The Cranberries- Linger lyrics

Cinta Tidak Pernah Disedari Sehingga Saat Perpisahan

Assalamualaikum Diary,

Hari ini aku penat berkerja. Penat sekali sehingga terasa kaki sakit menampung beratnya tanggungjawab berkerja demi untuk mencapai cita-cita. Harap harap kau sihat walafiat Diary. Rindu untuk menulis kepada kau selalu aku rasa tetapi sayangnya masa bukan lagi senang untuk aku miliki. Aku penat bila pulang dari kerja dan minda aku pun tidak boleh berfungsi dengan baik bila penat. Banyak sekali cerita hendak dikongsi sama kau, tapi sungguh kepenatan yang melanda badan dan otak aku mengawal keadaan diri aku sekarang ini. Macam macam yang aku sedang fikirkan untuk kedai yang bakal dibuka. Semuanya di minda sahaja, tidak sempat mencatat di dalam business plan aku.

Hari ini juga aku mendapat email di facebook dari kekasih lama, Infinity. Bukan pertama kali, pernah dia menghantar email kepadaku beberapa kali cuma aku sahaja yang tidak membalas. Bukan sombong tetapi aku cuma mungkin 'malas' untuk membalas. Ya, memang sudah tidak ada rasa kasih sayang kepadanya tetapi itu bukanlah satu alasan untuk aku mendiamkan diri. Entah, mungkin aku masih menyimpan perasaan benci terhadapnya. Ya mungkin itulah yang apa aku rasa sebab tiap kali disebut namanya, aku seolah olah dibawa ke waktu silam yang mengingatkan aku pada waktu dia melayan aku begitu endah tak endah. Yelah, masa itu kan dia sudah ada teman baru, jadi teman lama begitu mudah dia abaikan ataupun lupakan. Things are hot when they are new.

Zalim dan tidak berperasaan. Itu sahajalah yang boleh aku gambarkan bagaimana dia melayan aku sewaktu the last weeks of our relationship. Aku terkontang kanting bagaikan anak anjing kehilangan ibunya. Ya, kisah silam tetapi dia muncul kembali menyatakan dalam emailnya yang dia sebenarnya telah dipergunakan oleh seseorang itu untuk kepentingan si simpulan itu. Kononnya, dia seperti tidak sedarkan diri atau pun di sihir dan mengikut sahaja kehendak si simpulan itu dan secara langsung melupakan dan mengabaikan aku. Aku membalas emailnya setelah 7 jam kemudian. Aku tidak memberi comment apa apa tentang pendirian dia, tetapi aku cuma mengatakan bahawa aku sudah memaafkan dia pada saat aku tinggalkan rumah yang kita kongsi. Sudah 4 tahun berlalu, mana mungkin aku masih ada perasaan sayang atau kasih padanya.

Dia ingin menceritakan sesuatu kepadaku. Seolah olah mahu aku percaya bahawa tindakan dia terhadap aku masa itu bukan kehendak dirinya tetapi atas ilmu hitam yang kononnya digunakan ke atasnya. Dia berkali kali berkata yang semua itu diluar kawalannya. Dirinya telah dipergunakan. Bukan aku tidak boleh percaya dan bukan aku tidak mahu memberi peluang kepadanya untuk bercerita. Memang dari kecil aku dibesarkan secara rational and berlandaskan kepercayaan Islam yang asas. Keluarga aku memang tidak mudah percaya kepada benda benda tahyul. Kalau sakit, kita akan dibawa berjumpa doctor dan bukan bomoh. Kalau terasa atau terdengar sesuatu, kita akan berfikir secara logic dan bukan menyangka yang bukan bukan seperti tempat itu berhantu. Itulah cara aku dibesarkan. Tidak ada komplikasi kepada benda yang mudah.

