the woman that puts a smile on my face

Dear diary,

I need to speak to my brother…it has really been a long time.
.
Dearest big brother,
.
As I was about to write my thoughts to you, I couldn’t help but to be feeling so sad, guilty and lousy. You might have think that I have been ignoring you but please believe me when I tell you that I have been thinking about you whenever I breathe. It is still difficult living without you but I know I have to move on. I am sad whenever I think of you, and I am even more sad whenever I talk about you. I can’t help myself big brother, my love for you is still so strong that it is not illogical to say it is unbreakable.Many things happened in my life that I do not know which one to tell you first.
.
I have been dreaming a lot too but the frequent phone calls from mom and dad help to keep my feet on solid groud. Dad bought me a car and I have been swaying from my books. So much for gratitude. But I know I will pull it off someday somehow like how I have always will. I have met someone. I call her infinity. Before I begin further, please accept my apologies if you do not like what you will be reading but I am letting you know about the thing that inspires me discreetly.
.
I know you will somehow accept what I am and be happy about the news I am going to let you know. I have known infinity for a couple of days now and perhaps our level of affections have grown a little bigger. I am happy about it because it has been awhile since I have felt this way. I have stopped finding love with women, I just flirt with them you know. Somehow, after your death, I am mellowed a little and I slowed down. I have met many women but I wasn’t seeing anyone.
.
Infinity is simple but moderately sophisticated and charming. She is fun to be with because she is sweet and nice. i was so shy when I first laid my eyes on her. She just stunned me and I always stammer and fumble with my words whenever I was with her. She made me feel groovy all over again. It has been awhile and I felt good. The first time I met her, I did not even dare to look at her too much because I was afraid she might have gotten the wrong side of me. I was watching her but only from a distance. She didn’t talk much but everytime she spoke, I took the opportunity to look at her. Those were my only chances to look straight to her face. She was quiet but without saying a word she could make my heart beats faster than usual and my palms all sweaty.
.
I was curious about her and I wanted to know her.She is special to me big brother. Confessions have been made but I guess we all just take it slow and leave things to mother nature. It is better like that than to rush things. I think I am falling for her but I do not want to push things fast forward. Let it flow, take it slow people say. I will probably do that. I just want to be safe. The last time I felt this way was with flying waitress. Things did not turn up as expected but I am fine. It hurts a little but it gives me the pleasure of knowing her. I am happy now big brother, infinity made me feel all excited again. Every text message from her is saved in a folder in my phone. I am not obsessed but I just want to treasure the thoughts she has for me while I can.
.
I miss her everyday but I do not tell her that. I am afraid that she will get sick of me one day if I get too mushy with her. I am always careful whenever I express myself to her. Perhaps I am so afraid she might get turn off with me and leave just like what aramis and flying waitress did. I often think about her and I wonder at times if she would be doing the same thing too. I am not sure about the future but I want to live it daily with happiness. You know I have stopped making long term plannings but somehow or rather, infinity has been my inspiration. It’s not about having her but it is about knowing her. To have her or not is secondary, the primary thing is I treasure her.
.
She has said that she doesn’t really know what does she want out of me but she admitted that she likes and loves me. I smiled when she said that and I was dumbfounded. I didn’t know how to react. I was speechless for the frst time with a woman. I really did not expect her to say that because I wasn’t sure she would be feeling that way. The thing about infinity is, she is straight and I really couldn’t tell and to expect what was coming from her. If something did come out of her, I really honestly couldn’t tell what was she expecting from me. It is like not knowing what to do and how to react anymore. I don’t know what’s going on with me but I guess this is the first time I am getting myself involved intimately with a straight woman.I have never made my move on her. I have never tried to come on to her because as much as how I wanted to kiss her, I still give her the respect she truly deserves from me.
.
I miss her big brother but it is something I dare not say too often. She is someone that makes me feel like kissing everytime she speaks. I have to admit that whenever she speaks, I do not hear the sound of her voice but instead all I hear was myself saying how much I wanted to taste those lips of hers. Do not think of me as a pervert but I just couldn’t help it because I really think she is sexy. When she touched me, I get goosebumps and I became nervous. I do not have any plans of what I will do but if I were to love her, I will love her passionately. I know the minute I have accepted her in my life, it is also the minute where I tell myself that I have to let her go someday.
.
I might have love her already but I know I cannot get what I want out of a relationship living life like this. Whatever it is, she is one woman who has left footprints in my heart.What do you think big brother? I am sure you would have like her if you were to meet her. I like her the first time I saw her. Have you ever felt that way big brother? You knew you like someone the very first time you lay your eyes on her. It was like magic. You smile all day when she calls or when she text. Just one message from her is enough to make your day. You don’t need to be close with her but hearing her voice is sufficient to make you feel close to her. What is it big brother? Do you call that love? I am not sure but I know I like her and I enjoy her company and I am probably falling in love with her.
.
Little brother has come and stay with us for good. I am not sure if I have told you that in my last letter to you. I am happy about it and so is mom. Dad and mom are doing good but they are busy about the house construction. It is almost ready and we also need lots of money to finance the project. I might go back to singapore for a couple of months to work and save money before I continue my 2nd year. I think I will get a few months break and I am going to use it wisely. I have been struggling you know. I think I have spent too much time outside than at home with my books. I feel bad and down lately. I get demotivated easily nowadays.
.
There was once I text almost all my friends seeking some motivational quotes from them. A few helped me but the most vivid one I remember was from survivor. She told me about the dream condominium I wanted to get and about the car. She told me how she has faith in me. I smiled, I nodded and I knew it then, I could make it through. I have been listening to Josh Groban, You Raise Me Up so many times lately. That is because I probably want to get inspired by the lyrics in that song.
.
It always reminds me of mom and dad everytime I listen to that song. It motivates me and it brings me to the time how mom and dad struggled to raise us up with little money but with abundants supply of love. The thought of them could make me cry and how I remembered when we were once a complete happy family. I miss those moments very much…if only I could do a miracle and rewind those moments. I have skipped some prayers and I have not read the Yassin or the Al Fateha to you. Forgive me for being so insensitive to your needs big brother. I am just not very stable right now.
.
I am probably in denial but I have lost all the juice and steam. I need a dose of motivations and inspirations. I will probably get that from infinity. She’s someone special to me now. I adore her and I admire her. She’s a good person you know. She planned something for my birthday. That even made me more shy toward her. I lost my grip with her because I became so shy that I hardly talk to her. It made her feel uncomfortable and she thought I was upset with her. I couldn’t hold my expressions at that time. I was pissed with pretty boy over some issues. I got turn off and I got angry. I was rude to her and infinity had the impression that my sour face and lousy attitude were directed at her. I felt even more lousy and worse. I made it up to her and it all started from there. She’s so forgiving. I love her and I adore her very much. I have to go big brother, I will write to you again when time permits.
.
I love you forever.