I Miss You

Dear Diary,

I miss you so much and I am sorry for not writing.

I Hope To Cross The Mountain

Dear Diary,

The training was boring and I was uncomfortable there. I felt very different from the previous bank I was with. This bank is more strict and stringent with their rules and regulations. All the other trainees were much younger than I am and somehow I felt left out. I had been warned about this and I absolutely understand. There will be tests and quizzes after every topic covered and we have to score at least eighty percent to pass. We are only allowed to re-sit once and if we fail again, our contracts with the bank might have to be reviewed. 

The other trainees are mostly men and there were only two other woman including myself. The other female trainee is a 20 year old woman who wore like as if she was going to the club. I did not pay much attention to the rest. All I wanted was the training to be over as soon as possible. I cannot wait to go out to the field to make sales and bring home a handsome salary. Jason, who sat beside me, yawned non- stop and I couldn’t help but to chuckle at his natural ways. Diva Devil, the 20 year old woman trainee was given a brief comment by the trainer not to wear such dresses again as it is too revealing. I just sat there and listened while observing the environment.

I am not sure what I feel about this. I have not got myself comfortable yet I guess. I simply want to make money, lots of it and I know I have to ignore other unpleasant distractions that I might have here. I do not have to mind about the working colleagues I will have, it will just be the bank and me. That is all that matters. I miss Hello Kitty as she accompanied me for the interview. Somehow, I miss her familiar face in this new environment. I felt safe when she accompanied me and I wish she would be here but she is not. I assume I have to brave myself for this whole new and totally different atmosphere. Wish me all the good things and pray for my perseverance to be strong as nobody trips over mountains.  It is the small pebble that has been causing me to stumble.  I want to pass all the pebbles in my path and I will find that I have crossed the mountain. 

I Feel It Too...

Dear Diary,

I feel like a kid having to go back to school come tomorrow. It will be my first day of work at a new office, in a new environment with a bunch of young, energetic and money driven colleagues in a new company. I am feeling a mixture of emotions at present. I am scared but I am also excited about this new job. I am not sure if the environment matches my previous company but certainly, it is going to be different. To be honest, I truly felt comfortable in my previous company but the reason why I did not renew my contract was the monetary rewards. If only the monetary rewards are more significant, I would have continued. 

I have gotten everything ready. I have ironed my clothes, my bag is ready and all the documentations I need to bring are in the bag. The shoes are polished and the alarm set. I cannot believe that I am feeling like this all over again. I need to sleep by now but I know my eyes just won’t shut even if I lay myself in the bed. 

I have been chatting with Traveller today. She is my ex girlfriend. I just discovered that she has just lost her sister to cancer. It was pancreatic cancer to be exact. She was 38 when she breathed her last breath in December last year. I was shocked when she told me as I had met her sister many years back and she was quite a looker. She was young, hip and vibrant. I did not know what to say when she broke the news. It was very casual of her and I did not know how to react to the news really but I have to admit that I know how Traveller felt. I have been there and done that and so I know. We understand death for the first time when He puts his hand upon one whom we love. 

It is the same with Hello Kitty’s dad. I knew exactly what she felt and as much as I wanted to make things better for her, I knew she has to face the miseries or having to cope with the loss of her father. It will never be easy. Imagine this Diary, some people resort to suicide after being dumped by their lovers what’s more losing flesh and blood. It cannot be painless to cope. My brother passed on in 2004 and I am still missing him. I can still shed tears reminiscing about how he spent his last few days. Even now, tears are welling up in my eyes talking about this. Nothing can take the sadness away. There will always be streams of sorrows and memories about this event that has ripped the lives out of our loves ones. We can only sit and feel the heavy thud in our hearts and it is going to be something that is grueling to tell. Watching a peaceful death of a human being reminds us of a falling star; one of a million lights in a vast sky that flares up for a brief moment only to disappear into the endless night forever. 

 Traveler has always been nice to me. I left her many years ago and I am still surprised at how she is still able to utter those words to let me know the she still misses me. We know what happened between us and she knows me too well. The FaikaNur I used to be. I feel sorry for her and if I could just spread my wings and fly to her just to give her comforting words, I would. Although we hardly hang out while I was in Kuala Lumpur, Traveller was always there when I needed her. She is a good friend who never once ignored my texts or calls. Even how busy she was, my calls were always answered, my texts were always replied. She would make the time for me if I needed her. That character she has that makes her different than the rest who shamelessly confess love, care and friendship with me. Genuine, that is what she showed me. No need for 24/7 interaction online of offline or constant meeting ups for coffees or teas, just one phone call away and she was there. I somewhat feel her loss too and listening to her stories of how her sister died gave me the chance to make it up to her for all the wrongs that I have done to her.  