Memang benar benda halus dan ilmu hitam wujud di mana mana dan memang ada orang yang mempraktikkannya tetapi aku dibesarkan dengan kepercayaan yang utuh ya itu, segala perkara baik atau buruk, semuanya terjadi dengan izin Allah. Jikalau tidak ada keizinan dari Allah untuk perkara buruk atau baik itu berlaku, maka tidak akan berlakulah semua. Kalau kita berjumpa bomoh, dan meminta sesuatu daripadanya, dan benda itu terjadi...mungkin sesetengah orang akan percaya kehebatan bomoh itu dan lupa bahawa Allah yang mengizinkan benda itu terjadi maka terjadilah ia. Syirik dan munafik. Aku bukan golongan itu. Sembahyang aku tidak sempurna, puasa aku tidak pernah cukup sebulan di Ramadan dan aku tidak berhijab tetapi aku tahu Allah Tuhanku dan Nabi Muhammad saw adalah pesuruhnya. Bukan aku tidak percaya pada benda halus ini tetapi aku cuma menjaga akidah aku.

Infinity dibesarkan cara berlainan. Dia keturunan jawa dan memang percaya pada benda benda sebegini. Kalau sakit dijumpanya bomoh, kalau mahu perniagaan bagus, dijumpanya bomoh. Semuanya bomoh yang dia percaya. Mujur masa bersamanya aku tidak mudah terpengaruh dengan cara dia. Dan sekarang dia mahu explain ataupun clarify dengan aku bahawa apa yang berlaku antara kita 4 tahun lalu bukan salah dia dan salah....ilmu hitam? Dia sudah pergi 'berubat' katanya...dan setelah hampir setahun dia 'berubat' baru dia sedar. Dia meminta maaf dari aku dan mengaku yang dia telah membuat banyak kesilapan.

Aku tidak berdendam tetapi aku masih ada sedikit perasaan menyampah dengan sikapnya yang mudah sangat terpengaruh dengan keadaan sekeliling. Seingat aku, akulah yang banyak mengalah dalam perhubungan kita. Kalau tidak disihir pun, aku rasa dia memang lebih pentingkan diri sendiri. Semuanya harus senang untuk dia. Pakciknya seorang bomoh katanya memberitahu bahawa aku mempunyai hati yang hitam dan rakan kongsi businessnya berkata yang aku akan membawa sial dalam hidupnya jika dia tidak meninggalkan aku. Jadi, setelah 4 tahun kalau dia ingin menebus kesilapannya kepada aku hanya dengan alasan disihir atau di ilmu hitam atau putih, semestinya aku menyampah dan muak. Kalau memang betul pun kata katanya, ya, mungkin, tetapi apa yang aku boleh buat sekarang? Masa sudah berlalu, everybody and everything have moved on. Aku pun sudah memaafkan dia. Sudah diberitahu kepada dia, dan selepas itu dia menghantar lagi email, kononnya mahu berjumpa dengan aku for the last time. Oh Dear God...aku pun sememangnya geli dengan kata kata seperti itu lalu aku nasihatkannya tidak perlu to get all emotional about this. Perkara lama, biarkan sahaja ia berlalu.

Memang apa yang berlaku diantara aku dan dia sudah lama berlalu. Kita tidak pernah bertemu selepas berpisah. Masing masing membawa haluan sendiri seperti strangers. Dia cuba beberapa kali untuk berkawan tetapi aku yang mendiamkan diri. Mungkin aku masih perlukan masa membaiki hati, menguatkan semangat dan berjalan terus tanpa menoleh ke belakang. Aku mengaku bahawa pada saat saat aku keluar dari rumah itu, memang terasa sayang pada dia. Selama bersama tidak terasa cinta mungkin sebab aku tahu aku memilikinya setiap saat. Bangun dari tidur, akan ku lihat wajahnya kerana aku tahu dia akan bersamaku pada waktu aku membuka mata dari tidur. Tiba waktu aku tinggalkan dia dan juga rumah yang kami kongsi, terdetik di hati yang mengejutkan dari hayalan bahawa aku hanya menyayangi dia dan tidak mungkin lagi aku berpeluang berbuat demikian lagi. Ternyata dan terbukti sudah, Infinity tidak mengajar aku untuk bercinta...

