Saving For A Vacation With My Parents

Dear Diary,

 

I am in the office killing my time by writing to you discreetly. Of course I cannot be doing this as this is not part of my job scope. I have decided to go easy on my work and write to you instead. My attitude is so much different than when I was in the bank. Sales was everything to me. I did nothing but everything that I could to achieve my sales target. Well, things are different now here. I take my job easy and I do what I can to get a sale. I still don’t know what is going to be my plan. Am I going to open a food stall, drive a cab, get a new non sales job or continue my contract here. I am contemplating and I have not decided yet. What I do know now is I want to go for a holiday with my parents and I want to spend some time in Tangkak after I finish my contract.

 

I am planning for a Vietnam tour next year in March. I will be going with my parents. We are going to take a tour package and I have arranged for it already. I need to put aside some money for this tour. I will probably have to spend a thousand altogether. Mother is getting $600 from her company for this trip. The package probably cost us about USD 550 each inclusive of flight ticket. I have the money already but I am saving $100 every month to top up my savings. It hurts a bit to use up your savings but I know this is natural. It is just that I simply want to save as much as I could so my savings will not dry up. 

The road tax for my car is expiring end of May in 2014 and that would cost me about RM500 to renew the road with the insurance. I have to be financially prepared for all these. Although I have the money ready now but I still feel that I have a duty to save and top up my savings instead of simply using it. The savings are for my business plan. I know what I want and where I want to be in 4 years time. I am doing it for myself and my family. I am focus now. Whoever is waiting for me then, it is secondary. The primary thing is to get my plan executed and my ass back to where my heart is; Subang Jaya.  

 

I am a little bit worried about dad as we have to get into and out of a small sampan in one of the days of the tour. I wonder if his legs are strong enough to climb in and out of the sampan. The thing about my dad is he is mentally weak and can be quite demanding when it comes to travelling. I have mentally prepared myself too for the worst. It takes a lot of patience to bring my parents. Mother is one hot tempered old woman and my dad is one slow hard of hearing demanding old man. You have to shout at him in order for him to hear you. He is wearing hearing aid but he is lazy to switch it on sometimes and that resulted in you raising your voice. People who don’t know my family will think that we are one weird family but that is what it is all about and that makes us one family. 

 

I am already writing down the list of the things to bring for this trip. I cannot wait to use my camera. I bought the camera for my backpacking trip which I had planned with Hello Kitty in March 2014 but since we have broken up, this trip is a good replacement. I have yet to buy a tripod for the camera. I am thinking of bringing a foldable metal chair for my dad so it is easy for him to sit as and when he likes during the tour. Dad does not have strong legs anymore. He is overweight and he needs to sit now and then if he is walking. 

I pray to Allah that it will be easier for us. It looks like my big brother is not coming with us so I will be the one to take care of my parents while we are there. I just need to be patient with things and I wish mother is going to be considerate as well and mellow down with her temper. I hope she will leave the tiger in her behind in Singapore when we leave for Vietnam and may things be a smooth sailing for all of us.

I Am Still Bitter With Her

 Dear Diary,

 

I was supposed to tell you this long time ago but I have been lazy to write. The more convenient it is for me to write the more lazy I have become. I have an iPad, samsung Tab, laptop and a smart phone all equipped with internet access and yet I do not write. It is true what people say in my last entry, you will only appreciate what you have when you do not have them anymore. Going back to my story, during Ramadan I saw Infinity in Singapore. It was in Geylang Serai where it is the most happening place in Singapore during Ramadan. I was with a colleague window shopping and I noticed a woman came up to me and stood there smiling looking directly at me. I looked at her and it took me a few seconds until I could tell who she was. I swear I could not recognized her. She looked so different now. She has put on weight, her dressing was so off and she wore her hair differently when I saw her. If there is one word in Malay that I would describe her, it would be ‘Selekeh’.

