

Well you see her when you fall asleep
But never to touch and never to keep
'Cause you loved her too much
And you dived too deep

Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go

And you let her go (oh, oh, ooh, oh no)
And you let her go (oh, oh, ooh, oh no)
Will you let her go?

'Cause you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go

'Cause you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go

And you let her go

Bercerita Dari Hati

Hello Diary,

Sekarang ini aku sedang berada di rumah, di depan TV aku bertemankan laptop dan ya, kamu juga. Hari ini di office semuanya berjalan lancar, alhamdulillah. Tidak aku tahu mengapa tetapi semenjak hari Monday, semuanya OK OK sahaja. Tidak tahu sampai bila tapi bila aku cakap OK, maksud aku, aku mempunyai sales pada hari hari lepas. Ingat lagi pada Biya? Aku ada ceritakan pada engkau. Aku sudah jarang ber’whatsapp’ dengan dia sebab aku sudah malas. Ya aku malas sebab asyik asyik aku sahaja yang mulakan semuanya dan kini aku menjadi bosan. Tidak ada unsur unsur cinta, tetapi aku ingin berkawan dan dia pun sama tetapi asyik aku sahaja yang mulakan perbualan itu dan ini dan dia akan mengambil masa yang lama untuk membalas message message aku. Katanya busy, pada aku itu hanya satu alasan. 

Sama sahaja dengan Gummy Bear. Begitu lambat sekali mahu membalas message aku dan bila ditanya dia kata dia sibuk kerana sudah ada Girlfriend. Wah…begitu senang sekali memberikan aku jawapan sebegitu. Dalam hati aku hanya berkata jangan sampai satu hari bila tidak ditemani Girlfriend lagi baru mahu mencari kawan kawan lama. Bukan aku mendoakan tetapi I cannot help to think like that. Sombong, mungkin juga kerana sudah berteman dan message kawan kawan tidak diendahkan lagi. Aku marah ke? Tidak tapi aku kecewa sebab dia adalah salah satu dari kawan yang pernah aku rapat masa aku duduk di KL. Terkilan aku. Dia bertanyakan khabar berita aku semalam. Aku diam seribu bahasa. Dalam hati aku, padan muka engkau. Hahaha….jahat tak aku Diary? ehehehehe….

Apa apa pun Flying Babe tetap menjadi pujaan hati aku. Dia lagi berhak memberitahu aku yang dia sibuk sesibuknya sebab memang dalam waktu kerja dia tidak boleh menggunakan handphone kerana memang tidak boleh. Kerja dia untuk melayan passengers di dalam kapal terbang dan semua orang tahu bagaimana job scope dia. Kalau ada cabin crew yang mengatakan dia boleh membalas message whatsapp bila bekerja di angkasa, memang sah dia itu bodoh. Hingga ke hari ini, bila sahaja aku message Flying Babe, walaupun lama untuk dia membalas, dia tidak pernah gagal untuk  membalas message message aku. Setibanya di airport, mesti dia akan membalas. Yes, I respect her for that. 

Sedangkan orng yang bekerja di angkasa boleh sahaja adakan masa dan waktu untuk membalas message daripada kawan kawan, inikan pula orang yang bekerja di darat. Sungguh tidak masuk akal jikalau memberi aku alasan bahawa engkau sibuk wahai kawan. Umur aku bukan setahun jagung dan I was not born yesterday you stupid fools. Satu perkara yang aku tidak berkenan Diary ialah apabila sudah berteman, begitu mudah dan senang melupakan kawan atau orang orang yang mengambil sikap endah tak endah terhadap message kawan kawan.  Janganlah begitu wahai manusia. Sememangnya kita saling memerlukan kerana kita semua manusia. Mungkin bukan hari ini, tetapi mungkin esok lusa. 

Jikalau ikhlas, buktikan dengan kelakuanmu bukan hanya dari kata kata manis hanya ingin mengambil hati aku tetapi langsung tidak berusaha to walk the talk. Begitu sedih diperlakukan begitu lagi lagi daripada seseorang yang pernah menyentuh hati ini. Siapa lagi yang buat aku macam itu. Boleh sahaja aku sebut nama nama mereka. Beautifulwithbrain dan Kamen. Ya mungkin mereka ada alasan sendiri dan siapalah aku kerana aku hanya kawan sementara. Bukan kekasih atau bukan seseorang yang mereka perlukan. Aku hanya seorang kawan yang bila mereka perlukan aku baru lah mereka cari. Ya mungkin itulah sebabnya. 

Sungguh bodoh rasanya diri ini bila teringat kembali zaman berchatting dengan mereka. Aku menunggu tidak pernah jemu. Kalau di Yahoo Messenger ternampak sahaja mereka online, hati ini bagaikan melonjak lonjak gembira seperti budak kecil yang mendapat mainan baru atau gula gula. Best sekali berchatting bersama mereka sebab mereka membuatkan aku bahagia. Bila bercerita, apa sahaja boleh dijadikan topic perbualan. Aku tidak pernah lupa saat saat itu. Bila sudah selesa dan berasa suka ada kawan seperti itu, tiba tiba mereka diamkan diri. Aku tertunggu tunggu tetapi mereka terus senyap. Lama lama aku jadi bosan. 