Hanya dengan seorang sahaja yang aku rasakan cinta dan kini dia pun diam bertemankan sepi. Hanya dia yang mengajar aku apa itu cinta dan memang aku rasakan di saat perpisahan kami...semoga engkau juga merasakan apa yang pernah aku rasa bersama kau...

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I Knew It Since I was Five

Dear Diary,

I am a happy woman lately. I am saying this because mother and I have begun talking to each other again. Although that is the main reason, there are other reasons too such as I am a little financially sound than before therefore, I am visualising myself running my very own food stall soon. In addition, things at work are looking good for me. Even though I have a leader who practices favouratism, I managed to escape from being her victim.

I am planning carefully for this first phase of getting the business to start. Firstly, I must be financially sound. I must have enough otherwise; it will all defeat the purpose. I must not rush things and I must make sure I secure a good if not the best location for the stall. The menu is planned, the work systems have been drafted and all I need to do is to wait for the time to execute it.

My family and I are planning for a road trip to Thailand or Langkawi. It will be an immediate family affair no relatives or friends. Perhaps it is time for family bonding. I have been working so hard to save for the stall that I barely manage to see my parents at home. I leave home early in the morning and I come home late. It is good that we are going for this trip, as I really need this break.

I have learnt new things at work and I have more responsibilities now. I have learnt how to do gifting for online orders and cargoes release. To sum it up, I have known all the things that I need to do in the department I am in. I am not very good at it all but I have never done any major mistakes that can jeopardise my appraisal. You can say that I am proud of myself. I have never worked in a warehouse before but I am thrill to say that I learn what I need to learn fast and this add up to my existing working experience. I guess it is good for me in a way or two, as I want to end up being my own boss and running my own company. I certainly need a little bit of knowledge of this and that. At least now, I know how to store my stocks and keep a record of my inventories the most efficient way.    

Looking back, I have quite a variety of working experiences. My first job was with Kentucky Fried Chicken (KFC) where I worked for only two weeks. I was 14 years old and it was during school vacation. I had to learn how to fry the chicken, the fries, made the burgers, whipped potatoes and many more. I am chuckling to myself now reminiscing at the old times. When I was with KFC, I was so unfriendly and socially awkward. I never talked to anybody and I never asked for clear instructions when I came across things I did not know. I supposed I was too shy back then. Well, who could have blamed me because I am naturally shy. My shyness portrayed me as stuck up to some and I swear I was not the favourite among the newbies. I could not care less because I did not feel comfortable there and I could not wait for my shift to end everytime I started work.

The second job I had is with the popular convenience store 7-11. I was 15 years old and it is during school vacation. I worked on weekends doing cashiering job. From there I knew how much sales a convenient store like 7-11 could make in a day. It is no wonder that in Islam, it is said having a business gives you 9 out of 10 ‘rezeki’. I have learnt a lot from working there especially how a staff can do something that is against the law. You can never trust anyone so easily be it in an organisation or outside your organisation. In business, you must hire someone who is smarter than you are but you must not trust anyone more than you trust yourself. If money is not stolen than stocks in the store are the alternatives. I guess this is the business risk of having a convenient store or any other shops.

My third, fourth and fifth jobs are mostly in the food and beverage industry. I have worked in cafes, restaurants and even discos. There are too many to tell. Most of them are all part time employment. I supposed that is where I got my knowledge and skills to run my own food and drink stalls when I was living in Subang jaya. Experience really is the teacher of fools. Nevertheless, I still think that experience does not suffice without common and business sense and most importantly, passion. When you have the skills and expertise, you mix them with your passion and you can make magic. Of course, not all business ventures will be successful. My next few official working experiences come from the customer service and sales. A role in the customer service department tells me the importance of satisfying a customer despite how much they spend for the company. Every customer can be so valuable to a company.

