I Think I Am Just Lucky

Dear diary,

I have started work officially now. Although I missed three days of training I think I am getting on quite well. I felt pressurised by the environment especially with the sacking of two of my colleagues by mr potato. It was shocking the news especially for the reasons they got fired. I am somewhat afraid that might happened to me because I knew I was close to getting fired. I fell sick during the training and I got 2 days medical leave for that.

I guess mr potato got irritated by all those trainees who got sick and he simply sacked them. I still wonder why he did not sack me because I knew I am not his favourite trainee in the class. Genie the ex singapore airlines crew was his favourite and everybody knows that. She never failed to score the highest whenever we had a test. She always got high praises when she answered a question correctly and she always got the attentions from all the British managers.

I knew I was walking on a thin line of fire when I fell sick during the training. I was worried if that could cost me the job. Thank God it did not. I am not sure why the other two got fired but by reading between the lines I knew why. Mr potato is someone whom you do not want to get into an argument. You do what he says and you don't question him. He simply hates it. I supposed the two that got fired made him upset by questioning him and being stubborn.

I still feel that it is unfair for the two to get fired. It is especially so on the grounds they got fired. But I supposed that is just how mr potato handles things. If he hates somebody, he simply sacks him. I am not sure if that's the culture in the company or it is how the British works or that is just how Mr potato's personality but it is surely worrying to know how easy they let people go on baseless grounds.

I am not sure how long I can last in this company. I want to make it my career but I am scared at how they treat people. I supposed they really rule things with an iron fist. It is scary isn't it Diary? I have not had any frictions with mr potato yet and I hope I will not. I really do not know what I am going to do if I got sack over some small trivial matter. Yikes!! I know it is not the end of the world yet but it is surely a dissapointment because this job really pays me well with a base salary and high commissions. All I have to do is be on the roll and do what I am supposed to do which is to make sales.

Please diary, you will pray for me won't you?

Let's Talk About Work A Little...

Dear Diary,

I have come down with fever and cold for about 5 days and I am slowly recovering from it. It is unfortunate because I was supposed to attend training for the new job. I couldn’t breathe from my nose and I couldn’t focus in the training. I looked and sounded sick and Mr. Potato asked me to take some days off from work. I took the day off on Wednesday and I was not getting better the next day in fact I got worse. I went to the clinic and got a 2 days MC.

I kind of felt glad that I got the MC but I also felt rather bad and regrettable. The MC could give me some time to rest and recuperate but it also made me lost a few days of training, which could be valuable to me. Those who started the training with me have already started making calls to leads while I am still left here wondering how it would be like making those calls.

I am not sure if it is going to affect my position in the company as I can see that Mr. Potato is simply not happy about it. I tried to sound as apologetic as possible when I told him about my MC. I asked for his suggestion as I was supposed to take a test on the company’s background. Mr. Potato told me to come on Saturday to take the test and I did.

The test was not difficult if I had studied the stakeholder’s guide thoroughly. Most of the answers to the questions are in the guide. I studied the guide and I did not find the test difficult but I still left about 4 questions blank. I am not sure how I would do but Mr. Potato told me not to be worried about the result.

Oh well Diary, I am just afraid to go to work sometimes. I am still not used to the working environment in the new office. Everything seems so new especially the bosses. I do not know what to expect. I think I wouldn’t be feeling this way if the bosses are Asians. The key people here are all from the United Kingdom and I am somewhat uncertain of what to expect.

I can tell that my family and Hello Kitty are happy about this job. I am too but I know I have not gotten the hang of it. I am always like this you know. I get scared of a new environment. I always have to have someone in that new environment that I am comfortable with to boost my confidence. I wish Hello Kitty would be here with me all the time just to uplift my spirit up. I feel safe and secure when she is with me. It is not that she is a wonder woman but you know how it feels like when you have someone you trust by your side. She need not say anything but her presence would leave a strong impact on me.

I have promised myself that I will work hard and keep this job. I am doing this for my family, myself and Hello Kitty. I supposed I cannot be thinking of myself and about my dreams and visions anymore. I have to think of the people I love especially my parents. I want to take care of them and ask them to retire soon. They deserve to retire now and yes, with God’s willing I will ask them to retire when the time has come. I am working to stabilize myself here financially.

