Passenger - Let Her Go (Lyrics)

Staring at the bottom of your glass
Hoping one day you'll make a dream last
But dreams come slow and they go so fast

You see her when you close your eyes
Maybe one day you'll understand why
Everything you touch surely dies

Staring at the ceiling in the dark
Same old empty feeling in your heart
'Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast

Well you see her when you fall asleep
But never to touch and never to keep
'Cause you loved her too much
And you dived too deep

A Girl Wants to Die.A Guy Wants to Love

When there is no more hope, the best thing to do is to give up.

Things Will Be Better

Dear Diary,

 

It is dad’s birthday. We brought him to dinner at The Straits Garden Restaurant in Grand Hyaat Hotel. I did not eat much as most of the food there are heavy. I prefer buffett with lots of finger food. Nevertheless, the food was tasty and it is worth the money if you are a big eater and love tasty delicious food. I am not a big eater although at times I wish I were.

Today was a better day than yesterday. I could not focus at work but I kept my composure. There were times when I remembered of what happened yesterday but I knew life has to go on. I let my emotions to express but I did not allow it to take control of me. I knew that I would cry and my heart felt a little heavy than usual. If I don't manage my emotions, then my emotions will manage me. It was probably because of the expectations I had. I have learnt not to have anymore expectations because expectation is the root of all heartaches. 

No one is to be blame except myself. If I had known earlier where I stand, I think I would be able to hold back my expectations. I did not know then, but now I do and keeping myself away is the best option. I cannot do this to myself anymore. I have to let it pass and let it go. After all these years, I realise I did not let it go. It stays in my heart because my love was true. I cling on it for far too long and now I knew I must stop as I now know how much has to be explored and discarded before reaching the naked flesh of feeling. 

I have watched this television series called “I Shouldn’t Be Alive’. In one of the episode it was about four people who had a plane crash in the sea. They survived as the plane landed in the sea but they had to swim to shore as the plane was sinking. They were fathers and sons. They were holding on to the styrofoam box where they kept their frozen supplies. It helped to keep them afloat. They could not see the land but they knew they had to try to swim to shore as help was not coming. The fathers held on to the box but the sons who were stronger swimmer than their dads swam and were far ahead. Finally, one of the son realised that holding on to the box slowed them down although it helps them afloat. They decided that they had to let the box go to reach the shore before dark. They had to make the decision. 

They risked drowning if they let the box go because land was not visible. Holding to the box would save them from drowning but it slowed them down. They let go of the box and swam together.  It was difficult but they finally made it to shore and asked for help. I learnt that you have to let go of the past in order for you to live in the future. You have to open up your heart to allow love from someone new to blossom. You cannot believe in only one love. It is not easy but to live, you must do what you have to do to survive. One's suffering disappears when one lets oneself go, when one yields — even to sadness. Emotion turning back on itself, and not leading on to thought or action, is the element of madness.

I figure it is true. We only live once and everybody needs love. We cannot deny that. No man is an island. Love is a gamble. We must stop loving someone who cannot love us back. We must not reserve our love for someone who will not appreciate our love. How heartbroken we are, we must know that there got to be love for us somewhere else. And when we want to love somebody, make sure that she is the first best. She is the only one and no one else. Just like how you want to be the first best to her, she must feel the same towards you too regardless if there were others who want to get in the way. If you feel that you are second best, then learn to let go and move on. 

Love must not come with doubts. If she tries to kill your hope for the love you have, then let it go. If she tries to kill your hope by telling stories of infatuations, she has for others, then let it go. There is no such thing as trial and error when it comes to love. If you love somebody, then you love that somebody and no one else. You do not have relationship with somebody on a trial basis because when you decide and dare to take up the responsibility to be in a relationship, then you jolly well love her for her weaknesses and strengths, as man is a knot into which relationships are tied. You do not try but you must because no one is perfect but she can be perfect to you, in your eyes, in your soul and in your arms. She will be your other half and she will be your soul mate. She will be the one who wants to be your sunshine and also the air you breathe.

I have learnt from my mistakes Diary. I used to have relationships out of loneliness and lust. They were not love so it was easy for me to change girlfriends. I was young. I have had my fair shares of being naughty. There is one sad truth in life I've found - The only folks we really wound are those who we love the best. We flatter those we scarcely know. We please the fleeting guest, and deal full many a thoughtless blow to those who love us best. They all loved me so much but I just took advantage of them all. Now the true love I have is taken away. This is perhaps karma to what I have done to the many ex girlfriends I had dissapoint. 

