I Am Sensitive

I Am Sensitive

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Convenience and Campaigns

Dear Diary,

I went to British Council this morning to get my certificates certified. I need to post them to University of London soon for my application. It is so easy with the existence of the internet. You do not have to be there to do anything relevant to it. Everything can be done online with a click of the mouse and informations can be gathered easily without the hassle of being at the place. We have live in an era where convenience is right in our homes and I seriously cannot imagine lives without the internet. Imagine if the internet doesn’t exist, I have to make long distance phone calls to the university and I am sure I will be talking for more than thirty minutes just to enquire on the application procedures. How lucky we are to be living life this easy but then again I wonder if it will make us become too dependent on convenience that we might just feel handicapped without it.

I was too sleepy to get up this morning until mum had to call out my name out loud. I was just too sleepy. I couldn’t open my eyes. After I had woken up, I went back sleeping in a split second and fell into a deep sleep. I even managed to dream a little. That showed how sleepy I was. The thing is Diary, I never had afternoon nap. My only sleeping time is during the night and if I had missed a few hours of sleep, I will never be able to get it back unless I go to bed early the night after. I often feel a pounding headache nowadays. Sometimes it was so painful that I had to hold my head with both my palms and shut my eyes tight hoping that the pain would go away. I don’t know what causes the pain and I really do not want to know.

We took the train and got down at Orchard MRT. It is the nearest station but still we had to walk quite a distance and we walked quite hurriedly because we didn’t want to be there during their lunch time. If we did, we had to wait until 2pm and that would be too long because mum has to be at work by 2pm. British Council is about two kilometers from Orchard MRT station and we walked about one and a half until mum began to feel tired. It was a lucky thing that there are shopping centres along the way and I asked mum to sit at Mcdonalds while I carried on walking to British Council. It was hot and I was feeling like I was climbing one of the mountains I had climbed. It was good walking like that; brisk walking always gives me the thrill. I like to sweat because everytime I sweat I feel healthy.

Mum waited for me while I went to run my own errands. I got there and told the receptionist of my intention and she asked me to have a seat while waiting for the person to come and meet me. I sat and enjoyed the cool and fresh air conditioned while I can. I felt my sweat dissolving a little. I waited for about five minutes until a lanky and sweet lady appeared infront of me with a rubber stamp, a pen and a piece of paper in her hand. She smiled at me and sat right beside me. She’s sweet, I said to myself. I was sure she was younger than I am but I bet people will think otherwise. Not that I am being vain but she was in an office attire and I was in my bermudas, singlet and flip flop. I look so much like a university undergraduate. I looked at her doing her job and she seemed attractive. I have always had a soft spot for women in office attires especially the one with powers. They just make me weak at the knees.

It didn’t take long for her to certify my certificates. She just needed to compare the photocopied certificates with the original ones and made sure that they are identical. She stamped every one of them and signed her name with her designation there. She is the programmed executive of British Council. I got her name too. If only she had to leave her contact number as well, that would really give me the opportunity. Oh Diary, I was just kidding. I am merely entertaining the imaginative side of me.

After I had made my payment, I walked back to where mum was. We walked back to Orchard MRT station and I noticed dustbins everywhere. There is one dustbin every 20 meters on the sidewalk giving no reasons why people should litter. This is the thing about Singapore. Growing up here, I know the things to do and the things not to do. When the government decides to implement a new rule, Singaporeans would better take heed and oblige. It’s just the way things are over here. When the government decides to have a ‘No Litter’ campaign, they really want us not to litter by providing us with the convenience of throwing our litter everywhere and anywhere. Dustbins can be found everywhere and I remember when I was in primary school, we were told not to litter until I have this fear of littering. To educate someone, you have to start from an early age. In my six years of primary education, my teachers never failed to teach and educate us about certain campaigns that the government was having at those times. I never remember a year that went by without any campaigns. There would always some campaigns going on. I remember the ‘Speak Mandarin’ campaign, ‘Courtesy’ campaign, ‘Don’t Litter’ campaign, ‘Speak English’ campaign, ‘Yellow Ribbon’ campaign, ‘Cleanliness’ campaign and so many other campaigns that I couldn’t remember.

Oh diary…I’d love to write some more but I have to get some sleep….i will talk to you some other time ok..I love you Diary.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Without You...