I miss living in Subang Jaya but there is nothing more that I can do about it. My life is in Singapore now and I might as well focus here. I miss my car and I have arranged to get it back this July. I have not seen it for almost 7 months now. I do not know how it is now but I always believe that she is in good hands. Rolly Polly surely will take good care of her. I am supposed to collect her end June but Rolly Polly wanted to extend the contract for another month.

I can wait for another month I guess. She needs the car badly and I suppose I can give in to her request. She has helped me a lot while I was in Subang Jaya. I really see no reason why I shouldn’t extend the contract for another month.

Oh Diary, I have to go now. I will write again and please pray for my health. I need it badly.

I Am Going To Take It Like A Man...

Dear Diary,

It has been five days since I started the training for the new job. I have never felt so pressured from work before. I supposed this job gives me tremendous pressure from any other jobs that I have had before. I still remember what I have said during the interview, which is to make a career out of a job. Now I am not sure if I want to make this job my career.

Oh well Diary do not get me wrong. I am not thinking of quitting it is just that I hate how the manager is making me feel. There was a test today at work and the purpose of the test is to show how well we have grasp what is taught to us and how good has the manager done to make us understand. We were told not to worry about the test and not to be intimidated by it because it is just a test and the test will not determined if the company will keep us or not.

I did not get to study for the test because I only knew about the test on Friday and I assumed the manager thought that all of us would have had the whole weekend to study for the test. Some of the others probably would have but not me. My brother got married on the weekend and where would I find the time to study when that happens? I only flipped through the guide and I depended a lot on my memories. For the past four days I have attended the training, this test will somehow show how much I have grasped.

I scored the second lowest and as usual, Mr. Potato said some discouraging or perhaps sarcastic remarks about it. Coincidentally the one who scored the lowest and second lowest have property backgrounds and that made him even happier to do that. The one who scored the highest got a $50 reward. The ex flight attendant scored the second highest, even so he still have so much praises for her. I am beginning to feel a little suspicious. It is not that they have an affair or something but I am just suspecting of something. Why must he always have nice things to say to her and always hold back with her? Perhaps he is afraid that he might burst her bubble or he wouldn’t want to hurt her feelings because she is a looker. I don’t know Diary but seriously, I could not be bothered by it anymore.

It has begun to annoy me a little to the extent that I simply do not care what is going to happen anymore. Mr. Potato keeps saying that the possibility of earning $10K to $20K a month is possible and bla bla bla. I know that and I have heard about it so many times because in sales, there is just endless opportunity to earn unlimited income, the question is just how you are going to do it. He said it as though his company is the only company that provides the opportunity. From my observation and time I have spent with Mr. Potato, all I can say is it strengthens my belief that Caucasians most of the times assume they are superior than Asians. They think they are the Mr. know all.

I am not bored with the company but I am bored at how Mr. Potato always put us down and made us feel so small whenever we answered something wrongly. I guess that is just how the British are aren’t they? I am not quitting Diary, I am going to stay and take every judgments passed on me like a man. I supposed all these comments are starting to teach me how to be invincible to discouraging remarks and comments about myself. Anyway, I have been shortlisted out of 150 resumes and surely, there must be something about me that I have written that has caught his attention.

A Little Introduction of Work

Dear Diary,

I really planned to write to you again after the last time I wrote but coincidentally my work caught up with me. I have never encountered something like this before so I was really surprise. I did not know that this job could make me feel as though I was in school or something. Oh Diary, I have not told you about my job, have I? It has been my fourth day and really, it has been mind challenging for me.

The thing about my job is, it is a sales job and the company is a multinational corporation owned by this short fat British man who lives in Sentosa Cove. Now, being a property agent before I know when someone lives in Sentosa Cove, he must be filthy rich. Foreigner cannot buy landed property in Singapore but only in Sentosa Cove foreigners are allowed to buy. Do you have any idea Diary? It is because the bungalows there are classified as good class bungalows and they are so bloody expensive that the government decided to give an exception to it.

There I am in a class of six new recruits newly hired as brokers for the company having Mr. Potato the English Manager coaching us about the sales techniques adopted by the company for its brokers. The company’s history, background, product and services are taught to us. Most importantly, we are being brainwash. Most of us feel that way. Mr. Potato drilled, challenged and compared us openly with each other. I supposed that is just how British or the Caucasians are. They are open and direct than Asians. I have never had a close working encounter with a Caucasian. I have never lived nor worked in their country neither have I got any Caucasian friend. They can be rather open and loud about their opinions, not at all shy to show it off.