My silent prayers go to her and her family and to all the people I have known who have lost someone close. No matter how heartrending it is I pray we all accept that death may be the greatest of all human blessings because we know there is a better place other than earth and the memories we have of the faithful departed is the diary that we all carry about with us.

I Am Living In Reality Now

Dear Diary,

Sleepy. That is what I feel right now but I will not go to bed yet Diary. I want to write to you and tell you my bedtime stories before I call it a night. I just came back from late dinner and I was not so happy with what I had. We were supposed to have fish head curry with the pratas but the waiter only informed us that they were out of fish head curry after they served us with the pratas fifteen minutes later. All of our hopes were crushed and I was dumbfounded, as I had waited for the fish head curry to start my dinner. Dad was cool and I gave him that look. I was wondering how on earth anybody could be cool about it. I could not but I just could not be bothered about everything at that point of time so I let it go.  

How has 2012 been treating you so far? I hope all is good and may you have many blessed days to come for the whole year. My day was fine except that I cannot stop feeling sleepy. I guess I have to teach myself to be discipline once again. After three weeks of holiday, it is time for me to come back to work. I have told you I have gotten a new job haven’t I Diary. I can say that it is a much-awaited job. I will still be in the banking industry doing sales but a different kind of sales than my previous job. I am excited about this new job but at the same time, I am also afraid that I might be doing nothing but work and work and work. 

This job requires a lot of my time and most likely, I might be working 7 days a week. So you see Diary, there will not be plenty of leisure time for me. I figured it would be a good thing for me on the other hand as I can devout my time to work and avoid myself from getting distracted. The interviewer has told me that this is the job with unlimited income. How much I can earn has no ceiling but I have to give up my social life in order to do it. I listened, I heard and I digested what she said. 

I felt thankful for getting this job because I know the minute I left my old job; I have landed myself with this new job. There are no words I could use to describe how I feel. At least I know I will not be short of income. I honestly did not know how I landed myself into this job. During the interview, I was drilled for answers and there were two panels of interviewers. I almost wanted to give up but I knew I could not as since joining the banking industry, this particular bank has been the most talk about bank that offers a very generous commission structure and a base salary. Many have said, oh if you want to earn big money, you must work for this bank. That is all what I have heard of this bank and yes, I am grateful to be given a chance to join its sales force. 

I have shared this news with my mum however; she does not seem to be excited about it. Perhaps I was just the one who is being overly sensitive about things but you know I am a naturally sensitive person. At times, I wish I would have some kind of magic that could make this sensitive nature of mine go away. I know I cannot do that. I have been very careful with people nowadays. I put my feelings as my utmost priority. I stopped putting myself in dreamland and always pinch myself to make me come back to reality. I know what is mine and what is not and I have come to terms with the fact that I cannot make everything or everybody mine. Perhaps I can do that in dreamland but I am aware now that I am not living in one and I shall not make myself a victim to false hopes anymore. It hurts a bit to missing the things that I used to have but I must know where I stand. Whatever I am, there must be some pride in me that makes me different from the rest.

I have not stopped believing but I have stopped allowing myself to be too carried away with fantasies that I know are only one sided. Everytime I think of it, I get so ashamed of myself and most importantly hurt. Shame on me for being too honest and straightforward with my feelings that I have forgotten to protect myself from all the pain and hurt. I have learnt my mistakes Diary and I will not let it happen again. My mother, I am not sure what she feels about me having this job but I know what I want. I hope she blesses me with this new job because I need her blessings desperately so that I always have work for my hands to do, so my pockets hold always a coin or two, so the sun shines bright on my windowpane, so the rainbow be certain to follow each rain, so the hand of a friend always be near me and may Allah fills my heart with gladness to cheer her.

I have hopes in this new job because I know what I have been working on since the day I came back to Singapore has finally showed up shining some lights onto the path that was once dark. Yes, I may still be in phase one of my dreams and I have got myself lost in some fantasy love affairs but this road that I am taking now will someday bring me to my destiny. I have faith Diary, with or without love in realities or fantasies. May the sun shine, all day long, everything go right, and nothing wrong. May those I love bring love back to me, and may all the wishes I wish come true!

I Became A Witness...

