Dear Diary,
I really think that my job has taken its toll on me. I wake up feeling tired and sleepy. There is no more energy in me. I do not feel excited anymore coming to work. I remember how I used to feel very lonely, gloomy and sad waking up every morning since I came back to Singapore. The job that I have now, it helps me overcome those feelings and I cannot describe how thankful I am for that. I guess it is true that people say you cannot have your cake and eat it.
I have never taken any annual or medical leave since I started work there. I can say that I am the most efficient staff in my batch and I can proudly say that I am the best sales staff in my batch too. There are four of us and I am the only girl, the only woman I should say. I have wanted to take some days off from work but everytime I wanted to do that, I always feel anxious that I might lose out. Being in the sales team, my daily sales really matter to make up my monthly sales volume. One day of absent from work can really make a big difference.
How have you been Diary? I have always missed you and everytime something happens to me you would be someone that I want to tell. Nevertheless, it has been difficult for me because I know I cannot be as honest and truthful as I was before. That is probably the reason why I have stopped writing for a while. Please accept my most sincere apologies Diary. At times, I wish I could still write to you like before where I have no boundaries and I can say what I truly feel sincerely. People say that honesty is the best policy but I beg to differ.
Today was a fair sales day for me. I did not make any sales until after lunch. I was not worried neither was I panicked. I supposed I have gotten used to it or perhaps I have just become tired of worrying about my sales. I have just learnt that sometimes things which you do not hope happen more frequently than things which you do hope. I have stopped hoping to achieve the top rookie position in my batch. I have learnt to accept things as how they are supposed to happen. Yes, I cannot change the direction of the wind but I can change the direction of my sail.
Today, good things happened to me in the office half an hour before I left office. I closed two deals worth ten thousand dollars each one after another. That really put a smile on my face. I achieved my personal sales target today and that is enough to put my heart at ease. I have to admit that it was not easy for me. Up till today I am still struggling to bring in the figures. I cannot deny that I did not hope for some miracles to happen for my sales to soar. There is always hope in my heart for good things to happen in my course of work as the road that is built in hope is more pleasant to the traveler than the road built in despair, even though they both lead to the same destination.
I do feel like giving up sometimes but then again, this job makes me forget about loneliness and all the unfairness in my life. I guess no matter how stressful this job is, I have to give some respect to it as this job is the one that help me put food on the table and to help divert my attention to bigger things in my life. I supposed that is what I should be doing when I came back to Singapore. I should be paying more attention to something that I know will be worthwhile for me rather than paying attention to some fantasies that I know will not come to life. I should not have mixed fantasies with realities and if I have done that, I ought to be ashamed of myself. I am not regretting what has happened because I know man has always sacrificed truth to his vanity, comfort and advantage. He lives... by make-believe. But, I have come to terms with the fact that truth is the breath of life to human society. It is the food of the immortal spirit. Yet a single word of it may kill a man as suddenly as a drop of prussic acid. Like all dreamers, I mistook disenchantment for truth and truth breeds hatred.
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