Dear Diary,

I have been rushing to run errands for myself, the stall and school the past few weeks. In other words, I have been busy till I have to buy time for myself. It is hard living in two countries. I have to travel often and it is taking its toll on me. Yes, it keeps me busy and distracted from thinking about stuffs that do nothing but only put me in enormous sadness. I am coping well with things and life is a little organized than before. I have eaten well and my appetite is growing. I don’t leave myself sleeping with hunger anymore. At least I make sure that I don’t go to sleep on an empty stomach.

I have to admit, I have been getting a couple of comments about my weight. People around me say that I have put on weight. I guess it is because of the long stay in Singapore. It is always very different when you live with your parents. You have almost everything and your well being is taken care of. I haven’t been to the gym and that makes it worst. I froze my gym membership for five months now since I am spending two weeks in Singapore and two weeks in Malaysia. I miss the gym Diary. I miss the work outs and getting sweaty and all. I am still waiting for my visa and I do not really care anymore. Thinking about it will only make me become more stressful. I do not want to be the worrier anymore.

I have been thinking about you Diary and all the things that I wanted to tell. I went hiking at Mount Ophir or Gunung Ledang as it is popularly known over here. It is my fourth time climbing the mountain. There were supposed to be eight of us but four pulled out at the last minute and that leave us with only four climbers. One quarter to the summit, one of the climbers gave up because she found that it was too challenging for her and she made her way back down. So there were just the three of us and I was the only woman climber in the team. So many changes happened at Gunung Ledang. There were many new routes, rules and regulations. It has been under the care of the National Park since four years ago if I am not mistaken. I used to climb it at night to reach the summit before dawn, wanting to catch the sunrise but it is not allowed anymore. Making camp at the campsites is not allowed anymore due to the recent incidences of trees got uprooted and fell on the tent of a camper and killing him instantly. A week after that another incident happened that claimed the life of another climber. Since then, the National Park authorities have been very careful and strict. That’s when the changes happened. No more night climbs, no more camping on camping grounds and climbers have to complete the climb within a day.

It was tiring Diary. I never thought Gunung Ledang is suitable for a day hike because of its height. It is the highest mountain in the southern of Peninsula Malaysia with a height of 1,276 meters. Ascending it took us five hours and descending took us three hours. There were two other big groups that climbed the mountain on the day we were there. One group was from Singapore consisting of forty students from Serangoon Junior College and the other one was from Batu Pahat consisting of sixty students. Our group was the last group to ascend but we managed to catch up with them halfway up. That’s the thing about climbing in small group Diary. We can easily catch up with bigger groups even if they start climbing two to three hours earlier than us. That’s the same with climbing down. I was happy and glad that we made it. It was tiring and I suffered major muscle ache after the climb but it is really worth it.

There are a lot of things that I have taught myself to be in this climb. I have taught myself to be independent and to get used to the fact that I will not be climbing with Infinity anymore. You know how it was like before this, don’t you Diary? Infinity was my climbing buddy. I have introduced this hobby to her and she seemed to like it. There are a couple of mountains that I climbed with her. Gunung Ledang is her first mountain and we never stopped climbing since then. I still remember the trip. She was so eager and excited about everything. I bought her a pair of hiking shoes for the trip. The trip was fun and very memorable because it was her first mountain and it was my first time organizing a mountain climbing trip.

I climbed Gunung Ledang again this time without her and I guess I have to get used to the fact that I will not be climbing anymore mountains with her anymore. Both of us are like strangers to each other now. We just drew apart after the break up. We give each other the cold treatment and I guess that’s how it is going to be for the time that we have left in this world. I miss her company Diary because we did so many things together. She was like the sister I never had and she made me feel so complete. Loneliness was not in my vocabulary when I was with her. When I was up at the summit, I tried to feel her presence because I knew I was there twice with her. I wasn’t excited neither was I sad but I was remembering the day we were there achieving our goals to reach the summit and I made her dream came true to conquer a mountain. It was pure joy looking at her all smiles and I thought I would climb forever with her. Forever just seems scary to most of us. I have stopped believing in forever. I have stopped believing in promises.

