when she's not there anymore...

dear diary, i thought i have a lot to write but when i tried the words just wouldn't come out through my fingers. there are so many things on my mind and i wish i knew how to tell you. i am missing aramis and i cannot deny it. i wonder if she is feeling the same way too. i have been feeling down lately but i tried to ignore it thinking that it is just another unexciting day. the more i tried to ignore it the more i am feeling it so clearly in my heart. i just don't know how to begin and how to carry on. i am all by myself now. i feel relieved but at the same time i am sad and hurt. i think it is time to focus on my life with or without someone to love because i know love is all around me, i just don't know it. i made a promise to myself to open my eyes and feel all the love that i see...even if she's not there anymore.

the woman without a face...

Dear diary, I know I am missing someone very much but it is hard for me to say out her name. It is almost impossible for me to do so probably because I know I will never be able to tell or to say to her how much I have been missing her. We have chosen not to speak to each other quietly and we both know the reasons why. One of us is feeling angry or sad, or hurt by the other but we just didn?t want to admit our faults and our guilt. Ego had taken over our rationality and both of us let it rule our hearts and minds. I am missing her so much that every time I scroll down the list of friends in my mobile, I will stop and literally touch the screen which shows her name. How I miss receiving a sms from that name so fond to me. I wish she knew that I am longing for her but my hands are tied and my lips are sealed. There is no power that can compensate my craving for her attentions. It is unbelievable these feelings I have for her. It is undeniable. Why did we meet only to be separated? Why did we ever become friend only to be cold to each other? My heart is so fragile now diary. It?s becoming so soft like the brain of a baby inside the skull. You have to carry it gently and carefully, otherwise it will knock against the skull and will break eventually. I am trying hard to hold back the tears. Every time I think of her, my heart sinks a little and I can literally feel the pain and the sufferings. I knew it?s broken without even touching it. I have made friends with a few people but none of them can make me feel the way I feel for her. She is one in a million, like a rare gem. I wonder if she is going to remain as the wind that I have fallen in love with till the day I breathe my last breath or will she be that rare gem I have found that I can finally hold to touch and to feel. I do not know but I wish I knew. I stored all the messages I have from her in a folder in my mobile. I keep reading and reading every single message she sent me. It helps me a little to ease the pain and the craving to have her. I think my heart cannot take it anymore diary, it is about to explode anytime soon. It?s getting dangerous and I am afraid it might kill me eventually. I am sad and heartbroken over what had happened. One blow after another and she knew what I have gone through. I cannot have anymore loss. It is too much for me to handle and I can only cry in silence. I cannot deny it anymore, she will be the one whom I have loved and love still and I wish her many success, endless happiness and everlasting good health no matter come what may.

killing my time...

hey diary, how are you? i am sleepy and tired. i called corn pie just now but she seemed busy. i thought i could just chat on the phone. well anyway, i have been planning for the things to do next year and it seems to me that i will be very busy. so many things line up for me to do. i hope i won't lose focus...i still can't transfer word file from my palmtop to my desktop and i wonder why that is. i have not figured it out yet. i miss someone very much diary...i miss her so very much...

i have to go now, i will write again soon. take care. oh by the way, i might get myself a laptop soon..take care now.

achy achy heart....

dear diary, lots of things happened for the past 2 weeks and i wonder if i ever really going to learn my lesson. i am sure i am mature enough to think but it still happens to me. one thing for sure, it happened to me because i allowed it to happen and i can only wonder why did i allow it. i think it is probably because i just wanted to have a good time regardless of how uncertain it is. perhaps i have been longing to feel the way she made me feel for a long time. it doesn't matter who made me feel that way and how it happen, all that matters is i feel good when i felt that way even though i knew that i would get hurt eventually. only then i realised that i have been missing love so much in my life. i thought it was ok and i could handle it but i just realised that it's difficult when you try to deny something which your heart craves so much for. i have been trying hard to deny love in my life only to realise that love is undeniable. it is true that i am not looking but i have to admit that my heart jumps whenever i started to feel the excitement of the possibility of a love newly found. after awhile, some mishaps brought me back into reality and i began to have my feet firmly on solid ground. dreams can be turned into reality only when the dreams are rational and realistic otherwise it takes effort of the whole batallion of army and energy of a man of steel to accomplish it. my heart sank when she broke the news to me. it was painful and i could literally feel that my heart was hurting so much. i have noticed a pattern about all the love that i have found. the women whom i am fond of always seem to break my heart and the women whom i am not fond of but take a liking on me never even let a fly hurt me. that's the saddest thing and yes i have to live with it.

as i was recovering from the heartbreak, i received a call last night and i was in shock when i heard the voice. it was little sister. she is in KL now and she explained to me on why her silence. she was in australia after the bone marrow transplant and her parents took care of her and i think they were being like all parents do, overprotective and she ended up being like a prisoner under her parent's care. i don't blame her parents. no parents would allow their children to be neglected. my heart stopped a little while when she called. i couldn't believe it was her because it has been sometimes since i heard from her. she left without a note, no goodbyes, no farewells and no nothing. i was left alone and i got lost a little. i became a little crazy checking my email everyday hoping to receive an email from her. the email never came and i kept on waiting and waiting and soon, i got disheartened. she came back into my life and i was the happiest woman alive. we spoke for about 50 minutes and i told her how worried i was when she was gone. i told her about the many events that happened to me and she gave me some advice that i would definitely follow. she has always been the little sister; my little sister, cute and always adorable, mischievious and sweet. she's going back to australia soon and i knew then that it's going to be hard to keep in touch with her. anyway, she will give me her phone number in australia, that should be okay. you know diary, when she called i felt like i was in a dream, it was such a surprise. i am glad that i have heard from her and that she is safe. i miss her so much more than words can say. i wish she will be cured and will be blessed with good health always for i love her and i want her to be happy.

