I Am Still Bitter With Her

 Dear Diary,

 

I was supposed to tell you this long time ago but I have been lazy to write. The more convenient it is for me to write the more lazy I have become. I have an iPad, samsung Tab, laptop and a smart phone all equipped with internet access and yet I do not write. It is true what people say in my last entry, you will only appreciate what you have when you do not have them anymore. Going back to my story, during Ramadan I saw Infinity in Singapore. It was in Geylang Serai where it is the most happening place in Singapore during Ramadan. I was with a colleague window shopping and I noticed a woman came up to me and stood there smiling looking directly at me. I looked at her and it took me a few seconds until I could tell who she was. I swear I could not recognized her. She looked so different now. She has put on weight, her dressing was so off and she wore her hair differently when I saw her. If there is one word in Malay that I would describe her, it would be ‘Selekeh’.

 

Yes. Selekeh is the most appropriate word. Her jeans was over sized and she was wearing this baggy t-shirt with a pair of slippers with a sling bag over her shoulder. When I finally recognized her, I was surprised to see her there. I mean, she has no relatives here in Singapore, no business here so what was it that made her here. I walked up to her and I smiled back. I asked her and she smiled coyly at me and said she was meeting a friend. 

 

That is how she is and I hate her for that. Infinity is not at all feminine. She can answer simple questions so coyly you would think that she is just an attention seeker. I did not push her for answers and I did not press her for explanations. I figured that I do not deserve to know neither did she owe me any answers or explanations about her presence there. I smiled back at her and I said goodbye and walked away. It was a good 3 minutes encounter with an ex girlfriend. I did not even ask where was she staying and stuffs like that. I know I am still bitter with her. I may be over her but I still cannot forget what she has done to me. I probably will take my whole life forgetting it. 

This is the thing with me you know Diary. I can love a person like blood and I can hate a person like hell. I am hating her like hell now. And I know if she is in need of help at that time, I am not surprise if I can walk away from her without rendering any aid. I am not proud of myself. It is not right and it is bad but I cannot change myself. She hurt me like no other woman hurt me. That was the first time I have ever felt so hurt that I almost lose myself. I swear I heard voices in my head one night telling me to strangle her to death in the middle of the night. I was up one night and I looked at her sleeping on her side of the bed. I just sat there staring at her. I could have done it but I didn’t. I was thankful that my faith was stronger than love and I went back to sleep. It was not worth it. It came to a point where I was afraid of myself. I guess I made the right decision of moving out from there. The rest was history.

 

I did not feel sorry of what I did neither did I think about it. I did not mean to treat her like that. It was spontaneous and it was natural of me. I wish I could have treated her better but I must be true to  myself. Have you ever heard how people keep telling other people to be themselves? This is it Diary, I was simply being myself just like how she was being herself when she was courting another girl while we were living in the same house. I was being myself just like how she was being herself when she was sweet talking on the phone in our bed while I was beside her. I was being myself just like how she was being herself when she treated me as if I was invisible. So Diary, to compare what I did to her to the things she did to me when we were living under the same roof, she could have pass as wicked, heartless and cruel easily.

There I was alive, in the same house, in the same bed with her and she could just changed in a split second. So don’t blame me for being bitter. What she did to me was exactly what I did to Manhattan and yet Manhattan can accept me back as a friend. She even helped me when I needed  her help. That is why I have the most utmost respect for Manhattan because I swear I cannot do it. Infinity and I had a bitter break up. She did a lot of things to me that hurt me. I cannot accept her as a friend in my life, not yesterday, not today and not tomorrow.