When Sadness And Happiness Collide

Dear Diary,

I have been busy going places and doing things. I have no more space in my own home now since the takeover of my room by the new owner. I cleared my room empty including the stuffs I left behind 5 years ago in my wardrobe when I moved to Kuala Lumpur. The little boxes I kept my most treasured collections of my late brother’s things and the locked drawer that has been left unopened for as long as I was away; they were all still there, untouched, unmoved and unexplored by others. It is like they were waiting for me to come back and get them.

I took my time clearing my stuffs, putting them in boxes where I sealed them securely merely trying to make sure that no one else would have access to it. All the memories came back to me in a day. I touched the wallet that used to belong to my late brother. I saw the notes he left us before he died. His handwriting on that note still looked very familiar to me even after 6 years he is gone. Tears were in my eyes when I read them. I held his photo closed to my heart and I allowed myself to be emotional and sentimental about it all. I wanted to feel that way and I knew that is probably the last time I could feel him in that room, in this house. I know that feeling is often the deeper truth, the opinion the more superficial one. Feelings are much like waves, we can't stop them from coming but we can choose which one to surf. I chose to surf sadness on that day.

I had his cap in the little box too. I recalled how he wore that cap to cover his bald head from the chemotheraphy he had for his cancer. It was heartwarming reminiscing about it but I let it be. I was alone in the house and I knew I had the time to myself to sense what I really want to feel about leaving this house without having my parents to witness how heartbreaking it is for me. I did not want them to feel bad I have never really showed my parents how I truly feel about his death. You are my only source of releasing the guilt that I have inside me Diary.

I still have his last packet of cigarettes tucked neatly in a Tupperware. How I remember when I used to light his cigarette when he wanted a smoke. I supposed there was no use in stopping him to smoke anymore when I knew he was dying. It was like in prison where a convict will get to eat what he wanted to eat the day before his death sentenced is carried out. I wanted him to have what he wanted and I knew my parents would have approved of it too.

It is hard to write to you nowadays Diary. I have so much to tell about my life now. There are many stories I want to share with you but time and space are not on my side. I have been coping with life and I have gotten used to being in Singapore for good now. I am trying all my best to make things work and I have taught myself to have a little patience for the things I hope for. Life is difficult but I also know that life is beautiful.

Regardless of what happens, I thank God for the good and nice people that came into my life. For the ones that have been gone, I still remember them and carry them in my background because they have left footprints in my heart. For the ones that have just come into my life, I promised myself that I will treasure them and appreciate what I have with them. Life is too short to complain and too unpredictable to be choosy. Although I know being able to make a choice is every human’s blessing, I choose to be thankful that these people exist in my life for reasons I can see only if I teach myself to accept them for who and what they really are. Someone once told me that happiness is something subjective; man is fond of counting his troubles, but he does not count his joys. If he counted them up as he ought to, he would see that every lot has enough happiness provided for it.

I will embrace happiness tightly now and I will never let it go for I know happiness are the ones that put smiles on my face. Often people attempt to live their lives backwards; they try to have more things, or more money, in order to do more of what they want, so they will be happier. The way it actually works is the reverse. You must first be who you really are, then do what you need to do, in order to have what you want and be very modest about it all.