The Dentist, The Brace and The Food I miss

Dear Diary,

I missed Fajr today. I woke up at 830am. I did not hear my alarm nor did I hear the Azan from my phone. I installed an Islamic app and it will notify me by Azan when prayer time comes. I did not hear a thing and I knew I really had a deep sleep last night. I was awaken at 330am actually and I had trouble going back to sleep then. I am thinking of having another alarm set up so that I will not miss waking up for Fajr. It is probably because of my age how I take the daily prayers seriously nowadays. I have noticed that changed in me. It becomes more obvious especially after I quit my job. I am not sure if it got something to do with my source of income. Well, honestly I do not have a stable income yet and I knew I have to turn to Allah to make me good at whatever I am doing for a living.

I am really determined not to go back to my 9-5 work. I have become lazy at it. Surprisingly I am not at all worried I am jobless now. I think it is the belief that I will do well in this online thingy I have going in the future. I believe in what I can achieve and I know I can accomplish financial freedom soon. It is just a matter of time. I am going for an internet business talk tomorrow. It is not a course, just a preview talk which I believe they will offer attendees opportunity to attend comprehensive workshop which will cost some money. I will not sign up for it if there is any. I have told you I have paid for a course which will start in August.  I cannot wait for it.

I had my braces tightened this morning. Luckily the clinic called me yesterday to remind me of the appointment. I hate going to the dentist since I was young. When I was in primary school, I really hated when I was called to go see the dentist. Every time a student came into my class with the dental card, I prayed silently that it was not my name to be called. I hated the dentist so much that I never thought it was necessary until my teeth got worse. You know that some tortures are physical, and some are mental, but the one that is both is dental. Like I said earlier, I had no choice as brace is the only option I have to save my teeth. I guess I just realised that every tooth in a man's head is more valuable than a diamond. I checked with the nurse and she told me I could take longer than 2 years to wear the brace as some teeth move slower and some move faster. It all depends on how fast my jaw and teeth shaped.

 Wearing brace makes me smile less and I have this feeling of self conscious. I never thought I would be wearing brace as I never consider it was necessary for me. But I have a gap in between my teeth, it has become prominent and I had to do something to my teeth. Every time during the appointment, I don’t like it when the dentist tightened and changed the wires of my brace. It is painful as he needs to push the wire into the socket on my teeth. Whenever he does that, the pain can be unbearable that at times I have to push his hand away and turned my face away from his hands. Can you imagine the pain until I have to do that? The purpose of the brace is to control the growth of my teeth so that they grow within an area deemed normal.

The dentist took photos of me before I wear the brace and also after I wear the brace. He made me smile in some pictures. He took my pictures from the left, right and front. I had to go for an x-ray too. He needed to study my jaw structure and also the shape of the teeth. Those pictures are for his record. I am pretty sure when the time comes for me to take off my brace, they will have to take my pictures again.  I see some people with braces have the coloured rubber attached to their brace but I wonder why I do not need to wear it. Perhaps I am still at an early stage of the treatment. My gums are still experiencing pain.

I have learnt how to eat and chew my food. I use my right molar teeth to chew. There are still problems about how I eat but it is not a big deal anyway. I miss eating burgers. I haven’t eaten one for 7 months now. I grieve for biting fried chickens and I long for eating pears. I marvel when I will be able to eat normally again because when the stomach is full the heart is glad as all happiness depends on a leisurely meals.

My Journey Begins

Dear Diary,

I remember I wrote to you about my forex ambitions. Well, guess what? I have quit my full time job 2 months ago and I am surviving on my savings and profit I make from Forex. I will not consider myself a full time trader but rather I am considering myself as a full time Forex student who has two real accounts worth USD4000.

Oh, forgive me Diary for not writing for such a long time, I hope you are in the pink of health. I am writing to you with my new laptop which I bought 2 months ago. The old one has given way and I sent it for repair twice but I still think it will not perform at its best. I am doing another thing online that can generate money. I want multiple streams of income to survive. So I have enrolled myself in online business course in August. I need a performing laptop that does not crash on me. My focus is to make money online and there are only 3 important things I must have right now to be able to do that; a laptop/computer, smart phone/tablet and a good internet connection.

I had to invest a lot to prepare myself for all these. The capital for Forex accounts, the online business course fee, the price for this new laptop, the money I spent on books, DVDs about Forex and probably the advertising money I need to pay for my online business. Well, you need to spend money to make money don’t you? I have been thinking about it for a long time. All I wanted to do is to make money online so I can make money from anywhere in the world. This is what I got now it is just that I am new at it and it will take time for me to be good.

I have to tell you that I am wearing braces now. It cost me SGD5000. I do not have any other option, I mean I knew my teeth need to be straightened and I cannot waste anymore time delaying. It has been 6 months now. I do not enjoy it. Most of the times I feel like there is barbed wires in my mouth. I cannot bite and chew my food so that explains how I eat. Can you make a guess Diary? Nowadays, things are better. My gums are stronger so I can bite my food a little although the bite is not as strong as before I wear braces, at least it is better than when I first had it on. I have to wear it for 2 years and I still have about a year and a half to go. Hopefully, my teeth will become straight and I can expect no more teasing from my cousins about my teeth.

