dear diary, it has been a long time since i write to you. please accept my apologies. i have been busy and didn't even have time for myself let alone for others. since the start of ramadan, i have had my hands full at the preparations, there were so many things to do this year but ironically we did not celebrate Syawal as how we used to. we have one less family member, everybody else's family is expanding but my family is not growing at all, in fact we are shrinking. i feel so sad thinking about it and i am so angry with circumstances sometimes. i feel that it is unfair but what can i say what can i do? i am not trying to push the blame to others but i can't help thinking where did it go wrong and why did it have to be my family? i know i cannot change what has been written and i cannot fight fate even with all the energy i have but i am quite depress over the whole thing. a brother was taken away from me since i was young and another brother has left me for a bigger world. i am only left with one now. i feel so lost sometimes. there's something that makes me feel unhappy but i don't know what it is. dad keeps telling me that he only wishes to be with his sons, daughter and wife in paradise. i knew he misses my brother very much but he is holding back his thoughts from us because perhaps he knew too that all of us are coping with his death. i still shed tears for him quietly and when i am alone reminiscing. i have been thinking about him a lot lately and i remember how i used to joke and tease him. i cannot have the good times anymore with him because he is gone forever and all that is left now are the memories i had with him.
hang tuah is with us now and he has become comfortable with the house and us. he has been a good boy but since he is still a kitten and growing up, he is naughty occasionally, however he is always adorable. i can see that he is growing bigger day by day and he doesn't stop growing. ragdolls cat grow to as big as 20 pounds especially for male ragdolls. hang tuah is almost 2 kg now and he is only 4 months old! i played a lot with him since he came home and i never get tired of him. he is such a lovely and adorable kitten with blue eyes. i cannot deny that the reason why he is with us now is to keep us busy and fill our time with him so that we will not be thinking of him too much. hang tuah's presence indeed help us to overcome the feelings of loneliness.
i have not heard from little sister anymore. i have no idea what happened to her and what is she doing right now. there's not a single news from her and i am thinking of the worst right now. i knew she was going for the bone marrow transplant and that was it. i never heard from her eversince. i do not want to think negative but i am actually thinking of the worst right now. it's so unlike her to do this. please put her in safe hands.
aramis is gone too. i just don't know what to say about her anymore. history is repeating itself now and i am feeling it all over again. she should have left me alone and i should have learnt my lesson.
ash was supposed to come here and spend the weekend with me but she had to cancell it. i was looking forward for her visit cos it's been a long time since i had friends sleeping over my house. i miss their company. we planned to skate and eat seafood but since she couldn't make it, i think i will just skate alone. i was a little pissed with ash actually. i told her to inform me early once she has got the ticket so that i can arrange to pick her up. she didn't get back to me until after i made 4 calls to her which were never answered and 3 sms which she answered eventually. if there is anything i hate, it would be that kind of attitude; a lack of resposibility. busy is not acceptable, it is just excuses and i hate it. nevertheless, i have always enjoyed ash's company cos she is easy and not difficult to please. i hope she is able to make it some other time.
corn pie and i are getting closer and closer each day. we met once and it all started from there. i just feel comfortable with her. she shares the same wavelength as i do and i found out that she and i have a lot in common. she's my age and it's easy to talk to her. i hope our frienship lasts cos she's someone good to have as a friend.
got to go diary. write to u some other time.
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