There are two women and four men. I am the only Malay, there is one Black British man and the rest are Chinese. We all got along fine. The other woman is an ex Singapore girl. Yes, she is an ex air stewardess with the Singapore Airline. Do not even ask if she is a looker because she is and I supposed her beauty amazes everyone. She is like the doll in the group, the rose among the thorns while I am like the other rose but has withered and the other doll that has gone dusty. So there you go Diary. How do you think that makes me feel? It is not so bad if there were another woman or two but no there is only us and that really can make me feel somewhat left out.

I do not really care about the attention and praises that she has been getting but I feel challenged at how Mr. Potato always quiz us and whenever she got the answer right, you wouldn’t believe the praises she gets. However, that is just natural for me to feel that way isn’t it? I can handle the pressure and I do not mind that all the attention has gone to her because I hate attention anyway. It is just the pressure of not being able to keep up with the rest is bothering me. It can be rather stressful because the training they conduct really drill your mind and knowledge and it somewhat shows your level of intelligence. I guess everyone of us is feeling the pressure to perform well in the training to be remembered as the smart one or sharp one or clever one.

I often teach myself not to get easily affected by all the dramas in the training room because all that matters now is how I will perform when I am on the phone making the sales pitch to the prospect. It is about surviving the journey to making this job my career. The salary package is excellent, what more could I have asked for?

Packing Brings Back His Memories...

Dear Diary,

I have been so busy with things in my life that I had to ignore you for a while. I have never intended to pay no attention to you nor disregard you but my hands got so tied up with things that I had no other options than just to keep my fingers away from the laptop. I have just realized that when you are at your busiest times even iPad is of no use. I have thought of you Diary, but my eyes can barely open and my fingers are all tired from the packing and unpacking. I have been so busy at the beginning of the year that it somewhat makes me feel that 2011 will be a good year for me. 

It is instinct Diary. I have never stopped being busy since the start of the New Year. I have had so many things to do with work, family and Hello Kitty. I have so much to write about but the stories got all jumbled up in my brain. Firstly, I have moved out of the new house. Secondly, I got a new job. Thirdly, my younger brother is getting married next weekend. 

Moving house is really something that I do not wish for again. It is exhausting. It demands a lot of your energy and time especially when you are the only one in the family that has plenty of time to do the packing. It is the norm that people will think you have all the time in the world to do everything when you are home most of the times. In times like this, who else can I expect to help? I miss the times when I had the extra helping hand. Well Diary, he is gone now forever and I know I cannot really depend on my eldest brother or my parents. 

I spent my time day and night packing and packing as if I have never done before. The house was surrounded by boxes, empty ones and filled ones. My sleeping place was in between boxes and my routine things to do was to wake up and keep packing until there was no more to pack. I came across so many things that brought memories, good or bad. I am not sure if I am going to miss the house but I know the memories in the house remains in my heart.  It was not a sad event but the packing of stuffs brought tears to my eyes at times. 

There were still clothes, shoes and things that belonged to my late brother in the wardrobe. Clearing the wardrobe somewhat gave me the chill and I can feel my heart sank a little. I miss my late brother so much beyond descriptions. I often wonder how it is going to be if he is still alive. Things are so different now but you and I know that is not easy to forget someone just like that especially after he existed in your life for 28 years. I miss his company so much lately. I supposed it is because we are moving out of the house where he spent his last days with us. Those moments, yeah, I still remember them. He was lying in his bed in his room where all of us surrounded him until he breathed his last breath. 

There are two boxes of his stuffs packed in the store. I am not sure what mum wants to do with them. This is the part where I really hate the most.  Going through his stuffs will bring back the memories and I know I will cry. Yeah, I have cried for him but not in front of my mother, father nor my brothers . Like the saying says “Sorrow you can hold, however desolating, if nobody speaks to you.  If they speak, you break down”.

Oh well Diary, I am beginning to be a crybaby. I am not the tough girl that I used to be anymore. Every little thing can easily make me cry nowadays. At times, I wonder what ever happened to me along the way. Well, I supposed I never really thought that this side of me would exist. It is true that death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal, sorrow makes us all children again - destroys all differences of intellect.  The wisest know nothing.

I got to go Diary. Tomorrow will be my second day working. Wish me luck. I will tell you everything about it soon ok. Love you Diary.