dear diary, lots of things happened for the past 2 weeks and i wonder if i ever really going to learn my lesson. i am sure i am mature enough to think but it still happens to me. one thing for sure, it happened to me because i allowed it to happen and i can only wonder why did i allow it. i think it is probably because i just wanted to have a good time regardless of how uncertain it is. perhaps i have been longing to feel the way she made me feel for a long time. it doesn't matter who made me feel that way and how it happen, all that matters is i feel good when i felt that way even though i knew that i would get hurt eventually. only then i realised that i have been missing love so much in my life. i thought it was ok and i could handle it but i just realised that it's difficult when you try to deny something which your heart craves so much for. i have been trying hard to deny love in my life only to realise that love is undeniable. it is true that i am not looking but i have to admit that my heart jumps whenever i started to feel the excitement of the possibility of a love newly found. after awhile, some mishaps brought me back into reality and i began to have my feet firmly on solid ground. dreams can be turned into reality only when the dreams are rational and realistic otherwise it takes effort of the whole batallion of army and energy of a man of steel to accomplish it. my heart sank when she broke the news to me. it was painful and i could literally feel that my heart was hurting so much. i have noticed a pattern about all the love that i have found. the women whom i am fond of always seem to break my heart and the women whom i am not fond of but take a liking on me never even let a fly hurt me. that's the saddest thing and yes i have to live with it.
as i was recovering from the heartbreak, i received a call last night and i was in shock when i heard the voice. it was little sister. she is in KL now and she explained to me on why her silence. she was in australia after the bone marrow transplant and her parents took care of her and i think they were being like all parents do, overprotective and she ended up being like a prisoner under her parent's care. i don't blame her parents. no parents would allow their children to be neglected. my heart stopped a little while when she called. i couldn't believe it was her because it has been sometimes since i heard from her. she left without a note, no goodbyes, no farewells and no nothing. i was left alone and i got lost a little. i became a little crazy checking my email everyday hoping to receive an email from her. the email never came and i kept on waiting and waiting and soon, i got disheartened. she came back into my life and i was the happiest woman alive. we spoke for about 50 minutes and i told her how worried i was when she was gone. i told her about the many events that happened to me and she gave me some advice that i would definitely follow. she has always been the little sister; my little sister, cute and always adorable, mischievious and sweet. she's going back to australia soon and i knew then that it's going to be hard to keep in touch with her. anyway, she will give me her phone number in australia, that should be okay. you know diary, when she called i felt like i was in a dream, it was such a surprise. i am glad that i have heard from her and that she is safe. i miss her so much more than words can say. i wish she will be cured and will be blessed with good health always for i love her and i want her to be happy.
yesterday was a day where i had no interest in everything. i missed zuhur, asar and isyak prayers on purpose. i knew what was wrong with me and it's all because of her. i got the news right before i was leaving home to my cousin's place. i got demoralised and i instantly became disinterested in everything that happened on that day. i couldn't be bothered anymore but unsurprisingly, i still managed to smile and laugh. i guess that is me, always managed to look A O K when i really am not ok. well, never mind, i am ok now and i know i will be fine. i called corn pie last night for awhile, she couldn't talk much cos her cousins were with her and she was leaving home with them for supper. i couldn't be long either since i called from my home fix line. we hung up and she sent me a text message after that explaining and apologising. she's nice and can be quite thoughtful, that's what i like abt her.
we brought Tuah to the market with us on sunday morning. we put him in his carrier and he was calling out to us to release him. he's so curious and he explored everything he saw. we bought him a leash and wore it on him yesterday and let him out of his carrier. he became tired and when we got home, he threw himself on the floor the moment he stepped inside the house right in the middle of the entrance. i guessed he was too tired and exhausted to walk further. i carried him in my room after that and put him to sleep on the cushion. he slept there very soundly until we left the house to my cousin's place. my parents became very sympathetic and soft on him when they saw him sleeping like that, i guess he has become the baby in our family and will remain one always.
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