Mungkin aku juga kecewa. Sakit hati. Penat aku Diary. Penat sekali aku. Bila bosan hati aku menjadi kaku dan dari situ aku bersifat kurang ajar kepada mereka apabila mereka cuba ‘menghidupkan’ suasana lama. Takpalah Diary, ini dia adat berkawan. Kawan pergi dan kawan datang. Sama sahaja dengan aku. Aku datang dan aku pergi dari hidup orang orang yang pernah aku kenal. Jikalau aku tidak hadir sebagai kekasih aku akan hadir sebagai kawan. You make a better friend than a girlfriend. Itulah kata kata kawan aku pada aku. Mungkin apabila aku sayang pada seseorang, aku menaruh harapan yang begitu tinggi kepada mereka dan jikalau mereka tidak boleh memenuhi harapan aku, aku sendiri yang terasa kecewa atau hampa. 

Aku rasa cukuplah sahaja ya Diary. Aku tidak mahu lagi merasa apa apa. Aku pun bukan malaikat. Mungkin aku juga ada silap dan salah ya kawan. Aku juga ada kelemahan kawan. Kesabaran aku bukan sebesar dunia kawan. Aku tidak marah, tapi aku kecewa dengan semua result persahabatan kita.

My Vietnam Excitement and Stories About Friends

Dear Diary,

Wow!! I have not been here for the longest time I think. I am drinking coffee in front of the television watching National Geographic Adventure. Since I have cable TV, all I watch are Nat Geo, Travel Channel and Trace Sports Star. You can say that I am a regular with these channels. I have not been outdoor for so long and the urge to go outdoor seems to be calling. I don't hike more often like before as I am savings up for something big. I am sure all these sacrifices that I have made will eventually satisfy me big time. Soon, I know it will. 

I have booked flight tickets to Vietnam Ho Chi Minh City and also the hotel. We are going to stay for  5 days 4 nights. I have decided to go free and easy on this tour. I figured that we need all the time we have there to explore on our own. Yes, I am with my parents but I guess I am ready to bring them tour my style. I am confident with mom as she is still physically strong while dad, I can talk him into it. 

I have prepared the itinerary and there will be 3 places of interests that we will not miss. I want to go to Chu Chi Tunnel, Mekong delta and hopefully white dunes. I guess white dunes is a bit under rated as there are not many people who have been to Vietnam talked about it. Most of them always talk about Chu Chi Tunnel and Mekong Delta. White Dunes is like a desert and I wouldn't want to miss this place. It is quite far from HCMC, about 4 hours drive and I hope my parents are ok to travel that far from HCMC to go there. 

I have bought a tripod and also a camera case and a lens case. I bought the tripod from Mustafa Centre and the lens case online from Qoo10. They are not expensive but their quality is good. I am all geared up Diary. hahaha I am so excited. It has been a long time since I travel and this time round it is with my parents. I don't know how it is going to turn out. I will simply go and bring them around. Whatever is going to happen will happen anyway. Dad will bring his portable stool and that will make it easier for us.I have already started planning on my next trip. Yes, I will probably bring my parents again. Perhaps they will be my travel partners. I don't mind because they are my parents after all. We don't have much time to mind our own business. We are family. 

I have always wanted to try traveling alone but that can wait, I know. The time that I have left now is to bring my parents to places. Remember what I told you Diary, I want to bring my parents to China, to see the great wall, to walk on the great wall and to touch the great wall with their bare hands. Not yet I guess. Dad has retired and mom will, soon. I know I will have to be the one to take care of their welfare. The money I have, the strength in me and the time on my side, I will probably dedicate them to my parents. I have no women to love anyway... haha the ones that I want to love seem distant nowadays. I do not want to pursue them. 

Oh yeah, talking about love, Gummy Bear has just found someone. Yes, she is attached now and that explains why my whats app messages to her took so long to be replied and went unanswered. I guess that's natural isn't it? Things are hot when they are new. Old friends are forgotten when you have found new friends. I am not saying she has forgotten me, but yes I feel things are different now between us. It is the distance I guess. I don't know how it is going to be when I move back to Subang Jaya. I bet things will be different because people move on, things change over time so I definitely cannot expect things will be how they used to be when I left Subang Jaya. 

Pumpkin has started a family, Gummy Bear has a new found love, Rolly Polly has moved on and seemed to be in and out of love hahaha...I have lost in touch with Mickey Mouse. Infinity and I have been a history. Flying Babe, well...I don't know what to say about her. She seems to have everything that she has ever wanted in her life now; a house, a car and a career. Things are good for her. Dark Chocolate is still in London and it looks like she is not coming back to Malaysia. I miss her company although most of the times it looks like she and I have a love hate relationship. 

