Reality Sunday

Sunday, July 25, 2004

Reality Sunday

dear diary, i touched my heart today and i sense that it is broken. if only we can speak our mind so easily. if only we can utter the words we have been wanting to say without any hesitation. people will not understand you until you let them see who you are...and until then, people will always misunderstand you and you will always be misunderstood...this life is not easy to live. we win some and we lose some. i wish that my heart can go on in whatever situations i am in and i seek forgiveness in whatever that i have done wrong...

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Dear God,
I believe in You.
I believe in the identity I am blessed with.
I believe You know how I have fought hard.
All my life every step of the way
there wasn't a single day in my life
I am unconscious of this inner battle.
I have been my own warrior, fighting , choosing to fight
only to discover, I am my own enemy.
I fought against myself
and tried not to be her
but above all, I believe.
I acknowledge this choice to be mine
perhaps, my preference would be witnessed
as a weakness or a disease
but I have come to the conclusion,
I can no longer make this life livable
unless I come to terms with her.
You know how hard I have fought.
I know a few words to express them.
My vocabulary is as limited as my knowledge of
Your identity. But I know You hear me when I pray.
I know You grew with me every step
every inch of the way.
I have hoped, I will not regret
this decision I have made.
I tried and persevered - I lost.
Indeed defeat I must accept,
readily do so but will not come to a stage
where I must fight only to find
in the end to emerge as a winner,
is to end Your precious gift; life itself.
Everybody said people like me live in a closet
to a certain degree it's true, but not alone.
I have You, I know that, I believe that.
I never thought, I am alone in this fight.
There was You, one who understands
the closet I am living in is not small.
Your forgiveness is imperative
for all the indulgences I partake in my future.
Should You fail to find in Your faith to forgive me,
then I fully understand.
Perhaps I have failed you,
indeed somehow you stopped
loving me the way I believed you.
I hold myself to blame, I am the guilty one.
If you cannot love me still, I won't hate you.
I realised my decision has made me unworthy
of a love as almighty as yours.
Perhaps I am weak,
I would rather admit defeat than die
for dying would be an insult to You.
I now admit to You,
myself and all the love on earth
I am gay...

FaikaNur - Dear Diary

I Am Sensitive

The Other Side of Me

Sunday, July 25, 2004

Reality Sunday

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