executing the responsibility of a father to a dead son

Dear diary,
.
Dad has left for Mecca on the 18th of December and I am missing him very much. It is not easy not to feel like this. He is gone to perform the pilgrimage for my late brother, Bakim. Coincidentally, school break starts from 19th of December and it fell on Sunday. I do not have classes on Friday and I went home early to send dad to the airport. This is the first time he is away alone for so long. He has never been apart from us for so long like this before.
.
Dad’s job does not require him to travel so he is mostly at home. Before he left, I didn’t think that I would be missing him this much but I was wrong. There are only Balim, mom and myself now at home. It feels so quiet and can get lonely at times.He has gone to perform the pilgrimage before but that was five years ago with mom. At that time, I was left alone with my brothers and it didn’t feel as painful as it is now because perhaps the family was complete then than now.
.
You know how insecure I can get sometimes right diary? With Bakim gone forever, this insecurity I am feeling looks like it is going to last forever. I have already had this kind of feeling of insecurity since I was young. I often feel afraid that I might lose my family members and how I have cried myself to sleep most of the times. Do you know that I hate to be separated from my family? Do you know that I have never been away from my family for more than two weeks?
.
Being separated from them kills me and I hate the feelings whenever I am away from them. I am not sure what is wrong with me diary. Balim was gone for more than two years when he furthered his studies in UK. I didn’t feel anything like this then but since Bakim is gone, I feel so terribly alone, afraid and sad most of the times. I don’t feel safe anymore wherever I go. The feeling of security is partially gone and my life is now being enveloped with sorrow, loneliness and isolation. With dad’s absence, I can even feel it more than I ever ask for.
.
It kills me to feel this way and everytime he text us, I wanted to tell him how much I miss him but I just couldn’t because I don’t know how. Mom and Balim didn’t say anything about missing him, but I am sure deep down inside their hearts, they are missing him as much as I do. It is just like Bakim’s case where none of us mentioned anything about missing him or the pain that we have felt for his departure openly but I know we all feel it silently.
.
People say that time is the great healer but to tell you the truth, it gets harder each day because you grow older each day, things and people change and for sure, you will wonder how it is going to be, if he were still alive, what it would be like if he were still alive. I am not sure if I am the only one who is feeling this way because I know, I am the most stubborn in our family but yet I am the most sensitive and I can get easily affected by changes in my surroundings. Little small things hurt me even though I do not show that I am hurt. I walk away when there is trouble because I know anymore trouble with people or with things would hurt me even further and I have to protect myself.It hurts diary, it hurts very much.
.
What happened with pontianak, flying waitress, russia, aramis, and india have left a big impact in my life. Sometimes, I wish I could tell them that I am hurt by what happened, I want so much to tell them that I am sorry but I know in some situations, explanations and reasonings will only make things worse than they already are. It hurts to lose a friend let alone your own flesh and blood. You started to blame everything and everybody but yourself. You even blame God for it and that is very ironic. I still blame myself for my brother’s death. I have said something that was so mean to him before he died that no other sisters on earth could have said what I had said to her own brother because it was so mean beyond words but I fucking said it to him. I feel so disgusted with myself now and forever. I will not forgive myself and I deserve nothing but condemnation so help me God.

she's going to live longer

Dear diary,
.
Little sister is back into my life and it sure feels good. We have met a couple of times and she even accompanied me for lunch, a thing that I had never dreamt possible. She has grown healthier and very childlike as usual. The doctor broke very good news to her and I am very happy for her. I guessed the bone marrow transplant has proved to be successful eventually. All these while, we were hoping and perhaps praying that it would eventually bring us good news.
.
The good news finally came and I was overjoyed beyond descriptions.I still remember those times when I was so afraid that she would leave me when the time comes. I swear to god that I had prayed so hard so that she could live another day. Have I told you that she came to my house and left me a bouquet of flower outside the door? I still keep that bouquet of flower even though all of the leaves and flowers have gone dry and withered. It is just something I like to keep that could remind me of her. I do think of her everytime I see that bouquet of flowers.
.
Her girlfriend has text me a couple of times asking me to leave her alone. I also received three calls from a number that was not in my contact list. I suspected that it was from her girlfriend. I didn’t pick it up because I wouldn’t know what to say and how to answer her if she asked me anything. The thing that makes it that way was the fact that little sister and I have gone beyond that sisterhood boundary. It is funny because both of us did not expect things to be this way but things just happened you know. I am not making excuses for myself but I guess little sister and I have shared and gone through so many things that we have built a bond between us that is filled with multiple layers of emotions. We do not have to sleep together in one bed or make love but sharing emotions is enough to feel love for each other.

springcleaning brings back memories

Dear diary,

.