The only friend that still talks to me like always is JapanGal. She is just something. Distance does not mean anything to us. We share stories a lot. She listens to me and I do the same to her. I think it is because she is still single. She would tell me stories of the people she met and I enjoy her stories. She entertained me and makes me chuckle sometimes. Oh well Diary. People come and people go in our life. That's natural I guess. 

I am praying things will be fine for us.

Hidup dan Mati Akan Pasti

Hello Diary,

Sudah hampir dua minggu kita hidup di dalam tahun baru 2014. Seperti biasa aku tidak mempunyai azam tahun baru. Mungkin ada tetapi aku yang tidak pernah anggap ianya azam tahun baru 2014 kerana pada aku, itu adalah azam setiap hari, bulan dan tahun.. Ia bukan setakat azam tahun baru. Azam aku itu ialah untuk mengumpul duit untuk aku berhijrah ke Kuala Lumpur. Aku ingin hidup yang aku senangi. Tidak perlu memakan gaji. Cukup lah sekadar mempunyai perniagaan untuk menyara hidup aku dan ibu bapaku. Cukup untuk mempunyai kereta membawa kami ke sana sini, rumah untuk berteduh dan cukuplah untuk membawa kami melancong ke luar negara dan cukuplah untuk bersedekah setakat mampu sebagai saham untuk ke syurga. In shaa Allah….

 

Makin hari makin aku terkenangkan nasib diri. Entah bagaimana akhirnya nanti aku sendiri pun tidak tahu. Yang aku tahu, aku akan mati. Bagaimana aku mati, aku tidak tahu. Kadang- kala aku berasa takut kerana aku pasti saham aku untuk akhirat belum cukup lagi. Aku sendiri pun tidak tahu di mana tempat aku bila di akhirat nanti. Pakaianku masih belum menutup aurat, sembahyangku masih belum sempurna dan amalanku masih jauh daripada mencukupi. Aku mengaku, aku takut bila memikirkan pasal mati. Dan hairannya aku selalu sahaja memikirkan pasal mati sejak kebelakangan ini. Aku tidak tahu mengapa. Mungkin itu satu peringatan daripada Allah untuk menyedarkan diri ini bahawa sudah tiba masanya aku memikirkan soal mati kerana mati itu pasti. Tiada lagi di dalam dunia ini yang pasti melainkan mati.

 

Teringat aku pada wanita wanita yang aku sayangi. Sayang sekali dengan mereka. Rindu di hati belum tentu dapat diubati dan aku sudah berfikir pasal mati. Nafsu di dalam diri untuk bersama wanita itu semua belum lagi ada kesugahannya. Aku masih sayang dan rindu dengan mereka. Aku lemah dengan mereka dan mereka amat melemahkan aku. Aku suka disayangi oleh wanita, debelai dan dimanjakan. Aku tidak kuat untuk melawan nafsu aku yang satu itu. Aku terima semuanya dan mungkin juga aku lah yang terpilih olehnya kerana aku adalah aku. Suka aku kepada wanita amat teguh.

 

Sekarang ini, diri aku masih belum berpunya.  Aku sudah tidak bersama Hello Kitty lagi. Dia pun sudah ‘unfriend’ aku di facebook. Mungkin sudah menjadi adat di dalam perhubungan bahawa jikalau ‘break up’ nya itu sedikit ‘bitter’, maka tidak ada lagi hubungan persahabatan di antara kita. Kalau sudah break up, bermakna putuslah segala hubungan walaupun hubungan itu hanya bersifat persahabatan.  Aku belum pernah ‘unfriend’ sesiapa di dalam facebook aku. Mungkin di dalam realiti, ramai juga yang sudah aku ‘unfriend’ tetapi itu di reality. Tiada ungkapan atau ‘action’ yang diperlukan untuk melakukan itu. Bezanya di facebook ialah, perbuatan kita untuk ‘unfriend’ akan dilihat dan diketahui jadi agak sedikit terkilan kepada yang empunya diri jikalau mendapat tahu. 

Ya, aku agak terkilan. Tindakannya itu hanya membuatkan aku berfikir bahawa dia ialah seorang yang ‘sore’. Mungkin juga dia tidak boleh menerima aku langsung dalam hidupnya walaupun hanya sebagai kawan. Aku tidak berdaya untuk menggubah pemikirannya dan juga prinsipnya. Aku hormati keputusannya. Cuma, aku tahu yang aku akan kehilangan seorang manusia yang pernah membuat aku gembira. Ya, sudah tiada lagi kasih sayang untuk dia, tetapi aku berharap bahawa satu hari nanti akan terjalin lagi hubungan persahabatan kita.

 

Sekarang ini berani aku katakan bahawa sekeras keras hati aku, aku masih boleh juga menerima Infinity di dalam facebook aku walaupun tidak di dalam realiti hidupku. Apa bezanya ya Diary? Tidak mengapalah Diary. Apa apa sahaja yang membuat Hello Kitty gembira dalam hidupnya. Aku Cuma berdoa yang terbaik untuknya kerana sememangnya dia seorang yang baik dan boleh diharapakan.

