What I Feel About Leaving

Dear Diary,

I finally tendered and I have served my notice. 18th of June was my last day. I am sad because I know I am leaving a job that I like. Yes, after so many jobs that I have done, I know this is what I want to do; logistic. It was difficult in the beggining but I got over it. I became good at it although I was not yet skillful. I served my clients as best as I could. Learnt everything as quickly as I could. Took down notes diligently. It was not easy. I swear. 

I had dreams about work. I think about work during weekends and I became worrysome. I worry about it every minute. It affects my mood at home. I became very bad tempered and I snap at my parents over the slightest mistakes. That was what I had become. Situations can get tense because everything I had to do came with deadlines. It was tough and can be very time consuming when you are stuck at certain phase of the order processing. I had to use lots of excel. I had to apply lots of formulas into the excel sheets. The process to create an order can be tedious for some customers. I got very frustrated over it. It was not an easy sailing. 

I had to manage 3 accounts and all the orders from all the 3 accounts can come simultaneously. Imagine my workload. Comprehend my stress. Feel my pressures. I did 72 hours of overtime last month. I got mentally drained and emotionally exhausted. It was my second month. I had to do many things. Some customers can be demanding and make lots of ad hoc requests adding more to my already existing many workloads. As if that was not enough. I had to do month end billing. So there you go...one after another of the things I had to learn and absorb. I finally have had enough of it all. I was pretty sure it has taken its toll on me. I gave 24 hours notice and now I am regretting it. I wish I could turn back the time. I wish I could have had more patience with things. I wish I did not make the decision based on impulse. It is too late for me now and I am too ashamed to tell them I wanted back in. 

I have never felt like this before. Most of the jobs that I have left, I did it happily but not this one. I knew it then that this is the job I like to do. Ever since I came back to Singapore, I have been changing jobs too frequently. Too frequent until I can be considered as a job hopper. When I have finally found something that I like to do, my impulse took the better of me. *sigh* If only I could explain to you how regretful I am for leaving the company. I cannot retract my resignation. They have found a replacement. I was assigned to train her. My 24 hours notice was retracted and it became 2 weeks notice. My leader seek my understanding to come back to serve 2 weeks as she needed my presence to train my replacement. I came back. I trained my replacement and only then I realised how much I have learnt overtime until I could passed down my knowledge to her. 

I taught her almost everything I knew. Whatever that she needed to learn I taught her. The training was squeezed into 2 weeks and I swear I knew it was impossible for her to absorb. How can a person possibly remember everything in 2 weeks? Apart of me was glad that I was leaving but another part of me was sad. I knew I was improving but that was never acknowledged by my superiors. All I heard was how I was slow in processing the orders and how I was a "ganjiong spider". You know what that means Diary? It is a Singapore slang for being easily panick. I was a little offended. 

There I was, trying my best to fulfill all the orders. No matter how stressful it was, I still came to work. I worked until late at night just so I could catch up with my work. For the 2 months I was there, I was never late. Not once have I been absent or on sick leave. I started work at 830am and I usually ended at 930pm on the average. There was once I left office at 1220am just so I could finished my billing reports. I barely worked there for less than a month and my mentor had to be on course for 3 days continously and the week after that, she was gone for 4 days for a holiday in Bangkok. I still came regardless. I still braved myself for whatever that came. There I was alone on my own with little or no help at all. 

Now Diary, do you think I deserve that kind of associations? Slow and a ganjiong spider. People should learn to appreciate other people but it is sad that people only remember other people's weaknesses than strengths. My replacement was on the verge of giving up when I was there serving my 2 weeks notice. I did not know how she was going to cope after I am gone. I do not wish to know. I do not think I need to know. I am still sad about what happened. I still think I should not have left. I like this job very much and I have gotten the hang of it. But I am also afraid to stay. 

There are many things that is on my mind about this job. One thing for certain is I do like this job and I enjoy coming to work everyday. There was not a single day where I dragged myself to work despite all the hardships I have faced. I expected at least some recognitions but that did not come. When I was training my replacement, I felt a little bit upset knowing that I will be gone soon and I am no longer needed. But how can I feel like that when that was what I wanted. You get what I mean Diary? I asked for it and I got what I wanted and I should not feel this way but I did. Sad. No, I must not feel sad. I should be happy. There were times when I hope that I would simply disappear from the face of the earth just so I could escape from all the paperwork. If I have felt that way, why must I be feeling sad to leave? 

There were a couple of times my leader tried to talk to me to stay. I did not really engaged myself in the conversation. All I was thinking, they already got a replacement. How can I stay? Ironically, my replacement was a temporary staff and apparently she was somewhat tricked into having this job. She came in thinking that she was going to do administration job not knowing that she was going to do my job to replace me. They told her she would be converted to a permanent staff depending on her performance. My manager told her that she would be replacing an ex staff who have left. That ex staff was forgetful and a little bit of a blur bloke. She took down the notes but she did not know what she had taken down. That was what my replacement told me. I somewhat felt that was me. Who else could it be. I knew it then that all my efforts were not recognized. Sad. 

 I still do not have a job waiting. And I still do not know if this is the right decision. I am tired of myself. Sometimes I hate myself for being too carefree, too stubborn and too sensitive. I cannot help it. I wish I would be more insensitive towards my surroundings. I wish my heart would be as cold as ice so I will not be easily affected. I wish Diary....I wish. If I could do a miracle, I would change my personality because being a sensitive person can be exhausting. I am in Tangkak now. Been here since Friday. I have always felt so peaceful here. No worries, no stress and no tensions. Tangkak is my sanctuary. It is the place where I seek for serenity and tranquility. But I know I cannot be here forever. There are things I need to do in Singapore. I have commitments to attend to. 

Well...Diary, I wish I do not have to feel this way. I am tired of myself actually. Why do I always have to do this?