I Am A Labourer Now

Dear Diary,

The job hunting has stopped. I have gotten myself a temporary job that pays peanut but I am happy doing it. It is cheap labour but as long as it keeps me happy coming to work, I shall stay to complete the contract. I did not need to go for any interviews for this job. I just needed to agree to work as a hard labourer and the job is mine. It is a three months contract and yes, this is a holiday job. Work starts at eight in the morning and ends at whenever.

The people in the new workplace are friendly. There are many temporary staffs as well and most of them are way much younger than I am. I did not feel uncomfortable though because the environment here is simply simple. I come to work and wait for instructions. I do as per instructed and then I go home. When I got home, I do not need to think about work neither do I have to dream about work. It is a carefree holiday job that does not give me any pressure at all.

I wear jeans, t-shirt and sneakers to work. Ocassionally I would wear slippers. I do not join the crowd with proper office wear anymore instead I join the blue collar crowd nowadays. It is the nature of my new job that makes me relax I guess. I do not need to iron my office wear clothes anymore instead I grab any of my old scruffy levis jeans and any t-shirt to go along with it. If I am too lazy to wear my sneakers, I would just slip onto my slippers. I do not do my hair neither do I put on some make up to work because I will get sweaty and dirty therefore there is absolutely no need to look pretty.

On my first day, I was taught how to fold some of the boxes used to pack the products. On my second day, I was taught how to pack the products into the boxes and on my third day, I was taught how to scan the products before packing them into the boxes. It is a fun job suitable for people like me. I have gotten sick of having a desk bound job. I have got fed up with a job in the air conditioned office that promise me nothing but unhappiness. I am tired of the rat race Diary and I ended myself in a warehouse. *grins* Now what do you have to say to that?

The warehouse is not an air conditioned warehouse but there are many wall fans that can blow your wig off your head if you are wearing one. It is a good thing that I wear my hair short. It can be very irritating having such powerfull fans blowing your hair all over your head while you are trying to get some work done. I am attached to Giraffe. She is a mother of three and is a full time permanent staff of that logistic company. She has a very playful character which makes me feel comfortable working with her. I have fun at work.

At times, I chuckle to myself watching Giraffe works because she has this funny characteristic that only makes you want to be playful with her. Everybody thought I was Chinese on my first day. I even had people talking to me in Mandarin. It was the usual stuffs for me. I knew I had it coming. I have been getting a lot of that since I was young. Anyway, I like this job because I do not have to write any report neither do I have to achieve any sales target. It is just me and the boxes. There are a couple of things that I have to learn but it is not as difficult as doing sales for banks.

The job is very physical demanding less of my brain power. It is a simple job that gives me some peace before I decide what do I do with my life. We are still submitting the loans application. I had been hopeful and I am still hopeful that at least one or two out of the many applications we will be sending are successful. There is still a silent strong desire in me to be my own boss, once again.

Few Little Stories

Hello Diary,

I am good today. I felt rejuvenated and calm. I had two appointments today in the morning and that helped to kill the time in the morning. I finished at 1130, had my lunch in town and I went straight home. Life was easy today since I did not have to idle much outside. The house was empty when I got home. Mother is working in the afternoon shift and that really suit my schedule. You see...I had resigned from that job, remember the most boring job ever?  I could not take it anymore. That job was full of nonsense. I just did not feel I belong there. 

I tendered on June 1 and Mr. Tortoise let me go immediately. I was not a confirmed staff so he could give me an early release. I took his offer without having second thoughts and now, I am just back, to what I am good. I have decided I do not want any permanent job. Therefore, I am on the lookout for any temporary job and most likely, I will know my place tomorrow. I guess I just have to wait. Both the interviews today went well. Not much of dramas or lying as I answered them accordingly. 

The loan is still pending. We need to wait for another one or two more months before we can make a fresh application. I am waiting and I think Hello Kitty is waiting too, patiently. I suppose she is the most patient of the two of us. I am not complaining I am simply doing what I have to do waiting. I have taught myself to be relaxed. I guess being out of that boring job did me some good, as I no longer feel pressured to achieve anything. There are many things about that job that makes it so lame. It is simply not worth talking about.

