Dear diary,
.
Dad has left for Mecca on the 18th of December and I am missing him very much. It is not easy not to feel like this. He is gone to perform the pilgrimage for my late brother, Bakim. Coincidentally, school break starts from 19th of December and it fell on Sunday. I do not have classes on Friday and I went home early to send dad to the airport. This is the first time he is away alone for so long. He has never been apart from us for so long like this before.
.
Dad’s job does not require him to travel so he is mostly at home. Before he left, I didn’t think that I would be missing him this much but I was wrong. There are only Balim, mom and myself now at home. It feels so quiet and can get lonely at times.He has gone to perform the pilgrimage before but that was five years ago with mom. At that time, I was left alone with my brothers and it didn’t feel as painful as it is now because perhaps the family was complete then than now.
.
You know how insecure I can get sometimes right diary? With Bakim gone forever, this insecurity I am feeling looks like it is going to last forever. I have already had this kind of feeling of insecurity since I was young. I often feel afraid that I might lose my family members and how I have cried myself to sleep most of the times. Do you know that I hate to be separated from my family? Do you know that I have never been away from my family for more than two weeks?
.
Being separated from them kills me and I hate the feelings whenever I am away from them. I am not sure what is wrong with me diary. Balim was gone for more than two years when he furthered his studies in UK. I didn’t feel anything like this then but since Bakim is gone, I feel so terribly alone, afraid and sad most of the times. I don’t feel safe anymore wherever I go. The feeling of security is partially gone and my life is now being enveloped with sorrow, loneliness and isolation. With dad’s absence, I can even feel it more than I ever ask for.
.
It kills me to feel this way and everytime he text us, I wanted to tell him how much I miss him but I just couldn’t because I don’t know how. Mom and Balim didn’t say anything about missing him, but I am sure deep down inside their hearts, they are missing him as much as I do. It is just like Bakim’s case where none of us mentioned anything about missing him or the pain that we have felt for his departure openly but I know we all feel it silently.
.
People say that time is the great healer but to tell you the truth, it gets harder each day because you grow older each day, things and people change and for sure, you will wonder how it is going to be, if he were still alive, what it would be like if he were still alive. I am not sure if I am the only one who is feeling this way because I know, I am the most stubborn in our family but yet I am the most sensitive and I can get easily affected by changes in my surroundings. Little small things hurt me even though I do not show that I am hurt. I walk away when there is trouble because I know anymore trouble with people or with things would hurt me even further and I have to protect myself.It hurts diary, it hurts very much.
.
What happened with pontianak, flying waitress, russia, aramis, and india have left a big impact in my life. Sometimes, I wish I could tell them that I am hurt by what happened, I want so much to tell them that I am sorry but I know in some situations, explanations and reasonings will only make things worse than they already are. It hurts to lose a friend let alone your own flesh and blood. You started to blame everything and everybody but yourself. You even blame God for it and that is very ironic. I still blame myself for my brother’s death. I have said something that was so mean to him before he died that no other sisters on earth could have said what I had said to her own brother because it was so mean beyond words but I fucking said it to him. I feel so disgusted with myself now and forever. I will not forgive myself and I deserve nothing but condemnation so help me God.
.
Dad has left for Mecca on the 18th of December and I am missing him very much. It is not easy not to feel like this. He is gone to perform the pilgrimage for my late brother, Bakim. Coincidentally, school break starts from 19th of December and it fell on Sunday. I do not have classes on Friday and I went home early to send dad to the airport. This is the first time he is away alone for so long. He has never been apart from us for so long like this before.
.
Dad’s job does not require him to travel so he is mostly at home. Before he left, I didn’t think that I would be missing him this much but I was wrong. There are only Balim, mom and myself now at home. It feels so quiet and can get lonely at times.He has gone to perform the pilgrimage before but that was five years ago with mom. At that time, I was left alone with my brothers and it didn’t feel as painful as it is now because perhaps the family was complete then than now.
.
You know how insecure I can get sometimes right diary? With Bakim gone forever, this insecurity I am feeling looks like it is going to last forever. I have already had this kind of feeling of insecurity since I was young. I often feel afraid that I might lose my family members and how I have cried myself to sleep most of the times. Do you know that I hate to be separated from my family? Do you know that I have never been away from my family for more than two weeks?
.
Being separated from them kills me and I hate the feelings whenever I am away from them. I am not sure what is wrong with me diary. Balim was gone for more than two years when he furthered his studies in UK. I didn’t feel anything like this then but since Bakim is gone, I feel so terribly alone, afraid and sad most of the times. I don’t feel safe anymore wherever I go. The feeling of security is partially gone and my life is now being enveloped with sorrow, loneliness and isolation. With dad’s absence, I can even feel it more than I ever ask for.
.
It kills me to feel this way and everytime he text us, I wanted to tell him how much I miss him but I just couldn’t because I don’t know how. Mom and Balim didn’t say anything about missing him, but I am sure deep down inside their hearts, they are missing him as much as I do. It is just like Bakim’s case where none of us mentioned anything about missing him or the pain that we have felt for his departure openly but I know we all feel it silently.
.
People say that time is the great healer but to tell you the truth, it gets harder each day because you grow older each day, things and people change and for sure, you will wonder how it is going to be, if he were still alive, what it would be like if he were still alive. I am not sure if I am the only one who is feeling this way because I know, I am the most stubborn in our family but yet I am the most sensitive and I can get easily affected by changes in my surroundings. Little small things hurt me even though I do not show that I am hurt. I walk away when there is trouble because I know anymore trouble with people or with things would hurt me even further and I have to protect myself.It hurts diary, it hurts very much.
.
What happened with pontianak, flying waitress, russia, aramis, and india have left a big impact in my life. Sometimes, I wish I could tell them that I am hurt by what happened, I want so much to tell them that I am sorry but I know in some situations, explanations and reasonings will only make things worse than they already are. It hurts to lose a friend let alone your own flesh and blood. You started to blame everything and everybody but yourself. You even blame God for it and that is very ironic. I still blame myself for my brother’s death. I have said something that was so mean to him before he died that no other sisters on earth could have said what I had said to her own brother because it was so mean beyond words but I fucking said it to him. I feel so disgusted with myself now and forever. I will not forgive myself and I deserve nothing but condemnation so help me God.
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