Touchy Friday

dear diary, i returned the maid to the agency today and it was very touchy. she cried and i just let her cry. i knew she was sad cos she has considered us as her family but when your time is up, you just have to leave. there is nothing that can stop it.

i went to jb just now to pick up my friend. she wanted to visit my brother and i brought her to his grave. it has been 30 days and the loss and sadness have just started to sink in. they have started to decorate his grave. the carpet grass has been rolled on top and they are going to finish with the rest of the work soon. the signboard with his name has been up. i read it for the first time and my heart just sank deeper and deeper suffocating with sadness and pain. i am still mourning for his death. i am still at the stage where i am trying to come to terms with the loss. it has been hard for me. i have done a lot of wrongs to him and i am blaming myself for his death. if i could exchange my life to have him back, i would. if only i could take back what i have said to him, i would.

i read the 'yassin' to him just now. i touched the grass and i remembered the time when he was lying still and cold in his bed in his room waiting to get cleansed before the final farewell. i touched his arms and looked at his skin. it was yellowish and pale. i kissed his forehead trying so hard not to drop my tears on him. i felt as if i was touching him and it felt good...please god, i am missing him so much that only you can understand...give me the strength that i need, help me fight this feeling of sadness and miseries...i seek for your help...i have started to pray now and there is not one prayer i would miss praying for him...

sleppy wednesday

dear diary, i am so sleepy today. my head spins and my eyes are heavy. i have this pounding headache that hurts so much. i need to sleep and get some rest. i called my sister just now but someone else picked up the phone. i miss talking to her. i hope she is fine. i went to town just now and ended up shopping again. women and shopping, they can't be separated can they? shopping is my drugs when i am feeling down. it boost my energy and mood. the death of my brother has started to sink in and i am so engulfed with sadness. i cannot pray as i am having my period. shopping is what is left for me to do. it makes my mind busy and my feet moving. i am not sure how long this gonna last. i know that only time will help and i am waiting for the time.

Happy Tuesday

dear diary, it has been a busy day today. met my best friend fasya at noon to settle some outstanding matters and after that we went to town to window shop but we ended up shopping. it was unexpected. we came upon a shop that literally had everything on sale at rock bottom price. it was unbelievable but true. i bought a pair of shoes and 4 pairs of blouse. we had coffee at coffee beans and just sat down and talk. fasya asked me about my late brother, a topic which i have been avoiding. up till today i still can't believe that he is gone. remembering him makes my heart sank and bring tears to my eyes. i just realised that he will not be here to see me in my new clothes. i calmed myself and make a silent prayer for him...

i have found myself a new sister. she is friendly and so caring. i have always wanted a sister and she came along at the right time. she sent me two emails today and they put a smile on my face. it is good to know that you have someone that cares. it has been a long time and i hope she will stay for an eternity...i am a happy person again...

Tired Monday

dear diary, my mood today is better than yesterday. i woke up and updated my homepage. i did a lot of changes to it. i added more colours and designs. otherwise my homepage will be so dark and colourless. at least, with the changes i have done, it looks lively now. i went for a show today with my best friend. we watched king arthur and in that movie arthur lost 3 of his knights whom have been together with him for 15 years before becoming knights. i felt his lost for his friends. it brought me back to the time i lost my brother. i still feel angry with myself. i tried to brush off the idea but i can't. i am sorry for my brother, if only i had done what i was supposed to do. if only i could shut my bloody mouth tight. i hate myself.

Reality Sunday

dear diary, i touched my heart today and i sense that it is broken. if only we can speak our mind so easily. if only we can utter the words we have been wanting to say without any hesitation. people will not understand you until you let them see who you are...and until then, people will always misunderstand you and you will always be misunderstood...this life is not easy to live. we win some and we lose some. i wish that my heart can go on in whatever situations i am in and i seek forgiveness in whatever that i have done wrong...

I'm alone all alone...

dear diary, i officially called it off today with russia. i feel sad, very very sad. i am not sure if that is what i want. i don't know what i want anymore...i have been ignoring aramis messages till today and i have broken up with russia today...i am alone now...all alone...