yesterday was a day where i had no interest in everything. i missed zuhur, asar and isyak prayers on purpose. i knew what was wrong with me and it's all because of her. i got the news right before i was leaving home to my cousin's place. i got demoralised and i instantly became disinterested in everything that happened on that day. i couldn't be bothered anymore but unsurprisingly, i still managed to smile and laugh. i guess that is me, always managed to look A O K when i really am not ok. well, never mind, i am ok now and i know i will be fine. i called corn pie last night for awhile, she couldn't talk much cos her cousins were with her and she was leaving home with them for supper. i couldn't be long either since i called from my home fix line. we hung up and she sent me a text message after that explaining and apologising. she's nice and can be quite thoughtful, that's what i like abt her.

we brought Tuah to the market with us on sunday morning. we put him in his carrier and he was calling out to us to release him. he's so curious and he explored everything he saw. we bought him a leash and wore it on him yesterday and let him out of his carrier. he became tired and when we got home, he threw himself on the floor the moment he stepped inside the house right in the middle of the entrance. i guessed he was too tired and exhausted to walk further. i carried him in my room after that and put him to sleep on the cushion. he slept there very soundly until we left the house to my cousin's place. my parents became very sympathetic and soft on him when they saw him sleeping like that, i guess he has become the baby in our family and will remain one always.

hello diary...

dear diary, it has been a long time since i write to you. please accept my apologies. i have been busy and didn't even have time for myself let alone for others. since the start of ramadan, i have had my hands full at the preparations, there were so many things to do this year but ironically we did not celebrate Syawal as how we used to. we have one less family member, everybody else's family is expanding but my family is not growing at all, in fact we are shrinking. i feel so sad thinking about it and i am so angry with circumstances sometimes. i feel that it is unfair but what can i say what can i do? i am not trying to push the blame to others but i can't help thinking where did it go wrong and why did it have to be my family? i know i cannot change what has been written and i cannot fight fate even with all the energy i have but i am quite depress over the whole thing. a brother was taken away from me since i was young and another brother has left me for a bigger world. i am only left with one now. i feel so lost sometimes. there's something that makes me feel unhappy but i don't know what it is. dad keeps telling me that he only wishes to be with his sons, daughter and wife in paradise. i knew he misses my brother very much but he is holding back his thoughts from us because perhaps he knew too that all of us are coping with his death. i still shed tears for him quietly and when i am alone reminiscing. i have been thinking about him a lot lately and i remember how i used to joke and tease him. i cannot have the good times anymore with him because he is gone forever and all that is left now are the memories i had with him.

hang tuah is with us now and he has become comfortable with the house and us. he has been a good boy but since he is still a kitten and growing up, he is naughty occasionally, however he is always adorable. i can see that he is growing bigger day by day and he doesn't stop growing. ragdolls cat grow to as big as 20 pounds especially for male ragdolls. hang tuah is almost 2 kg now and he is only 4 months old! i played a lot with him since he came home and i never get tired of him. he is such a lovely and adorable kitten with blue eyes. i cannot deny that the reason why he is with us now is to keep us busy and fill our time with him so that we will not be thinking of him too much. hang tuah's presence indeed help us to overcome the feelings of loneliness.

i have not heard from little sister anymore. i have no idea what happened to her and what is she doing right now. there's not a single news from her and i am thinking of the worst right now. i knew she was going for the bone marrow transplant and that was it. i never heard from her eversince. i do not want to think negative but i am actually thinking of the worst right now. it's so unlike her to do this. please put her in safe hands.

aramis is gone too. i just don't know what to say about her anymore. history is repeating itself now and i am feeling it all over again. she should have left me alone and i should have learnt my lesson.

ash was supposed to come here and spend the weekend with me but she had to cancell it. i was looking forward for her visit cos it's been a long time since i had friends sleeping over my house. i miss their company. we planned to skate and eat seafood but since she couldn't make it, i think i will just skate alone. i was a little pissed with ash actually. i told her to inform me early once she has got the ticket so that i can arrange to pick her up. she didn't get back to me until after i made 4 calls to her which were never answered and 3 sms which she answered eventually. if there is anything i hate, it would be that kind of attitude; a lack of resposibility. busy is not acceptable, it is just excuses and i hate it. nevertheless, i have always enjoyed ash's company cos she is easy and not difficult to please. i hope she is able to make it some other time.

corn pie and i are getting closer and closer each day. we met once and it all started from there. i just feel comfortable with her. she shares the same wavelength as i do and i found out that she and i have a lot in common. she's my age and it's easy to talk to her. i hope our frienship lasts cos she's someone good to have as a friend.

got to go diary. write to u some other time.