the girls...

dear diary, a lot of things happened for the past week and my time is so filled up that i hardly have time for myself let alone to write. before i begin even further, please accept my apology. aramis and i are talking again but this time i drew an invisible line between us. i do not want things to be like before and i always keep it short and simple. it all started when she began to text me back after keeping silent for 2 months. i didn't ask why nor demand for explanation. i let it be. she voluntarily explained and i was hurt even worse than before. well, people make mistakes and i didn't really care anyway. i know where i stand and i am going to keep it simple from now on. the love is still there but i don't want to get hurt again. if we are meant to be together then we will be no matter how long it takes for us to realise that. i miss her everyday but i know i cannot get too carried away. but i am glad that we have started talking so that i do not have to carry the burden of missing her anymore. she's just too special and i don't think i can ever forget her even in 40 years from now.

little sister is gone and i have no idea what happen to her. i do not feel good about it and i sense something bad. the transplantation of mone marrow usually takes only 2-3 weeks the most but it has been over a month and i am so lost. i am puzzled and i don't know what to think anymore. wherever she is, whatever she is doing, i wish her good health and always be happy. i hope she knows how much i have been missing her.

russia text me 2 days ago asking when can we break fast together. it's hard to say because i hardly have time for myself nowadays since syawal is approaching. i think she would understand, she has been in my house for a couple of times and has mingled with my family members, so i assume she would know. i do miss her company sometimes. she's the kind of person who would make me feel safe whenever i am with her. i just wish that we will remain friends always regardless of what happen. i wished her happy birthday one month too soon and it was embarrassing. i sent her a card but i think i am going to call her on the day itself to make it up to her.

ash has been sms'ing me quite frequently nowadays. she always said she misses me and i begin to have doubt. i never doubt her statement before but after awhile i started to see the change in her. she's become wild and sometimes insensible and that makes it hard to accept what she has said. she was not like this before. i knew her as a decent young girl who has little knowledge of fashion but she has proved me wrong after we broke up and i just find it so sudden. she's behaving like a play girl nowadays and it really turns me off. i just thought that she's trying to grow up too fast and feel old before her time. it's so not cool and unoriginal but i know she still hopes for us to be together again somehow, i just sense it. i still love her but only as a friend, i'm not sure if i am able to go beyond that.

something is wrong with chicken pie. her phone was turned off since 2 days ago and it has not been swithed back on. she has 3 numbers and i tried all her numbers but in vain. this is so not her and i am worried. it's just so unusual for a person to switch off his mobile for more than 2 days unless he is away from mainland. i wonder what could have happen to her. i miss her sweet voice. she has this very sweet voice that i can never get enough. you know what diary, i have begun to think of her often and it is freaking me out. i do not want to have any intimate feelings towards anybody for now and i hope i know how to handle things from there.

i have not heard from dancing queen for a few months now. i guess she has been busy and i couldn't be bothered to call her anymore. she's always not free to talk whenever i call her so i got fed up and stopped calling. the last time we met was in KL in april this year. that was the last we saw each other. i got turned off by her attitude and i decided to leave her alone. she likes attention and i knew she would do anything just to be the centre of attraction while i on the other hand likes to remain low profile and mind my own business. sometimes, i just feel that she has been going overboard to be in the limelight which causes me to lose some respect for her. the thing about dancing queen is she can be as pretty and hip as she wants, look as old and mature as she wants, get all the attentions she wants but still thinks like a kid. i can tolerate that last time probably because i got hook on her and overlooked her shortcomings but i started to realise we can never be together. it's impossible even though she once openly told me she hopes that we are a couple someday somehow but i can only smile at that. nevertheless, she is still somebody dear to me.

i guess my friendship with von dutch has ended and there is no way i can revive it. some things happened and both of us didn't like it. she was nice to me but it was ruined by her partner who somehow i think got jealous of us. the funny thing is, i didn't even try to come on to her, in fact i didn't even ask for her number. she gave it voluntarily and we started talking on the phone soon after that. i cannot recall if there were any intimate conversations between us so i was puzzled for what had happened. she apologised and i took it too hard, i was rude and blunt and cold towards her, she got the message and she left me alone.

well, what can i say and what can i do? she left me with no choice. i tried to create conversation with her but i knew it was pointless. she didn't reply me back, that's when i knew it's over between us even as friends. our friendship was short but it was sweet.