Dear diary,
>
I am so sleepy already but I know I have to write to you. Something happened today and I am not sure if I had sounded like I was sick and tired of infinity. She made it sound as if I have gotten sick of her. I hope I did not but if she wants to interpret it that way, then I cannot change that for now since we are apart.One thing that I have not told you about infinity is that, she is the type who does not leave home without me unless she has to leave on personal business like work. We always do things together and we are often seen together almost everytime. I am ok with that. I have no problem with that. However, I hope she will understand of how things have to change sometimes.
>
I am back to singapore and I actually planned to come back to selangor on the 30th of oct. but my brother is bringing few of his friends home for a feast on Tuesday the 31st of oct. this means, mom will be doing the cooking,cutting,chopping,stirring and garnishing alone. If you had known me since I was born, you would have guessed that I would not allow mom to do those things by herself. Come on diary, any sensible tom dick and harry would have understand why I do not allow mom to do it alone. It would be tiring and most of all; I am reluctant to let her do all the hard work without any help. Therefore, I decided to prolong my stay in singapore to help mom do the cooking.
>
However, of course this decision is made without consulting infinity. When I broke the news to her, she seemed unhappy and upset although she did not show it openly. Being her, she continues to text me telling me of how much she misses me and she wants me to come home early. I am very pressured by her at times. Sometimes I feel like she is making me choose between my family and her. I am sad actually but I don’t know how to explain. There are only two of us left and now that I am in malaysia, that makes only big brother is available to accompany my parents at home. I feel bad with myself if I couldn’t do anything to help up. I just have to stay a bit longer with them so I could lend helping hands to mom. I strongly believe infinity would understand but she is more concern about how much she misses me and pays no attention to the message I wanted to convey to her. I am not sure if she did get my message and just ignore it because she is too concern for her own feelings than mine.
>
Whatever it is, I am sad and I must say that I am hurt.I lost my cool and I sent her some very straighforward messsages that only explain the very reasons why I wanted to prolong my stay in singapore. I let it all out and I was very direct and I must agree that I was a little emotional when I sent her those messages so I did sound a little harsh. Believe me diary, all I wanted to do was to let her know how I feel and perhaps I got a little overboard because when emotions take control of the mind, things can get a little out of hand. Yeah so, I screwed up a little in the reasoning part but I am just human am I not?I told her not to text me for a while because I was angry and I told her to think about what I have said like an adult. I guess she was hurt and she is probably thinking that I have gotten sick and tired of her. She is keeping silent and it is actually killing me slowly.
>
There is no more message from her and I am losing my mind now. Diary, if what I said to her have offended her, I swear that I did not mean it. All I wanted was to give her some insights about my situation. If I am not the one helping my mum then who else will? I don’t have many siblings who I can depend on. You know what had happen to my family and it always makes me sad. I miss infinity a lot but I have not told her because I am ashame of myself. I wish she knew how much I have been missing her but I have to keep it to myself because I do not want to make myself choose between my family and my love.
No comments:
Post a Comment