I Am Smelling Freedom From Stress

Dear Diary,

How has it been for you? It has been rough for me but I am hanging on. My contract with the bank is expiring and it looks like I am not renewing it. There are many reasons why I chose not to do it. The stress level is too enormous for me and the monetary rewards do not make up for the stress level. My efforts to get funds seem futile so I shall say officially that I am still in phase one of my ambition. 

I am not thwarted but I am dead beat. I am so worn-out that I do not know what I want anymore. Having to go through phase one of the plan seems a tall order for me. I have to go through it anyway. There are parts of me that want to get away from everything but there are parts of me that want to keep working on it until I succeed. 

I have started sending out my resumes and I have gone for one interview. The interview sucks big time when I felt that the interviewer was nothing but a bitch. She knew she has the control because the power was in her hands. I was like the interviewee whose fate will depend on her goodwill and how likeable I was to her.  She caught me off guard many times and I hesitate upon the questions she asked. I could not focus because honestly, I did not know what I want any longer. For the first time, this snobbish stuck up female interviewer defeated me. I could not care less anymore. I did not want to perform in the interview when I already knew the chances I had to impress her had long gone. Despite of my sales record, I knew she did not like me. Screw her Diary. I may be looking for a job but I am not that hard up especially with this kind of interviewer.

I have heard that the commission structure this bank gives is one of the best there is. Their top sales person can earn a five-digit figure monthly. I know this is probably what I want but I simply got turned off. I supposed I would just wait and see and put hopes aside for this one. 

I am sleepy Diary. I have to be in Tangkak and then Malacca this weekend for a family gathering. I hate this so much especially when I have to hang out with the relatives on my mum’s side. I honestly am not comfortable hanging around with them but I have to because I have to accompany my parents. I hope that time will pass so quickly so I can just drive back to Singapore soon. I wish I do not have to go and could just spend the time in Tangkak all by myself. I miss relaxing by myself and I know that is what I need. 

The headache is back Diary and it is so often now that I have to carry panadol in my bag. I take one tablet almost everyday. It hurts day after day like how my heart aches to be back in Subang Jaya. I keep thinking of my lifestyle there these days and I just wonder why. I thought I am over it but I am not. This is possibly because time is on my side since I have let myself loose about work. December is the month where I let my hair down about my job. I feel relax now knowing that I will be leaving this stressful job that even comes into my dream. I am sensing freedom from stress now Diary. I have heard before that you have freedom when you're easy in your harness. In the truest sense, freedom cannot be bestowed; it must be achieved. Freedom is the oxygen of the soul. We feel free when we escape - even if it be but from the frying pan into the fire. 

I do not know what I will get myself into next but whatever it is, it is still going to be phase one and I am going to be patient about it as you get the chicken by hatching the eggs, not by smashing it.

Still Feeling The Blues...

Dear Diary,

I woke up feeling not motivated at all to go to work. I did not pray as hard as I have always had for my sales to be good today and apparently my sales was bad. I am not sure what has gotten into me but this week has been very unenergetic for me. I am probably still feeling lose from the long weekend I have had. I really couldn’t be bothered about how my sales are this week because I knew that would only make me feel more pressured and stressful. I knew I have had enough to apply for financial assistance from the banks and I simply hope that my salary slips for the past three months would have impressed the banks so they can give me a good credit limit. 

I am not feeling too good now Diary. I just feel upset over things that I do not know. I know the sales I made today caused this stir of emotions but I also know how much I tried to avoid thinking about it, I cannot. It is very upsetting when you hear your colleagues are closing sales one after another but you are still stuck with the same figures even after making hundreds of phone calls. It is very mind blowing job and honestly, I am beginning to have divided feelings about it. 

