don't let history repeat itself

Dear diary,

It has been a long time since mom and I have cold war with each other. I hate that feeling of uneasiness between the two of us whenever we have silent disagreements and stop talking with each other for awhile. It makes me feel very awful and lousy. Sometimes I wish that it never happened and that we are both on good terms always but I guess things like that do happen or perhaps have to happen among kins and friends. Mom and I are doing it again, this time it seems serious.

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I was hurt by her actions and remarks and I got turned off. It happened at the wrong time with a very petty reason. I shall not elaborate but I am really hurt. She was supposed to send me to the bus terminal to see me off to KL but I pulled the door behind me and left in a hurry. I told her not to send me. I was shaking and felt so hurt but I guess she was feeling more hurtful by what I did. I am not sure. I am her daughter afterall, her flesh and blood. Everytime this happen, I always get sentimental and I get all sad and broken inside. This silence is killing me softly.

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Perhaps mom is feeling the same way too. I don’t know diary. I do feel it sometimes that I am getting unfair treatment from my parents but deep down inside I know they love each one of us equally. It is hard to say and difficult to conclude. I have a happy family but I am sensitive and I tend to get affected easily by any slightest remarks thrown at me especially if it comes from my family.

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I cannot handle it and I may snap or sometimes I’ll get all weak inside.I came home today and since I stepped inside the house, mom did not speak to me till the time I went to bed. I too did not speak to her. I don’t know what to say to her and how to begin. The damaged has been done and I do not know how to remedy it. I was hungry and I noticed that mom did not cooked anything for dinner. Maybe she did but she did not offer me anything and so I fried myself some eggs to go with the plain rice. I felt as if I was in KL cooking myself dinner alone. It is no difference and how I wish that I never did what I did to her.

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I never started it diary…she did and I have to pay the price. I guess I will just let things be. Let nature takes its course. I am sad over what happened but I really have no choice. It was very hurtful and I felt that she was making mountain out of molehill. I hope this will be over soon because it is really bothering me.

she's so nice...

Dear diary,
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I went for my exam this afternoon. I wasn’t late but when I got there I couldn’t find my name on the list. I got panicked a bit and consulted one of the clerk. He told me to go to level eight and check my name there. I went and I couldn’t find it. I looked at my watch and it was 5 more minutes before exam start. I hate to be late and to be in a rush. I always make sure I arrive early for my class. I looked at the list again and there it was, my name without the surname. I got to my sit and I tried to calm myself.
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Many of the students have already got to their seats. They were all prepared and ready to sit for the exam. I see the determination in their faces. I wasn’t sure if I was ready but I knew I had done all I could within my capability to get myself prepared. Unit 1 paper was the toughest to me. I read the first question and I didn’t know how to do. I went on to the second question and I got the same feeling. I proceeded to the next one till I managed to find the question that I know how to do. It was really tough. As you know, I was three weeks late for my school. I missed the beginning of the lessons for unit 1 and that made me kind of lost when it comes to discussing about unit 1. I don’t know how will I do but I hope I will pull it through with the rest of the papers. Unit 2 and 3 were fairly tough and easy. But I managed to answer all the questions for unit 2 and 3. the question now is, how correct are my answers.
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I left home early and was on the train to KL central when candyfloss called and asked if I want her to pick me up. She did not go for her class cos she had difficulty finding a space to park her car. I believed her when she told me that because ei know what it is like to drive here. I got to KL central at 11 am and she was there waiting for me. You know diary, candyfloss is nice and sometimes I wonder what are her feelings toward me. Honestly, I like to be around her. I enjoy her company everytime she’s around. She’s simple and understanding. I like those kind of girls. I was very glad that I made that call to her. Otherwise we wouldn’t be talking to each other. We would not have known that we are in the same school.
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How I remember when I first entered the school and thought to myself what if I run into her in the school hall, what if I see her in the lift. You remember I told you I wanted to ring her and say hello. I did that and she welcomed my move to rekindle old friendship. She wasn’t home at first but I left her a message. Her mom probably passed her my message and she called me back. That’s when it all started. I never asked her anything about her status, I didn’t ask if she is seeing someone or is there anyone she’s hoping to be with. I chose not to go into personal details.I have hang out with her twice already since I came back back a week ago. I am going back to singapore tomorrow but will be back before 6th of feb to KL cos school starts on the 6th of feb.

victory is a bliss...!!

Dear diary,

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My driving test was on the 5th of January and to tell you the truth I really did not think that I would pass my test. How can I think I would pass my test when I did not have much practice? I think I have clocked more than 40 hours of practice but that was for my first test and after that, I had less practice because I was in KL and the practice sessions were held in singapore. You know that I failed my second test and this time, without much practice, I never thought I could pass my third test. I thought that I was a road hazard. Preparing for the third test was easy.

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School was on holiday and so I did not have to skip class to go back to singapore to take my test. I had booked three hours of lessons with my instructor and I went for my classes. The first hour was hell. I was very nervous and was driving carelessly forgetting all the proper techniques. My driving skill had become very rusty, my instructor told me. Well, who could have blamed me? If I had more money and time, of course I would have booked more lessons. So after all that not so nice comments about my driving skills, I certainly did not have the confidence to pass. Anyhow, I knew I had to sit for my test. I got cold feet and almost withdrew myself from the test. And I thought to myself, hey, come on I have made it this far and why would I want to give up when I am almost through. I boost my confidence and I waited for my name to be called by the tester. I felt my heart beating so fast that I think it could have dropped out of my body and went bouncing on the floor. My knees were shivering and I felt my legs becoming like jelly, soft and wobbly. All I could do then was to recite ayat Kursi repeatedly.

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I never stopped saying it until the time I had my tester in the car with me. When we were in the car, I made my very first blunder and I felt so silly. The seat was already adjusted to my preference but I just thought that I wanted to be more comfortable and I adjusted the seat again. I accidentally let go of the lever and the seat went backwards, I felt like I was taking a ride in the roller coaster. What was even worse, as I was going backwards, my right feet accidentally stepped on the accelerator and imagined this diary, the seat went backwards with me inside it and the car went forward when I accidentally stepped on the accelerator. The car jerked but did not move because luckily, I did not released the handbrake. It was the most good thing I did during the test, otherwise, I could have got an immediate failure.

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The rest of the ride was fine except for a few hiccups here and there thanks to my never ending nervous breakdown syndrome. When the tester told me to turn left, I turned right and all I could do then was to apologise and smile not so very proudly. It was hillarious and comical.The tester spoke to me all the way during the test. I just thought that it was a good idea regardless what his intention was. When he talked to me, I felt a little relieved because it made me felt less nervous. I think I drove ok and I proved my driving competency. I really did not know if I would passed my test then but I did and I thank God very much. I am now holding a Class 3 driving license and I am entitled to drive a car now. It sure feels good to accomplish something that you have work so hard for and it's time to celebrate. Congratulations to myself! This is truly a spiritual joy; the ecstasy of salvation.