Lunch Time Stories

Dear Diary,

I found it hard to wake up this morning and I took an extra 10 minutes of sleep after my alarm went off. After 4 weeks of carefree lifestyle who could have blame me? I was the first to reach followed by two of the other newbies. One of overslept and took a cab to office. She said she has gotten used to oversleeping herself as she was out of job for two months before she got this job. I smiled at her giving her the signal that I could not argue about that with her.

My lunch break is 2 and a half hours and frankly, I am beginning to enjoy my training sessions. Tomorrow will be the last day of training and I know I am going to miss it. To be honest, I am remembering my colleagues in my old company. I miss the environment there and how I felt so comfortable there. The facilities we had as staffs there were excellent and the workstations each and one of us got was almost perfect. The current office lacks so much in terms of office tidiness. I always have issues with tidiness and I know I might have problem getting by. I am not sure that should be the concern but I have come to terms with what I need to do. This job is not going to be permanent. I should just be contented I have found a job. It can be tiring thinking about it but I do not want to dwell on it anymore. I am merely coaching myself to persevere for as long as it takes until I am good to go. Subang Jaya is still in my agenda and I am not going to let it slip.

I am by myself again and I am killing my time telling you stories. I have always missed you and there is not a day goes by that I am not thinking about you. Thinking of you makes me become all sentimental and emotional sometimes. The death of my brother brought me to you and I find strength and serenity in you. Almost everything I have let you known and the stories remain to be read and reminisced. All the women I have been involved with, you know who they are. I still think about them and wonder what would they be doing. I wonder too if they are thinking of me. I have become quiet to most of them. I supposed silenced make the heart grows fonder. Women, they are still my weaknesses while love, makes me afraid of women.

The headache came back and it is hurting. I might have to go for a check up soon when things are stabled. I have to go Diary. Love you always.

My First Day of Work

Hello Diary,

Wow...I am on my first day of work. I was late but not because I was not punctual but because I did not have a clear direction of who and where to report to. Can you imagine that? In addition to that, as if there was not a better time for my bowel to be active, nature call just had to call in when I was rushing to get to where I was supposed to. I am happy for now although I wished I would have some words of encouragement from someone. The lunch break is 2 hours and that was sufficient to make me contented.

I am sitting at a bench in front of the Singapore river and there is a couple who is fighting with each other. I am having a good time chuckling to myself at the spectacular "show" they put up. Well, at least I have some kind of entertainment to enjoy during lunch hour. There are many people who jog here Diary and as usual I wish I could do the same. I wonder if these people have a full time job. Looking at the situation now, I think I could do this too you know since my lunch break is 2 hours daily. This is fun but still to be my own boss is still what I desire and I know I will achieve that.

I have not made any friends yet but I know I will soon. Anyway, it does not really matter does it? I do not enjoy going for lunch in a crowd. I have always prefered to be on my own and I could not care less about lunch anyway. I got to do my own thing during lunch and that suffice to make me feel comfortable. At least I still have time to be on my own during work. Oh Diary, I am just thinking to come up with some activity that I can do during lunch. I hope I will be comfortable here to stay for as long as it takes to be where I want to be. The training will be 3 days. I am excited and please pray for my well being in this new company. I love you Diary.

My Mini Thoughts

Dear Diary,

It is funny that I cannot enjoy my last day of carefree lifestyle when I really wanted to enjoy it...mother is the culprit and now I am feeling that I do not have enough rest for my first day of work in a new environment. There goes my day and it is time to start working for a better tomorrow. Ohh...I wish I would have one more day to enjoy my freedom from work. I want to watch the DVD all day without worrying about anything. *sighs*

Aku Nak Khawin Nur KasihKu

Hello Diary,

Hari ini aku menghabiskan masa dengan bermain games yang baru sahaja aku download di iPad aku. Bermacam macam games yang aku download sehingga aku hayal bermain games itu sepanjang hari. Oh ya...kalau dalam bahasa Melayu, maksudnya aku memuat turun, betul kan? Tidak pernah aku mendengar perkataan itu tetapi sejak kita memasuki dunia yang canggih ini, seringkali aku mendengar perkataan itu lebih lebih lagi apabila berada di Malaysia. Siapa yang bertanggungjawab atas perkataan itu, aku sendiri pun tidak tahu tetapi aku yakin sesiapa sahaja yang decide perkataan itu adalah yang paling tepat untuk download, sememangnya dia bijak. Jikalau engkau bertanya pada aku, aku sendiri pun tidak punyai perkataan yang aku rasa sesuai. Mungkin vocabulary Melayu aku tidak sehebat sang pencipta itu.

