I Feel It Too...

Dear Diary,

I feel like a kid having to go back to school come tomorrow. It will be my first day of work at a new office, in a new environment with a bunch of young, energetic and money driven colleagues in a new company. I am feeling a mixture of emotions at present. I am scared but I am also excited about this new job. I am not sure if the environment matches my previous company but certainly, it is going to be different. To be honest, I truly felt comfortable in my previous company but the reason why I did not renew my contract was the monetary rewards. If only the monetary rewards are more significant, I would have continued. 

I have gotten everything ready. I have ironed my clothes, my bag is ready and all the documentations I need to bring are in the bag. The shoes are polished and the alarm set. I cannot believe that I am feeling like this all over again. I need to sleep by now but I know my eyes just won’t shut even if I lay myself in the bed. 

I have been chatting with Traveller today. She is my ex girlfriend. I just discovered that she has just lost her sister to cancer. It was pancreatic cancer to be exact. She was 38 when she breathed her last breath in December last year. I was shocked when she told me as I had met her sister many years back and she was quite a looker. She was young, hip and vibrant. I did not know what to say when she broke the news. It was very casual of her and I did not know how to react to the news really but I have to admit that I know how Traveller felt. I have been there and done that and so I know. We understand death for the first time when He puts his hand upon one whom we love. 

It is the same with Hello Kitty’s dad. I knew exactly what she felt and as much as I wanted to make things better for her, I knew she has to face the miseries or having to cope with the loss of her father. It will never be easy. Imagine this Diary, some people resort to suicide after being dumped by their lovers what’s more losing flesh and blood. It cannot be painless to cope. My brother passed on in 2004 and I am still missing him. I can still shed tears reminiscing about how he spent his last few days. Even now, tears are welling up in my eyes talking about this. Nothing can take the sadness away. There will always be streams of sorrows and memories about this event that has ripped the lives out of our loves ones. We can only sit and feel the heavy thud in our hearts and it is going to be something that is grueling to tell. Watching a peaceful death of a human being reminds us of a falling star; one of a million lights in a vast sky that flares up for a brief moment only to disappear into the endless night forever. 

 Traveler has always been nice to me. I left her many years ago and I am still surprised at how she is still able to utter those words to let me know the she still misses me. We know what happened between us and she knows me too well. The FaikaNur I used to be. I feel sorry for her and if I could just spread my wings and fly to her just to give her comforting words, I would. Although we hardly hang out while I was in Kuala Lumpur, Traveller was always there when I needed her. She is a good friend who never once ignored my texts or calls. Even how busy she was, my calls were always answered, my texts were always replied. She would make the time for me if I needed her. That character she has that makes her different than the rest who shamelessly confess love, care and friendship with me. Genuine, that is what she showed me. No need for 24/7 interaction online of offline or constant meeting ups for coffees or teas, just one phone call away and she was there. I somewhat feel her loss too and listening to her stories of how her sister died gave me the chance to make it up to her for all the wrongs that I have done to her.  

My silent prayers go to her and her family and to all the people I have known who have lost someone close. No matter how heartrending it is I pray we all accept that death may be the greatest of all human blessings because we know there is a better place other than earth and the memories we have of the faithful departed is the diary that we all carry about with us.