12th Year Death Anniversary

Dear Diary,

Today marks the 12^th year death anniversary of my late brother. I have always missed him. I miss the times when I could joke with him about almost anything and everything. I have to admit that I was much closer to him than my eldest brother was. The longer he has left us, the more that I miss him. I imagine what it would be like if he were still alive. He is probably married with children and living in KL most likely because his girlfriend was Malaysian. Did I tell you that his girlfriend passed on earlier than he did because of asthma? A few years later, my brother left us for brain cancer. My family never talked about his death after he left us. We never did and I like it to be that way because if we ever did, I certainly would break down and cry. I have always missed him, always will and always have. I guessed when my brother died I understand death for the first time because that is when He puts his hand upon one whom I love.

Hang Tuah has left us too. Do you remember him Diary? We bought Hang Tuah after my brother passed on and now he is dead because of cancer too. Cancer has killed two living things I have loved the most. He left us during Ramadan. I woke up for sahur and mother told me Hang Tuah is dead. He lied in his sleeping position in his makeshift bed. He had been sick and he refused to neither eat nor drink. He simply lost his appetite. He became weak and could not walk even for a short distance. His legs were wobbly and you could see how he had to struggle to walk for that short distance to go to his favourite spot just to sit. My heart cried for him. He peed wherever he was because he was too weak to walk to his litter box from where he was. His lower body smelled of urine. 

I did not care about that, because all I knew he was the one who healed my heart when I missed my late brother the most. I still held him close and told him that I love him. If only he understood the human language. The night before he died, I went to him and stroked his head gently telling him that he has to eat and drink to live but deep down inside my heart, I prayed to God to take him away peacefully because I could not bear to see him suffering like that. Death is a sad thing that could happen to anyone. Death brings sadness and tears to us. We all will experience it someday. I am not sure if I am ready for any more deaths in the family. I am still healing from things and I do not know if I can take more. My heart is tired, just so tired. I know that there is nothing certain in a man's life except this: That he must lose it. Then I supposed falling in love is a waste of time too.