Get That Fighting Spirit Back

Dear Diary,

I wonder if you find it hard to breate sometimes because I do. Everytime when that happens, I feel like there is something heavy on my chest making it harder for me to inhale and exhale. I am not sure why but that happens to me always. I can inhale but the inhalation does not seem to suffice. Nevertheless, I am still breathing and I suppose I still have that to be thankful. 

I have been rude to Hello Kitty again and I know it has taken its toll on her so she shot back at me this time. I let it be because I thought I ought to have it. If you ask if I deserved Singapore capital punishment for doing that, I would say yes. Time and again, I find it hard to control my temper and often I snapped at her for the slightest and silliest mistake I thought she did. I feel lousy nowadays losing the spirit to live and to reach for my dreams. Shit happens and I let it got the better of me. 

Occassionally, I would think that I do not deserve any love from another human being given my attitude like that. I do not appreciate the people who love me and always take them for granted. I supposed that is really who I am. I know I have not been good to the people surrounding me and I have no excuses for that. Honestly, I really think I should be alone so I will stop hurting people or make them cry. I have broken too many hearts I have lost count already. I am trying to be a better person, I have tried and I think I tried too hard until I feel so helpless. 

How are you Diary? I hope you are not sick of my stories that are lace with miseries and depression. I am not sure of what is going on with me. Yes, I have felt that I have had enough of these dreams that I have had. It has always been these dreams that keep me going but I am beginning to lose hope and faith. I am starting to weaken on the inside and somehow lose my fighting spirit. I do not even know the answers to simple questions anymore.

I need to find myself back Diary. I need to do it quick.