I live my life like an ordinary woman nowadays. I have drawn an invisible circle around myself and I dare not crossed that invisible circle. I keep myself in that circle observing people from this place I call my comfort zone. I am allowing myself to be in love with the woman in the mirror. Once in awhile I allow myself to be nostalgic because I believe nostalgia for what I have lost is more bearable than nostalgia for what I have never had....

PS: Hey Infinity…thank you for the memories.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Hear My Whisper

Hanni,
my world is empty now
everything seems muted
i miss yesterday so much
when i wore a smile on my face
can we go back to yesterday?
when happiness filled the air
and my spirit was sky high

Hanni,
the sky reminds me of you
every wind that blows
carried your name with it
i whispered softly in the wind
hear me say, under the ray
let the wind blow to you
carrying my whispers

Hanni,
can you feel the wind
will you hear my whispers
do you feel my pain
shall we break the silence
understand my plights
acknowledge the truths
i whispered 'I love you'

Friday, March 6, 2009

Sense and Sensibility Are Here...

Dear Diary,

I hope you are doing well because I am feeling under control lately. I miss my home in Subang Jaya and all the people that I have known there. While I am writing you this, I just realized that most of the people I am fond with are found there. That place just has enough memories to make me feel attached to it. I feel so close with it. Every part of it never fails to remind me of something that has had an impact on my life. I have spent most of my life in Malaysia there and I have spent my time there with the people that were once closed to my heart. They came into my life and left footprints in my heart which are simply unforgettable.

I am planning of what to do next Diary. Things are becoming clearer now and it is easy for me to make decisions. I do not have to rely on my instincts anymore because truths have revealed themselves. I have to admit that it was difficult for me to plan when truths are not revealed yet but after they have showed themselves, the path which I am going to take is becoming more prominent to me. I cannot deny that I might have to leave Malaysia if the decision I am taking is not going to be in my favour. I really have not regrets about it. If that is what I have to do then that’s just what I have to accept. There is no more worrying and hoping when all they do is to make me more stressful and pressured. I don’t want to go through that phase anymore. I deserve to be happy and that is my priority.

I have a few options and I am keeping them open but it all depends on the result of my applications. If it go through, I am fine but it if doesn’t then I guess I will still be fine but I won’t be able to stick around anymore. I just have to be pragmatic and practical. When one door closes another always open and opportunities lie everywhere, I just have to look for it.

Being in Singapore longer than usual allows me to reflect on how I had spent my time. I didn’t really bothered and cared about my status. Everytime I came back to meet my family, I always had to rush back just to be with her. it was like spending more time with her was worth than spending time with my family. Can you see the pattern Diary? I failed to analyse things and decide what should be my priority. I was lost in my own world ignoring my responsibilities. I had almost anything and everything that I could have wished for; love, money and assets. I could say that I was living a comfortable life. Although the love, money and assets were not quite of a big deal but they were enough to make me feel complete. Most importantly I did not feel lonely at all. I thought I had everything but I became careless. I neglected what I came here for. I had forgotten what I was fighting for. Silly me!

I have become sober now. Sense and sensibility had become my best friend and I spend my time reflecting and feeling remorse. I do shed a tear or two before I fell asleep. I have thought about Infinity, flying babe, my parents, my brother and myself. I take a deep breath everytime I think of them. I am more relaxed now unbecoming the worrier I am known to be. I take things easy but seriously since sense and sensibility came knocking into my head. This is probably a message from Him telling me to wake up from my dream. The break up probably was the wake up call for me. It hurts Diary but if that is what going to make me achieve what I came here for then I shall say it was worth it but until then, I shall say it was one hell of a ride.

PS: Hey Flying babe…I feel you

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Spending Tuesday With Bro...

Dear Diary,

I spent my day with my brother accompanying him to register for his convocation this coming 26th of March. We went to Regional Language Centre (RELC) but we couldn’t find it and my bro had to call his friend to ask for directions. We made a few rounds driving at Orchard Road just to look for the building. The funny thing was my bro asked me for direction when he jolly well know that I do not drive in Singapore. Singapore roads seem alien to me and to tell you the truth I have quite a difficulty understanding the traffic light systems here. I have never driven in Singapore for good. When I got my license, I was already living in Malaysia and I am more comfortable driving in Malaysia than in Singapore although I must admit driving in Malaysia is not for the faint hearted.

