all my love

dear diary, i received an email from little sister yesterday. i read her email with sadness and concern. the doctor took her blood some more and they are going to come out with the result soon. i am sad and i am afraid. i feel so sorry for her but i know she won't like it if i show it but i hope deep down inside her she knows i care. i hope to be there soon to give her a hug of courage and support for what she is going through. i keep thinking about her and wonder how is she doing right now. i cried a little for her but i am always praying for her. i have found true friend in her and i will pray to God to give her a good health.

i went skating last night and today for maybe about 10 km. it was tough cos there were a lot of climbing up hill. my thighs went the extra mile for me like never before. it was fun and exciting and i hope to do it again every weekends.

mum told me that she tried calling my late brother's old mobile number and to her surprised, she heard his voice in the voice mail greeting. he was using prepaid card last time and it is still active. his prepaid has a voice mailbox service which allowed him to record his own personal greeting and he did. i heard his voice and i couldn't stop myself from crying. i tried so hard fighting back my tears infront of my parents. dad is still sad over his death and he cried when he listened to his voice. i looked at dad with heartfelt sympathy and how i wish if i could do a miracle, i would bring my brother back to life. i am still missing him and i never stop to think about him everyday. i am going to top up the prepaid so that the number will remain active and so as his voice mailbox. that's the only way i can still hear his voice.

please God, keep my sister safe from harm. give her an eternal happiness because she has been someone i feel so emotionally attached to nowadays. i share everything with her and i tell her stories. i don't want to stop doing it. you have taken my brother so please do not take my sister away from me. i love her like my own sister and please understand how i feel. for all the love on earth, please give us the chance to feel the love we have for each other, near or far till death do us part...

the girls...

dear diary, a lot of things happened for the past week and my time is so filled up that i hardly have time for myself let alone to write. before i begin even further, please accept my apology. aramis and i are talking again but this time i drew an invisible line between us. i do not want things to be like before and i always keep it short and simple. it all started when she began to text me back after keeping silent for 2 months. i didn't ask why nor demand for explanation. i let it be. she voluntarily explained and i was hurt even worse than before. well, people make mistakes and i didn't really care anyway. i know where i stand and i am going to keep it simple from now on. the love is still there but i don't want to get hurt again. if we are meant to be together then we will be no matter how long it takes for us to realise that. i miss her everyday but i know i cannot get too carried away. but i am glad that we have started talking so that i do not have to carry the burden of missing her anymore. she's just too special and i don't think i can ever forget her even in 40 years from now.

little sister is gone and i have no idea what happen to her. i do not feel good about it and i sense something bad. the transplantation of mone marrow usually takes only 2-3 weeks the most but it has been over a month and i am so lost. i am puzzled and i don't know what to think anymore. wherever she is, whatever she is doing, i wish her good health and always be happy. i hope she knows how much i have been missing her.

russia text me 2 days ago asking when can we break fast together. it's hard to say because i hardly have time for myself nowadays since syawal is approaching. i think she would understand, she has been in my house for a couple of times and has mingled with my family members, so i assume she would know. i do miss her company sometimes. she's the kind of person who would make me feel safe whenever i am with her. i just wish that we will remain friends always regardless of what happen. i wished her happy birthday one month too soon and it was embarrassing. i sent her a card but i think i am going to call her on the day itself to make it up to her.

ash has been sms'ing me quite frequently nowadays. she always said she misses me and i begin to have doubt. i never doubt her statement before but after awhile i started to see the change in her. she's become wild and sometimes insensible and that makes it hard to accept what she has said. she was not like this before. i knew her as a decent young girl who has little knowledge of fashion but she has proved me wrong after we broke up and i just find it so sudden. she's behaving like a play girl nowadays and it really turns me off. i just thought that she's trying to grow up too fast and feel old before her time. it's so not cool and unoriginal but i know she still hopes for us to be together again somehow, i just sense it. i still love her but only as a friend, i'm not sure if i am able to go beyond that.

something is wrong with chicken pie. her phone was turned off since 2 days ago and it has not been swithed back on. she has 3 numbers and i tried all her numbers but in vain. this is so not her and i am worried. it's just so unusual for a person to switch off his mobile for more than 2 days unless he is away from mainland. i wonder what could have happen to her. i miss her sweet voice. she has this very sweet voice that i can never get enough. you know what diary, i have begun to think of her often and it is freaking me out. i do not want to have any intimate feelings towards anybody for now and i hope i know how to handle things from there.