How are you Diary? Have you missed me like how I miss you? Have you thought about me lately? I have been writing to you devoutedly because I know you are all I have. I want to tell you stories and talk to you like before but I know our tight schedule makes it almost impossible. I miss those times when we used to share everything together. Sometimes I feel awkward when I missed writing to you but I always know you will understand because you are the understanding one, the forgiving one and the soft one among the two of us. Sometimes I feel ashamed of myself by the way I have behaved towards you. I know I have been selfish, temperamental, sensitive and hot tempered but I hope you know that I am only human Diary. I have my flaws and weaknesses and if only I can do miracles, I would do it simply so I could be the perfect friend to you. I do not want to be other people as most people are other people.  Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation. 

I have tried Diary to be a better man, to my parents, to you, to my friends and to the people in the streets but I cannot fake myself and I cannot lie about my feelings. I am told to just be myself, but as much as I have practiced the impression, I am still no good at it. Oh well Diary, I am sure you will understand. I am sorry for being a little emotional in today’s entry. It is the job and I must admit I am a little affected by it. I have told mother about my plan and she seems to be concern about it. She told me to continue working and to save enough to buy some goats to start goats rearing business in Tangkak. I can tell that she is merely concern about how the food business in Singapore I want to do will fair. 

Everybody knows it is not going to guarantee a stable income for me but I got to try Diary. I just want to do something that I know I like. The great majority of us are required to live a life of constant duplicity.  Your health is bound to be affected if, day after day, you say the opposite of what you feel, if you grovel before what you dislike, and rejoice at what brings you nothing but misfortune.  I want to start something in Singapore first as I want to have income from Singapore to start something in Malaysia. It is all about the currency. It is only natural for me to do so. The only thing left for me to do now is to work on it and execute it phase by phase. 

I am almost through with the first phase of my plan. I hope I can pass through the second phase smoothly because the second phase of my plan is the most hardest of all and if I cannot get through it, I am not sure if I can go on with what I have. It is not easy Diary and I am definitely going to pray to Him as hard as I could because I know only Him can help me to bring to life my fantasies. The two hardest things to handle in life are failure and success. So I supposed whatever I do, do with all my heart.      

Spending Aidiladha in Tangkak

Dear Diary,

I fell asleep right after I had my late dinner after work. I was still in my working clothes and I lie down in the bed and shut my eyes. Immediately I was in dreamland. I was tired and exhausted from the activities I had over the weekend. We had so much fun over the weekend that I felt awkward coming back to Singapore. The whole entourage of family was in Tangkak for Aidiladha. We had three cows and two goats to sacrifice. 

It was the biggest event ever I believe and it was more organized at home then the first one we had two years back. The house is fully equipped with furniture and utensils to use to cook. We were never short of anything and that made me proud because I contributed the bulk of the useful utensils. The stalls that I had closed in Kuala Lumpur, gave me the chance to keep and bring back all the lock stock and barrels. At least they did not go to waste. 

We had beef and mutton beriyani and we had many more food. I was in charge of the drinks and my job was to make sure there was enough supply of water to drink. I supposed that suited me a lot. Mum and dad occupied themselves with entertaining the guests. My elder brother was busy with his own thing and I took care of the house overall. Everyone of us had our role and duty. We somehow managed with whatever we have. 

The aunties, uncles and cousins had fun especially the night when we played the fireworks. We bought fireworks illegally from the shop that we knew had these supplies. It was not easy because they only sell the fireworks to regulars and to people with faces they deemed trustworthy. I was rejected but my cousin brothers were not so I was thinking I am the one with the angelic face among them perhaps while they had the face of a crook. 

We almost spent about RM1000 on fireworks alone. We bought seven of the middle range ones each cost about RM100. It was expensive but it was worthwhile. The fireworks was spectacular almost like the ones you always get to see during the national day celebration in the stadium only that they were a little smaller, less grand and ends quickly. Despite all that, it was enough to impress the Singaporeans who never got the chance to play fireworks in their own country. 