I am in my last year of being a youth Diary. In addition, I am still trying to decide what I want to do as a career. I may still look like a lost child but I know what I want, it is just that time is not on my side yet. I have told myself many times about that. I bought myself a new phone. Well, I did not exactly buy one. I renewed my contract for another two years with the telephone operator I am with and I have to choose between iPhone 4 and Samsung S2 free. At first, I opted for iPhone but the colour I had wanted was out of stock and the salesgirl suggested Samsung S2 to me. She said it is more user friendly than iPhone and many of her colleagues had switched from iPhone to S2. I took her advice and I never looked back since. 

On the first night of using S2, I was somewhat awkward. Everything seemed different and I have not understood what was so great about this android phone. It has claimed many praises and some reviewers even said that it could be the best phone on earth. Well, I gave myself 3 days and I could not agree more with them. This android phone is simply amazing and it has more features than an iPhone. I can do more with it. It is interactive and it really lives by its name smart phone, while iPhone is simply an iPhone. Oh well, enough said Diary. This phone is a birthday gift to me and I love every bit of it.

I surrendered myself to Allah this evening. After shower, I took my wudhu and prayed. It has been a long time. I do not want to get too lost Diary. I know somehow I have to get back to Him. I have been reading a lot of motivational stories and quotes. I suppose I have something that I can still be proud of, determination. It is okay that even at this age, I am still struggling to make a living but that is only because I am too stubborn to submit myself to being an employee permanently. I want to be my own boss. I do not want to have people bossing me around. How long will I take to be there? Well, beats me but I had been one before and I am sure I can do it again, can't I?

Sedikit Dari Apa Aku Rasa

Hello Diary, 

Apa khabar kau di sana? Sudah terasa lama sekali aku tidak menulis. Jadual harian tidaklah begitu sibuk tapi masih tidak ada masa untuk menulis. Hari hari yang aku lalui seperti biasa. Hanya menunggu masa for that something to happen. Sementara menunggu, aku masih lagi mengharap dengan penuh yakin bahawa suatu hari akan terjadi juga perkara yang sangat aku ingini sekali. Pernah aku terasa seperti mahu menyerah kalah tetapi sebagai manusia, masih ada sedikit perasaan untuk tidak berputus asa. Lumrah hidup...bila gagal atau lama sangat menunggu, pasti akan terasa seperti putus harapan atau hilang segala semangat yang ada.  

 Aku masih berusaha walaupun usaha aku tidaklah begitu effective tapi hanya itu yang mampu aku lakukan. Kadang kala, teringin sekali meminta dari ibu bapaku tetapi siapalah diri ini. Aku tidak pernah membanggakan mereka apatah lagi menyenangkan mereka. Sudah tak terkira berapa kali kegagalan aku. Buat itu tak menjadi buat ini tak menjadi. Apa sahaja yang boleh aku buat yang akan menjadi. Kalau diukur kajayaan aku...mungkin hanya seberapa baris sahaja di muka surat pertama. Tidak perlu muka surat kedua untuk mencatit kejayaan aku.  Tetapi...despite all that, aku tahu aku masih ada cita cita, harapan, semangat dan mungkin juga segelintir teman teman yang percaya aku akan sampai juga di destinasi aku. 

Ya Tuhan...sungguh tidak senang untuk diri aku mengharungi jalan ini. Mungkin senang pada yang lain tapi bukan untuk aku sebab aku adalah seorang dreamer yang mudah hilang focus. Aku tahu apakah yang ada di dada aku tapi aku hanya manusia yang perlukan sokongan moral. Ini bukan self pity tetapi hanya kenyataan yang jujur.  Sudah berapa hari aku menghabiskan masa membaca tentang fakta fakta untuk project aku. Ada juga aku berkongsi dengan ibuku tetapi hanya kritikan demi kritikan yang dilemparkan kepadaku. Aku hanya berdiam seribu bahasa dan pada masa itu juga aku tahu, walau macam mana susah atau lambat pun aku mesti berdiri di atas kaki sendiri. Aku tidak marah, cuma terkilan tetapi siapa yang punya angkara kalau bukan diri aku sendiri? Kegagalan aku lebih banyak dari kejayaan aku, jadi janganlah berkecil hati jikalau dilayan sebegitu oleh seorang insan yang paling aku harapkan untuk memberi sokongan moral kepadaku.  