 

Yes. Selekeh is the most appropriate word. Her jeans was over sized and she was wearing this baggy t-shirt with a pair of slippers with a sling bag over her shoulder. When I finally recognized her, I was surprised to see her there. I mean, she has no relatives here in Singapore, no business here so what was it that made her here. I walked up to her and I smiled back. I asked her and she smiled coyly at me and said she was meeting a friend. 

 

That is how she is and I hate her for that. Infinity is not at all feminine. She can answer simple questions so coyly you would think that she is just an attention seeker. I did not push her for answers and I did not press her for explanations. I figured that I do not deserve to know neither did she owe me any answers or explanations about her presence there. I smiled back at her and I said goodbye and walked away. It was a good 3 minutes encounter with an ex girlfriend. I did not even ask where was she staying and stuffs like that. I know I am still bitter with her. I may be over her but I still cannot forget what she has done to me. I probably will take my whole life forgetting it. 

This is the thing with me you know Diary. I can love a person like blood and I can hate a person like hell. I am hating her like hell now. And I know if she is in need of help at that time, I am not surprise if I can walk away from her without rendering any aid. I am not proud of myself. It is not right and it is bad but I cannot change myself. She hurt me like no other woman hurt me. That was the first time I have ever felt so hurt that I almost lose myself. I swear I heard voices in my head one night telling me to strangle her to death in the middle of the night. I was up one night and I looked at her sleeping on her side of the bed. I just sat there staring at her. I could have done it but I didn’t. I was thankful that my faith was stronger than love and I went back to sleep. It was not worth it. It came to a point where I was afraid of myself. I guess I made the right decision of moving out from there. The rest was history.

 

I did not feel sorry of what I did neither did I think about it. I did not mean to treat her like that. It was spontaneous and it was natural of me. I wish I could have treated her better but I must be true to  myself. Have you ever heard how people keep telling other people to be themselves? This is it Diary, I was simply being myself just like how she was being herself when she was courting another girl while we were living in the same house. I was being myself just like how she was being herself when she was sweet talking on the phone in our bed while I was beside her. I was being myself just like how she was being herself when she treated me as if I was invisible. So Diary, to compare what I did to her to the things she did to me when we were living under the same roof, she could have pass as wicked, heartless and cruel easily.

There I was alive, in the same house, in the same bed with her and she could just changed in a split second. So don’t blame me for being bitter. What she did to me was exactly what I did to Manhattan and yet Manhattan can accept me back as a friend. She even helped me when I needed  her help. That is why I have the most utmost respect for Manhattan because I swear I cannot do it. Infinity and I had a bitter break up. She did a lot of things to me that hurt me. I cannot accept her as a friend in my life, not yesterday, not today and not tomorrow.

My New Friend and My Insurance Policies

Dear Diary,

I am driving to Tangkak again this weekend and I am excited.  The excitement that I am feeling is probably because I will be driving. Driving long distance always makes me thrilled. Back then when I was living in Subang Jaya, I drove to Tangkak often alone. I would turned on the radio loudly and I would smoke occassionally. I enjoyed those moments although I was alone. This time, I cannot smoke neither can I turn the radio out loud as I will be with my parents. Nevertheless, it still makes me happy.

I did not plan this as my pocket money for November is almost zero but mom is free this weekend and she asked if I could drive them to Tangkak. I had my mind made up to work overtime this Saturday. I supposed I had to sacrifice for my parents again. I find it hard to decline their request. Declining their request makes me feel bad and lousy. As much as I want to make that extra bucks, I do not want to turn my parents down too. I read somewhere that we can always make money but we can never buy time. I could not agree more. The number of sacrifices I made for my parents are nothing compared to their sacrifices made for me.  I can never repay them because they gave me life.

I have a new friend Diary. She is from abroad and apparently her number has been in my contact list for as long as God knows. I was scrolling my list and I came upon her name. I text her and it all started from there. She is friendly and polite and I think we get along fine. I have made a couple of friends this way before. We have chatted before and exchanged numbers but we did not text nor call each other until only after I came across that unfamiliar name and I began texting. I don’t know why but it seems to me that I get along fine with Malaysians than fellow Singaporeans. Yes, I have more friends in Malaysia than in Singapore.

