I Am Smelling Freedom From Stress

Dear Diary,

How has it been for you? It has been rough for me but I am hanging on. My contract with the bank is expiring and it looks like I am not renewing it. There are many reasons why I chose not to do it. The stress level is too enormous for me and the monetary rewards do not make up for the stress level. My efforts to get funds seem futile so I shall say officially that I am still in phase one of my ambition. 

I am not thwarted but I am dead beat. I am so worn-out that I do not know what I want anymore. Having to go through phase one of the plan seems a tall order for me. I have to go through it anyway. There are parts of me that want to get away from everything but there are parts of me that want to keep working on it until I succeed. 

I have started sending out my resumes and I have gone for one interview. The interview sucks big time when I felt that the interviewer was nothing but a bitch. She knew she has the control because the power was in her hands. I was like the interviewee whose fate will depend on her goodwill and how likeable I was to her.  She caught me off guard many times and I hesitate upon the questions she asked. I could not focus because honestly, I did not know what I want any longer. For the first time, this snobbish stuck up female interviewer defeated me. I could not care less anymore. I did not want to perform in the interview when I already knew the chances I had to impress her had long gone. Despite of my sales record, I knew she did not like me. Screw her Diary. I may be looking for a job but I am not that hard up especially with this kind of interviewer.

I have heard that the commission structure this bank gives is one of the best there is. Their top sales person can earn a five-digit figure monthly. I know this is probably what I want but I simply got turned off. I supposed I would just wait and see and put hopes aside for this one. 

I am sleepy Diary. I have to be in Tangkak and then Malacca this weekend for a family gathering. I hate this so much especially when I have to hang out with the relatives on my mum’s side. I honestly am not comfortable hanging around with them but I have to because I have to accompany my parents. I hope that time will pass so quickly so I can just drive back to Singapore soon. I wish I do not have to go and could just spend the time in Tangkak all by myself. I miss relaxing by myself and I know that is what I need. 

The headache is back Diary and it is so often now that I have to carry panadol in my bag. I take one tablet almost everyday. It hurts day after day like how my heart aches to be back in Subang Jaya. I keep thinking of my lifestyle there these days and I just wonder why. I thought I am over it but I am not. This is possibly because time is on my side since I have let myself loose about work. December is the month where I let my hair down about my job. I feel relax now knowing that I will be leaving this stressful job that even comes into my dream. I am sensing freedom from stress now Diary. I have heard before that you have freedom when you're easy in your harness. In the truest sense, freedom cannot be bestowed; it must be achieved. Freedom is the oxygen of the soul. We feel free when we escape - even if it be but from the frying pan into the fire. 

I do not know what I will get myself into next but whatever it is, it is still going to be phase one and I am going to be patient about it as you get the chicken by hatching the eggs, not by smashing it.