Saving For A Vacation With My Parents

Dear Diary,

 

I am in the office killing my time by writing to you discreetly. Of course I cannot be doing this as this is not part of my job scope. I have decided to go easy on my work and write to you instead. My attitude is so much different than when I was in the bank. Sales was everything to me. I did nothing but everything that I could to achieve my sales target. Well, things are different now here. I take my job easy and I do what I can to get a sale. I still don’t know what is going to be my plan. Am I going to open a food stall, drive a cab, get a new non sales job or continue my contract here. I am contemplating and I have not decided yet. What I do know now is I want to go for a holiday with my parents and I want to spend some time in Tangkak after I finish my contract.

 

I am planning for a Vietnam tour next year in March. I will be going with my parents. We are going to take a tour package and I have arranged for it already. I need to put aside some money for this tour. I will probably have to spend a thousand altogether. Mother is getting $600 from her company for this trip. The package probably cost us about USD 550 each inclusive of flight ticket. I have the money already but I am saving $100 every month to top up my savings. It hurts a bit to use up your savings but I know this is natural. It is just that I simply want to save as much as I could so my savings will not dry up. 

The road tax for my car is expiring end of May in 2014 and that would cost me about RM500 to renew the road with the insurance. I have to be financially prepared for all these. Although I have the money ready now but I still feel that I have a duty to save and top up my savings instead of simply using it. The savings are for my business plan. I know what I want and where I want to be in 4 years time. I am doing it for myself and my family. I am focus now. Whoever is waiting for me then, it is secondary. The primary thing is to get my plan executed and my ass back to where my heart is; Subang Jaya.  

 

I am a little bit worried about dad as we have to get into and out of a small sampan in one of the days of the tour. I wonder if his legs are strong enough to climb in and out of the sampan. The thing about my dad is he is mentally weak and can be quite demanding when it comes to travelling. I have mentally prepared myself too for the worst. It takes a lot of patience to bring my parents. Mother is one hot tempered old woman and my dad is one slow hard of hearing demanding old man. You have to shout at him in order for him to hear you. He is wearing hearing aid but he is lazy to switch it on sometimes and that resulted in you raising your voice. People who don’t know my family will think that we are one weird family but that is what it is all about and that makes us one family. 

 

I am already writing down the list of the things to bring for this trip. I cannot wait to use my camera. I bought the camera for my backpacking trip which I had planned with Hello Kitty in March 2014 but since we have broken up, this trip is a good replacement. I have yet to buy a tripod for the camera. I am thinking of bringing a foldable metal chair for my dad so it is easy for him to sit as and when he likes during the tour. Dad does not have strong legs anymore. He is overweight and he needs to sit now and then if he is walking. 

I pray to Allah that it will be easier for us. It looks like my big brother is not coming with us so I will be the one to take care of my parents while we are there. I just need to be patient with things and I wish mother is going to be considerate as well and mellow down with her temper. I hope she will leave the tiger in her behind in Singapore when we leave for Vietnam and may things be a smooth sailing for all of us.

I Am Still Bitter With Her

 Dear Diary,

 

I was supposed to tell you this long time ago but I have been lazy to write. The more convenient it is for me to write the more lazy I have become. I have an iPad, samsung Tab, laptop and a smart phone all equipped with internet access and yet I do not write. It is true what people say in my last entry, you will only appreciate what you have when you do not have them anymore. Going back to my story, during Ramadan I saw Infinity in Singapore. It was in Geylang Serai where it is the most happening place in Singapore during Ramadan. I was with a colleague window shopping and I noticed a woman came up to me and stood there smiling looking directly at me. I looked at her and it took me a few seconds until I could tell who she was. I swear I could not recognized her. She looked so different now. She has put on weight, her dressing was so off and she wore her hair differently when I saw her. If there is one word in Malay that I would describe her, it would be ‘Selekeh’.

 

Yes. Selekeh is the most appropriate word. Her jeans was over sized and she was wearing this baggy t-shirt with a pair of slippers with a sling bag over her shoulder. When I finally recognized her, I was surprised to see her there. I mean, she has no relatives here in Singapore, no business here so what was it that made her here. I walked up to her and I smiled back. I asked her and she smiled coyly at me and said she was meeting a friend. 

 

That is how she is and I hate her for that. Infinity is not at all feminine. She can answer simple questions so coyly you would think that she is just an attention seeker. I did not push her for answers and I did not press her for explanations. I figured that I do not deserve to know neither did she owe me any answers or explanations about her presence there. I smiled back at her and I said goodbye and walked away. It was a good 3 minutes encounter with an ex girlfriend. I did not even ask where was she staying and stuffs like that. I know I am still bitter with her. I may be over her but I still cannot forget what she has done to me. I probably will take my whole life forgetting it. 

