Dear Diary,
I do not know how to begin. I feel so angry with myself, perhaps a little disappointed. I believe I have made a wrong decision again. Time after time, I have taught myself to get over it and I thought I did but I did not. It is just so difficult for me. I know what I want but I simply do not have the strength to go on. I am so tired most of the times. To be honest, to tell you the degree of disappointments I have to myself, it is like taking a dagger and stabs it into my heart repeatedly. That is how I feel right now.
Perhaps that is not enough, I could do with banging my head onto the wall until I break my skull so that the broken skull would pierce into my brain. I am so angry now and I do not know how to let go. I cannot talk about this frankly to anybody because I know people will just get sick and tired. Who wants to hear sad stories? All everyone is interested in is happy stories. I do not know how many times I have sighed for today and I know it is not a good thing to be doing. I know I am angry but I do not have the channel to let go.
I have only you. I have been keeping to myself lately. I am too ashamed to let you know. You have been there for me, I know but I have not been likewise. What the fuck am I doing now Diary? I should not have made that fucking decision but I did and now I have myself into trouble. All my life this is what I have been facing. All troubles but nothing. I fucking hate myself now. All the talks and all the efforts, they have just gone to waste. I fucking hate this so much! I hate everybody and I hate myself. Fuck fuck fuck!
I am so screwed now Diary. I really feel like giving up now. I do not know how to tell you anymore. I do not pray anymore. I am so angry about everything. I know I should not be feeling this way but I cannot help it. I have lost all hope and faith. I am tired, I really am. I am stressed and my brain simply cannot take it anymore. I have tried to do my best and stay optimistic but I failed again. How many failures do I have to have in my life? I can only take so much.
You will not know Diary. When your desire is stronger than your capability, it can make you insane slowly. I know I used to be the one-woman crusader. I was almost invincible. Nothing can hurt me and I do not regret anything. However, I have lost that spirit. It is the age maybe but I know I do not have it anymore. I wish I could have it back in me so I can shield myself from any disappointments or stress. No one will understand me. Sometimes, it hit me. I know now why did I have had so many girlfriends before. That explains why I have had so many jobs before. When I have it, I never feel contented. All I want is more without being thankful for what I already have.
I am fucking jobless now for a month and I have not gotten any offers yet. I have sent enough resumes but this time it seems harder to even get an interview appointment. I did not stay long in that dream job of mine because I hated my fucking manager so much. I hated everything about her and how she handled me. Perhaps my ego was too big for me to handle than her. Either way, I knew I would not last a month in that job. Things did not go my way Diary. I have this desire to come back to Subang Jaya but my heart just could not wait. I knew I have to wait and be patient about it but I cannot. I know it is I that I have to deal with. The problems have always been me. I have never been part of the solution instead; I have always been a part of the problems.
I am so sorry for myself. I tried to talk about this to people, but I know it will defeat the purpose. What can they do Diary? Even Hello Kitty seemed to be too occupied to console me. She made me promise not to change my job when I finally got myself a new job. I am not sure when will that be. It does not look good on my side. I have decided not to talk about it to her anymore. I guess there are some things that I simply have to keep them reserved.
I wonder what is it about me that makes her stay. Looking back at how I have treated her, everybody would agree that I am not girlfriend material. I am not worth it. I know that and I am assuming she knows that too. There are too many miseries and failures in my life. I have failed school, I have failed in business, I have failed in investments, I have failed in my career and I have failed in so many relationships. I am 35 this year and I do not know where I am going. I have failed my parents, I have failed myself, I have failed so many people who have loved me once and I probably have failed Him. Perhaps I am just born to be a failure. I am beginning to believe that. I am blunt spontaneously sometimes which people can mistake that as rude. Rolly Polly would agree with that. Even Traveller, Manhattan, Pumpkin, Dark Chocolate, Gummy Bear, Hippo, Flying Waitress, Pontianak, Broken Angel, Minah Rempit, BabyDee, Vogue, Little Sister, Infinity, Hello Kitty and perhaps Beautiful would agree too. I am not sure of Flying Babe, I do not know what she thinks of me now. I wish I knew but I do not. But really, it does not matter anymore now does it? It does not make a difference. I am nobody to anybody now. A dreamer will not change just like how a leopard cannot change its spots.
It saddened me to be talking like this about myself. Believe me Diary, if I could stay stronger I wouldn’t talk like this. I have to admit defeat this time. It was never easy for me to come back here. You know where my heart belongs. You know what my desires are. You know who I love. You know what I want to do. No one, no one knows me best but you. I was forced to come back and what do you expect me to feel Diary? I was not ready to come back, honest to God. It was always there that I want to be. Everybody knows that. I was all alone, even if I had friends, I still had to rely on myself. I am struggling then and I am still struggling now. I have failed so many times that I am beginning to feel so worthless. It is not easy for me. It has never been easy. Nobody would have understand, even how best I tried to explain. Therefore, it is not really worth the try of telling and explaining.
I do not know how I feel now but I still know what I want. People may have done their judgements on me or perhaps I have done the judgement on myself but I am still breathing Diary. I am still breathing and deep inside me, I know when I own my breath, nobody can steal my peace. I will learn how to smile once again, breathe with contentment and go slowly. What matters most is I never stop.
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