Dear Diary,
Pumpkin is getting married today and I am not attending her wedding. I am invited and her card arrived a day before her wedding. I cannot attend her wedding, as I have to be in Tangkak. Yes, I am writing to you in Tangkak now from my bedroom that is filled with smoke from the cigarette I am smoking. I have a blanket underneath the door to avoid the smoke from coming out of the room. I am not sure if my parents know that I still smoke even though I have told them I have quit.
I have never quit from smoking. I only stopped and as and when I feel that I have to smoke, the spare packet of cigarette will always come in handy. I have about three to four sticks of cigarette daily. I try to cut it down but work can be stressful sometimes and whenever I need to get away from my desk, I will go for a smoke alone. I prefer to go alone than with my colleagues in a group. When I smoke during work that is the only private time I have at work and that is the time when I would call Hello Kitty and chat with her for the short time I have.
Talking to her makes me calm at least as I am able to release some if not all the tensions and pressures I have at work. She would be the listener and I would be the storyteller. At times, I wonder how it is going to be if she is gone from my life. I do ponder at that thought and I would imagine myself all by myself. It is scary and sad to have to go through that phase again.
She and I may be undergoing a long distant relationship now but I know it is only temporary. I am working out something in Singapore and I really hope it would kick off in January 2012. I am working so hard now to turn that dream into reality. I have written down the plan and the 'to do' list and I am waiting for the time execute it. I am pretty excited about it all and I know I will have obstacles but isn't that what life is all about? Whatever we do, they are always obstacles, even to love someone there is obstacle.
Work has been as usual, my sales have been good, and I am thankful for the 'rezeki' Allah has given me. If everything goes smoothly, I might be hitting 1.3 million in total volume of sales for the month of October. There are three tiers of commission scheme that the bank offers. The first is 1.1, the second is 1.3 and the third is 1.6 millions. I have never hit the third tier commission scheme before and I am not sure if it is possible for me. So many factors play a part for a sales officer to hit the commission. Everybody tries to hit at least the second tier as it promises a lot more rewards in terms of monetary. That's where the pressure begins.
Honestly, my mind does not stop thinking of sales. It stops when I go to sleep and it starts again when I wake up. So do you see the bigger picture now Diary? I have every reason on earth to quit this job. I cannot be doing this to my mind, I know my mind works like a time bomb, and it ticks every second with stress and worry. It is simply unhealthy for my mind. I would rather be physically tired than mentally tired. Everybody at works think I am good because of my achievements. There are many better sales officer who easily hit the third tier commission scheme but they still think I am good as I am a newbie; only three months in the trade and I have never missed any commission scheme. That really put a lot of pressures on my two small shoulders.
I am somewhat proud of myself but I am also afraid. I hate careless flattery, the kind that exhausts you in your effort to believe it. You know Diary, have you got the feeling that you have to perform because everybody thinks you are good? You are afraid that if you underperform then people won't think you are good anymore. Oh Diary...I wish I can stop myself from feeling that way. There are four of us in my batch as newbies. I am the top performer in my batch and yes I have over perform some of the old staffs as well who have been working for more than a year. So yeah...to be honest that is where the pressure starts however, I've got a theory that if you give 100 percent all of the time, somehow things will work out in the end.
Oh well Diary...I can go on and on.
Pumpkin is getting married today and I am not attending her wedding. I am invited and her card arrived a day before her wedding. I cannot attend her wedding, as I have to be in Tangkak. Yes, I am writing to you in Tangkak now from my bedroom that is filled with smoke from the cigarette I am smoking. I have a blanket underneath the door to avoid the smoke from coming out of the room. I am not sure if my parents know that I still smoke even though I have told them I have quit.
I have never quit from smoking. I only stopped and as and when I feel that I have to smoke, the spare packet of cigarette will always come in handy. I have about three to four sticks of cigarette daily. I try to cut it down but work can be stressful sometimes and whenever I need to get away from my desk, I will go for a smoke alone. I prefer to go alone than with my colleagues in a group. When I smoke during work that is the only private time I have at work and that is the time when I would call Hello Kitty and chat with her for the short time I have.
Talking to her makes me calm at least as I am able to release some if not all the tensions and pressures I have at work. She would be the listener and I would be the storyteller. At times, I wonder how it is going to be if she is gone from my life. I do ponder at that thought and I would imagine myself all by myself. It is scary and sad to have to go through that phase again.
She and I may be undergoing a long distant relationship now but I know it is only temporary. I am working out something in Singapore and I really hope it would kick off in January 2012. I am working so hard now to turn that dream into reality. I have written down the plan and the 'to do' list and I am waiting for the time execute it. I am pretty excited about it all and I know I will have obstacles but isn't that what life is all about? Whatever we do, they are always obstacles, even to love someone there is obstacle.
Work has been as usual, my sales have been good, and I am thankful for the 'rezeki' Allah has given me. If everything goes smoothly, I might be hitting 1.3 million in total volume of sales for the month of October. There are three tiers of commission scheme that the bank offers. The first is 1.1, the second is 1.3 and the third is 1.6 millions. I have never hit the third tier commission scheme before and I am not sure if it is possible for me. So many factors play a part for a sales officer to hit the commission. Everybody tries to hit at least the second tier as it promises a lot more rewards in terms of monetary. That's where the pressure begins.
Honestly, my mind does not stop thinking of sales. It stops when I go to sleep and it starts again when I wake up. So do you see the bigger picture now Diary? I have every reason on earth to quit this job. I cannot be doing this to my mind, I know my mind works like a time bomb, and it ticks every second with stress and worry. It is simply unhealthy for my mind. I would rather be physically tired than mentally tired. Everybody at works think I am good because of my achievements. There are many better sales officer who easily hit the third tier commission scheme but they still think I am good as I am a newbie; only three months in the trade and I have never missed any commission scheme. That really put a lot of pressures on my two small shoulders.
I am somewhat proud of myself but I am also afraid. I hate careless flattery, the kind that exhausts you in your effort to believe it. You know Diary, have you got the feeling that you have to perform because everybody thinks you are good? You are afraid that if you underperform then people won't think you are good anymore. Oh Diary...I wish I can stop myself from feeling that way. There are four of us in my batch as newbies. I am the top performer in my batch and yes I have over perform some of the old staffs as well who have been working for more than a year. So yeah...to be honest that is where the pressure starts however, I've got a theory that if you give 100 percent all of the time, somehow things will work out in the end.
Oh well Diary...I can go on and on.
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