This is the thing with me you know Diary. I can love a person like blood and I can hate a person like hell. I am hating her like hell now. And I know if she is in need of help at that time, I am not surprise if I can walk away from her without rendering any aid. I am not proud of myself. It is not right and it is bad but I cannot change myself. She hurt me like no other woman hurt me. That was the first time I have ever felt so hurt that I almost lose myself. I swear I heard voices in my head one night telling me to strangle her to death in the middle of the night. I was up one night and I looked at her sleeping on her side of the bed. I just sat there staring at her. I could have done it but I didn’t. I was thankful that my faith was stronger than love and I went back to sleep. It was not worth it. It came to a point where I was afraid of myself. I guess I made the right decision of moving out from there. The rest was history.

 

I did not feel sorry of what I did neither did I think about it. I did not mean to treat her like that. It was spontaneous and it was natural of me. I wish I could have treated her better but I must be true to  myself. Have you ever heard how people keep telling other people to be themselves? This is it Diary, I was simply being myself just like how she was being herself when she was courting another girl while we were living in the same house. I was being myself just like how she was being herself when she was sweet talking on the phone in our bed while I was beside her. I was being myself just like how she was being herself when she treated me as if I was invisible. So Diary, to compare what I did to her to the things she did to me when we were living under the same roof, she could have pass as wicked, heartless and cruel easily.

There I was alive, in the same house, in the same bed with her and she could just changed in a split second. So don’t blame me for being bitter. What she did to me was exactly what I did to Manhattan and yet Manhattan can accept me back as a friend. She even helped me when I needed  her help. That is why I have the most utmost respect for Manhattan because I swear I cannot do it. Infinity and I had a bitter break up. She did a lot of things to me that hurt me. I cannot accept her as a friend in my life, not yesterday, not today and not tomorrow.

My New Friend and My Insurance Policies

Dear Diary,

I am driving to Tangkak again this weekend and I am excited.  The excitement that I am feeling is probably because I will be driving. Driving long distance always makes me thrilled. Back then when I was living in Subang Jaya, I drove to Tangkak often alone. I would turned on the radio loudly and I would smoke occassionally. I enjoyed those moments although I was alone. This time, I cannot smoke neither can I turn the radio out loud as I will be with my parents. Nevertheless, it still makes me happy.

I did not plan this as my pocket money for November is almost zero but mom is free this weekend and she asked if I could drive them to Tangkak. I had my mind made up to work overtime this Saturday. I supposed I had to sacrifice for my parents again. I find it hard to decline their request. Declining their request makes me feel bad and lousy. As much as I want to make that extra bucks, I do not want to turn my parents down too. I read somewhere that we can always make money but we can never buy time. I could not agree more. The number of sacrifices I made for my parents are nothing compared to their sacrifices made for me.  I can never repay them because they gave me life.

I have a new friend Diary. She is from abroad and apparently her number has been in my contact list for as long as God knows. I was scrolling my list and I came upon her name. I text her and it all started from there. She is friendly and polite and I think we get along fine. I have made a couple of friends this way before. We have chatted before and exchanged numbers but we did not text nor call each other until only after I came across that unfamiliar name and I began texting. I don’t know why but it seems to me that I get along fine with Malaysians than fellow Singaporeans. Yes, I have more friends in Malaysia than in Singapore.

Biya is her name and she is younger than I am. I don’t know much about her let alone how she looks like. But I don’t really care as the agenda here is to make friends instead of girlfriends. Isn’t it right Diary? I have nothing in my mind right now except to know more people like me. Friendship is primary while love is secondary.  From my conversations with her I am assuming that we could probably end up as business partners one day. She was in small scale business before and she has a few business skills that I never had. She went for some courses in Tekun Nasional and yes, I am impressed. She does not speak English well though but who cares right? I have to admit that women who speak poor English never fail to turn me off but I have decided to fuck it because it does not matter anymore.

Did I tell you I have bought two new insurance policies Diary? I bought one from a friend in Malaysia and one in Singapore. It is a hospitalisation plan. I need one cos I don’t have any. The one in Malaysia is an endowment plan which gives me death benefit and 37 critical illnesses protection. I bought them because I thought the existing one I had has lapsed and it is inactive anymore. However, I decided to check with Prudential and apparently it is still active even though I have lapsed the payments for almost 4 years now. The original monthly premium is rm200 but after being lapsed, Prudential actually used my cash value in my policy to service my premium for the time I lapsed the payments. Therefore some of the benefits I was covered no longer exist in my policy like personal accident protection and hospitalisation coverage. The premium has been reduced too. 

Though the protection has been reduced, it is still good news to me as I have enough protection for myself now. I only need to upgrade my hospitalisation to a comprehensive one which covers outpatient cost as well and I feel I am good then. I am sure I will be alone when I am old cos it sure looks like I am not getting married, well to a man at least. I just want to make sure I have enough cash and protection for my retirement. If nobody is going to take care of myself, I supposed I have to do it myself.