Minggu lepas aku sibuk menghadiri majlis perkhawinan adik saudaraku. Umurnya 28 tahun dan memang sesuailah untuk dia berkhawin. Sampai sahaja di sana, aku melihat bertapa gahnya pelamin dia. Bertingkat tingkat dan tinggi sekali pelaminnya seolah olah dia mahu semua yang hadir dapat melihat pengantin dengan jelas. Walau apa pun niat dia, memang tidak akan aku nampak sebab aku rabun. Setinggi mana pun atau sebesar mana pun pelamin dia, aku harus squint kan mata aku jikalau aku mahu nampak dalam jarak jauh. Tidak ada contact lens atau spectacle. Memang aku macam itu. Aku tidak suka memakai semua itu. Pada aku, ianya leceh. Walaupun aku drive, memang aku tidak memakai specs.

Melihat adik saudaraku begitu gembira, terdetik di hati aku ingin merasai apa yang dia rasa apabila perempuan yang dia cinta dapat dia memiliki secara sah. Kadang kadang aku melayan jugak perasaan aku. Dalam hati aku cuma wonder jikalau cinta sejenis diizinkan agama, mungkin sudah lama aku berkhawin. Tetapi, itu hanya hayalan. Sememangnya cinta sejenis tidak di izikan dan janganlah aku terus berhayal begitu. Kadang kadang aku sedih dengan keadaan diri. Belum lagi hati ini terbuka. Entah bila aku pun tak tahu. Teringin sekali aku rasakan bagaimana rasanya berpimpingan tangan dengan cinta buah hati berjalan menuju ke pelamin. Teringin sekali aku rasakan. Kadang kala aku berhayal sendirian. Tetapi, aku gembira sekarang. Biarlah keadaan yang menentukan. Yang penting aku tahu siapa diri aku dan aku selesa dan gembira.

Kalau ada pun perasaan sedih, aku rasa itu lumrah manusia. Kita selalu diadili walaupun diri kita tidak dikenali. Cara kita berpakaian, bercakap, berjalan dan segala galanya yang kita lakukan, semuanya diadili oleh golongan manusia yang tidak pernah kita kenal. Inilah dunia. Senang sahaja manusia mengadili dan menghukum tanpa perbicaraan. Kalau perempuan yang merokok, itu perempuan liar dan kalau perempuan bertudung, itu perempuan baik. Siapa diri kita yang sebenar tiada siapa pun yang peduli. Luaran sahaja yang menjadi yardstick atau pengukur untuk kita digolongkan dalam category apa. Sedih kan?

Kadang kala aku rasa penat sekali. Penat untuk mencuba. Lebih baik berdiam daripada berkata apa apa. Mendiamkan diri adalah defence mechanism yang sangat mujarab walau apa pun situasinya. Ingin sekali aku menjerit sekut hati pada dunia yang aku bukan apa yang disangkakan. Tak apalah Diary....biarkan sahaja. Yang penting aku jaga sahaja hal sendiri.

Malam ini, adik saudaraku dengan parents nya datang ke rumah aku untuk meminta tolong ayah dan ibuku mewakilinya untuk merisik buah hatinya. Satu persatu adik saudaraku akan berkhawin. Lagi sekali aku hanya dapat menumpang gembira. Aduhai Diary....kenapa malam ini aku rasakan tulisan Melayu aku tak sedap langsung bila dibaca? Macam mana mahu aku jadi seperti Andrea Hirata kalau tulisan Melayu aku bunyi macam radio rosak sahaja?

Oh geez...I really think that I should brush up on my Malay. It is a shame if I cannot write a simple well written Malay essay. Alahai...biarkan sahaja lah. Aku mahu cuba dan terus mencuba seperti apa Broken Angel cakap. Jangan berhenti dari mencuba walaupun banyak obstacles. Yaa...aku gembira melihat saudaraku gembira tetapi pada masa yang sama aku pun sedih dengan diriku. Perempuan yang boleh dipanggil cinta hatiku, Nur Kasihku...bila boleh aku sarungkan cincin di jarinya dan memilikinya secara official. Oh sudah tentu tidak boleh...lagi sekali aku berhayal...keep on dreaming FaikaNur.

Oh Diary....aku rasa masa untuk tidur sudah sampai. Mari bermimpi dan selamat malam.

My Mum and Her Driving License

Dear Diary,

I just came back from JB with my parents. It was a tiring day. I was feeling sleepy while driving and yes I have to admit I just could not wait to go home to rest. I am having a headache that is really making me feel uncomfortable. Sometimes I wonder why did my mum ever bothered to learn how to drive when she does not really use the skill to the fullest. I mean, come on Diary...she has her license and I just do not understand why are they still dependent on me to bring them to places they want to go.

