Still Not Getting Through The Pain

Dear Diary,

I wanted to believe that I am ok but deep down inside I know I am not. I have not been working regularly. I stayed up late into the nights wasting my time surfing the internet, watching NetFlix and God knows what. Sometimes, I cry out of sudden. I cry in the shower, I cry while I drive, I cry while I am trying to sleep and I cry at almost all the things I was doing. There were times I was so afraid to fall asleep just to wake up to another day. Because I know waking up to another day means living another day of my life without a father.

I tried doing the things I like, I went travelling and hiking but they did not help to ease the pain. They did not help to forget the death of my father. I am not strong Diary. All these while, I thought I was strong but I was not. I was strong when I had both my parents. I probably need help. I have tried seeking help but I did not proceed with it. I did not have the courage. Sometimes even to live is an act of courage. It was times like these when I thought my father, who we have always known to be timid, was the bravest man who ever lived.

This pain, this pain I am feeling, it is unbearable. I don’t know who I can talk to. It is true that material wealth does not guarantee happiness. I am doing okay now you know. I have a car, a house and some savings now. They are nothing fancy but they are my accomplishments since I came back to Singapore. I am living alone now on my own and that makes it a little difficult. Coming home to an empty and quiet house is a misery. Even at my age, I am still a child that needs the presence of my parents more than their presents.

I miss my family. I miss my father. I think I am going to adopt a kitten soon. It probably will help. Tina has a kitten to give away. She is reserving it for me. If I have a pet at home, at least I know I have company at home. There are few things in life more heartwarming than to be welcomed by a cat, the presence of a cat... that seems to take the bite out of being alone.