Keeping My Options Open To Make A Living

Dear Diary,

 

My savings is growing and I am proud of myself. If I had known how easy it is for me to save, I would have started saving the minute I came back to Singapore. I did not think of it at that time. All I was thinking was to get money quickly for me to start my own business.

 

I was impatient and I couldn’t wait. I ended up in the real estate industry struggling to make ends meet when I could have spent my time working a decent job with a basic salary. How ignorant I was at that time. I am pissed at myself for not realizing reality quickly then but it is okay Diary, experience is the teacher of fools. Yes, I sadly admit that I was the fool at that time. Now that I have enough money to start the stall, I am having second thoughts about it. Can you believe me Diary? I am not sure what has gotten into me but I think I am at my comfort zone now.

 

Although I do not enjoy my job scope, I have to admit I enjoy getting paid. I do not have to worry about paying rent for the stall, salaries for the staffs, paying bills for utilities and so on and on. The list can be endless. Yes, I may be my own boss once I have the business running but it is not going to be that easy to sustain it. We all know that. Anyway the plan is to start the business in Kuala Lumpur in four years time. 2017, that’s the year I am looking forward to. However, I still hope to have a business here in Singapore too. Imagine this Diary, living in Kuala Lumpur and having an income in SGD. Isn’t that great? The exchange rate is superb now. Well I can have two incomes from two different countries can’t I? That’s the plan actually.

 

My contract with the current company ends in March 2014. I am still toying with the idea of changing job. I don’t know yet. Driving a taxi is one of the options. Can you imagine me driving a taxi? Well...I mean, I am a little shy about it. Well you know me Diary. I am naturally shy but I love driving. Of course I am not as skillful as Hamilton but I can drive like how I can work. The only concern that I have now is knowing how to get to the destinations. *chuckles* I am just afraid that I might end up somewhere far from the actual destination. Anyway I can always make use of GPS.

 

With advance technologies nowadays, you can be dependent on machines and technologies if you want to. I suppose if I am really going to give up my job, I would opt driving a taxi to make a living. It is equivalent to running your own food stall in the sense that you are your own boss. The good thing is, you can be alone to make a living out of it unlike running a stall where you need staffs to help you run operationally. You can earn slightly more driving a taxi than having a stall. I have done my research and yes it is possible. Oh well…I have not decided yet. I have to  make a decision soon and I hope it is a good one cos frankly, I have lost my steam with this job already. I am surviving for as long as I am required until I complete my contract.

 

Another option I have is to ask for a transfer at other departments. You see Diary, this company I am working for is a telco giant in Singapore. It has networks and businesses overseas. We are the leading telco here, therefore there are many opportunities to grow and the prospects are good. I hope I can be transferred doing any backend job. I think I will stay in the job until the time I have enough money to move to Kuala Lumpur. Oh Diary, it is hard to decide. I can say that I am comfortable with this company but it is sad to say I am not happy with my department. Well, never mind at least this job gives me the opportunity to earn and save money. I just wish I can coach myself to like my job. 

I Became A Zombie

Dear Diary,

 

                     It has been a few weeks of active days for me. The company I worked for has lots of programmes and activities llined up for us. I participated in the Race The Dead event in Sentosa last two weekends and yes it was fun. I enjoyed it very much. It has been a long time since I have had so much fun. I was a zombie and I had to chase the runners and get the flags from them. Some of them put up a fight while some simply surrender willingly. I supposed they are too tired already. 

The runners started with two flags and have to run a 5km race and the zombies are stationed along the 5km track. The zombies will stop the runners from reaching the finishing line with both flags. Zombies will try their best to pull off the flags from the runners. I got a total of 54 flags. That is really not bad for a 36 year old woman zombie who has not been working out for ages now. I have been lazy for as long as I can remember. I have not been jogging and working out in the gym. Although I have free access to my company’s gym, I prefer to go straight home after work. 

I supposed this is the thing with humans. We do not appreciate what we have while we have it. It takes the loss of what we have to make us appreciate what we have. It is ironic but that is the reality. I came 3 hours earlier as we had to get our make up done. We were advised to wear something that we do not want to wear anymore. My make up artist was quiet. She asked me if she can dirty and tear my t-shirt. She tore my shirt, she messed my hair and my face. Everybody said I looked like a real zombie. I took a picture of myself and showed it to my mother. She said it looked real. Nothing fancy about my make up. I did not have my eye balls popped out or a part of my brain was visible but the make up artist did her best to make me look like a zombie. 

I sent my picture to Flying Babe and she seemed afraid of it. She said that she has this fear with zombies because zombies are not like ghosts. Humans can shield off ghost by praying and reciting versus of the Quran while zombies are just not going to be afraid of holy words. She makes sense but it is funny and cute of her. I did not chat long with her. It is always like that nowadays. If there is a time where I will chat with her, it will simply be a short one. Things are different now and I supposed we know it. Even if I want to take this friendship one step further, I would have to think of the distances and how soon and true I will make it back to Subang Jaya. These are facts and the truths. I cannot brush them away. I don’t want to live in fantasies anymore. 