I am afraid to drive in Singapore because everybody seems to be a law abiding citizens here and traffic cameras are almost everywhere on the roads. You just can’t escape from getting fined if you have committed a traffic offence. And even if you feel bold and brave to break the rules, you just won’t because everybody else will look at you as if you have done a sin so bad that you deserve the capital punishment. You will feel awkward breaking traffic rules because people just won’t do it here. To earn a demerit points for driving in Singapore is one of the most undesirable things here. Once you have hit the maximum points, your will be disqualified from driving and you will have to go through the process of studying how to drive a car all over again. Trust me Diary you don’t want to go through that. It can take a year for you to pass the earliest and for some people longer than that. The cost to that can burn quite a hole in your pocket. I spent about SGD2K for my license and I took 15 months to pass. Now you understand why many Singaporeans felt like kissing their driving testers when they passed don’t you Diary? I had to make three attempts before I passed and when I was told I had made it, I swear to God I felt like the happiest woman on earth.

How has it been going for you Diary? Things have been ok for me. I am starting to get used to going to bed early than the usual. It is like I am getting back all the sleep that I have missed. I go to bed early and I get up late and I still don’t take afternoon naps. I am organizing my life and I can say that I am doing fine so far. You know things have gone a little haywire after the break ups. I don’t sleep right and well and I don’t eat right and well. My life was chaotic and I felt lousy almost everyday of my life. But that was only for awhile Diary. I allowed myself to feel like that just to bring out all the sadness in me. But I think I am doing well now. I am recovering and recuperating. It is still painful but I believe it is healing too. They have to be simultaneous. Pain and heal always come together as a package and they work hand in hand. I still miss the women but I am hanging tough.

I received a text from Flying Babe at four in the morning. As usual it was always about love and one of those forwarded messages. Apparently it is “Lover’s Day” today. Is it Diary? Do you know anything about it? Her message this time is longer than the usual and I think I might take her message seriously this time. I have written her a letter but I have yet to post it to her. I will do it tomorrow and hope she gets the message that I am still thinking of her and I do still hope that we might be holding hands again someday. Oh Diary, it is so hard to let her go. I will write to her again today and that makes it two letters that she will be receiving this time.

We went to the army market after RELC. I bought some camping stuffs that just needed to be replenished. You know Diary I think the army market is my favourite place to shop. They have so many interesting things to look at. If you are the outdoor type and love to be with nature, this is the place where you would most likely be. They have almost all the camping or hiking equipments under one roof from the cheapest to the most expensive. You may find hiking shoes, backpacks, tents, sleeping bags, ground sheets, whistles, camping stools, headlights, spare parts for tents, backpacks and whatever that is related and relevant to camping and hiking here. You can even send your jackets or shoes or backpacks or ground sheets or tents for repairs here. They provide all kinds of service under one roof. It is a good thing that I still have the army market to shop for my camping stuffs because honestly Diary, I couldn’t find anything like the army market in Singapore, in Malaysia. I just couldn’t.

When I analysed this thought I just realized that the army market actually exist to cater to the needs of the national servicemen in Singapore. You know that they have to undergo two and a half years of national service in various uniform groups. We have the army, police, civil defence and the navy. All these uniformed groups require their national servicemen to have complete attires including gears. I had three brothers serving the army for their national service and I know although the basic attires, gears and equipments were given free when they are enlisted, the items can get worn out or missing after some time and they need to be replaced. So where do these national servicemen go to, for the replacements items? Where else but the army market, that’s how and where the name of the place derive. It does sound synonym with the uniformed groups. Believe me Diary, if you were into hiking and camping activities you just can’t get enough of the army market. I am a gear freak and going to the army market is just a thing I must do monthly. My hiking equipments are enough to fill the space of a room and I don’t know what else I am going to buy later on. I just can’t stop buying and having anything just to make myself feel complete. It seems to me that I like to make myself feel complete with gears and equipments. I bought a few things to prepare myself for my ultimate trips to mountains overseas.