I  do think of the people that have left footprints in my heart but I just do not know what I want from them anymore. You know when you are at a certain age all you want to do is enjoy a quiet moment by yourself with a good cup of tea and a book. You simply do not care about anything else especially dramas. I miss them but I don’t think I have to let them know. Some things are better left unspoken.

I am feeling peaceful nowadays. I pray on time or at least I try to. I have been disciplined enough to pray 5 times daily including Fajr. I almost join my mother to perform Umrah this November until I had to drop my name from the list as I have no Mahram to go together with me. I do not regret it, it is just that I feel Allah has better plans for me and perhaps it is still not the right time for me to go yet. I have many stories to tell Diary. I will write to you again. I promise. I have plenty of time now and I want to take you back to the olden days where I write to you daily to tell you stuffs of my life. I want to document my life stories and my journey to success with Forex and my business online. I am excited about it all, I have said that I have aged but nobody grows old merely by living a number of years. We grow old by deserting our ideals. Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul. Watch my journey Diary.  

My Forex Ambitions

Dear Diary,

It is Hari Raya Eve and I am on leave from work today and the day after tomorrow. I feel happy being at home with my parents. As usual, I helped mother cooked today and cleaned the kitchen thereafter. i supposed this is my routine until the day I die or otherwise. I do not see myself married to a man so it is unlikely that I will have my own family having to cook for my husband or children on the eve of Hari Raya. At times, I think I am better off married so that I would have less heartbreaks and heartaches. You know how I feel towards men don’t you Diary? Numb. Nothing.  No affection.  So I am assuming, if he were to hurt me, I will not feel it. I will remain calm and carry on with my life like my heart is invincible.  But that is not what I really want is it? Living life not in the mainstream sexual preference is already complicated let alone pretending to be what I am not. I have had enough of those. 

If you ask me about love, I do not have a definite answer to it. I do not even know if I want it because I know it can get nasty. But if I am sensing that love is on its way, I will not deny it. It is confusing now.It is also tiring. Whatever it is, I have learnt not to look for it. What I have learnt now is to make money with Forex. *chuckles* Forex is a definite thing unlike love. Forex is real unlike love and Forex will not hurt me like how love will. Do you know what my plans are Diary? I want to learn as much as I can about Forex for one solid year. I want to trade as much as I can with Forex using the demo account as often as I can until I become good at it. I will turn my USD100 into USD 1000 and turn that USD1000 into USD 10,000 and then I will quit my full time job and become a full time Forex trader. How is that?

I will live with my parents in Tangkak, bring them for holidays, pay the bills, be the provider for them and serve them at their beck and calls. I will set up a low risk business and pay people to run the business for me in Kuala Lumpur and I will come back to Subang Jaya for good. Oh wow…it has always been Subang Jaya with me. Ok, so that is the plan. That is what my mentor told me. Write them down and make them my motivations. I have loads more but I think I will save them for some other time because right now, the main priority is to learn Forex and master the skills of trading. That is the key to my success.

By the way, I have started to trade with my demo account with two entries last night and I had one profit and 1 loss. Not bad for a start. I need to study more about the trading platform because last night was quite haywire trying to understand the functions of the menus. I almost lost my temper but luckily, I managed to put my anger under control. Learning Forex has taught me more about being patient. Reading the books has really given me the upper hand of controlling my temper. Perhaps it is the age, perhaps it is really Forex that has been influencing my mood. Beats me Diary but I know I am serious about changing my life now. I am dangerously ambitious now just like how I was when I was 22. I am feeling that young and dangerous spirit again inside me. I feel the adrenaline rush and I am using it to keep me going with or without love with her.  I will write to you again Diary. Love you.

Back To Forex

Dear diary,

I should have apologised to you for not writing. I am sorry. Please forgive me. I have not been busy. Actually yes, I have been busy. I worked late until midnight and only go to sleep at 1 am in the morning only to wake up at 530am everyday. I have been sleep deprived and I took the opportunity to sleep whenever I can. I have also been straightening things out. I was in India and Kashmir in March for 12 days. Wow, so many things happened for the past 6 months in a year. 

I do not want to talk about stories of the heart anymore Diary. I have decided that it does not matter any longer because I have learnt that whatever happens, happens and I have no control over it. We have to move on somehow somewhat. I just think that social life is not what I need in my life now. That was how it was actually. I was fine on my own so I know I can still be fine on my own.  I have turned my wounds into wisdom. My focus now is Forex. Oh yes, I must tell you that I have started learning Forex seriously. I did try to trade in Forex in 2014 if you can still remember but I gave up after trying the demo account because I found a new job that paid me good and so, I just let Forex passed my life just like that.