Oh Diary, whatever it is, I am sure I am happy now. I am single but I am happy. I hate my job  but I have a job that can give me the chance to make enough for my family and I. I have friends that I can chat and hang out with and I have money now. I don’t have a lot of money but I have enough to make me feel contented. Looking back, after all those years, how far I have came; I can truly say it now I am happy. I have broken up with Hello Kitty but that did not make me a sad woman. Of course  there are times where I would miss her company but believe me Diary, that is all I ever miss. 

I guess love  does not exists for her. I don’t want to make the same mistakes again. I know how weak I can get with women. Regardless of my true feelings, I can declare steady with a woman so easily and dump her the next week or even day. I think I know my weaknesses now. It is woman, it has always been. I am impulsive with woman. I guess I am safe where I am now. As long as I tell myself I am happy the way I am now, I guess I will be fine. I do not want to be with a woman whom I do not love and feel all bad and pressured to love her back. My focus now is to achieve my goals and live happy with or without my other half. 

Cerita Hari Selasa

Salam Diary,

Selamat tengah hari. Aku tidak berkerja hari ini kerana aku harus pergi ke hospital untuk medical check up aku. Ini adalah kali ke tiga selepas aku dikeluarkan dari hospital. Aku harus pergi medical check up sebulan sekali sehingga aku di istiharkan bebas daripada penyakit Tubercolosis. Setiap bulan aku harus ketepikan sedikit wang untuk perbelanjaan medical aku. Memang itu sudah termasuk dalam cost bulanan aku. Sebaik sahaja mendapat gaji, aku akan asing asingkan duit gaji aku mengikut percentage untuk simpanan, perbelanjaan dan bills. 

Memang aku belum pernah lagi kesempitan wang semenjak aku kembali ke Singapura. Mungkin aku seorang yang berdipsiplin dalam soal wang ringgit ataupun aku memang bukan seorang yang pemboros. Tetapi boleh dikatakan juga hampir setiap bulan aku akan shopping baju, seluar dan kasut. Tetapi Diary, jangan salah paham ya, bukanlah aku beli yang mahal mahal sahaja...baju baju dan seluar yang aku beli semuanya aku beli online dari cotton on dan kebanyakkannya semua daripada section yang 'nothing above $10'. 

Jadi memang aku sudah terbiasa dengan bershopping online dengan barang yang harga macam itu. Sesekali, harus memanjakan diri sendiri selepas berpenat lelah berkerja. Aku rasa memang sudah sekian lama aku tidak bershopping. Duit yang ada aku simpan untuk kecemasan dan untuk masa depan. Apa masa depan aku, aku tidak tahu tetapi sudah aku bilang aku ada rancangan. Boleh dikatakan duit aku sekarang ini sudah cukup untuk membuka gerai makan yang aku idam idamkan tetapi, bila sudah ada wang, aku pula yang seperti berubah fikiran. 

Nanti dulu Diary, jangan cepat menghukum. Aku berubah fikiran tentang soal mahu terus berkerja makan gaji atau mahu buka perniagaan aku sendiri. Sekarang ini kalau mahu diikutkan, aku sudah sedikit stable dengan perkerjaan aku. Sales aku sudah agak bagus dan peluang untuk aku membuat duit lebih banyak di tempat kerja aku ini. Selain dari basic pay, aku boleh mendaptat commission daripada sales yang aku buat bulanan dan aku juga ada peluang untuk membuat overtime pada hari hari Sabtu. Selain itu semua, aku juga layak untuk mendapat bonus tahunan. Jadi aku fikir, lebih baik aku berkerja dahulu untuk mengambil kesempatan dari itu semua sebelum aku betul betul berpindah ke Malaysia. 

Lagipun aku kan mahu beli rumah di Singapura dulu. Jikalau aku berkerja, duit CPF aku akan bertambah banyak lagi untuk membayar harga rumah itu jikalau aku dapat. Lagipun rancangan berpindah ke Malaysia hanya lagi 4 tahun. Tidak lama sangat untuk menunggu. Jikalau aku membuat keputusan untuk terus membuka gerai makan aku...aku ada risiko yang belum tentu lagi perniagaan aku itu akan maju atau berjaya. Aku penat Diary untuk bangun semula. Jangan salah paham ya. Memang sekarang aku berada di dalam comfort zone aku tetapi masih berbuku di dalam hati untuk kembali beraksi sebagai bos sendiri dan pulang ke Malaysia. 

Kereta aku di sana, rumah di Tangkak sudah tersedia. Sampai masanya nanti, tempoh 4 tahun itu sudah pun habis, kereta tidak perlu lagi aku bayar, rumah sudah tentu tidak perlu bayar apa apa...yang perlu aku adakan hanyalah duit perbelajaan hari hari untuk kedua ibu bapaku dan untuk diriku sendiri. Oh Diary, aku kembali active untuk mencari duit online dengan system affiliate marketing. Website aku sedang separuh siap. Aku tidak lagi bermain dengan forex sebab aku lebih banyak hilang duit daripada membuat duit. Aku masih belum pandai menguasai market. Jadi yang lebih selamat sekarang untuk aku berkerja dan menjadi internet marketer.    