I am heartbroken again Diary. I am so dissapointed with things that I could not stop the tears from streaming down my face. I realised I am not in a situation that I can give what she expects and wishes for. I am not the one she loves. I choked while eating thinking about it but I know they will only make me stronger. I must learn how to be strong again. One conversation, that is all it takes to ruin this sensitive heart and it takes years to heal. Perhaps it is true that you can break up with your loved ones and say good-bye and put miles between you, but at the same time you carry them with you in your heart, your mind, your stomach, because you do not just live in a world but a world lives in you. Her World.  

Days of absence, sad and dreary,
Clothed in sorrow's dark array, -
Days of absence, I am weary;
She I love is far away and gone

Pergilah Jauh Jauh

Hello Diary,

Salam rindu kepada engkau yang tidak pernah menyakiti hati aku. Salam hormat juga aku ucapkan kepada engkau. Hari ini sepatutnya aku puasa tetapi aku batalkan puasa aku. Padahal hanya tinggal beberapa minit sahaja lagi untuk aku berbuka tetapi aku tidak sanggup lagi menunggu. Tiba tiba tidak menjadi lapar tetapi aku tahu aku mesti mengisi perut aku yang kosong dari pagi kalau tidak, mungkin aku jatuh sakit nanti. Dan aku seperti hilang segala semangat untuk menyambung puasa aku. 

Aku belajar sesuatu hari ini. Tidak pernah aku sangka dan duga aku masih belum belajar dari pengalaman. Hati manusia adalah daging hidup yang membantu untuk menghidupkan manusia. Hati manusia boleh merasa. Perasaan manusia harus dijaga. Ia tidak boleh dipermainkan atau dipersendakan. Hidup ini bagaikan medan perang yang harus kita tempuhi walaubagaimana susah sekali. Sepatutnya aku belajar dari kisah silam tetapi aku kalah dengan keadaan. Aku biarkan diri ini hanyut dibuai harapan yang tidak akan terjadi. Siapalah diri ini. Terasa bodoh sekali. Terasa amat sedih sehingga tidak dapat menahan air mata dari mengalir. Aku pura pura mengesat mata aku yang berkaca dalam perjalanan pulang.

Sungguh aku sudah kesal dengan keadaan. Sudah berapa kali aku rasa begini dengan orang yang sama. Hati terasa bagaikan disiat siat. Kalau boleh aku mahu menjerit sekuat hati aku supaya kasih dan sayang yang tinggal di dalam diri ini keluar semuanya supaya aku tidak lagi merasa walau secebis pun cinta padanya lagi. Aku berjanji, aku berjanji dengan diri aku yang aku tidak akan lagi merasa apa apa terhadapnya. Aku akan menanam rasa rasa benci pada dia. Akan aku buang jauh jauh perasaan kasih sayang aku terhadap dia dan aku akan pastikan bahawa dia tidak boleh lagi muncul dalam hidupku. 

Ini janji aku. Ini jugalah yang dia minta kerana dia pernah membohongi aku suatu ketika dulu. Dia kata dia mahu aku membenci dia. Ya, dulu aku tidak boleh membencinya tetapi sekarang aku akan cuba. Hati aku milik aku semuanya. Tidak akan aku memberi peluang lagi pada hati aku untuk menaruh harapan untuk apa apa lagi yang berkaitan dengan dia. Aku bersumpah dan aku berjanji. Tuhan, kalau ini yang sudah engkau tulis untuk riwayat hidup aku, aku rela dan aku terima. Mungkin agak keterlaluan jikalau aku bercakap seperti ini kerana sememangnya apa yang aku rasa adalah haram di sisi Islam. 

Jangan ada cinta lagi dalam hati ini. Bodoh sekali aku. Bagaimana aku boleh biarkan ini untuk berlaku. Apa masih tidak boleh belajar lagi dari kesilapan silam? Mahu apa lagi aku dengan dia? Sudah cukuplah wahai hati. Tidak usah lagi menyemai rasa sayang. Engkau sudah pulih dari luka lama, mengapa mahu mencari luka baru? Jangan menyakiti hati sendiri kerana akhirnya hanya engkau sendiri yang boleh mengubatinya. Tiada orang lain yang mampu dan akan menolong engkau.  Dengarlah wahai hati rintihan dari yang punya diri. Tidak sanggup lagi menahan sebak yang tidak ada kesudahannya. 