I did some organizing of my bedroom this afternoon and I came across a box that was filled with gifts from the girl once I had loved. It was sweet and I wonder how she is doing right now. If I could call and asked her well being now, I would but her number has been erased from my contact list and I do not think it is a good idea to keep in touch with her anymore. I kept an email from her in that box as well. I didn’t finish reading it because I do not want to be brought back to remembering the events that occurred during the course of my relationship with her.Do you still remember pontianak diary?

.

Those gifts came after we broke up and perhaps it was out of guilt that she sent me those gifts. I am not sure but I never expected anything from her anymore after the break up. She seemed to be feeling bad or guilty and tried to be nice to me. I became my usual self with her and my insensitivity upset her. I apologised but she said I was superficial and ignorant. I let it be and many not so nice sarcastic remarks were directed at me from her MSN. I knew it then that it was pointless to continue whatever that we had left between us. From then until now, we never heard of each other anymore, none of us makes any effort to say hi. I have ceased all possible ways to contact her and I really do not know anything about her anymore.

.

The things I saw in the small box brought me back to the days when we were still in good terms and I must admit that somehow I do miss those moments even though I thought the love we had was mutual when I was actually wrong. For whatever she feels towards me now, for whatever happened between us, deep down in my heart I wish her great success and happiness because I have a dream that someday somehow, we would still be smiling to each other again.

a silent message that was never understood

Dear diary,

.

I received a call from russia just now but I chose not to answer her call. I do not wish to have anything to do with her anymore. A few hours later she text me and said she has something that she needs to tell me. She said that she does not expect an immediate answer from me and told me to take my time but hopes that I will not ignore her message. The thing about russia that I noticed after I have known her is that she likes to complicate things and make simple things complex.She has text me a couple of times before and all I did after receiving her message was to ignore. If she has something to tell me this time, why couldn’t she just text me with the message instead of telling me she has something that she needs to tell me and expect me to call or text her back? It is such a waste of time. She likes to do things like that and if she expects me to be so curious with what she needed to tell me so badly, she can wait till the world ends.

.

I am sure she could have guessed that I have been ignoring her message and if she really has something that I should know, she should have just told me in her message. I ain’t going to text or call her because whatever news she has for me, I am sure it is not my concern. I am not interested, I don’t want to know and I don’t give a damn and that’s final. Call me egotistical or whatever you want but I do not wish to even let her have an inkling of an idea that I still want her to think I treasure her as a friend let alone as an acquaintance.Please do not think that I am being too much but she has insulted my intelligence and I just do not want to be associated with her anymore.

.

When I came to KL, she did not even bother to ask if I was doing ok or not. She did not even care if I needed her help let alone offer me if I needed any. I do not expect her to fetch me a pot of gold or to swim across a river infested with alligators but the least she could do as the very recent ex girlfriend was to ask how I was getting along in KL. She knew I was coming and she knew I had arrived but she didn’t make an effort to call or even text me to welcome me. Look diary, pettiness is not in my agenda but she was one out of the few friends I have in Malaysia that I hope I could count on. Yes, I was very dissappointed with her; I was turned off by her.

.

Moreover, you know when she finally text me to meet, she asked if I could get to her place on my own and that was already close to midnight. She knew I was dependent on the public transport. Let’s just face it, how safe can it be for me to take a cab to her place alone at night in KL? She should have known better and I was really taken aback by her request. She did many things that turned me off and I have decided to stay away from her and erase her from my friends list. She’s not worth it diary and it is sad to know. She has attempted to make up but once bitten twice shy and I declined her wish every time. She called me and assumed that I was influenced by another of our friend and said that I might have got on the wrong side of her. She even advised me not to easily be influenced by people. I felt that my intelligence has been insulted and told her off.

.