 

Bersyukur Dan Terima Sahaja

Hello Diary,

Alhamdulillah kita berjumpa lagi. Syukur kepada Tuhan memanjangkan umur aku supaya aku boleh menulis kepada engkau lagi. Aku sihat alhamdulillah seperti biasa. Routine harian aku sekarang ini, bangun pagi dan mandi untuk ke kerja. Sebelum ke kerja akan aku singgah dahulu ke polyclinic untuk mendapatkan injection dan memakan ubat ubatku di sana. Itulah yang mesti aku buat setiap hari kecuali hari minggu dan public holidays.

Aku tidak boleh bercuti lama lama ke luar negara kerana commitment baru aku kepada time table baru aku. Aku mesti menghabiskan course of medicine aku ini selama sekurang kurangnya 6 bulan. Tidak pernah aku hadapi perkara seperti ini tetapi aku tetap bersyukur kerana penyakit aku ini boleh disembuh. Sekurang kurangnya ia bukan cancer dan itu sudah cukup bagus. Aku harus mendisiplinkin diri untuk mengikut jadual medication yang sudah ditetapkan. Aku mesti tahan sakit bila mendapat injection. Aku mesti berhenti mengeluh bila susah untuk tidur kerana kedua dua tangan aku sakit. Aku tidak boleh tidur seperti biasa. Kedua dua tangan aku menjadi mangsa injection setiap hari. Mereka akan bergilir gilir dicucuk oleh jarum yang hanya menunggu masa. Aku terima sahaja.

Seperti tangan aku yang terima sahaja apa apa, aku juga terima sahaja keputusan rumah yang aku ingin beli. Rezeki bukan milik aku. Aku tidak berpeluang kali ini. Aku tidak berputus asa Diary, aku akan mencuba lagi pada launch yang akan datang ini. Aku berharap aku akan dapat rumah itu suatu hari nanti. Ini adalah antara salah satu cara untuk aku mendapatkan asset untuk masa depan aku juga. Asset itu penting bagi aku kerana aku yakin aku tidak akan bersuami. Umur sudah meningkat dan sexual preference aku masih juga tidak berubah. Belum ada lagi teman wanita yang boleh aku habiskan masa menjadi tua dan dewasa bersama. Ini bermakna aku harus menyiapkan diri untuk menghadapi masa tua nanti. 

Walaupun tidak punyai banyak wang tetapi kalau mempunyai asset, aku boleh liquidate kan asset itu kepada wang. Sudah aku bilang pada kau, aku sudah mempunyai rancangan. Tetapi sebagai manusia, aku juga harus terima kalau rancangan aku tidak kesampaian. Ini semua kan kuasa Tuhan. Mungkin Tuhan ada yang lebih baik untuk aku. Kita tadak boleh tahu itu semua kan? Mungkin aku perlu mencuba lagi dan terus mencuba sahaja sampai aku dapatkan rumah itu. Mudah mudahan urusan urusan aku dipermudahkan oleh Tuhan. Aku tidak boleh berhenti dari berdoa dan berusaha.

   

 

Give Your Best Shot

Dear Diary,

Like I have said in my previous blog. Things are looking good at work. Alhamdulillah...Amin! I have been consistent in my sales that I am having a hard time believing my performance. I am not alone as even my superiors are experiencing the same thing too. I have gotten a lot of pats on my shoulder. They probably are proud of me. I am contented and happy but at the same time I cannot help to feel afraid and suspicious. You see Diary, people leave you alone when you are bad at your sales but people hail and cheer you when you are good. I am beginning to wish if only I would be treated the same regardless of how my sales are in the office. Nevertheless, I know the good sales come from my effort and they are all approved my Allah. Without Allah's will, I am nothing. 

I have to admit that I almost broke down when my sales numbers are not coming. Since I got back from the hospitalization leave, I have not got a sale for eights days straight. I began to feel very small. I felt useless and hopeless. I got my resume ready and about to send it away to any companies until I got a prep talk from Slow Princess in my office. Slow Princess is one of the top saleswoman in my office. She is among the top five and never fail to hit her numbers. She is a Muslim and that makes us have something in common. She told me that she too felt what I felt before. She almost gave up this job until she decided to give it her best, ignore the rest and leave everything to Allah. She prays and she zikir. Yeah, that's what she told me. It rang a bell when she said that. I have not done zikir for a long time. I simply do not practice it anymore. 

Last few weeks in one of those nights. I started to do it after my prayers and yes with Allah's willing I am back on track. I am thankful and grateful. I also did some change in my sales pitch. I started to change my mindset about the products. I followed her advice. I give my best, ignore the rest and leave everything else to Allah. I did it Diary. I am on track. Thank you Allah for making it happen. 

Alhamdulillah!
Alhamdulillah!
Alhamdulillah!