i have not heard from dancing queen for a few months now. i guess she has been busy and i couldn't be bothered to call her anymore. she's always not free to talk whenever i call her so i got fed up and stopped calling. the last time we met was in KL in april this year. that was the last we saw each other. i got turned off by her attitude and i decided to leave her alone. she likes attention and i knew she would do anything just to be the centre of attraction while i on the other hand likes to remain low profile and mind my own business. sometimes, i just feel that she has been going overboard to be in the limelight which causes me to lose some respect for her. the thing about dancing queen is she can be as pretty and hip as she wants, look as old and mature as she wants, get all the attentions she wants but still thinks like a kid. i can tolerate that last time probably because i got hook on her and overlooked her shortcomings but i started to realise we can never be together. it's impossible even though she once openly told me she hopes that we are a couple someday somehow but i can only smile at that. nevertheless, she is still somebody dear to me.

i guess my friendship with von dutch has ended and there is no way i can revive it. some things happened and both of us didn't like it. she was nice to me but it was ruined by her partner who somehow i think got jealous of us. the funny thing is, i didn't even try to come on to her, in fact i didn't even ask for her number. she gave it voluntarily and we started talking on the phone soon after that. i cannot recall if there were any intimate conversations between us so i was puzzled for what had happened. she apologised and i took it too hard, i was rude and blunt and cold towards her, she got the message and she left me alone.

well, what can i say and what can i do? she left me with no choice. i tried to create conversation with her but i knew it was pointless. she didn't reply me back, that's when i knew it's over between us even as friends. our friendship was short but it was sweet.

Busy Thursday

dear diary, i spent my thursday at home doing some project for someone. it is her birthday today and i wanted to send the file by email but i can't. it is a powerpoint presentation file and i have got some interesting stuffs in it. i have got our chat logs, my pictures and some of my poems written for her in it too. i did it so nicely and i also inserted our song in it for her to hear. the file is too big to be send via email. i have got other options but i have to wait for the time.

we are returning the maid back to the agency tomorrow and it is kind of sad. we hired her because of my late brother and now that he is gone, we don't require a maid anymore. we are all adults and there are no kids or aged people in the house. all this talk about the maid brings me back to my brother. i have to go now diary, don't wanna be in self pity for losing my brother.

oh yes, by the way, i miss my sister so much. she hasn't written for few days and i am worried. i hope she is happy and fine. i hope her butch gf didn't do anything to her. some butch can be so insecure and edgy and i wonder why that is. little sister, if u read this, where have you been? send me news of yourself ok..?

tired of her...

dear diary, i bought another savings insurance policy today from Great Eastern. i didn't have the intention to buy but the insurance advisor was pretty and she has flawless skin that i just couldn't resist admiring. she was the only female advisor at the booth and i quite enjoyed the time spent with her. i bought a savings 25 years plan which covers the common 30 illnesses, PTD and death. it does not have high sum assured but that is not my concern cos i have other policies from other Insurance companies to take care of it, so long as i know what i bought and what are my protections. it is important to be insured, insurance can act as savings, protection and as an investments, you will never know what can happen to you.


i am still not hearing any news from little sister. i am so worried about her. i don't know what could be wrong. she's not usually like this. she has not sms me and emailed me and there's no way i can find out what's wrong with her unless her mother calls me. she told me that her mum keeps my number for emergency. i am trying to think straight now and i will not let any negative thoughts take control of my emotions. she was hospitalised last few weeks cos the doctor wanted to take a sample of her blood and i am not sure if she is hospitalised again because of that this week. i just wish she is doing great and nothing bad has happened to her.

i am going skating tomorrow with designer again and it might be in the morning after i visit my brother's grave. we might be skating for 10 km this time under the hot sun. i got to bring my windbreaker and a cap. designer still can't skate at full speed cos she has yet to master the correct techniques. i might be leaving her far behind but i will keep a look out on her. it's good to skate when you already know how. you can feel the wind hitting your face and the adrenalin rush as you overtake the other skaters smoothly. it's really fun and exciting. i might be enrolling myself into the class soon to learn other skating techniques and skills. i have to wait until Ramadan is over though.

aramis text me again and i replied her after 24 days of silence. i didn't say any lovey dovey things in my message. i was being blunt and straightforward but i didn't sound rude or angry. i answered her with short and sharp answers. i just want to let it be. the main thing to do now is to protect my interest, everything else does not matter when it comes to her cos i know she can be selfish and amazingly insensitive. i don't want to hold grudges anyway and it's not good to remain silent with her for a long time.