Do not misunderstand me; I am just so tired sometimes you know. I really wish my parents would be independent soon. Mum still needs a lot of practice behind the wheel. Her maneuvering skills still suck and I am very concern about it. Dad has just bought her a car in Tangkak. She has driven it for about 6 to 7 times but I cannot deny the fact that I really wonder how the instructor ever let her passed. Honestly, in my most sincere opinion she really needs a lot of practice. I got so tense everytime I sat beside her simply just to watch her drive. I was so worked up at the way she drives and maneuvers. I swear there can easily be world war three if I had let my temper get the better of me. Watching her drive is something that I take as a test to my temper.

I feel bad at times when I snapped at her while she was driving but I could not help it. There were times when I let her on her own but she could not last the whole driving session. She still needs guidance on lots of things especially on how to park the car. You know, my mother she is never a technical person. I can teach her how to operate the DVD player a hundred times today and she can forget about it the next day. Mum has just bought an iPad for her own use and frankly, I really think it is a waste. On a scale of 1 to 10, she only uses it at level 1. I have taught her of the basics but really, if she does not try to use it on her own, all my efforts teaching her will go to waste. That goes the same with the car.

I am somewhat disappointed with my mum. She does not seem excited about her new car. She does not want to be eager about driving. I hope she would at least be thrilled about brushing up her driving skills with a car, she can call her own but she does not. I wish I could be relaxed about it soon but I know until the day she manages to park the car on her own, only then I can be at ease. Believe me Diary, she takes ages to reverse parking and I cannot believe she has difficulty to forward parking too. Well yeah, I could understand that. I too, had trouble doing reverse parking when I just had my license but forward parking?

My parents are retiring end of this year, will be moving to Tangkak, and if my mum is still not skillful in her driving then I really should be worried. As much as I want her to be independent, skillful and confident, I do not want her to compromise on her safety, get what I mean?

The Things I Took So Long To Realise...

Hello Diary,

I have just reprimanded Hang Tuah for his misbehaviour. It has been two days continuously and his attitude just drove me up the wall. I find myself shouting at him trying to discipline him and I took the cane to hit him but I simply could not hit him with it. Perhaps he is just too adorable to be reprimanded with a cane or maybe I simply do not have the heart to carry out harsh disciplinary actions on animals, which I know can be very helpless. If you ask me what my weaknesses are, I would say my family, the elderly and animals. If I can do miracles, I would protect all the animals on earth. I cannot tolerate cruelty to animals. If I come across any cruelty to animals, I am sure I would have stand up for the animals. 

How has it been going for you Diary? Things on my side are fine I guess. Yes, I had found a job since the last entry I wrote to you and after three days, I quit. Nothing is new isn’t it? Well I hated the job and I was not comfortable in there. The environment and the benefits in the end to me are not attractive. Well, I found a new job again and this time I somewhat know I can stay long. I have not started work yet, they are doing some background financial checks and I am waiting for the clearance. The job scopes are the same with the old bank I was with and I know I have an ex colleague who will be working together with me, so yeah I can say with confidence that I will be comfortable here.  

The interview went well and I have set up my mind to tell the interviewer the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but of course that did not how exactly it happened actually. Well who could have blamed me? Nobody tells the truth in an interview. You somehow have to cook some sort of stories to secure the job. Telling the whole truth and nothing but the truth is madness and a risk. The interviewer was an ex staff of the old bank I used to work for. It was a smooth interview because he asked me questions that were fair and not very difficult to answer. The interview was straightforward, simple and long. I asked him relevant questions that I have just read over the internet on the most suitable questions to ask during an interview. I listened to him and I answered his questions earnestly. Of course, I did not tell him that I have had two short previous banking experiences after my last job and before the interview. That was really the part that I was not honest. I could not, and anybody would have agreed with me. How can I include 13 days and 3 days of experiences in my resume? Doing that would just be suicidal that will lead to other more difficult to answer questions.     

At the end of the interview, he offered me the position right away and I knew I nailed it. I wanted this job Diary. The environment would suit me and I know I would be comfortable. He asked what my concerns are and I told him there are only two things that I look for in a company which are the financial rewards and how comfy I can get in that new environment. That was a candid answer. After job hunting and well, perhaps job-hopping, sincerely I realised how important it is to be comfortable in a new environment.  However, there are two things to aim at in my life:  first, to get what I want and after that, to enjoy it. It took me almost my whole life to realise that only the wisest of humankind achieve the second. The environment has to be conducive and superiors have to be tactful on how to tackle issues with staffs. Honestly, I was comfortable with my job before but yeah I was looking for more in terms of monetary rewards to open my own food stall quickly. You know that happiness is excitement that has found a settling down place but there is always a little corner that keeps flapping around.  

I got the job, which offers me great monetary rewards, but I swear the working environment sucks to the core. I felt like I was going to hell when I reported to work. Hence, monetary rewards are not really the whole thing; you have to be happy coming to work or at least at ease and comfortable. Now I know.   Man is fond of counting his troubles, but he does not count his joys.  If he counted them up as he ought to, he would see that every lot has enough happiness provided for it.