I never really stick to one job for long. I cannot say that I job hop but I changed job quite frequently. The longest job I have had was with a Japanese company as a typographic designer. I self taught myself to use the software. The salary was lucrative and I got plenty of bonuses. My boss liked me very much. I supposed the Japanese favours an employee who put punctuality and discipline first. This is also the last job I had in Singapore before I moved to Subang Jaya. All those job experiences; they taught me things I never could have learnt in college or universities. They taught me about life. It is odd after all those jobs, I still envision myself having my own company being my own boss. I said I wanted to be a boss when I was five. I supposed I knew what I wanted to be since I was five and nothing will ever change that.

I am on my way now Diary to pursue and chase down that passion like it is the last bus of the night. I am going to do it with or without love. 

My New TV and Eidiladha in Tangkak

Dear Diary, 

I bought a new television a month ago and my room has not been quiet ever since. I now have more entertainment and things to do in my room. The last time when my old television was broken, I only had my laptop and iPad as a friend. It sure feels good to have a television back in the room. It adds more spice and flavour. But then again, I have been going to bed late and I often dozed off while the television is on. I guess it is true what the experts say about bedrooms; avoid having a television in bedrooms as it can cause one to turn in late and this will eventually makes one lacking in sleep. I would like to heed that advice however I never want to take my bedroom as literally a bedroom. My bedroom is also my sanctuary at home; a place where I escape from family dramas if there is ever any.

I could put off the idea of buying the new television but I have to admit that I am a little financially sound than before and so I thought I would indulge. I have set aside some money to save for the business and soon I know I will have enough to start it. I had come up with a brilliant idea on how to boost my savings. I am not sure how it will work but it will definitely speed up the waiting period. I have been looking out for any stalls up for rent in the newspaper religiously. I am excited as I know my dreams will come true eventually however, I am a little nervous about it all. I am afraid of failing again. I cannot help but to feel that way.

I suppose I have failed many times to the extent I think failures have become my flesh and blood. As much as I am happy and all pumped up to start the business, I am still remembering my past failures. I have asked myself will it work this time or will it just be the same like the old times. I do not know but deep down inside my heart, I hope and wish that it would be a success because if I fail again this time, I am not sure if I am able to move on from there.  I read somewhere that failure is an event, never a person and there is no failure except in no longer trying but I know those are all motivational talk to brainwash you. I am ready for it but I am afraid of the reality. Am I contradicting myself now? I hope not but I promise you, I will make it work.  

Mother and I have talked a bit in Tangkak during Eidiladha but it just stopped there. I did not know what happened but I thought all was good when we were there. We did not really have long conversations but we did talk. There were many relatives there, the house was crowded with people, and we are the host of the event and the property owner. Perhaps communicating with each other was necessary there. My aunties cooked therefore, the food and drinks need to be served. In this kind of family thing, the host plays the most important role.

There were hiccups here and there but everything was great. I got a little irritated and dissapointed with some of the relatives. I guess in events like this we get to see people’s real colour and character. Who is the laziest, penny-pinching, generous, annoying or the hardworking person? It somewhat makes me agree that our most basic instinct is not for survival but for family.  Most of us would give our own life for the survival of a family member, yet we lead our daily life too often as if we take our family for granted. Some of them contributed in kind, some contributed monetarily while some simply could not be bothered.

Since the completion of the house in Tangkak, we have been hosting this ‘kurban’ event yearly. It has become a family tradition that almost everybody look forward to attend. I suppose people look forward for the togetherness this event can bring instead of the ‘kurban’ alone. It has become compulsory to buy fireworks and firecrackers when we are there. We spend thousands of Ringgit for them. We buy them discreetly of course. It is amazing how we managed to get these banned items there.

It is fun, colourful and joyful to see how everybody is so happy there. The fireworks we had are a little similar to Singapore’s national day celebration only that they are smaller and shorter in the sky. It was enough to bring smiles and laughter to everyone’s faces and enough to make my mother and I talk. Well, even though it stopped in Tangkak, I still feel blessed about it. I know I have done nothing to make her proud but I hope when the business starts, it will uplift her opinions of me. What she thinks of me matters as an ounce of blood is worth more than a pound of friendship.    

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