Dear Diary,

This is the first entry I am writing for 2012 and I am finding it hard to write. It is probably because I have not written for quite sometime and perhaps I have lost it. I still want to tell you stories like how I have always done but I find it awkward nowadays. Pardon me Diary; I am sure it is not you but me. Many things happened and they are all good.

I became a witness to a near fatal accident in Tuas Checkpoint. A girl fell off from the motorcycle she was pillion riding with her boyfriend. I was going back to Singapore from a day’s out in Johor Bahru and while driving on the bridge linking Singapore and JB, these two motorcycles zoomed past us that caused me to be surprised at the speed they were riding. I could hear the roar of their engines and I knew it then that they were speeding. It was probably at 130 to a 150 kilometer per hour. 

I did not pay much attention to them as I figured that it is just natural for riders of big bikes to speed on a road like that and that was when I saw it. The pillion rider on the first bike fell off and rolled herself on the road. I was stunned and shocked. It was a narrow escape from death for her as there were no other cars behind that could knock her out of her life. 

Hello kitty and I stopped the car by the side and I came out of the car to have a closer look at her. I saw her got up and stumbled clumsily to the road divider and just stood there holding on to the metal railings. I crossed the road to get closer to her. The helmet she was wearing was still intact but the visor broke and I could not see her face. I did not know if she was bleeding from her face but I could see the impact of the fall. The flesh on her left knee was torn off and I could see the bone. Blood was flowing out of the cuts she had from both her badly bruised arms. Her shirt was torn, her body was bruised terribly and there were scars all over her hands, body, legs and feet. Her buttock was exposed because her jeans were ripped off and the flesh on her buttock was gone. Her bone was the only thing I saw and there were bits of flesh hanging by the skin. The toes on her feet showed her bones, they were bleeding and while she was there standing, blood was dripping from every one of her fingers. I was shaken by the sight I felt my hands were shivering. I stood by her side watching her and all I could do at that time was to wait for her boyfriend to come. 

He might not have noticed she fell off as he only stopped about 100 meters away. He and another rider on the other bike came running frantically towards us. I was looking at them but I also made sure I did not lose sight of her as she seems to be weaker and I was afraid that she might just collapsed on the road adding another possibility of being crushed by the fast moving cars that zoomed past us. I did not dare to hold her, as I knew every inch of her body was covered with bruises and a touch would be painful. Her boyfriend was in trauma when he got to us. He was crying and I knew it was a cry of regret. He probably regret for speeding. His friend was in a shock too and I knew it then that I had to intervene as she was losing so much blood from the fall she could slip into unconsciousness anytime. 

I told them we have to bring her to the hospital and I could help to ferry her across the causeway, as she was not fit to ride on a bike anymore. We exchanged phone numbers and I took her passport. They escorted me with their bikes and at that moment, I really felt like the most important person. *grins* hello kitty drove towards the customs clearance lanes and we were let in without having to queue. That strengthens my feeling of being the very important person and it was sure a good thing having to cross the causeway skipping the usual process.

We stopped at the side and many custom officers came to the car to look at the victim. They took my statements as Hello Kitty was too shock to say anything. She has a weakness for blood and with the victim’s condition; there is no need for much explanation of her loss for words. We waited for the ambulance and I can sense that that pain has just sunk in for the victim. She was in a state of pain and nothing else but pain. There was nothing much we can do, as there were no paramedics stationed at the immigration building. Blood stained the car seat and the officers advised us to get it washed and sterilized soon after we are able to leave.

The ambulance came about 15 minutes later and when they came, there was this commotion as the paramedics needed to know what happened. Her boyfriend seemed like he was in a worst condition than the victim herself so I was the one who had to explain. I became this storyteller out of a sudden and I felt good doing it. *grins* Her boyfriend really looked like one piece of human slouching against the wall sitting down with his face buried in his hands who seemed to have just received a death sentence. 

The victim was taken to the hospital and we were allowed to leave. I felt somewhat proud of Hello kitty as she was the one who wanted to help badly. I hesitated a bit initially as I knew what we would be getting ourselves into if we rendered help and the process can be tedious. I did not want to go through the process but at that point of time, I figured that we needed to help as there were no one else that stopped. I guess we needed to act as if what we do makes a difference.  It does and in about the same degree as we are helpful, we will be happy.

With this new year, I got myself a new job after the incident. I may not have the chance to open up my own business yet here, but I know this job promises me something more than my previous job. The road to success is always under construction and I know I am in the queue to be successful and to bring my fantasies to reality. It is just a matter of time. I am still in phase one Diary, but this time it is better. I am thankful and blessed. Let’s celebrate Diary….Happy New Year.