i think she has got my message that i have become tired of her. i don't know. she thinks what she wants to think. i have nothing much to say anymore. you know diary, it is unbelievable how some people can take things for granted so much that they are becoming heartless, selfish prick. they only think of themselves and disregard other people's feelings and views. you try hard to understand and give in to them because you love them but they just wouldn't listen and understand. they don't see what you are going through because they refuse to open their eyes to see and feel. and after awhile, when you have realised how they have taken advantage of you, you start to stay away and ignore them. they noticed it and they asked you why and they apologised. it is always so simple with them. one apologies after another and they expect everything to go back to square one. well they can kiss my ass goodbye if that's what they think. there are times when you can forget and forgive but it's not that simple especially when our own interests are at stake. i have been forgiving and forgetting but let me tell you something diary, it sure feels good to get back sometimes. i guess that's when they came up with the saying, don't get mad, get even. this is what it's all about. talk to you later again diary...

memories live on...

dear diary, according to the calendar it is 14 more days to aidilfitri and my family has not made any grand preparation for it. i spent the weekend helping my mum cleaned the kitchen. we rearranged the glasswares and cutleries and we threw away all those unused and unwanted tablewares. it was very tiring and confusing cos i think mum has got many tupperwares than tablewares. she's just so crazy about tupperwares that i reminded her not to buy anymore. it's taking up a lot of space and we almost run out of it.

mum said that she wants to bring over most of the tablewares and tupperwares back to our house in malaysia once it is ready. the house project is still put on hold pending further plannings and negotiations. it has been her dream to build a house there. the land is inherited from my late grandma and it is divided into 4 plots. mum got her share and she's been saving to have a house there.

it all started from grandma, when she asked mum to have a house built there. grandma said that if mum does not build a house there, she will never set her foot there in the future. it's true to some extent because the house left by grandma after she died has been taken over by my greedy auntie. it was pathetic, i still remember the surprised we had when we came home to visit grandma's cemetery. we got to grandma's place at 3 in the morning and we were welcomed by a motorcycle parked in the house when we opened the door. we were all shocked and dumbfounded only to realised that the house late grandma left was rented out by my auntie without our knowledge. she didn't even have the decent courtesy to let us know. we had nowhere to go so we just explained to the tenant and we slept in the kitchen. i felt so humiliated.

i was more dissapointed than surprise because my auntie, an educated woman with good background would do such a thing and it's all about wealth. it's sad because in the event of someone else's death, fighting over his/her estate is something disgraceful and despicable. since then, mum and mak utih are determine to build a house there of their own. there is no place for us to seek shelter anymore when we come home and building a house of our own is the only option. i used to hear grandma said that no matter how small or big the land is, no matter how rich or poor a man is, no matter how old or new a house is, to live in his own home on his own plot of land is something that everybody must achieved. somehow, i guess she is right. there is nothing greater than to have something your own that you have work hard to achieve.

grandma has been living alone since she got divorced from grandpa. she went back to her hometown in muar and settled there alone. she made her own living selling clothes and jewellery to villagers. she was so independent and strong-willed. i have heard that she was very thrifty and she saved hard on every penny she earned. she was a small time businesswoman, trading and doing business based on guts and instincts with sincerity and honesty as principles. she had no proper educational certificates nor did she has any business background but she still made it regardless of her shortcomings. what even impresses me is she could afford to buy a piece of land with her own hard earned money. this woman is amazing. she is what we call today the iron lady with extraordinary women power. i admire her guts and glory, i admire her strengths and will and most of all i admire her perseverance and determination. she is definitely one woman i will look up to for motivations and inspirations.

it was a sad weekend when i helped mum cleaned the kitchen. we cleaned the kitchen thoroughly and most of my late brother's medicines were kept in a big container in the kitchen. there was a packet of nestum mum bought for him just days before his death. it was unopened and still kept in the plastic bag from the supermarket. he couldn't eat anymore solid food so mum bought the nestum for him. when we were cleaning, we came upon the packet of nestum and mum cried when she saw it. she told me she had bought it for him but he left too soon. i tried so hard to hold back my tears, i didn't want to cry infront of my mum. i didn't feel good crying with her because i know she is coping with his death too and how can i cry when i am expected to be the strong one?

it's so heartbreaking and so sad. i try not to think about it but missing him and thinking about him is undeniable. he's a part of me and i know he is alive in me. i will have to live on without him and i know i will cry for him every now and then till i breath my last breath. i am working hard to achieve my goals for a better and comfortable future. i am sure my brother will like it and encourage me to work even harder. that's what he would do for me. i know that my success will be his success too and i will try to hear his voice whenever i am down because it gives me strength and most of all comfort that i have always missed since he was gone. please God, blessed me and my hard work for a better tomorrow in duniawi and ukhrawi...for myself and for all my loved ones...