What I did was purely based on my own personal perceptions and how I derived to that perception was from what I have experienced. She should have done her own assessment on why I became so cold towards her before jumping to any unfound and bias conclusion.

dream on...

Dear diary,

.

We just came back from KL and I had my keyboard moved to KL as well. With my keyboard there, I hope I can be happier living in KL alone. Perhaps I can learn a few songs by Sandhan and play it whenever I am bored and feeling sentimental. It helps to play musical instruments. I have heard that playing musical instruments can destress yourself and do wonders to the lonesome and wounded hearts.

.

I am listening to Sandhan now and I am feeling very emotional right now. It brings out the syrupy side of me. I wish I could play as he does and attract many attentions from girls. It feels good to be the centre of attraction from the opposite sex but since I am not straight, I certainly would enjoy attentions from my sex group.

.

You know what diary, sometimes I do ponder at the idea of homosexuality being legal and acceptable to the societies and religions. It is just something that I fantasize even though I know it is not going to happen in reality.

applying economics terms into my life

Dear diary,
.
How has it been going for you? I sincerely hope that everything is fine for you. As I am writing to you now, it seems to me that I have developed this habit of apologising to you too often for not writing. And my genuine reason would be that I have been busy with studies which in fact is true. Apart from that, I have moved out of the hostel and home is quite a distance from school.
.
Public transport is the only means of transportation I have to get to school. Believe me, when you are in my shoes, having to taste the effiency or rather the inefficiency of the public transport system here is something you would opt to pass if you have other alternatives to get to school. Therefore, I often left my laptop at home as I do not want to add anymore miseries to my already existing miseries while waiting for the bus to arrive. I hope you understand my explanation and it really comes from the bottom of my heart. It has been six months living in a foreign land and much have been anticipated had happened.
.
There are so many stories that I can share and write but time is always a problem. I have stories about chicken pie, little sister, russia, aramis, the two ‘Hangs’ at home , my family and my newly found romance, Myvi. Perhaps I have even more stories to write than those listed above for example, I can give some of my most sincere and genuine opinions on the public transport system here and get my butt kick out of here, or maybe get my student visa revoked or probably be told to go home to where I came from but I will save the best stories for last and probably will start writing one of my thoughts that have long been discontinued.
.
I am back in singapore since school is on holiday. Exam is on the 18th of january so I have to go back to KL at least a day prior to the examination. I cannot say that I am 100% prepared for the exam but I am ready to sit for it. School is fine, I am keeping low profile but I cannot help myself from getting noticed. It is probably because I am much older than most of the students there and perhaps i assume many have already refered me as the unfriendly, reserved and private person. I don’t talk to them unnecessarily and most important of all I mind my own business.
.
I have a few girls from the hostel that I stick with in school and they are probably the only persons I can call my friends made in school. The rest are just strangers that I look at without any facial expressions. I hate crowds and i just happen to be someone who is not willing to compromise her privacy.There is one guy in school where I feel comfortable talking to. He is in his mid twenties and perhaps that is what makes me comfortable conversing with him. However, he can be quite a nuisance sometimes because he seems to forget to apply a full stop after every sentence and he will keep on talking till we went home.
.
Sometimes, I imgaine myself giving him a punch in his face while he talks to give him a message that he has talk too much and it is time to stop. Or I should probably remind him of the importance of a full stop and we must apply the rule of full stop not only in writing but in talking as well. The library has been my sanctuary in school. I spend most of my time there revising and studying. I cannot afford to waste my time anymore and any extra free time is put to good use. In economics, we say that every resources is only at its optimal level when it is efficiently used and allocated. When resources are not at their optimal level, it is deduced that the reaources are not efficiently allocated and employed which leads to market failure. I am living by that principle nowadays and I try to avoid my own market failure from occuring. Let’s just hope things will be on a bright side for me shall we diary?

the animals we made our family

Dear diary,

Living in a house alone can get lonely most of the times. I feel so lonely everytime I come home. I have got nothing to look forward to. I have thought of getting a kitten for myself but living as a student with no fixed and constant flow of income prevents me from doing so. If I want to rear a kitten I want to be a responsible one. I want to provide him with a good home. I want to be able to nurse him when he is sick and feed him with good quality food. I want to provide him comfort, love and care. It takes money to do that.

.

