Still Feeling The Blues...

Dear Diary,

I woke up feeling not motivated at all to go to work. I did not pray as hard as I have always had for my sales to be good today and apparently my sales was bad. I am not sure what has gotten into me but this week has been very unenergetic for me. I am probably still feeling lose from the long weekend I have had. I really couldn’t be bothered about how my sales are this week because I knew that would only make me feel more pressured and stressful. I knew I have had enough to apply for financial assistance from the banks and I simply hope that my salary slips for the past three months would have impressed the banks so they can give me a good credit limit. 

I am not feeling too good now Diary. I just feel upset over things that I do not know. I know the sales I made today caused this stir of emotions but I also know how much I tried to avoid thinking about it, I cannot. It is very upsetting when you hear your colleagues are closing sales one after another but you are still stuck with the same figures even after making hundreds of phone calls. It is very mind blowing job and honestly, I am beginning to have divided feelings about it. 

How are you Diary? Have you missed me like how I miss you? Have you thought about me lately? I have been writing to you devoutedly because I know you are all I have. I want to tell you stories and talk to you like before but I know our tight schedule makes it almost impossible. I miss those times when we used to share everything together. Sometimes I feel awkward when I missed writing to you but I always know you will understand because you are the understanding one, the forgiving one and the soft one among the two of us. Sometimes I feel ashamed of myself by the way I have behaved towards you. I know I have been selfish, temperamental, sensitive and hot tempered but I hope you know that I am only human Diary. I have my flaws and weaknesses and if only I can do miracles, I would do it simply so I could be the perfect friend to you. I do not want to be other people as most people are other people.  Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation. 

I have tried Diary to be a better man, to my parents, to you, to my friends and to the people in the streets but I cannot fake myself and I cannot lie about my feelings. I am told to just be myself, but as much as I have practiced the impression, I am still no good at it. Oh well Diary, I am sure you will understand. I am sorry for being a little emotional in today’s entry. It is the job and I must admit I am a little affected by it. I have told mother about my plan and she seems to be concern about it. She told me to continue working and to save enough to buy some goats to start goats rearing business in Tangkak. I can tell that she is merely concern about how the food business in Singapore I want to do will fair. 

Everybody knows it is not going to guarantee a stable income for me but I got to try Diary. I just want to do something that I know I like. The great majority of us are required to live a life of constant duplicity.  Your health is bound to be affected if, day after day, you say the opposite of what you feel, if you grovel before what you dislike, and rejoice at what brings you nothing but misfortune.  I want to start something in Singapore first as I want to have income from Singapore to start something in Malaysia. It is all about the currency. It is only natural for me to do so. The only thing left for me to do now is to work on it and execute it phase by phase. 

I am almost through with the first phase of my plan. I hope I can pass through the second phase smoothly because the second phase of my plan is the most hardest of all and if I cannot get through it, I am not sure if I can go on with what I have. It is not easy Diary and I am definitely going to pray to Him as hard as I could because I know only Him can help me to bring to life my fantasies. The two hardest things to handle in life are failure and success. So I supposed whatever I do, do with all my heart.      

Spending Aidiladha in Tangkak

Dear Diary,

I fell asleep right after I had my late dinner after work. I was still in my working clothes and I lie down in the bed and shut my eyes. Immediately I was in dreamland. I was tired and exhausted from the activities I had over the weekend. We had so much fun over the weekend that I felt awkward coming back to Singapore. The whole entourage of family was in Tangkak for Aidiladha. We had three cows and two goats to sacrifice. 

It was the biggest event ever I believe and it was more organized at home then the first one we had two years back. The house is fully equipped with furniture and utensils to use to cook. We were never short of anything and that made me proud because I contributed the bulk of the useful utensils. The stalls that I had closed in Kuala Lumpur, gave me the chance to keep and bring back all the lock stock and barrels. At least they did not go to waste. 

We had beef and mutton beriyani and we had many more food. I was in charge of the drinks and my job was to make sure there was enough supply of water to drink. I supposed that suited me a lot. Mum and dad occupied themselves with entertaining the guests. My elder brother was busy with his own thing and I took care of the house overall. Everyone of us had our role and duty. We somehow managed with whatever we have. 

The aunties, uncles and cousins had fun especially the night when we played the fireworks. We bought fireworks illegally from the shop that we knew had these supplies. It was not easy because they only sell the fireworks to regulars and to people with faces they deemed trustworthy. I was rejected but my cousin brothers were not so I was thinking I am the one with the angelic face among them perhaps while they had the face of a crook. 

We almost spent about RM1000 on fireworks alone. We bought seven of the middle range ones each cost about RM100. It was expensive but it was worthwhile. The fireworks was spectacular almost like the ones you always get to see during the national day celebration in the stadium only that they were a little smaller, less grand and ends quickly. Despite all that, it was enough to impress the Singaporeans who never got the chance to play fireworks in their own country. 

Everybody looked up when we launch the fireworks, I could see the faces filled with excitements, old and young they were all happy faces. When the fireworks ended, everybody clapped and cheered. I felt like I was in a stadium watching the national day parade only that the crowd is smaller and less fireworks display. The house was filled with laughter of joy and happiness. It was fun although it was tiring. The weekend spent with them was fulfilling and I wished I could be that happy and carefree forever. I wish I could just stay in Tangkak without having to worry about work and having to come back to Singapore. 

I am tired of working Diary and I hope I could get my plans started. This work is giving me an enormous pressure. It even visited me in my dreams and that is something I cannot tolerate. I wake up thinking about it and dreaming about it is the last thing I want to do. It is really about time that I do something about it. I am one month away from executing my second phase of my dream. Let us hope it works Diary.