Belajar berhenti berharap dan jangan berharap pada sesiapa lagi. Mengharap adalah satu perbuatan yang boleh menyakitkan sekali dan satu hari nanti jikalau engkau tidak kuat lagi, engkau akan tersungkur ke bumi dan berhenti bernafas buat selama lamanya. Jagalah dirimu wahai hati. Biar tidak berkasih, biar tidak berkawan, asalkan jangan hancur hati. Bawalah diri jauh jauh wahai hati, biarlah segalanya berlalu untuk hidup yang baru. Jangan lagi duduk termenung kerana hanya akan mendatangkan kebingunggan kerinduan.

Semua harapan jauh dari nyata jadi kembalilah ke alam nyata wahai hati. Sudah hilang bertahun engkau menahan dahaga cinta kepada dia tetapi apa yang engkau dapat? Di saat saat ini, lihat apa yang terjadi? Apa dia tidak punyai perasaan? Teringin sangat engkau melihat wajah yang kau puja selama ini dan merasa kasih dan sayang dalam keredaannya. Sayanglah dirimu wahai hati, bersabarlah wahai hati, dia sebenarnya bukan NurKasihmu. Jangan anggap bisikannya penuh harapan kerana ia bukan. Engkau harus terima ini semua adalah utusan berdarah. Hapuskanlah cinta di dalam hatimu kerana cinta itu sudah menjadi jenazah. Hanya engkau sahaja yang boleh mengusung keluar jenazah cinta itu dari hatimu. Cubalah hati….cubalah…

Being A Good Opportunist

Dear Diary,

I bought an alarm clock to save myself. I have overslept and missed the transport before and I am not doing it again. I am ashame as I was briefed verbally about it by my executive. However, I am quite upset as my workplace really is an inconvenient place to work. Normal public transport service does not operate there. We have to depend on private bus service, which have a timetable of its own. You simply cannot miss it. I could have taken the taxi but I was thinking about the fare and that turned me off. The next time it happens, I think I will take the private bus service. However, it also depends on what time I wake up and be able to get to the bus stop. 

There is a pasar malam near to my office at Jurong East MRT. I bought the alarm clock there and how I am glad I did because it only cost me a measly $4. I wanted to buy it elsewhere but I refrained myself as none was below $10 at the shop. I remembered that I need one and so I went to the pasar malam to search for it. They have takoyaki too and many other street food and snacks. I love street food. I never get tired of it. I have not eaten takoyaki for the longest time as it is so difficult to find halal takoyaki here. It is always cheap in pasar malam. Six balls for $2. Of course they are not very generous with the sauce nevertheless, they fry the balls crispy to my likings and I love every balls of it! Ok fine, I broke my rules of $3 a day for meal but please, give me a break takoyaki is my weakneses and it is not like I do it everyday, right? I have more than enough pocket money to last me untill I get my salary. So, I figured it is ok to treat myself to my favourites. 

I have been thinking a lot about my expenditures and my savings plan.  Ringgit is at its lowest. As of today, $1000 is to RM3000 or more. Remember I told you about unit trust 10 year plan? If I consistently save until my own investment reaches RM100k and leave my money there until the end of 10 years, there is a possibility that my investment will grow double the amount I invested. Now, in 10 years time I will be 48. And by then, I am sure I will be in Malaysia living there. If I am discipline and stick to my plan. It will come true and I think I can retire comfortable by then. The house will be fully paid for and I have a choice to rent it out and have passive income or I can sell it off.  If I were to open a restaurant, then the money I have helps me. I simply have to make sure the business is profitable. But that is secondary, the primary thing is to save first and then I will probably decide what to do. 

After all the talk, I am thinking of topping up my units. I want to buy more units to take advantage of the current exchange rate. We must make hay while the sun still shines. I see an opportunity now and I think I will seize it. I may not get to make full settlement of my car but I think I will top up my unit trust for long term benefits.

Money Talk

Dear Diary,

I fast today and I broke my fast with a bowl of laksa that cost me merely $2.50. That is how I am, as thrifty as I can be because I know I have to save for something more important in my life than food. Someone once told me that we cannot be stingy of what we want to eat. I beg to differ. Thrift is not an affair of the pocket, but an affair of character. I have always live by the principle that we eat to live instead of live to eat. I eat simple meals most of the time. Occassionally when I have extra money, I would treat myself to a big feast. 

I am not stingy neither I am a penny pinching woman. I only spend on the necessity. A bargain is not a bargain unless it's something you need.  I watch what I spend and that is how I have what I have today. I am not in a position to eat luxuriously daily. It is not that I cannot afford it rather I am simply being practical. I always remember to beware of little expenses; because a small leak will sink a great ship. I have to save for my house and I have to save for my ultimate dream of having my own restaurant in Malaysia. You know that has always been my dream, don’t you Diary? It takes a lot of discipline to save because it is always easier to spend money than otherwise.     