Biya is her name and she is younger than I am. I don’t know much about her let alone how she looks like. But I don’t really care as the agenda here is to make friends instead of girlfriends. Isn’t it right Diary? I have nothing in my mind right now except to know more people like me. Friendship is primary while love is secondary.  From my conversations with her I am assuming that we could probably end up as business partners one day. She was in small scale business before and she has a few business skills that I never had. She went for some courses in Tekun Nasional and yes, I am impressed. She does not speak English well though but who cares right? I have to admit that women who speak poor English never fail to turn me off but I have decided to fuck it because it does not matter anymore.

Did I tell you I have bought two new insurance policies Diary? I bought one from a friend in Malaysia and one in Singapore. It is a hospitalisation plan. I need one cos I don’t have any. The one in Malaysia is an endowment plan which gives me death benefit and 37 critical illnesses protection. I bought them because I thought the existing one I had has lapsed and it is inactive anymore. However, I decided to check with Prudential and apparently it is still active even though I have lapsed the payments for almost 4 years now. The original monthly premium is rm200 but after being lapsed, Prudential actually used my cash value in my policy to service my premium for the time I lapsed the payments. Therefore some of the benefits I was covered no longer exist in my policy like personal accident protection and hospitalisation coverage. The premium has been reduced too. 

Though the protection has been reduced, it is still good news to me as I have enough protection for myself now. I only need to upgrade my hospitalisation to a comprehensive one which covers outpatient cost as well and I feel I am good then. I am sure I will be alone when I am old cos it sure looks like I am not getting married, well to a man at least. I just want to make sure I have enough cash and protection for my retirement. If nobody is going to take care of myself, I supposed I have to do it myself.

Keeping My Options Open To Make A Living

Dear Diary,

 

My savings is growing and I am proud of myself. If I had known how easy it is for me to save, I would have started saving the minute I came back to Singapore. I did not think of it at that time. All I was thinking was to get money quickly for me to start my own business.

 

I was impatient and I couldn’t wait. I ended up in the real estate industry struggling to make ends meet when I could have spent my time working a decent job with a basic salary. How ignorant I was at that time. I am pissed at myself for not realizing reality quickly then but it is okay Diary, experience is the teacher of fools. Yes, I sadly admit that I was the fool at that time. Now that I have enough money to start the stall, I am having second thoughts about it. Can you believe me Diary? I am not sure what has gotten into me but I think I am at my comfort zone now.

 

Although I do not enjoy my job scope, I have to admit I enjoy getting paid. I do not have to worry about paying rent for the stall, salaries for the staffs, paying bills for utilities and so on and on. The list can be endless. Yes, I may be my own boss once I have the business running but it is not going to be that easy to sustain it. We all know that. Anyway the plan is to start the business in Kuala Lumpur in four years time. 2017, that’s the year I am looking forward to. However, I still hope to have a business here in Singapore too. Imagine this Diary, living in Kuala Lumpur and having an income in SGD. Isn’t that great? The exchange rate is superb now. Well I can have two incomes from two different countries can’t I? That’s the plan actually.

 

My contract with the current company ends in March 2014. I am still toying with the idea of changing job. I don’t know yet. Driving a taxi is one of the options. Can you imagine me driving a taxi? Well...I mean, I am a little shy about it. Well you know me Diary. I am naturally shy but I love driving. Of course I am not as skillful as Hamilton but I can drive like how I can work. The only concern that I have now is knowing how to get to the destinations. *chuckles* I am just afraid that I might end up somewhere far from the actual destination. Anyway I can always make use of GPS.