Everybody looked up when we launch the fireworks, I could see the faces filled with excitements, old and young they were all happy faces. When the fireworks ended, everybody clapped and cheered. I felt like I was in a stadium watching the national day parade only that the crowd is smaller and less fireworks display. The house was filled with laughter of joy and happiness. It was fun although it was tiring. The weekend spent with them was fulfilling and I wished I could be that happy and carefree forever. I wish I could just stay in Tangkak without having to worry about work and having to come back to Singapore. 

I am tired of working Diary and I hope I could get my plans started. This work is giving me an enormous pressure. It even visited me in my dreams and that is something I cannot tolerate. I wake up thinking about it and dreaming about it is the last thing I want to do. It is really about time that I do something about it. I am one month away from executing my second phase of my dream. Let us hope it works Diary.  

What Really Makes Me Feel So Pressure

Dear Diary,

Pumpkin is getting married today and I am not attending her wedding. I am invited and her card arrived a day before her wedding. I cannot attend her wedding, as I have to be in Tangkak. Yes, I am writing to you in Tangkak now from my bedroom that is filled with smoke from the cigarette I am smoking. I have a blanket underneath the door to avoid the smoke from coming out of the room. I am not sure if my parents know that I still smoke even though I have told them I have quit.

I have never quit from smoking. I only stopped and as and when I feel that I have to smoke, the spare packet of cigarette will always come in handy. I have about three to four sticks of cigarette daily. I try to cut it down but work can be stressful sometimes and whenever I need to get away from my desk, I will go for a smoke alone. I prefer to go alone than with my colleagues in a group. When I smoke during work that is the only private time I have at work and that is the time when I would call Hello Kitty and chat with her for the short time I have.

Talking to her makes me calm at least as I am able to release some if not all the tensions and pressures I have at work. She would be the listener and I would be the storyteller. At times, I wonder how it is going to be if she is gone from my life. I do ponder at that thought and I would imagine myself all by myself. It is scary and sad to have to go through that phase again.

She and I may be undergoing a long distant relationship now but I know it is only temporary. I am working out something in Singapore and I really hope it would kick off in January 2012. I am working so hard now to turn that dream into reality. I have written down the plan and the 'to do' list and I am waiting for the time execute it. I am pretty excited about it all and I know I will have obstacles but isn't that what life is all about? Whatever we do, they are always obstacles, even to love someone there is obstacle.

Work has been as usual, my sales have been good, and I am thankful for the 'rezeki' Allah has given me. If everything goes smoothly, I might be hitting 1.3 million in total volume of sales for the month of October. There are three tiers of commission scheme that the bank offers. The first is 1.1, the second is 1.3 and the third is 1.6 millions. I have never hit the third tier commission scheme before and I am not sure if it is possible for me. So many factors play a part for a sales officer to hit the commission. Everybody tries to hit at least the second tier as it promises a lot more rewards in terms of monetary. That's where the pressure begins.

Honestly, my mind does not stop thinking of sales. It stops when I go to sleep and it starts again when I wake up. So do you see the bigger picture now Diary? I have every reason on earth to quit this job. I cannot be doing this to my mind, I know my mind works like a time bomb, and it ticks every second with stress and worry. It is simply unhealthy for my mind. I would rather be physically tired than mentally tired. Everybody at works think I am good because of my achievements. There are many better sales officer who easily hit the third tier commission scheme but they still think I am good as I am a newbie; only three months in the trade and I have never missed any commission scheme. That really put a lot of pressures on my two small shoulders.

I am somewhat proud of myself but I am also afraid. I hate careless flattery, the kind that exhausts you in your effort to believe it. You know Diary, have you got the feeling that you have to perform because everybody thinks you are good? You are afraid that if you underperform then people won't think you are good anymore. Oh Diary...I wish I can stop myself from feeling that way. There are four of us in my batch as newbies. I am the top performer in my batch and yes I have over perform some of the old staffs as well who have been working for more than a year. So yeah...to be honest that is where the pressure starts however, I've got a theory that if you give 100 percent all of the time, somehow things will work out in the end.

Oh well Diary...I can go on and on.