dear diary, i returned the maid to the agency today and it was very touchy. she cried and i just let her cry. i knew she was sad cos she has considered us as her family but when your time is up, you just have to leave. there is nothing that can stop it.
i went to jb just now to pick up my friend. she wanted to visit my brother and i brought her to his grave. it has been 30 days and the loss and sadness have just started to sink in. they have started to decorate his grave. the carpet grass has been rolled on top and they are going to finish with the rest of the work soon. the signboard with his name has been up. i read it for the first time and my heart just sank deeper and deeper suffocating with sadness and pain. i am still mourning for his death. i am still at the stage where i am trying to come to terms with the loss. it has been hard for me. i have done a lot of wrongs to him and i am blaming myself for his death. if i could exchange my life to have him back, i would. if only i could take back what i have said to him, i would.
i read the 'yassin' to him just now. i touched the grass and i remembered the time when he was lying still and cold in his bed in his room waiting to get cleansed before the final farewell. i touched his arms and looked at his skin. it was yellowish and pale. i kissed his forehead trying so hard not to drop my tears on him. i felt as if i was touching him and it felt good...please god, i am missing him so much that only you can understand...give me the strength that i need, help me fight this feeling of sadness and miseries...i seek for your help...i have started to pray now and there is not one prayer i would miss praying for him...
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