Diary, di dalam hati aku ada seperti satu perasaan yang sudah sekian lama aku pendamkan. Perasaan itu seperti melonjak lonjak tidak sabar untuk break free, kau paham maksud aku? Tapi masih belum boleh aku lepaskan perasaan itu. Banyak sekali perkara perkara yang membuat aku memendam perasaan aku dengan keluarga aku. Ia bukanlah dendam tapi satu perasaan yang susah untuk aku luahkan. Mungkin boleh, tapi mungkin juga itu hanya perasaan aku sendiri. Engkau pun tahu betapa sensitive hati aku ini. Mungkin juga perasaan yang aku ada hanyalah mainan hati dan emosi.

 Diary...ketahuilah engkau, aku menulis bukan untuk meminta atau menagih simpati. Ini hanya sedikit luahan yang perlu aku keluarkan daripada berbuku di dalam hati. Semua orang tahu kalau perasaan yang tidak sihat dibiarkan membesar di dalam hati, ia boleh menjadi suatu penyakit. Tidak pernah aku meminta mereka percaya kepadaku tetapi jauh di sudut hati, ingin sekali aku mendengar kata kata perangsang untuk aku membekalkan diri meneruskan perjalanan ini kerana aku tahu aku perlukan itu untuk membakar sedikit semangat yang telah tinggal di dalam diri ini. Semoga aku tabah, jiwa aku kuat dan minda aku sihat apabila sampai di sana kelak.

I Will Give Up If It Is Time

Dear Diary,

I am writing to you to let you know that I am on a verge of giving up. I have become so tired of things. My mood is not so good today and I know I need a break from things. Nothing that I had planned had worked out except to job hop. Come to think of it I really do not know what has gotten into me. It is not about love anymore. It has become so complex that I can never imagine. I am not sure if I still know what love is all about. 

Trust is life. I have heard that somewhere in a movie. Yeah, it was in Goodwill Hunting. The main ingredient to a successful relationship is trust. I suppose I have gotten sick and tired of attempting to be trustworthy in a relationship. I have become worn out of making an effort and explaining. There is a big ball of anger in my heart right now that I believe will explode anytime soon. I feel like shouting out so loud that even God cannot hear. I feel like smashing hundreds of watermelon with a baseball bat. I have never done it but I know doing it, will make me feel delightful. It gives me a good sense of satisfaction and a steady outflow of all the anger I have inside me. Watching the watermelon smashed into pieces that are just impossible to put back together will help to put my anger at ease.  

Diary, one thing I have learnt from everything I have gone through is to stop having hope. I hope everyday for my dreams to come true. Everybody said it was not easy but nobody said that it was going to be this difficult either. When someone gives you hope you start to wonder and ponder. Everything you do revolves around that glimpse of hope you have and you start to question yourself. I do not want to be indebted but at the same time, I want it so bad. I do not want to be misunderstood but I have become so tired of making it happen on my own. I have lost Diary. I know I have a choice.

I know I am not girlfriend material. I do not live in a cave where having friends and acquaintances are remotely impossible. I have my needs and I have my desires but I am only human that can only take so much of nonsense. Who is the bad guy here Diary? It has always been me. People judge me before they even knew me. It is sad, I know. It has got to a point where nothing really matters anymore, not even my dreams. At the end of the day, I believe it all boils down to myself. I have a choice to put a stop to this. What is love if you keep feeling lousy about yourself thinking about it? 

I have noticed that people pay too much attention to other people's fault that they overlook their own. They talk too much about themselves that in the end will only contradict themselves. I supposed we simply have to take a good look in the mirror and then we will know. It does not take a genius to figure that one. All the assumptions, we know that they are termites of relationships. However much we know it, we still assume very easily. And that is the saddest part of all because in jealousy there is more self-love than love and assumption is the great exaggerator.