I have many commitments now, financially most of them. My parents are both officially retired and I take over the household expenses. My house is ready in September 2018 and I certainly need money for renovations and furnitures. Remember that this is a fresh home. I literally need everything new from A-Z. God…Yes I am scared at the amount of money I must spend. Ok, so yes with all these commitments, I was always searching for something over the internet on making money online. My focus of the search was not to make easy money but I am looking for something which I can do online anywhere in the world and then I stumbled upon this video about Forex and its auto trade system. I did not believe it so that disbelief led me to do more in-depth research. I am following this man from Malaysia to learn how to trade professionally. 

I have invested few hundreds of dollars and I am all excited about it. Do not worry Diary, this is not a scam. I have done lots of background checks on this guy and he is honest and genuine. I have been following a few big names mostly successful property investor and forex trader in Malaysia and most of them know each other. I trust him and I want to be like him. I have done what I am supposed to do. I am still learning and have bought study materials from him. I have created the demo account but I have not trade yet as I am still reading the books and watching the video.  I have drafted a trading plan. I can see where I want to be in 6 months time and I am doing it for my family and my parents. 

Ok so now, that is the story of what keeping me busy. I no longer work until midnight nowadays because I want to spend the time learning Forex. I must Focus. Anything that disturbs my attention, I try to stay away from it. It is not easy but I must. I am sure people will understand. 

My trip to India was good. I enjoyed the food very much. Indians can really cook well. I went for horse trekking in the mountains. I went to the 2^nd phase Gondola ride and trekked to the border of Pakistan. It was amazing with majestic views. I was in awed. I experienced snowfall for the first time and it was cold. Snow was falling when I went horse trekking and I felt so blessed to have the wealth, time and health to witness all these. It did make me forget about the heartaches and dissapointments I had. I simply let it go. I did not want to burden myself with sadness anymore. I stay away from it nowadays. My priority is to protect myself and serve my parents well. There are so many stories I want to share with you. I will write to you again ok. Love you Diary.

12th Year Death Anniversary

Dear Diary,

Today marks the 12^th year death anniversary of my late brother. I have always missed him. I miss the times when I could joke with him about almost anything and everything. I have to admit that I was much closer to him than my eldest brother was. The longer he has left us, the more that I miss him. I imagine what it would be like if he were still alive. He is probably married with children and living in KL most likely because his girlfriend was Malaysian. Did I tell you that his girlfriend passed on earlier than he did because of asthma? A few years later, my brother left us for brain cancer. My family never talked about his death after he left us. We never did and I like it to be that way because if we ever did, I certainly would break down and cry. I have always missed him, always will and always have. I guessed when my brother died I understand death for the first time because that is when He puts his hand upon one whom I love.

Hang Tuah has left us too. Do you remember him Diary? We bought Hang Tuah after my brother passed on and now he is dead because of cancer too. Cancer has killed two living things I have loved the most. He left us during Ramadan. I woke up for sahur and mother told me Hang Tuah is dead. He lied in his sleeping position in his makeshift bed. He had been sick and he refused to neither eat nor drink. He simply lost his appetite. He became weak and could not walk even for a short distance. His legs were wobbly and you could see how he had to struggle to walk for that short distance to go to his favourite spot just to sit. My heart cried for him. He peed wherever he was because he was too weak to walk to his litter box from where he was. His lower body smelled of urine. 

I did not care about that, because all I knew he was the one who healed my heart when I missed my late brother the most. I still held him close and told him that I love him. If only he understood the human language. The night before he died, I went to him and stroked his head gently telling him that he has to eat and drink to live but deep down inside my heart, I prayed to God to take him away peacefully because I could not bear to see him suffering like that. Death is a sad thing that could happen to anyone. Death brings sadness and tears to us. We all will experience it someday. I am not sure if I am ready for any more deaths in the family. I am still healing from things and I do not know if I can take more. My heart is tired, just so tired. I know that there is nothing certain in a man's life except this: That he must lose it. Then I supposed falling in love is a waste of time too.

For Myself

Got A Part Time Job

Dear Diary,

I have found myself a part time job. I am a happy woman. Syukur alhamdulillah. I can now focus on my savings plan for the move to Malaysia. When there is a will there is a way.

Boleh Cuba

Ada

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Salam Aidiladha

 

Selamat Hari Raya Aidiladha Diary. Aku puasa arafah dan baru merancang untuk memasak maggie curry untuk berbuka tetapi telah dikejutkan dengan bau harum masakan abang aku di rumah ketika pulang. Alhamdulillah rezeki di malam Aidiladha untuk aku. Mak, ayah...terima kasih kerana menjadikan kita manusia. Salam Aidiladha dari Singapura ke kampung...mohon ampun dan maaf.

 

My Own Curry Maggi

I learnt this from my mother. This is how I eat my curry maggie. Jemput makan Diary.

Salad Melayu

I cooked this for dinner. Jemput makan Diary.