 

With advance technologies nowadays, you can be dependent on machines and technologies if you want to. I suppose if I am really going to give up my job, I would opt driving a taxi to make a living. It is equivalent to running your own food stall in the sense that you are your own boss. The good thing is, you can be alone to make a living out of it unlike running a stall where you need staffs to help you run operationally. You can earn slightly more driving a taxi than having a stall. I have done my research and yes it is possible. Oh well…I have not decided yet. I have to  make a decision soon and I hope it is a good one cos frankly, I have lost my steam with this job already. I am surviving for as long as I am required until I complete my contract.

 

Another option I have is to ask for a transfer at other departments. You see Diary, this company I am working for is a telco giant in Singapore. It has networks and businesses overseas. We are the leading telco here, therefore there are many opportunities to grow and the prospects are good. I hope I can be transferred doing any backend job. I think I will stay in the job until the time I have enough money to move to Kuala Lumpur. Oh Diary, it is hard to decide. I can say that I am comfortable with this company but it is sad to say I am not happy with my department. Well, never mind at least this job gives me the opportunity to earn and save money. I just wish I can coach myself to like my job. 

I Became A Zombie

Dear Diary,

 

                     It has been a few weeks of active days for me. The company I worked for has lots of programmes and activities llined up for us. I participated in the Race The Dead event in Sentosa last two weekends and yes it was fun. I enjoyed it very much. It has been a long time since I have had so much fun. I was a zombie and I had to chase the runners and get the flags from them. Some of them put up a fight while some simply surrender willingly. I supposed they are too tired already. 

The runners started with two flags and have to run a 5km race and the zombies are stationed along the 5km track. The zombies will stop the runners from reaching the finishing line with both flags. Zombies will try their best to pull off the flags from the runners. I got a total of 54 flags. That is really not bad for a 36 year old woman zombie who has not been working out for ages now. I have been lazy for as long as I can remember. I have not been jogging and working out in the gym. Although I have free access to my company’s gym, I prefer to go straight home after work. 

I supposed this is the thing with humans. We do not appreciate what we have while we have it. It takes the loss of what we have to make us appreciate what we have. It is ironic but that is the reality. I came 3 hours earlier as we had to get our make up done. We were advised to wear something that we do not want to wear anymore. My make up artist was quiet. She asked me if she can dirty and tear my t-shirt. She tore my shirt, she messed my hair and my face. Everybody said I looked like a real zombie. I took a picture of myself and showed it to my mother. She said it looked real. Nothing fancy about my make up. I did not have my eye balls popped out or a part of my brain was visible but the make up artist did her best to make me look like a zombie. 

I sent my picture to Flying Babe and she seemed afraid of it. She said that she has this fear with zombies because zombies are not like ghosts. Humans can shield off ghost by praying and reciting versus of the Quran while zombies are just not going to be afraid of holy words. She makes sense but it is funny and cute of her. I did not chat long with her. It is always like that nowadays. If there is a time where I will chat with her, it will simply be a short one. Things are different now and I supposed we know it. Even if I want to take this friendship one step further, I would have to think of the distances and how soon and true I will make it back to Subang Jaya. These are facts and the truths. I cannot brush them away. I don’t want to live in fantasies anymore. 

Oh Diary, whatever it is, I am sure I am happy now. I am single but I am happy. I hate my job  but I have a job that can give me the chance to make enough for my family and I. I have friends that I can chat and hang out with and I have money now. I don’t have a lot of money but I have enough to make me feel contented. Looking back, after all those years, how far I have came; I can truly say it now I am happy. I have broken up with Hello Kitty but that did not make me a sad woman. Of course  there are times where I would miss her company but believe me Diary, that is all I ever miss. 

I guess love  does not exists for her. I don’t want to make the same mistakes again. I know how weak I can get with women. Regardless of my true feelings, I can declare steady with a woman so easily and dump her the next week or even day. I think I know my weaknesses now. It is woman, it has always been. I am impulsive with woman. I guess I am safe where I am now. As long as I tell myself I am happy the way I am now, I guess I will be fine. I do not want to be with a woman whom I do not love and feel all bad and pressured to love her back. My focus now is to achieve my goals and live happy with or without my other half.