I Will Give Up If It Is Time

Dear Diary,

I am writing to you to let you know that I am on a verge of giving up. I have become so tired of things. My mood is not so good today and I know I need a break from things. Nothing that I had planned had worked out except to job hop. Come to think of it I really do not know what has gotten into me. It is not about love anymore. It has become so complex that I can never imagine. I am not sure if I still know what love is all about. 

Trust is life. I have heard that somewhere in a movie. Yeah, it was in Goodwill Hunting. The main ingredient to a successful relationship is trust. I suppose I have gotten sick and tired of attempting to be trustworthy in a relationship. I have become worn out of making an effort and explaining. There is a big ball of anger in my heart right now that I believe will explode anytime soon. I feel like shouting out so loud that even God cannot hear. I feel like smashing hundreds of watermelon with a baseball bat. I have never done it but I know doing it, will make me feel delightful. It gives me a good sense of satisfaction and a steady outflow of all the anger I have inside me. Watching the watermelon smashed into pieces that are just impossible to put back together will help to put my anger at ease.  

Diary, one thing I have learnt from everything I have gone through is to stop having hope. I hope everyday for my dreams to come true. Everybody said it was not easy but nobody said that it was going to be this difficult either. When someone gives you hope you start to wonder and ponder. Everything you do revolves around that glimpse of hope you have and you start to question yourself. I do not want to be indebted but at the same time, I want it so bad. I do not want to be misunderstood but I have become so tired of making it happen on my own. I have lost Diary. I know I have a choice.

I know I am not girlfriend material. I do not live in a cave where having friends and acquaintances are remotely impossible. I have my needs and I have my desires but I am only human that can only take so much of nonsense. Who is the bad guy here Diary? It has always been me. People judge me before they even knew me. It is sad, I know. It has got to a point where nothing really matters anymore, not even my dreams. At the end of the day, I believe it all boils down to myself. I have a choice to put a stop to this. What is love if you keep feeling lousy about yourself thinking about it? 

I have noticed that people pay too much attention to other people's fault that they overlook their own. They talk too much about themselves that in the end will only contradict themselves. I supposed we simply have to take a good look in the mirror and then we will know. It does not take a genius to figure that one. All the assumptions, we know that they are termites of relationships. However much we know it, we still assume very easily. And that is the saddest part of all because in jealousy there is more self-love than love and assumption is the great exaggerator.