We spent quite a lot on Hang Tuah and Hang Jebat already. I cannot afford to have another one here in KL. I am still dependent on my parents for pocket money, thus having a kitten on my own can be quite a burden. The medical fees alone is even more expensive than humans, I am sure it will eat into my budget if I have one. I cook myself dinner every night. It has been great so far. I am not afraid neither am I scared but I just feel lonely. I have never came home to an empty house before all my life.

.

I experienced a bit of a culture shock when I moved here. Dinner was always cooked and served for me whenever I came home in singapore. Now, it’s just the furnitures and the sounds of the crickets that come from the nearby forest that welcome me whenever I reached home. No more greetings from mom or dad. No more greetings from Hang Tuah and Hang Jebat . I remember how Hang Tuah welcomed me when I reached home. He would ran to the door and stood on his back feet, his two front feet would lean against the gate waiting for me to open the door wide. I miss them everytime diary. Everything about them is all so adorable and genuine. I have loved them like I have loved my family. I feel the bond that we have built among ourselves and I knew if anything bad happened to them, I would be devastated.

.

Let us not forget the reason why we brought them into our family. It is to heal our wounded heart for losing our own flesh and blood. They help us to heal even though we still do think of him but their presence help to divert our attentions away from him. Their presence help us to put smiles and laughter back on to our faces. That’s a miracle diary, cats can do wonders. You put them in a right home and you can make magic out of it. I haven’t tell you a lot about them haven’t i? Hang tuah has got beeter acquainted with hang jebat. They play with each other and most of the times, you will end up watching them wrestle each other. It is so entertaining and hilarious watching them play.

.

Hang Tuah always has the upper hand because he is bigger and taller. Jebat can be timid but he is one mischievious cat! Believe me when I tell you that all the wrestles started from Jebat. Hang Tuah would be sitting quietly minding his own business and Jebat would come and hit Tuah’s face with his paws. Jebat would throw himself infront of Tuah and would try to grab Tuah’s neck to bite. The wrestle would always start from there. They play catching sometimes and when they do, things at home will go haywire. Things and decorations will be all over the house. I never knew that cats like to rearrange home decors without any planning at all.

.

They are very adorable diary. Once you have seen them, I am sure you will like them.Hang Jebat is still the same timid cat. He has grown so much now and he has put on weight. He had some problem with answering nature calls at the right places. We sent him to the vet and followed some of the doctor’s advice. it worked! Mom told me how both of them had behaved when Jebat was put inside the bag to be brought to the vet. Tuah sniffed the bag and tried to open it with his paws. He probably think that Jebat was trapped inside the bag and he wanted to save him. They called out to each other and when Balim left home with Jebat, Tuah became agitated. He seemed to be in stress and it was rather frantic. He ran from the kitchen to the balcony. He climbed up the wooden stools at the balcony and looked out of the window for any signs of Jebat. When he couldn’t get any view of Jebat, he ran back to the kitchen and looked up to the kitchen’s window. He called out to mom probably asking her to lift him up so that he could catch Jebat’s view. I really felt for him when I heard that story. It’s amazing isn’t it diary?

.

Knowing that animals have bonded together can be overwhelming. I really wonder if their relationships or friendships functions like how the relationships and friendships of the humans do. Do they fight and apologise and do they get jealous? I wonder how it is like to be them. I am sure, Jebat would attract lots of attentions from the girls because he is so good looking. He has this pretty boy looks while Tuah has this rugged manly look. He behaves like a big brother to Jebat and Jebat would follow everything that Tuah does, from climbing out of the window to messing up the rugs in the kitchen.

.

I have noticed that Jebat has started to form habits which were passed down from Tuah. It can be very impressive because that’s what happen in almost every household. The young always follow what the old does. I remember picking up tricks and habits from my elder brothers when I was young. The joy for successfully copy their tricks or habits was so awesome that it can immediately boost your confidence level.It is estimated that Tuah and Jebat will live up to 20 years. If that is the case, when they are gone, I am sure I will cry like how I cried when bakim passed away. Perhaps, the feelings of losing your flesh and blood will be felt all over again by me. I don’t know if I am ready to experience it again. It hurts you know, it really does. It’s so painful that if I am granted one wish, I would wish that I will never get to feel it again.