My ex colleagues know me too well. Some respected me for that while others jeer me. They made fun of me because I always carry a water bottle with me when I eat out. I did not buy drinks as I always drink from the water cooler in the office. I keep the water in the bottle and that is how I save. I ignored the colleagues that made fun of me and spent most of my time by myself. If it is irrelevant to love, I know I handle things well, that is what I noticed. I did not let myself easily affected by all those shananigans. 

It is ironic that the ones, who jeered and made fun of me, always came to me to borrow some money. I did not say no as it was always a small amount of money. She needed it for work, I knew. The willingness to share does not make one charitable; it makes one free. The only way to treat a person who wronged you is to treat her with kindness. It seems to me that any full grown, mature adult would have a desire to be responsible, to help where he can in a world that needs so very much, that threatens us so very much. I read that somewhere. 

I have not achieved the amount I need yet but I am going to continue. I am excited to get my own house and I really cannot wait to design it. I have many plans but they are all long-term plans. I did not include anyone in the plan because I know it is not necessary. I rather focus on things that are certainly happening than things uncertain. This new job pays me averagely well without any chance of earning more from overtime. It is a very relax environment. I have never thought that it would be this slow paced.

I have done my calculations and I guess I have to moonlight to earn extra cash. I do not need it actually but I want to. I have some plans. I wanted to make a full settlement of my car but the money that I have is kept inside my public mutual unit trust. My agent advises me not to withdraw it as it has only been slightly more than a year I have invested and it would affect the quantity of units I have. You see Diary, unit trust is a long term savings plan. You can see the results when you keep your money there long enough, say five years and above. My agent told me that it is possible to have double the amount I invested if I keep my money there for at least 10 years. I am imagining, if I manage to keep RM100k inside, I would have RM200K in 10 years time. That is the plan actually. And how much interest can I get from the bank annually if I transfer RM100k into the savings account? I am sure I can retire comfortably like that.

I can sell my house in five years time after I have gotten the key and that will add up to the cash I would have if I decide to sell it. But before that I just have to make sure that I hold a work permit or a PR status in Malaysia. I have a long way to go Diary. It is a very very long way but I know it is possible if I set my mind to it. I want to stay healthy and happy. I believe I am happy now. I have a job that I know I can learn to like. I have a good family. I have few good friends that I can trust. I will have a house soon. I have a car. I figure those are enough to make me happy. It does not take much to make me happy. I must have faith in what I do and believe. It is okay if I do not have anybody that loves me. Love is secondary. Primary thing is, I know how to make myself happy.

I have been looking for a part time job quite actively now. I think I am gonna work over the weekends. Food and beverage is my preferred industry because that is where I am going to learn a bit about running my own food and beverage business if I have one soon. In Sha Allah. Oh Diary, I want to get braces for my teeth. I just remembered about it and yes, that will add up to my monthly expenses. But that is my priority. I will get it.

When Sensitivity Knocks Out Sensibility

Dear Diary,

Sometimes I feel that my sensitive nature is killing me softly. I wish I was not born as a sensitive person. It can be a little too difficult to handle at times. I wanted to be bold and extrovert but I cannot be what I am not. Pretending to be someone else is not cool. 

I get affected easily and I wish I had not asked the question.

Saving My Heart

Dear Diary,

I miss working at my previous company and I do miss the salary. The fast paced environment made me feel focus on my job. I did not have to care about my social life. I do not have any anyway. I am all alone, remember? My family is my only company. My two cats are my best friends. I think I will grow old alone and I probably will die alone in my house and only upon discovery of a foul smell, did the authorities realised that there is a dead body in the apartment. 

Well, we all have to die someday. With love or without love, we still die. We have no choice. It is not an option for us. I could have died a lonely woman or I could have died in the arms of my long time girlfriend who decided to put up with my bad tempered and sensitive nature; if I manage to find one. I doubt so. I am getting older and I have lost all my charm. Gone are the days when it was easy to find a girlfriend. 

As I grow older, I began to realised that it is not all about lust anymore. It is about putting up with each other’s nonsense. You have to tolerate each other’s weaknesses and embrace each other’s strengths. It is about you completing each other's lives. Love is a simple thing if the feelings are mutual otherwise it can be bitter and poisonous. What happens when you get hurt? You would pierce a knife into your heart so it would stop beating. You would choke yourself to death with tears streaming down your face. This is too much for me Diary. My sensitive nature is too fragile for I can only weep in silence while I bury my face in my palms. I will not let my heart ache again because I still need it to go on. I must be numb.