I have it all planned out Diary. I am going to finish the G7 mountains in Malaysia by 2010 and I am going caving in Sarawak and climb Gunung Api to see the pinnacles. After that, I am planning to conquer Rinjani and Bromo in Indonesia, Annapurna in Nepal and Kilimanjaro in Tanzania. It is like the ultimate trips. You know what Diary? I am laughing at myself now. I am thinking when do I ever plan to go to Mecca. Oh Diary, I laughed so hard I choked on my own saliva.

I am sleepy now Diary…I will write to you again ok…good night and have a good sleep Diary.



Sunday, March 1, 2009

I Have Become A Sleepy Head

Dear Diary,
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I was supposed to wake up at eight in the morning yesterday but I only managed to do it at half past nine. That was also with the help of some banging on the door by my housemate, Paranoid. Apparently she received a call from Pumpkin asking her to help wake me up. Well you know Diary, actually I had ask Paranoid to wake me up at eight and she did. She knocked on my door and I yelled out to her indicating that I have woken up but in actual fact, I went back to sleep. I couldn’t help it because I was feeling so tired and sleepy. The night before, I went to bed at almost three in the morning. All these late night sleep has taken its toll on me. I find it hard to focus when I drive, I often feel my head spinning a little every now and then and I often feel sleepy and weak lately. I do not take afternoon nap so I am left with only in the evening as my sleeping time. But I am sure that I do not get a full eight hours of sleep daily. But then again, having eight hours of sleep is not a medical requirement so I am just going to tell myself that it’s okay to be sleeping less hours.
.
I took my shower and get dressed quickly. The plan for yesterday was to pick Pumpkin at half past eight to go breakfast with her. My bus leaves at eleven and that would leave us plenty of time to talk and just chat to catch up on things. But I only got to her place at ten and we had a quick breakfast before pumpkin sent me to Holiday Villa to board the bus. Pumpkin was herself, very cool and almost unaffected at anything. I really think she was smart because she couldn’t get through to me and she called Infinity to ask for Paranoid’s number. If she hadn’t done that, believe me Diary, I think I would have missed my bus. That’s what I like about Pumpkin. She is independent, street smart and cool. Everytime she and I talk, most of the time we are on the same frequencies and it makes my job expressing myself easier.
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I gave Pumpkin a hug before boarding the bus and spontaneously when I was walking towards the bus, I looked back, turned around and I think that was my sweetest smile I gave her and I whispered the three infamous words to her; ‘I love you’. Oh wait a minute Diary, now I am not sure if it was my sweetest smile or my cheekiest smile that I gave her. Look Diary do not get me wrong, I do love Pumpkin because she has always been there for me when I was at rock bottom. I managed to pour out all if not some of my predicaments to her. I still remember the times when Infinity and I are still together, Infinity said something about Pumpkin and I spontaneously told her off. I told Infinity that for all we know, Pumpkin could be the person I would turn to for help if Infinity and I are no longer together. I swear to God that it was only a spur of the moment statement I made. It really didn’t come across my mind that my romance with Infinity would be short lived. Like everyone of us who were in love, those were the days we thought they would never end. I guess it is because we believed in each other. We believed the love we had at that time was going to last for eternity until reality sinks in.
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The bus to Singapore from Subang was not crowded at all. There were only four passengers including myself. This route from Subang to Singapore is new and not many people have heard of it. It is unlike the service from Bangsar to Singapore where the bus is always almost full. Either way is convenient to me and I do not really mind. What is more important to me is the efficiency and convenience of service and its punctuality. I have taken buses from Puduraya and it was a horrendous experience. I really hate the bus operators there because efficiency is really not in their vocabulary. The bus operators there are rowdy people who put profits first then customer service. The passengers can’t complain for any inefficiency, if so they would be told to board off the bus by the operators. You know Diary, I am really glad that I have come to know of this other coach service offered by professional commercial operators. Otherwise I wouldn’t know how much longer I can tolerate such bad service.
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The journey was not boring neither was it enjoyable. Since the new route has just started about two months ago, the buses for this route was also new thus the personal television monitor was not installed yet on every seat. I couldn’t watch any movie at all like I always do. Lucky for me I never forget my MP3 player and that was the only entertainment I had during the journey home. I downloaded some new songs into it and listening to the new songs only made me more drifted into my own world. I closed my eyes and I see the beautiful faces of the women I once loved and perhaps still love…the women that have made me feel complete once upon a time ago.